Room 33

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Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

10 Good Things About Having A Love Slave: ( As contributed by my very own love slave Edie Ellison)

10. When you have a love slave, you can stay in bed in the morning and let THEM be the one to fight with those damn aggravating paper coffee filters in the morning.

9. When you have a love slave, you have someone besides yourself to blame for the little blobs of toothpaste left in the sink.

8. When you have a love slave, you can make them man the TV remote at your command so that you can lay back and become the perfect couch potato.

7. When you have a love slave, you have someone you can force to go to the store late at night when you get a sudden craving for pickles & cheese.

6. When you have a love slave, there are then two of you standing about scratching heads in bewilderment when something goes wrong with the car...there's comfort in having someone else to feel stupid with.

5. When you have a love slave, you can make them screen your phone calls. It gives your Mom someone else to talk to for an hour besides you.

4. When you have a love slave, you can finally have that one little spot in the middle of your back scratched.

3. When you have a love slave, you have someone to cuddle with and keep you warm in the winter.

2. When you have a love slave, you can request daily lip workouts to keep your smile in shape. :)

1. When you have a love slave, they have to submit to your rampant sexual desires daily without complaint!

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor, Van, about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican. I told him that my Father and GrandFather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition. "That's it?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and GrandFather had been horse thieves?" "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."

In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way.

Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception. The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice" The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once" The third woman says: "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us".

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi- syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables." Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband. "How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?" "Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died, too!!"

For all of you who will be sharpening the pencils today for the dreaded US tax return deadline...

The Way Taxes Should Be

Enter the amount you made in 1998 on line 1 1. ____________

Take your pen and count over two places to the left from the little dot. (The decimal place) Enter that amount on line 2 That's 2. ____________ your tax. Live with it.

Do you want to give the Government more money? (Circle one) Y N

If "Yes" then enter that amount here. 3. ____________

Add lines 2 and 3 together. 4. ____________

Send the amount on line 4 to: The Government PO Box 1 Washington DC 00000

Amanpreet was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one." "Oh," sniffed Amanpreet, "just one? And which way is that?" "Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . " "Praise Allah!!!" Amanpreet exclaims, "Number 80!!!"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

A LITTLE OFFICE PRAYER

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
and help me to remember .......
When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my fingers and tell them to fuck off

A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting. However, he thinks she should understand what he wants if he uses sign language. So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof. His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks. "Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response. Exhasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks. "Yes", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat."

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Judi and Amanpreet married and had lived in the mountains for several decades. They had very little furnishings, no pictures, and scant personal belongings. Amanpreet, being aged, didn't make it into town very often. In fact, he'd not been to town in some 70 years. But Judi was something of a nag, and after 70 years he went into town to "pick up a few things." Once in town, he stopped into a shop and saw a mirror. It'd been so long he had FORGOTTEN what a mirror was. Indeed, he wondered where the shop keeper had found a picture of his father. He purchased it. (Don't ask me with WHAT -- it's a joke, roll with it, ok?) Back to his and Judi's little cave in the mountains, he looked at the mirror every day. Judi, not being the brightest star in the heavens, noticed Amanpreet checking out the "picture" often. (Yeah, they remembered what a "picture" was, but forgot what a "mirror" was). Judi thought Amanpreet was checking out a picture of another *woman*! The nerve of that old goat! She had to take a look. So she waited until Amanpreet was out in the field. She went to the "picture", and looked at it long and hard. She said, "Humph. If the old hag looks like THAT, he can have her!"

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers... 'Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!'

If you miss seeing today's Babe and Hunk, you're gonna kick yourself. I can sum 'em up with one word: "Ohmygawd".

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

31 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At WalMart!
PLUS A GREAT WAY TO BEAT THE BLAHS!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible I smell sex and candy"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, were out of toliet paper in here!"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

100 Fun Things to do While Ordering Pizza
1.If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2.Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3.Use CB lingo where applicable.
4.Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6.Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7.Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8.Answer their questions with questions.
9.In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10.Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11.Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12.Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13.Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15.Stutter on the letter "p."
16.Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17.Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18.Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19.Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20.Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21.Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22.Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23.Change your accent every three seconds.
24.Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25.Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26.Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27.If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28.Rent a pizza.
29.Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31.Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32.Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33.Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34.Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35.Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36.Imitate the order taker's voice.
37.Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38.When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39.Play a sitar in the background.
40.Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41.Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42.Ask to see a menu.
43.Quote Carl Sandberg.
44.Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45.Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46.Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47.Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48.Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49.Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50.Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51.Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52.Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53.Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54.Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56.Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57.Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58.Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59.Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60.If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61.Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62.Try to talk while drinking something.
63.Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64.Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65.Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66.Be vague in your order.
67.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68.If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69.After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71.State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72.Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73.Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74.Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76.Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77.Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78.Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79.Put them on hold.
80.Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81.Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82.Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On
the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84.When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85.Haggle.
86.Order a one-inch pizza.
87.Order term life insurance.
88.When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89.Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90.Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91.While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92.Engage in some serious swapping.
93.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94.Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95.If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96.Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97.Order a steamed pizza.
98.Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99.Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

