General Area

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting.  After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation." He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!" "Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?"

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Yohan's and her friend Sue work in a busy retail shop.  One day Sue was returning to the office from a break and was singing, "There's a bluebird sitting on my shoulder."  Without missing a beat, a little old lady customer walks right up to her and says, "You better get it off before it shits on you."

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.  In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'" "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?" "Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." he husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security,"
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,  "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo." The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,  "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whooping twenty pounds. "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?" The proud Texas father said, "Yep, we just had him circumcised!"

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy he car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later,he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your f***ing head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Cigars and Insurance A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, Citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.  He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.  A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit". "Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?" "He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!  He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey. "We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! "We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!  I just knew we were gonna die!  So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!" He paused.  Then spit.  "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked.  The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The artwork," says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.  Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:  "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I''ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded, 'yes' . After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they mad passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A young boy sidles into an ice cream paror dressed as a cowboy complete with a ten gallon hat, fuzzy chaps and toy sixguns. The girl behind the counter says, "How cute. What'll it be, Tex?" The young cowboy says, "Gimme a hot fudge sundae." She says, "You want whipped cream on that?" He says, "Yep." She asks, "How 'bout a cherry on top?" "Yep," he replies. Then the girl says, "Do you want crushed nuts?" The little boy draws his toy guns and says, "You want your tits blown off?"

"Good evening, ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes," Watson said, "how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand, using the fingers of the other hand to break the fruit into small pieces. The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Simple, Watson. She held the fruit in one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

What do you call a hooker working the highway exits? A tollhouse cookie.

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their positions. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, OK, the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away. And second, " she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's."

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a miniskirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said, "Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out." "Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

At the motel room checkout desk, Harry handed the clerk $50. "I'm sorry, sir," the man said, "but this won't cover your bill." "The hell it won't," Harry barked. "The sign outside says rooms are 40 bucks." "But that doesn't include the food," the clerk explained. "Your total is $75." "But I didn't eat any food." "It was there for you. If you didn't eat any, that's your fault." Harry glared at the motel employee for a moment. "OK," he finally said, "then you owe me $100." "What for?" the confused clerk asked. "For screwing my wife." "But I never touched her!" "That's your fault," Harry shrugged. "She was there for you."

A spectacular looking blonde took a seat at the bar. "What'll it be?" the bartender asked. "Oh, nothing," she replied. "I'm just waiting for that guy with the pet frog to come in." (If this doesn't make any sense, check your old jokes.)

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.""I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

What did one lesbian frog say to the other? "I'll be damned. We do taste like chicken."

What's the difference between oral sex and Christmas? At Christmas, it's better to give than to receive.

Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?" she asked. "Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly. The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter. Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum." A few hours later the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her granson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."

What's the difference between John and Lorena Bobbitt? She's crazy and he's just nuts.

A man went into a brothel and selected six girls for the night. The next morning, the madam informed him that there would be no charge. Two days later he returned, selected the same six girls and enjoyed another fabulous evening. In the morning, however, the madam presented him with a bill for $1000. "I don't understand," the man protested. "On Tuesday it was free." "That's right," the madam replied, "but Tuesdays we're on cable."

Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disapointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.

Why can't they teach drivers ed five days a week in West Virginia? Because they need the car one day a week for sex ed.

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you.

Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. "I've got just two words for you," she screamed. "Drop dead!" "And I've got just two words for you," Roger screamed back. "Let go!"

After her checkup, the young woman told her gynecologist that she was quite concerned, because every man she slept with wanted anal sex. "This may sound silly," she said, "but can I get pregnant that way?" "It's not silly at all," the doctor replied. "Where do you think all the lawyers come from?"

Awakening the morning after the orgy, the god of war was stretching sleepily when he noticed a lovely Valkyrie standing in the doorway. "Good morning," he said. "I'm Thor." She replied, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith."

Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, "Well. . . at least they're together at last." The clergyman looked around. "Which of her husbands is buried here?" "None," the friend said. "I meant, her legs."

Did you hear about the leper who made the painful mistake of jerking off?

What's the Irish version of a queer? Someone who prefers women to liquor.

