Room 31

General Area

THE PERFECT STORY
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for the answer).

(scroll down for the answer).

(scroll down for the answer).

(scroll down for the answer).

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

BUT * A Male's Response *

(scroll down for the male response)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

THE ABSOLUTELTY WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid.
- Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
- Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
- Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
- You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
- "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
- Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my next to my girlfriend's bed.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
- So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
- Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
- Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
- Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Saint Peter was at his post at the pearly gates, and was in somewhat of a bad mood. Today only couples were on line to get in. "Next!", he called out, in a bored fashion. Up stepped a couple. "Name?" asked St.Peter. "Goldberg", replied the husband. St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over for a moment, and finally asked with a bit of a sneer: "You Jewish?" "Why, yes" said Mr. Goldberg, somewhat surprised. St. Peter then leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and said "You know, I don't like Jewish people. You're cheap! Always grubbing for money...cheating people...I don't know if I want to let you two in here today. So what's your wife's name?" "Penny" replied Mr. Goldberg. "PENNY!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your wife after money! Get outta here!... try again some other time." "Next!", he called out, still agitated. Up stepped the next couple. "Name?" asked St.Peter. "Murphy", replied the husband. Again St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over for a moment, and asked with a sneer: "You Irish?" "Why, yes" said Mr. Murphy. St. Peter again leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and said "You know, I don't like Irish people. You drink too much! Always getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day and throwing-up all over the streets...beating up your husbands, wives and kids during drunken rages...I don't know if I want to let you two in here today. So what's your wife's name?" "Sherri" replied Mr. Murphy. "SHERRI!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your wife after a drink! Get outta here!... try again some other time." Meanwhile, several couples back, a Greek man overhearing all of this turns to his wife and says "Let's get out of here Fanny, there's no way we're getting in here today."

There was once a man called Raju who was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him. "I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash". "Car crash! My BMW! my BMW! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically. "Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries. You lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it", she said apologetically. "I lost my arm? My Rolex! Where's My Rolex?" "Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you". He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name. "Pushpa, are you here?" "I am here husband, and I will never leave you". "Dilip, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you". "Anil, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you." "Priya, my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you." "Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Pushpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are here..........
....... WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING AFTER THE SHOP?!!!!"

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear. "Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked. "Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If you've got the back up, then you're always going downhill!"

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed. "What's up doc?" he asked nervously. "Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over the continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for the Pepsi Company to send a three man rescue team. While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the crash, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue team was shocked! A team member asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" The second member asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." Totally bewildered, a third member asked, "Did you...well, you know...eat their...'things'?" The Chief replied, "No!" "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night. Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." ...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that hes wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife, “There’s that woman that the next door neighbor guy is in love with!” His wife in the kitchen dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. “Where? Where?” she demanded. “Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.” “You idiot! That’s his wife!!!” “Yes, I know,” the husband said with a satisfied grin.

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. "He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. "He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. "But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. "But, she said, "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys". The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark". "Why, are you an attorney?" "No, I'm an asshole."

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Judi left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. Judi took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Gayle (another blonde) came by and inquired what she was doing. Judi said, "I'm blowing on the tailpipe to get the dents out of the sides." Gayle replied, "Oh. Look. To make the work, you have to have the windows rolled up."

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

From a "Most Embarrassing Moment" Contest in New Woman Magazine

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ...

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied -I'm not, I just lie there-. When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. "People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot!"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Several churches in the South decided to hold revival services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination. "How many Baptists are here?" he asked on his first night of the revival. All except one little lady raised their hands. "Lady, what are you?" asked the minister. "I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady. "Why are you a Methodist?" "Well, my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methoidst." "Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all of your relatives had been morons. What would that have made you?" "Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose."

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

10 THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

1.PEOPLE WHO POINT AT THEIR WRIST WHILE ASKING FOR THE TIME. I KNOW WHERE MY WATCH IS BUDDY, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOURS? DO I POINT AT MY CROTCH WHEN I ASK WHERE THE BATHROOM IS?!!

