More Zippergate

Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy".

What do you call the violent deaths of the 3 former Clinton bodyguards who died at Waco, Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and the numerous other associates of Bill Clinton?
Clinton Gore.

Did you hear about the new Hillary Clinton computer?
It has no memory.

What do Bill Clinton and a porn star have in common?
They are both used to changing positions in front of the camera.

BILL CLINTON'S TOP FIVE STRATEGIES FOR THE DEBATES
5.Declare "I will not make any personal attacks like my slimy, two-headed monster of an opponent does."
4.Insist that the town hall debate be moderated by Oprah Winfrey.
3.Have Hillary debate instead-either she whups Bob's butt or Bob Dole will be picking on poor li'l Hill.
2.In the middle of the debate, Clinton crooks his right arm, sticks a pen in his hand, announces, "Hi, I'm Bob Dole." and collapses over the lectern.
1.Don't show up at all. No one will care since Bill Clinton's not there.

BILL CLINTON'S TOP SIX STALLING TACTICS
6. You can't sue a sitting President.
5. Right to Privacy.
4. Lawyer-Client Privilege.
3. Executive Privilege.
2. On Active Military Duty
1. Sure, it's true, but So What!

Yeltsin calling Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian president cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Clinton. "I do need your help," said Boris, "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why, certainly. I'll get right on it." said Clinton. "Oh, Bill, and one more small favor, please?" "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" "No problem," replied Clinton, and with that, he hung up and called the president of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." Trojan's president said, "Consider it done." "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said Clinton, "Write 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

What's Monica's new phone number? 1-8OO-OICU812

What's the difference between Prince Albert and Bill Clinton? Prince Albert comes in a can.

What's the best thing Monica got out of Bill's Penis? The Wrinkles.

Did you hear that Bill Clinton and Jimmy Swaggert are coming out with a new magazine? They're going to call it Re-Penthouse.

Why do we call it the White House? Because sperm isn't purple.

What's the difference between Bill and Monica? One doesn't come clean, the other doesn't clean come.

What do Bill Clinton's Dick and a Chevy truck have in common? They're both like a rock!

How did Bill manage to create such a large gender gap in the '96 election? One woman at a time.

There is a rumour circulating that Monica has been arrested. The charge? Receiving swollen goods.

What did Bill say to Al Gore when passing him in the hall? "Pardon Me!"

What is Monica's favorite make of condom? Presidents Choice.

What are the two differences between Harding and the current boss at the White House? An extra "d" and a space preceding it.

If Al was a tree what classification variety would he be? He would be a pinus. With the holiday season just around the corner, someone may just cut the dead wood down.

Did you hear the Clintons are relieved they named their dog "Buddy"? They're glad they don't have to run around the White House yelling "Come Spot!!!"

What's the best way to circumcise Bill Clinton? Kick Monica in the jaw.

How are the networks promoting the Clinton Testimony tape? Lust-See TV

What is Clinton's best asset? His `lie' ability.

What fraternity did Clinton join at collage? I Phelta Thi.

What do Monica and Lucille Ball have in common? Both love a little cuban.

What similarity is there between Monica Lewinsky's groin and Cuba? They're both excellent tobacco regions.

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? Can I be "blunt" with you?

Did you hear about the new soap opera? Its called As the Cigar Turns.

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky has joined the Republican Party? The Democratic Party left a bad taste in her mouth......

Why did Monica get promoted? She was a great ass kisser.

Why did Monica get promoted? She was an up and cumming talent.

Whats the new White House Slogan? Licks are Forbids.

What's the difference between Nike and Clinton? A. Nike's slogan is "Just Do It." Clinton's is "Just Do Me."

What's President Clinton's favorite cartoon? Inspector Gadget.

What do Clinton have in common with Road Kill? No one wants to admit they are interested, but everyone takes the time to look at all the gory details.

What is the sub title to the Starr Report? The President has No Clothes.

What are all the Clinton Ex-Cabinet Member thinking? I got out Just in time!

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Big Bad Wolf have in common? Both are good at Blowing houses down.

Knock, knock, knocking on Clinton's door.
Who's there?
100 Senators and 435 Representatives.
Tell 'em I'm busy in my study, but if they'll wait, cigars for everybody.

What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton? One had his head blown off. The other was assassinated.

How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGuire right after he hit his 62nd home run? They both get so excited that they skip right past first base.