There was Mama mole, a Papa mole, and a Baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house in the country. The Papa mole reached his head out of the mole hole and said, "mmmmm, I smell sausage." The Mama mole reached her head out of the mole hole and said, "mmmmm, I smell pancakes." The Baby mole tried to reach his head outside the mole hole, but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The Baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

The other day some friends and I were discussing one of the few recurrent philosohical topics that come up in our conversations: society as a whole. It was taking its usual course; one of my friends insisted that society was going to hell, the other was somewhat neutral, and I thought that people were becoming more tolerating of differences. My first friend announced (again) that society was on a steady down-hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac." My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomanic' could mean. Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked, "What's that?" "A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend. I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?" My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!"

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible. "All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer." Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now." "I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father." "Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

BEER HELP DESK
SYMPTOM : Beer unusually pale and tasteleless.
FAULT : Glass empty.
ACTION : Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM : Opposite wall covered with flourescent lights.
FAULT : You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION : Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM : Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT : You have fallen forward.
ACTION : See above.

SYMPTOM : Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT : Mouth not open, or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION : Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM : Feet cold and wet.
FAULT : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION : Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM : Feet warm and wet.
FAULT : Improper bladder control.
ACTION : Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM : Floor blurred.
FAULT : You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION : Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM : Floor moving.
FAULT : You are being carried out.
ACTION : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM : Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT : Bar has closed.
ACTION : Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM : Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT : Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION : Cover mouth.

Three men were awaiting execution by Firing Squad. The first man was asked if he had any "Last Words to Say" before facing the Firing Squad. At the last moment he thought of a word and yelled: "EARTHQUAKE"! By diverting their attention he managed to climb over a wall and escape. The second man was put before the firing squad....and also asked: "Any Last Words?" while facing the Firing Squad he yelled out: "FLOOD"! causing pandemonium, and he also managed to escape over the same wall. The third man thought this was a very good idea...and when they asked him for his "Last Words" he screamed, "FIRE"!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Top 5 Reasons computers must be female:
1-No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2-Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3-The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4-The message, "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5-As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A response from various female readers, The Top 11
reasons computers must be male:
1-They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2-A better model is always just around the corner.
3-They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4-It is always necessary to have a backup.
5-They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6-The best part of having one is the games you can play.
7-In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8-The lights are on but nobody's home.
9-Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10-Size does matter. And the Grand Answer?
11-They tell you they have a Big hard drive, but all they have is a little floppy.

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were at the pearly gates waiting to get in when St. Peter shows up. St. Peters turns to all of them and says "You all have led good lives and only need to answer one question to get into heaven" So St. Peter turns to the redhead and asks "Who was the first man on earth?" and the redhead answers "oh, that's easy, it was Adam." BONNNNGGGG!!! The Pearly Gates open and the redhead enters. Next, St. Peter turns to the brunette and asks.. "Who was the first woman on earth?" and the brunette replies, "oh, that's easy, it was Eve." BONNNGGGG!!!! The Pearly Gates open and the brunette enters. Finally, St. Peters turns to the blonde, measures her up, and ask,"What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" and the blonde replies "Oh dear, that's a hard one,..." BONNNNGGGGG!!!!

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his wife, "Your ass is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, and measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are mistaken."

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following a interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

A Gynecolgist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%,so he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.

Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Sven and Lars, to come and try I.D. the body... Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad, Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, that aint Olaf." The mortician didnt say anything, but thought that was kind of strange..... Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body, and Lars looks at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad; roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, that ain't Olaf." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well Olaf had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician... "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Everytime the 3 of us went to town people would say: "Here comes Olaf with them 2 assholes"......

A man & his young son are in a drugstore when the son comes across the condoms & asks his dad what they are. The dad replies, - "Well son, they are condoms & they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs & asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, - "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday & one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condom & asks, - "Why six?" The dad replies, - "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday & two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms & asks the same question. The dad replies, - "Son those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."