2.THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY IS WAY TOO HAPPY, CONSIDERING THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE A DICK!!

3.PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO GET OFF THEIR ASS TO SEARCH THE ENTIRE ROOM FOR THE DAMN TV REMOTE BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO WALK TO THE TV AND CHANGE IT MANUALLY!!

4.WHEN PEOPLE SAY..."OH,YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO"...FUCK OFF!!!! WHAT GOOD IS A DAMN PIECE OF CAKE IF YOU CAN'T EAT IT?!! WHAT SHOULD I DO...EAT SOMEONE ELSE'S PIECE OF CAKE INSTEAD?!!

5.WHEN PEOPLE SAY..."IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK"...OF COURSE IT IS IDIOTS!!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KEEP LOOKING FOR IT AFTER I HAVE ALREADY FOUND IT?!! DO PEOPLE DO THIS? WHO AND WHERE ARE THEY?

6.WHEN PEOPLE SAY, WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE..."DID YOU SEE THAT?"... NO DICKNOSE...I PAID $7.50 TO COME TO A THEATRE AND STARE AT THE FUCKING CEILING UP THERE. WHAT DID YOU COME HERE FOR?

7.THE RADIO AD..."HI...I'M STEVIE WONDER...DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. I DON'T!"...I HOPE YOU DON'T DRIVE SOBER EITHER STEVIE BECAUSE DID YOU FORGET...YOUR BLIND?

8.PEOPLE WHO ASK..."CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?"...UHHHH....DIDN'T REALLY GIVE ME A CHOICE THERE, DID YA BUDDY?

9.WHEN SOMETHING IS NEW AND IMPROVED, WHICH IS IT? IF IT'S NEW, THEN THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BEFORE IT. IF IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT, THEN THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING BEFORE IT!

10.WHEN A COP PULLS YOU OVER AND THEN ASKS YOU IF YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING? YOU SHOULD KNOW ASSHOLE...YOU'RE THE ONE THAT FUCKING PULLED ME OVER!!!!!!!!! ISN'T THAT FUNNY...

WELL THERE IS ONE MORE THING THAT REALLY FUCKING BUGS ME...CHAIN LETTERS!!!!! WHO THE HELL THINKS THAT BY ANNOYING OTHER PEOPLE WITH STUPID MAIL WITH NO MEANING...THAT THAT WILL GRANT YOU A WISH.. OR MAKE YOUR LONG LOST LOVE FALL INTO YOUR ARMS....BULL SHIT!!! I AM SO SURE THAT BY BREAKING A STUPID CHAIN LETTER THAT THE COMPUTER gods ARE GOING TO CURSE ME????? WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!!!
BY THE WAY.. IF YOU SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE....SHIT WON'T HAPPEN AND THAT PERSON YOUR IN LOVE WITH WON'T COME CRAWLING BACK...SO IF YOU FEEL THAT THIS IS FUNNY...GO ON AND SEND IT TO SOME ONE ELSE...BUT DON'T EXPECT ONE FUCKING THING IN RETURN...HAVE A NICE DAY.

Philosophy
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stores and crushed him!. The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir, Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But your not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment,starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well, sir," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter. A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died. "Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator."

Michele was talking about her friend's son that Mary was coming to dinner. Mary was *huge* and Michele's friend didn't want her son to say that she was "big" or "fat". Son promised he wouldn't. When Mary arrived, the son was introduced with, "you remember Mary, don't you?" and he answered with, "Yes, I do -- WOW those are the BIGGEST pants I've ever seen!!! Where did you get them?"

Mawkie and Judi, a vegetarian, were having lunch. The menu that day was pizza and Judi was chowing down on a slice. I realized there was pepperoni on it. I said, "What are you doing? I thought you were a vegetarian?" Judi replied, "What's the big deal. There's no meat on here, just pepperoni and that's not a meat -- it's a *spice*."

Harry said once when he was driving in California with Judi, they passed where there are hundreds of windmills on the mountainside, generating power. Judi asked what they were. I joshingly said they were there to keep the cows cool. She thought for a minute and replied, "Oh, yeah. I guess it keeps the milk from going sour!"

This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand. The bartender sees this becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing. So the bartender asks the guy "Hey man, I hope you don`t mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?" So the man says "I have to get my date drunk."

When the staff go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
CONCLUSION :
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

Joseph was very depressed. He ran into his friend Jon. Jon asked him what was wrong. "I'm just depressed and can't get over the fact that I have three balls." "Three balls? You're DEPRESSED? Son, we can make a *fortune* with this!" Jon exclaimed. "How do we do that?" "We go from bar to bar, and bet everyone that between you and the bartender you've got five balls. It can't miss!" Joseph brightens up and off they go. They get to the first bar, make friends with some of the strangers at the bar, then made the annoucement, "I'll bet anyone that between the bartender and my friend Joseph, they've got five balls." Jon announced. Almost everyone rushed up to place their bets. Jon turned to the bartender and said, "You don't mind if we use you on this, do you?" The bartender said, "Not at all. In fact, I'm very impressed." "Yeah?" Jon asked, "How come?" "Well, I've never met a man with *4* balls before. I've only got one."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked: "Will you buy booze?" The bum said: "No." The man asked "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said: "No." Then the man asked: "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

My nephew and I were playing a game of chess tonight. In desperation he mockingly tried to cheat. In a poor imitation of an Italian gangster I said, "You want I should beat you up?" He replied in turn, "I'll kill you first." "Ah," I replied. "The Sicilian Defense."

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, ?Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.? Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. ?My dear Mr. Wilson,? she gushed, ?fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you?re almost a stranger. My, but I?m tired!? The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, ?Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn?t often I see you on washday. No wonder you?re tired. Being pregnant isn?t easy. By the way, don?t deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney?s office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail.?

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?" "Yes, I am," he replied. St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?" The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 1999. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?" He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck." I said, "What do you hunt?" He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

From the Desk of: The President
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints, received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh**ting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh**.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh**.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my f**king problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f**k cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh** and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f**king meeting!!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh**.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f**king prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting b**ch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.

If you have any questions concerning this memo please contact your department head. They in turn will kiss my butt, and then maybe I will do something.
Ima Reilly-Biggadorke
President and CEO

THE IDEAL MAN & WOMAN
The Ideal Man
What every woman expects........
He will be a brilliant conversationalist.
He will be sensitive, kind, understanding and loving.
He will be a very hard working man.
He will help around the house by washing dishes, vacuming the floors and taking care of the garden.
He will be a man of emotional and physical strength.
He will be as smart as Einstein but look like Harrison Ford.
but what she actually gets

He always takes her to the best restaurants, someday he will take her inside.
He doesn't have any ulsers, he just gives them.
Anytime he gets an idea in his head, he has the whole thing in a nutshell.
He is well known as a miracle worker, it's a miracle when he works.
He supports his wife in the manner to which she was accustomed, he lets her keep her job.
He is such a bore, that he even bores her to death when he gives her a compliment.
He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation brilliant.
After a man finds out his 'woman' is no angel, he tries to ascertain to what extent she isn't.

The Ideal Woman
What every man expects...........

She will always be beautiful and cheerful. She could marry a movie star but she wants only him.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick, just allergic to jewellry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture is good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning, fixing the car, painting and keeping quiet.
Her hobbies will be mowing the lawn and washing dishes.
She will hate credit cards.
Her favourite expression will be "What can I do for you dear?".
She will think you are a genius and look like her favourite movie star.
She will ask you to go out with the boys so she can get some housework done.
She will love you because you are so sexy.
but what he actually gets
She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts of up to 180.
She was once a model, for a totem pole.
She is a light eater, once it is light she starts eating.
Where there is smoke, she is cooking.
She lets you know you have only two faults, everything you say and everything you do.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she will soon find you.