General Area

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... "Closed for the Holiday !!!"

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. "Four-seven-seven-zero?" he asked. "Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper. "Seven-zero-seven-five?" asked the instructor. "Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble. "I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier," spoke the teacher. "That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number."

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher." "Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman." "Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston." "Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian. "Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to you?" "Today they have sent you to us."

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.  "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore ass, and I'm not sleeping.  What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong.  It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the lush.  "I'll come back when you sober up."

There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it hear, especially the barrel behind the restrooms, when you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob. "So the next day,the guy sees the owner, and says, "this place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday." The owner says, "Everyday except Mondays." "Why not on Mondays?" The owner says, "That's your day in the barrel."

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here." "Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000. and another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars." "So what?" shouted Benny. "Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're
going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief. He went on, "What do you think about me?"

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and it was very wearisome getting in and out of all of these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"

You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if ...

1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

2. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

4. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

6. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

7. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

8. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

9. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

10. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

11. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

12. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

13. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

15. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

16. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

18. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

19. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

20. You read this entire list and understood it.

A man goes to the Doctor and is told he has only 24 hours to live. Desperately considering how he would like to spend his last day on Earth, he goes home to his wife and tells her his sad story. He remarks that he never really had the sex life he wanted and he would like to have sex with her every hour on the hour throughout the night. The wife agrees and they go to bed. He awakens her at eight 0'clock and they make love. He awakens her at nine O'clock and they make love. He awakens her at ten o"clock, ans so on through the night until threee AM when the wife says. "Enough already! I've got to get up in the morning. You don't."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died." "It did" he said. "Today is the viewing."

A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics. One day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?" Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board." The prof smiled.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?" "Yes, I am," he replied. St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?" The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act. The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head. That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in and he says, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?"

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq. Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over creations. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave. "Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?" "Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?" "I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on tv
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he sleeps
I'm not yelling = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important
The answer to "What's wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you are such an asshole

MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted, psychological trauma, are
you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing you I am a deep person....and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home
I don't think that blouse and skirt go together = I'm gay

Mom's Letter to Redneck Son. Sent by Maria Merino

Dear Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Abraham was an old Jewish yarn merchant. He lived next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite called up Abraham and said, "Hey Jew, I need a piece of orange yarn. Abraham asked how much yarn he wanted. The Anti-Semite replied, "The length should be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe said, "OK". The next morning the Anti-Semite was awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He ran outside to see a row of trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truck full after truck full of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard was a five foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presented a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. He started yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?" Straight faced, Abe replied, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when she/he was born and provide all expenses thereafter for the child. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!" The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. "What happened?" cried the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

Oxymorons - Twelve ounce pound cake, Diet ice cream
Definitions - GUI (pronounced gooey) What your computer gets after spilling your favorite beverage on it
Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming

Children's Wisdom
-You can't trust your dog to watch your food
-Puppies still have bad breath after eating a tic tac
-You can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk

My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a millon times. I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....relations?" The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"

A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time." Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home "So what's the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!" She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it." Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty!"

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.