What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common? They're both making front-page news with their whacker.

What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common? Its all about getting good wood on it.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? On the Titanic, there was a better head count on who went down.

What do Monica and Bill have in common? They both SUCK!

What does Clinton like do after Church? Shoot the breeze with an intern.

What does Bill Clinton's favorite holiday? Easter Service.

Why did Clinton go to Orlando? He wanted to visit Fantasy Land

When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling the cookies. Why not dad? Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies

Why did Bill Clinton become a man of the cloth? The move seemed natural after everyone began to picture him a rector.

Why did Bill quit eating garlic? Monica claims "The hole thing left a bad taste in my mouth".

What's the difference between Monica and a mosquito? When you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.

Why doesn't Monica need money? She has a wad of Bill's.

Why is there a hole in the end of Bill Clinton's penis? So he can think with an open mind.

What the difference between Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin? One is worried about looter out on the Street, the other is worried about hooters to easy to reach.

Why does Hillary get up at 6:A.M.? She wants to be the First Lady!

What does NASCAR and Monica's dress have in common? Dick Trickle

What do Snap, Crackle, Pop and Monica Lewinsky have in common? They all talk after being hit with a white liquid.

What do Clinton and an unemployed actor have in common? They don't have any character

What does Clinton and the Mir Space Station have in common? They both have been up longer than anyone expected and they both have a major debacle every few months.

What has seen more action than Arnold Schwartzineger? The carpet in the Oval Office.

What has seen more action than Arnold Schwartzineger? A seat in the White House theater.

Which song did Hillary get Michael Jackson to sing for Bill on his recent 52nd birthday? "Eat It".

How did Bill's semen get on Monica's dress? Everyone knows Jewish girls don't swallow!

Clinton was watching the Miss Teen USA Pageant on TV the other night........what did he think he was watching? The Home Shopping Network!

What do Clinton and an Iceberg have in common? You can never tell what they are hiding beneath the surface.

What did Monica Lawyer's say right before she testified? Don't Blow It

What did the Congressional Democrats say about Clinton's Speech? Nothing until they check the polls.

What do monica and a hurricane have in common? Both blow hard and leave a mess afterwards.

What is Hillary's favorite river? De'Nile

Who Clinton's favorite sci-fi character? Hand Solo

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton OS? It goes down all the time, won't clarify the error, but blames misinstalled Starr Software instead, and won't admit to the damage caused to the system.

OJ Simpson's advice to Congress regarding impeachment? If the Dress is a Mess, He Must Confess.

What's Bill Clinton's C.B. Handle? Haywood Jablowme.

Why doesn't Bill pay retail price? He prefers to dicker.

Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room? You can't corner anyone in the oval office.

What's the difference between the Clinton White House and a brothel? You have to pay for sex in a brothel.

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

Why did Clinton claim that he never completed a sex act with Monica Lewinsky? Because whenever she put on her presidential kneepads, Geraldo pushed her out of the way.

What did Clinton say when asked about the situation with Rwanda? He denied ever having met her.

Why did Clinton decide to go to Africa? He got the idea thumbing through some of his old National Geographics.

What did Clinton say as he was looking out at the crowd of 500,000 in Africa? .Hey, who's the blonde chick?

What did Clinton tell his secretary prior to leaving for Africa? "Get me a lot of singles, I'm going to bush country!"

The President swore to the sky
He'd never asked someone to lie
But the chance was then missed
To request that he list
Positions he'd told them to try.

The President, as we know well,
Was savaged for trysting a belle.
No one really knew,
But if it were true
He'd been through both heaven and hell.

"I'll admit," said a lawyer named Starr,
"That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."

A girl from 9-0-2-1-0
Came to D.C. to find men to blow.
She padded her knees
To be at full ease.
At 1-6-0-0? Who can know?

A sneaky informant named Tripp
Provided her fans with this tip:
"Hot scandals may hover
Behind a case cover
And other things men can unzip."

A D.A who'd just passed the bar
Told Monica, "Come as you are.
There's no need to dress
We don't want to mess
With evidence you can show Starr."

A witness was rated adept
About how the President slept
The chief's Secret Service
Was making him nervous
But the Service's secrets are kept.

A right-wing spin doctor who's spun
Lurid tales about Monica's fun
Exclaimed when his eyes
Saw the fruit of his lies
"We've gotten O.J. off page one!"

The President having seen action
Thought he'd had full satisfaction
Then the news of the day
And an urge made him say,
"I want to retract my retraction."

Prime Minister Tony Blair telephoned Bill Clinton;
"President Clinton, What's your opinion of the Northern Ireland position?, he asked Clinton replied, "Gee Tony I've not tried that one yet.

A bomb scare of the White House resulted in the evacuation of the building when a a Ryder Truck was found parked out front. But Secret Service agents ascertained that it was just Tipper Gore waiting for her furniture.

Seems all Bill was doing was giving her the Ol' executive order!

Only Clinton can take our mind off a sex scandal with another sex scandal...

Clinton has more Gates then Microsoft.

Clinton gives a whole new meaning to the Presidential Seal of Approval...

Kenneth Starr has suppponeaed Ross Perot.He needs more info on that giant sucking sound.

What is Kenneth Starr's opinion of his chances of prosecuting the President: "Its an open and slut case!"

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper "Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton"

Dr Clinton's prescription for interns: Swallow two mouth fulls and call me in the morning.

I told her to fix my election She thought I said like my erection.

I was a White House intern and all I got was this stain on my T-Shirt.

Clinton is still denying that his relationship with Monica was sexual and claims that he was depressed and deflated and Monica was just trying to keep him pumped up.

During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky" Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky"

Did you hear that Clinton has decided to change his military rank from Commander in Chief to Semen First Class?

Aide (to President): Kenneth Starr sucks! Bill: Well, send him right in!

"One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

The new white house directive to female interns: Don't ask, Don't Tell

The latest acronym floating around Washington D.C. is B.I.T.C.H. It stands for--- Bill's In Trouble, Call Hillary!

Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that "The president really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his performance." Isn't that the whole problem?

If President Clinton practiced safe, monogamous sex, he wouldn't be worried about aides.

After his impeachment Clinton could consider a career in dentistry, He is so good at saying open wide.

After his impeachment Clinton could consider a career as an elevator operator, He is so good at saying going down.

Clinton's Presidential Library will be the first one with an adult section.

Clinton got a new limo... Its called the DV-8 the only problem is when ever you park it all four tires go down on you.

Hey...you sure gotta admire that Monica Lewinsky; she's sure got a lot of spunk... ...in her hair, her dress...

Realization from another White House intern . . . And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!

Monica's attorney, Ginsberg, reported on CNN that Monica came to the white house a shy, naive 21 year old. She has since left with a bad taste in her mouth.

I wanted to stay overnight in the Presidential Suite . . . But I discovered they only rent it in 15 minute increments!

Clinton Virus:Your computer keeps going down but the Bible says it's OK.

The president said "a year and a half affair with Lewinsky would have been impossible -- I would have become bored and cheated on her after six months."

The local department store held a President's Day sale in honor of President Clinton. All men's pants were half off.

Bill decided to lighten the mood for Valentine's day by giving everybody gifts . . Yeah, gag order gifts

I understand that Vernon asked Bill if he enjoyed Moanica's confidence and that Bill responded, "Oh yes! She is very tight lipped."

Bill Clinton certainly has a talent for getting women to do anythign he wants... First he dives into thier skirts, and then he hides behind them.

When asked how she was going to avoid all this embarrassing ‘oral sex’ talk that keeps popping up, Monica said, "from now on, I’m going to put it all behind me.

The President denied that his relationship with Miss Lewinsky was sexual and insisted he was only giving her voice lessons by making her sing ‘The star Spangled Banner’ while holding two small balls in her mouth.

Kenneth Starr finally found out what the distinguishing characteristic on Bill Clinton's penis was. It was Monica.

Don't feel sorry for Monica...... She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!

Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky have definitely changed the definition of "An oval office de-briefing!"

Star finally saw the light when he Tripped into an untapped resource.

Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all over. He said he thought he would stay in D.C. and poke around for a while.

This is a story that's been building for a long time, and suddenly it's spurting out all over.

I can name every single woman Clinton ever allegedly had an affair with, but I can't name a single member of his Cabinet.

It seems the biggest new game to play in Washington DC is swallow the leader.

The White House spin is that this is just a third rate blow job.

In Kennedy's time, we had Camelot, in Clinton's we have CAME-a-lot.

Clinton needs a new spokesman. I'd like to nominate Jerry Springer.

Arkansas is very proud of Clinton- all these women coming forward and none of them are his sister!

The recent allegations about President Clinton's relationship with Monica Lewinsky seem to have left the American public between Iraq and a hard place.

If you think Monica Lewinsky,[White House intern] is DUMB consider this, Monica doesn't know the difference between, "Keeping her mouth shut, and GOing down in History"

Don't be too hard on li'l Monica. Clinton told her oral sex wasn't adultery and she swallowed it.

First he had Flowers placed on his desk, Now he has Lewinsky called on to the carpet.

First Lewinsky was squeezed by the president, Now she is being squeezed by Star.

They set up a partisan sting
About Clinton's adulterous fling
It's the economy, stupid!
So forget about cupid
But the media know sex is king.

She was just old enough to drink wine
But the Prez had her play sixty-nine
He used her for jiz
And sometimes to whiz
But never did enter her gyne.

Said Ken Starr, picking his nose,
"I get more than the public suppose.
It's the Washington way,
For the women to pay,
And the men simply take off their clothes.

There was a young girl named Hornatio
Half the age of the Prez by ratio
As an intern unpaid
She'd hoped to get laid
But the Prez wanted only fellatio.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ghana.
Ghana who?
Ghana get me some women!

How did Clinton create 14 million new jobs? 13 million of them are comedians

Know why oil stocks are so weak? Major drilling in White House.

What's Clinton's Economic forecast? A "Bare" Market

What are the most important issues Clinton has brought to the nations attention? Sexual Harassment

Did you hear that Clinton won an Oscar? He won for Most Dramatic Score.

Why did Clinton flunk spelling? He thought "harass" was two words.

Why is Bill so excited about bombing Iraq? Because it involves attacking a-broad.

What is Monica's Favorite Song? Devil with a Blue Dress.

Where did Monica get that dress anyway? Bill was looking for her birthday gift and the dress was the first thing he come across!

Who were Monica's two best friends while she was at the White House? Neil and Bob

What do Monica and Alaska have in common? The Ididarod.

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence

What was Bill's admonition to Kathleen Willey? Loose lips sink ships of state!

There was a young man in the choir
Whose penis grew higher and higher,
Till it reached such a height
It was quite out of sight
But of course you know I'm a liar.

She egged him on with her charms,
And wriggled right into his arms.
She promised him bliss
With her first little kiss
Then Linda Tripped the alarms.

The country, when asked about Bill,
Said, We'd rather pick one who will
Be true to his mate
Not create Zippergate
But who is like that on the Hill?

An intern not yet twenty-six
Found she could work wonders with dicks
Though she had no spouse
She found the White House
A place to perform all her tricks.

There's now a new name for Bill Clinton's pants... The U.S. Open.

In response to the many inquiries from her devotees, Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") has decreed that the preferred term whenever addressing or referring to first lady Hillary Clinton, is "madam". Citing Teapot Dome, Watergate, Iran-Contra and Zippergate, she said, "It's become clear to me that the President's wife essentially is responsible for running a house of ill repute."

Special prosecutor: Mr Clinton "Please tell the grand jury what you were doing with the cigar." Clinton, " Demonstrating." SP "Demonstrating?" Clinton, "Yes, demonstrating." sp "What were you demonstrating" Clinton " Our policy to Cuba!"

It's odd that Bill gave Monica Whitman's "Leaves of Grass." You would've thought he'd had given her Melville's "Moby-Dick."

The network newscasters originally called it a cocktail dress but, now that the Starr Report has been released, it apparently was really a cockTRAIL dress.

Monica was ready to sell her blue dress until the President put a deposit on it.

Ronald Reagan looked forward to morning in America; Bill Clinton looks forward to moaning in America.

Madison's legacy was the Bill of Rights; Clinton's legacy will be the Rights of Bill.

When asked to compare Paula Jones to Monica Lewinski, Bill Clinton paused, and after considerable thought, finally responded "close, but no cigar."

Bill + Monica = Slick Willy Bill + Hillary = Slack Willy

Bill Clinton was giving testimony before the grand jury. He asks if he could be excused to go to the bathroom. Ken Starr jumps up and says, " I object, he's going to play with the evidence."

Mr. Clinton had an improper relationship with his oath of office.

Picture is worth a thousand words, a DNA sample only one, Guilty.

Churchill still believes that the best way to enjoy a fine cigar is to smoke it.

Clinton is going to change the American national motto, it now will be "Ladies Drink Free."

Politicians are like diapers. Both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

By C-R-I-M-E do you mean that C-linton R-eally I-s M-orally E-nept?

They wanted to put Bill in jail
For using his house to chase tail
But the judge wasn't fooled
Saw no crime so he ruled:
"Not guilty! He didn't inhale."

Said a President thought to give pecks
To areas other than necks
"Although it's most sultry
it isn't adult'ry
I'm not even sure that it's sex."

An intern while giving some head
Sucked so hard that she almost turned red
Bill then said "Hee-Haw!
And please watch your jaw"
But she wouldn't desist 'til he bled.

They said it was the worst of slimes.
He said, "It is the best of times.
The economy is up.
I've got myself a new pup.
Have I committed some crimes?"

Our Exec denies any jiz
From hitting the young intern Ms
Says Bill, If her dress
Is somewhat a mess
It's from my procliv'ty to whiz.

Congress is being terribly unfair to Clinton, they should have impeached him years ago.

Geraldo will report tonight that a souce close to the White House says there are no sources close to the White House.

Monica wanted the cigar, but she just got the tipparillo.

Working at the white house has now become a full contact sport.

Mr. President, I would tell you to stick it in your blow hole, but I am to afraid you just might.

Airhead #1: And now the Republicans are, like, saying Clinton's been splitting hairs and stuff.
Airhead #2: Oh, wow. Like maybe he should try a new Salon!

Clinton's testimony was premeditated, will he now plead insanity?

Hi my name is Bill Clinton and I am addicted to sex. It has been 2 hourse since my last intern.

I wonder kind of cigars Hillary prefers?

Say what you want about Bill, but you have to admit he's a very upright man.

Our president is a weasel, he is a hound. His is like one of the apes in the zoo who always seems to be openly masturbating when you walk by with your kids.

For a man who isn't really sure what are sexual relations, he certainly does a lot of research.

Clinton has less class then a After reading the report it seems the only one that did not know Clinton was having sexual relations with Monica was Bill Clinton.

Clinton like the market keeps hitting new lows.

When Clinton was elected he said he felt our pain, I guess it is now our turn to feel his.

No, No, we don't want you to resign. We just want you reassigned to another house in the Criminal Justice System.

Clinton seems so confused about what exactly is sex, that soon Starr will have to add diagrams to the report.

The only thing the President puts before himself are women.

Who needs Dr. Elders to teach us about sex education when we have Clinton?

I don't see why people say Starr and Clinton are enemies. They are getting along just like brothers, Cain and Able that is.

Definition of Oral Sex: Talking about it. -M. Brown

I just finished reading the Starr Report. There is nothing better then a Blow by Blow account.

With Bill for entertainment there should be a two drink minimum to get in the country.

I let down my country, I let down my family, and now I have let down my pants.

Soon they'll be using the Starr Report, instead of Play Boy as a "catalyst" at sperm banks.

Clinton’s been spinning long enough...let’s hang him out to dry...

Seems they are selling viagara in a brown wrapper now, just like cigars

So when Hillary finally speaks out about the President's confession, who is she going to blame this time? Area 51 Aliens with mind control powers???

Clinton's newest hit song: Once, Twice, Three Times an Apology.

I was watching the TV, I thought it was Titanic, then I realized it was the Democrats fleeing the White House.

While the White House's spin cycle has been left on permanent Press, it seems that they put to much starch in the President's briefs.

The makers of depends are now offering the Democrats a special 15% pre-election discount discount.

Monica's dress will be known in history as "The spot seen round the world"

Well it's nice to see that Clinton has finally 'fessed up and said he is "very sorry". Now, there's just one more step required for him to regain his credentials as a good ol' boy: make it "plumb sorry."

Close associates say the President is thinking of getting Monica a hearing aid for Christmas. He claims he said: "You have two sensational eyes, my love." But she says she heard "You have to sensationalize my lust".

Tomorrow's headline: Spineless Cactus Developed using Clinton DNA.

Monica was planning on getting a new dress but she decided to stick to the one she has.

Few remember that Disney once turned down Monica Lewinsky for an acting job. She had auditioned for a role in a kids' show about government and politics.

Have you heard that Monica Lewinsky is going to be the next Carl's Juniors spoks person? After all who better to tell you " If is doesn't get all over the place it doesn't belong on your face?"

Bill Clinton is known as a frank and candid boss who doesn't beat around the bush. It's said he often starts a conversation with one of the young White House interns with the sentence: "I'd like to get something straight between you and me."

Monica gives a whole new definition to hand rolled cigars.

Now we know why Bill Clinton started chewing his cigars instead of smoking them.

I wonder if the cigar was lit and if it was, did she inhale.

Could she do the same thing with chewing tobacco? If so could she swallow?

Should Monica be on the cover of Cigar Aficionado?

Will it be appropriate now to buy your girlfriend a box of cigars for Valentines Day instead of a negligee?

Do they sell cigar condoms?

Who needs a humidor if you have a Monica?

Maybe she was showing Bill Clinton a new way to bite the tip off.(Ouch)

Have you ever seen a skunk smoking a cigar?

Are cigars cheaper than tampons?

Paula Jones asked her advisors, "Why is Monica more popular than me?" To which they responded, "She was busier than you."

Monica Tongue Twister: Which wiggly wenches' slippery slit's sheathed cheating Slick Willy's wee, wistful weenie lately?

I here Clinton was trying to signal Monica with his tie, I think it was an S.O.S.

George Washinton might have had false teeth, but Clinton is the first president to have a false tounge.

Monica is by far the most famous intern to have ever worked at the White House. Its getting to the point that during a tour white house the now have signs posted, "Monica Sucked Here."

There's a new Clinton bumper sticker. It reads "Vote for the Man Who's Always on Top."

Asked to comment on Clinton's testimony, Starr replied In- Deffinately!

Good evening viewers, we interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you President Clintons "Address" a-bout "a dress"

Clinton didn't have sex he was polling the constituency.

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, I only asked them to kneel.

The new sign over the employee entrance at the White House reads "Abandon hope all ye who intern here."

When asked about Monica's best feature the President replied, "She's got the whitest teeth I"ve ever come across!"

TV Producer, Harry Thomason, announced plans for a new sitcom today. Starring Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, and Pee Wee Herman, the show will be titled, The Three Spooges, and is set to debut midseason.

Monica wouldn't have soiled her dress if she would have just kept her mouth shut.

Monica said she was going to testify truthfully about Bill Clinton. No way will she go down for Bill Clinton.......well not again, anyway.

Ingredients for new, improved Clinton stew:
-- One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.

Monica said she may as well be truthful now about Bill because she doesn't think she stands a chance of getting on the Presidential Staff again.

Hillary is going to write her version of the White House years. It will be called "It Took the Village Idiot!"

Roses are red, Monica blew. It ain't cheatin', 'cause Bill didn't screw.

Some women want expensive gifts, such as diamonds and furs, from their beaus. Then, there's a young lady who will do it for a T-shirt, golf balls and 15 minutes of fame.

I think they ought to give the president some peace....piece? Oh, is that what got him in trouble in the first place?

Seems Bubba has violated the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Ken Starr: "Monica, why are you willing to lie for Bill?" Monica: "I'm not, I'm kneeling."

We haven't elected a president, we have a DICK-tator.

When you consider all the business Bill Clinton generates, I think he should get a discount from his trial lawyers.

Bill's just proven there's one job he wants more than being president.

Reagan was the Great Communicator. Clinton is the Great Fornicator.

Clinton admits that he has a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but that it was OK because he didn't penetrate.

Eatin' aint cheatin'.......?

What do you call the violent deaths of the 3 former Clinton bodyguards who died at Waco, Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and the numerous other associates of Bill Clinton? Clinton Gore.

What do Bill Clinton and a porn star have in common? They are both used to changing positions in front of the camera.

BILL CLINTON'S TOP FIVE STRATEGIES FOR THE DEBATES
5.Declare "I will not make any personal attacks like my slimy, two-headed monster of an opponent does."
4.Insist that the town hall debate be moderated by Oprah Winfrey.
3.Have Hillary debate instead -- either she whups Bob's butt or Bob Dole will be picking on poor li'l Hill.
2.In the middle of the debate, Clinton crooks his right arm, sticks a pen in his hand, announces, "Hi, I'm Bob Dole." and collapses over the lectern.
1.Don't show up at all. No one will care since Bill Clinton's not there.

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital Washington D.C.

Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Guess you heard both Ken Starr and Trent Lott are having an affair with Jodie Foster.

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? The President after Bush

What's the new party game they are playing in the White House? Swallow the Leader

Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his recent address to the nation and said, "Mr. President, I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask." Clinton replied, "Could you drive Monica home?"