What do you call a fancy restaurant when all of the gay employees are home sick? Closed.

Why is a joke like a pussy? Neither is any fun if you don't get it.

Why is sex like playing bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on board a commercial airliner? He was arrested for skyjacking.

What do a light and a hard-on have in common? You can't sleep with a light on either.

"Say," said the newlywed to a friend at the office, "does your wife close her eyes when your making love?" "Sure does," said the man. "She just hates to see me having a good time."

On what day is a nymphomaniac forced to make the toughest decision of her life? The day she meets a guy with a fourteen inch dick. . . and herpes.

Jackie asked Dave, "Do you remember your first blowjob?" "Oh, yeah," Dave replied. So Jackie asked, "Well, how did it taste?"

Dave, a hotshot playboy, sits down next to a beautiful woman and says, "How about we go back to my place and I slip you nine inches?" The woman replies, "Oh, you mean you can do it three times in a row?"

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasaurass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapuss.

Cinderella's getting ready for the ball, but she's upset. She tells her Fairy Godmother, "I can't go to the ball. I'm having my period." The Fairy Godmother says, "This is not a problem." She gestures at a pumpkin sitting on a table and, with a wave of her hand, poof! It's a tampon. "This is a magic tampon, Cinderella, " she says. "You MUST be back by midnight or it will change back into a pumpkin." "No problem," Cinderella grins. She heads off to the ball. Midnight comes and goes. The Fairy Godmother is pacing nervously. One o'clock, then two. She is really afraid now. Finally, at 4:00 AM, Cinderella comes staggering in the door. Her hair is dishevelled, her hair is a mess. "What happened?? You were supposed to be back by midnight! " The Fairy Godmother cries. "I know," Cinderella says. "But I was at the dance, having a good time, and I met this guy. He offered to bring me home." "Well, what happened? Who is he? What's his name?" Cinderella ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't remember his name. Peter Peter something or other."

A bunch of Indians capture the Lone Ranger and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, " You are going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The Ranger leans over, whispers something in the horse's ear and then slaps the horse on the ass. Silver takes off. Two hours later, Silver comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and disappears into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, thinking, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring his horse. He grabs Silver's ear, whispers something, then slaps him on the ass. Off goes Silver again. This time, Silver comes back with a naked brunette. She hops off the horse and slips into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads again, thinking, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse again." This time, when they bring his horse, he grabs Silver by both ears, twists them hard and whispers with emphasis, "Read my lips, you moron!!! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

While visiting Las Vegas, a husband and wife are staying at a nice hotel. The husband decides he wants to make love, but his wife isn't in the mood. Frustrated, he wanders down to the casino and trys to pick up a prostitute to take out his frustrations. "A hundred bucks," the pro tells him. "A hundred bucks??" He yells. "You have to be kidding! I won't pay more than fifty! No pussy is worth a hundred bucks!" She tells him that if he isn't willing to pay a hundred, she isn't interested, and walks away. The evening proves largely unsuccessful for him and he eventually goes back upstairs to the hotel room in defeat. Later that night, he and his wife are going down in the elevator to have dinner in the lounge when by coincidence, the hooker gets on the same elevator. She looks at him, examines his wife and says, "See what you get for fifty bucks?"

What's the difference between a rooster and a whore? One says, "cockadoodledoo" and the other says, "anycock'ldoo"

A doctor named Eli Chang had a reputation for helping couples increase the joy in their sex lives, but always promised not to accept a case unless he felt he could help them. The Browns came to see him and he administered thorough physical and psychological exams. After the tests were over, he said, "Yes, I'm happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes one by one across the floor until you make a bull's eye in your wife's love canal. Then, on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. Then next, madam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple tried this, and their sex life became more and more wonderful as time passed. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they should consider seeing the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and told them that he wouldn't take their case unless he could help them, so he gave them the usual battery of tests. After the tests he gave the Greens the bad news; "I cannot help you and I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it will ever be." The Greens pleaded with him, saying, "You helped our friends the Browns. Now please help us!" "Alright, I'll try," the doctor said. "On your way home, stop at the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios . . ."