Dubliners with Tom Mathews

Back to the top

BORN:   In the exceptionally rare oul' times

READS:   The Complete Works of Eamonn Mac Thomais, Our Boys, The Bell

WATCHES:   Everything changing for the worse

HOBBIES:   Drinking stout, singing The Oul' Triangle, xenophobia, lying about a close friendship with Brendan Behan,

HEROS:   Brendan Behing, Paddy Crosbie ("God be good to him"), Jimmy O'Dea ("That man would make a cat laugh. Nothing like him now"), John Charles McQuaid ("Hard but fair. You knew where you were with him"), Bould Robert Emmett the darlin' of Erin.

ACCESSORIES:   Flat cap, flat accent, flat pint, corporation flat. Brylcreem quiff sprinkled with dandruff, yellowing side-whiskers. Box of matches containing mostly used matches. Gout

HABITAT:   Snugs. On the way to snugs. On the way from snugs. Dole queues. Bus queues.

CATCHPHRASES:   "Me jewel an' darlin' Dublin", "Put there oul son if it weighs a ton", "God between us and all harm".

WILL NEVER SAY:   "And whatever your having yourself", "Nice to see them Spanish students cheering up the place", "They done a grand job on Temple Bar", and "My twist".

Back to the top

BORN   One morning when the sun didn't shine;

MUSICAL TASTES:   Traffic, The Cars; anything middle of the road;

WATCHES:   You fume and sweat as you attempt to follow his directions

HERO:   Adolf Eichmann;

ACCESSORIES:   Rolled up copy of The Herald; magic 'official' cap; a key that mysteriously scores unpleasant scratches along the side of vehicles of motorists who deem it unnecessary to give money to park their own cars.

SAYS:   "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, you've loads of room, (CRASH, CRUNCH). No pal, I was signalin' you to stop. You weren't watchin' the signal. Anyhow, it was his light that got broken. I seen nothin'.(rubs thumb and forefinger to suggest a high denomination banknote);

NEVER SAYS:   "Nice bit of parkin' lady", "No you've given me too much money", "Thanks"

CATCHPHRASE:   "Lockhard, lockhard, lockhard, lockhard, for f**k's sake lockf**lin' hard;

WILL PROMISE:   To look after your car;

WILL NOT:   Look after your car;

HABITAT:   Dublin city, occasionally spotted as far away as Landsdown Road or The Point. Will be seen in force at all the best concerts. Also in front of you at your local pub changing 500 50p pieces as you try to get a pint.

DO NOT SAY:   "There's the keys, I'll be back at eleven, my friend"; "You couldn't park a pram you moron"; Didn't anyone ever tell you the your hat looks ridiculous";

DO SAY:   "You are a vital part of Dublin's night-life, and I couldn't have squeezed into that ample parking space without your assistance. Here's £10 for your trouble. God bless you and yours"

PC WARNING:   This is not an equal opportunity profession.

Back to the top

WATCHES:   All the girls go by. Sky sports. The clock.

HOBBIES:   Profanity. Homophobia. Lager. Leering. Scratching. Yawning. Cards. Collecting cards.

ACCESSORIES:   Denims that reveal unsightly bottom cleavage. Flask of cold tea. Pack of cards with naked women on reverse. Racing paper. The Sun.

PIGMENTATION:   Varies seasonally. Leprous white. Lobster red. Cold tea brown.

SAYS:   "Phwooar! Look at the jugs on tha'. "Hello darlin', would you risk it for a biscuit?" "I suppose a ride'd be owa the question?" "Lie down, I think I love you." "Get 'em off!". "Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole".

HABITAT:   Partly constructed edifice near you.

DO NOT:   Ask him whether he considers 'The Female Eunuch' still relevant in the post-feminist age, or to build your patio.

DO:   Ask him about the 2:30 at Chepstow, or whether Melinda Messenger has 'falsies'.

FAVOURITE SAYING:   ""Why bother with a double entendre when a single entendre will do"

CATCHPHRASE:   "Get up the yard ya humpty ****" "I wouldn't kick her owa bed for a tin' biscuits"

NEVER SAYS:   "If this is not to be a carin' relationship Chrissis, then I feel it would be better to end it now". "Just a Ballygowan and ice then, if you insist". "Well 'Swann' if you must, but 'The Guermantes Way'? My dear 'quelle affreuse'!"

Back to the top

BORN:   With a silver spoon in mouth.

HOBBIES:   Putting silver spoon up nose, howling inanities at rugby matches, talking loudly in restaurants ("A bottle of Port Salut, my man"). Attempting to seduce the au-pair, networking, crashing "the old dear's car".

EDUCATED:   Rock, Clongowes, Castlepark, Newpark, the country's most expensive cramming courses, Trinity.

READS:   Maxim, GQ, Loaded, Oirsish Toimes, Social and Personal (to make sure the photo was in), The Phoenix (to make sure the storey was not in), Law.

WATCHES:   Mother fall off the wagon, father fall off the yacht, sister fall off pony, 'Baywatch'.

HABITAT:   Trinity (except library); Templr Bore.

SAYS:   "Come on Rock", "What do you mean, we can't come in Do you realise who my father is?" "Drink ,Girls, Feck, Arse (laughs uproariously)".

ACCESSORIES:   Rugby jersey, with collar up, flash car (mum's), unopened packet of fruit flavoured condoms, mobile phone ("Catch me on my mobi, OK?")

CATCHPHRASE:   "Haven't seen you in yonks", "She was gagging for it", "Ride the Celtic Tiger", "Point of Hoino there please".

HEROES:   Beavis, Butthead, Kevin Myres, Gerry Ryan.

NENER SAYS:   His prayers, Meetcha at the floozy for a few cans of cider", "Something must be done about the re-distribution of wealth - we cannot allow the creation of an underclass. As Marx says . . .".

Back to the top

HABITAT:   Behind Bars

SHOULD BE:   Behind Bars

READS:   The paper at the other end of the bar while you are trying to catch his attention.   The postcards people send you c/o "The Bar"

ACCESSORIES:   a) In rare aul' pub: shirt with rolled up sleeves, brown stained apron. b) in upmarket pub; white shirt, dickey bow, sneer. c) In yoof bar; backwards baseball cap, Versace tee shirt, camouflage trousers.

HEROES:   Big Jack, Brendan Behing("Many's the time I refused to serve him") Brendan O'Carroll ("He was a waiter ya know")

HOBBIES:   Eye avoidance, sandwich burning, shouting unintelligibly through overloud crackling intercoms. Holding lengthy conversations with pals while you try to catch his eye to order. Flirting with the barmaid while you try to catch his eye to order. Examining your five pound note as if you were a part of a city wide £5 counterfeit gang.

CATCHPHRASE:   "C'mon now ladies an' gents, gone time now, we must clear the house, finish up now, have youse no homes to go to?".

SAYS:   "Notin' wrong wit that pint", "I've only got one pair of hands" "No sir, that was only a fiver you gave me". "I'm not serving you". "I don't have to give you a reason, youse are barred".

UNLIKELY TO SAY:   "I agree whole-heartedly with Pat Rabbitte, were making too much money as it is!", "Don't worry, this one's on the house".

Back to the top

WATCHES:   Closed circuit TV showing endless shot of other end of shop.

SELLS:   Lotto tickets that don't win, tinned steak and kidney pies, potnoodles, frozen chips, cheesy sausages, (in own grease), mushy peas, meths, red wine, TV dinners, lard, etc.

ACCESSORIES:   Irritating shopbell, cardigan with missing button, gloves with missing finger, stubble, cat sitting on boiled ham, broken flickering strip light over frozen food display, pay phone with coin jammed in slot, box inscribed "for the Blind"   When the box if full, shop acquires new blind.

HEROES:   Ebenezer Scrooge, Lucrezia Borgia

HOBBIES:   Lettering signs with apostrophes in the wrong place (i.e. Bean's, Crisp's etc.), sniffing, leaving sections out of the Sunday Papers, comparing the banknote you tender with large diagram of forgeries sellotaped to till.

SAYS:   "What can I do you for (laughs inanely)", "Have you nothing smaller?" "I'm outa change". "I'm just after selling the last one". "Ya can't get that anymore".

CATCHPHRASE:   "No readin' them magazines, this isn't a f****** library".

DO NOT:   Buy anything marked "Bargain" (in this context its meaning is that it is past its sell-by date); attempt to sneak a look at the dirty magazines retailing at three times their cover price on the top shelf; ask for credit "as the response may offend!

DO:   Remember to get everything at the supermarket instead.

Back to the top

WATCHES:   You wait at the rank in the rain at 2am behind five drunks and hundreds of Spanish students as he speeds by in a full car with the 'For Hire' light on.

SAYS:   "An' they call that a summer, wha'?", "I never seen the traffic so bad" "Did you see the match? I never seen two more brutaler goals". "What line are you in yourself?". "Dana for president, wha'?" "Stop the lights" "Of course there's too many plates bein' gave out" "This town's gone to hell altogether with all these (insert favourite ethnic minority) commin' over and takin' all the jobs".   "My granddaddy fought in 1916/ with Collins/ with Dev/ etc."

HOBBIES:   Fiddling with cab radio (always tuned to Atlantic 252) to pick up unintelligible bulletins from HQ.    Honking horn at stalled L drivers.    Honking horn at slow moving pedestrians.    Honking horn at acquaintance across road.    Sudden heart stopping illegal U-turns.

PHILOSOPHY:   The man that made time, made plenty of it.    Rome wasn't built in a day.    The longest way around is the shortest way home and earns the most.

ACCESSORIES:   (a) Rare oul' taxi driver - Padre Pio attached to dashboard with suction cup, pine-tree air freshener which fails to freshen air. Overflowing ash tray.    (b)Trendy taxi driver - Garfield attached to dashboard with suction cup.    No smoking sign.    Plastic seat covers.   All taxis also contain a photograph of the driver that looks nothing like him and a list of extra charges.

HEROES:   Queen Boadicea,    Evel Knievel,   Nicky Lauda

CATCHPHRASE:   "I'm not takin' five".

DO:   Fall into a trance when you hear any of the following cues:- "Politicians is it?   I could tell you stories about some of the same boys that'd make your hair curl." " Crime is it? Don't talk to me about crime" " RTE is it? Don't talk to me about RTE "

DO NOT:   Talk to him about politicians, crime or RTE. Ask if he has had anyone famous in the back of his cab.    Why nobody famous ever gets into the front of the cab is one of those questions you shouldn't bring up either, though of course if you've done it yourself its no longer a mystery.

Back to the top

BORN:   Nineteen (Discreet cough).

WATCHES:   His world collapse

ACCESSORIES:   Cigarette holder, Charvet silk cravats.  Buttonhole.  Cologne.

HEROES:   Gore Vidal, Vidal Sassoon,   St. Sebastian,   Judy Garland,   Leonardo,   Boy George,   Michelangelo,   Daniel O'Donnell,   Dana.

DRINKS:   Dry sherry.

SINGS:   "The Jewel Song" from Faust (If tipsy "I feel like chicken tonight")

HOBBIES:   Collecting first editions.    Collecting Victorian water-colours (which are called aquarelles)    Collecting objets d'art deco.    Collecting dust.

ENTHUSIASMS:   Theatre,    Grand operas,   Youth work

SAYS:   "Make mine a double".

HABITAT:   Once the Hibernian, Bartley's or Jammets.   Now seldom anywhere livelier than the Arts Club, but occasionally to be seen with a young companion in the trendier sort of disco bar. ("I don't pretend to understand this music")

CATCHPHRASE:   "I said I was into antiques dear, not ruins".

Back to the top

BORN:   A bouncing baby bully.

WATCHES:   You wait in the rain to enter a club while he flirts at the door with a girl he knows.

ACCESSORIES:   Designer stubble.   Tuxedo two sizes smaller than he is.    Dickey bow (wrapped 'round a prick!)   Constantly has scowl on face,   Enormous sovereign rings worn on every finger.  "Buuurdd" must be at least "preggers" or have a "little fucher".   Rotweiller essential to keep up the hardman image and tells people who even look crossways at it that you'll "bate de fuchkin bollix off them"

HEROES:   Neanderthal Man,    Meatloaf,   Desperate Dan,   Mike Tyson

HOBBIES:   Breaking breeze blocks with his head    Tearing phone books in half    Bending coins in fingers.    Bending rules (for a consideration)    Dwarf throwing    Throwing you out  Watching TV (while his lips move)    Spit on pavement at least every three seconds

SAYS:   "No Docs" "No Levi's" "No Runners", "You're not wearin' a tie" "I don't see your name on this list, chief." "We're full.". "Ah come on in girls, youse get in free ".

CATCHPHRASE:   " Sorry pal, I don't know you." "Regulars only".   " That's not my problem mate, I only work here".

DO:   Imagine saying  "This morning I became owner of this club as the deeds I am now producing prove.   Pick up your cards before I have you arrested for loitering. "

DO NOT:   Do anything of the kind, just slink off to queue miserably for the club, and be glad he hasn't put you in hospital.

NOR SHOULD YOU:   Make humorous remarks about his resemblance to Dr. Frankenstein's creation.   Enquire how he's feeling after his charisma by-pass.   Suggest he consult a palmist to have his fist read.

PC WARNING:   This is not an equal opportunity profession.

Back to the top

BORN:   To act.

WATCHES:   The birdie

READS:   The tea leaves, for small parts.   The autocue.

HOBBIES:   "Attending previews ("Just as good as first nights and a lot cheaper.") Elocution. Karaoke ("It's all experience") Practising Academy Award acceptance speech in mirror. "People are my hobby"

WORK EXPERIENCE:
   (a) (At seven) Third elf in Santa's Grotto in Santa's Happiest Christmas (Senior Infants' Christmas Hayride)
   (b) (at 14) Third Witch in MacBeth.
   TV (a) (At seven) Smiling winsome gap toothed smile while extolling new blackpudding burgers.
   (b) (At 16) Smiling tearful braced toothed smile as third underage 'alcopop' victim in Fair City Concerned Parents episode.
   (c) (At 18) Smiling perfect (£5,000 dental job) smile in Lowbrau beer commercial.

OTHER WORK:   "Crimeline reconstruction.   Stint as giant chicken handing out fliers.   Tryout for Bosco's new pal. (deemed too wooden).

ACCESSORIES:   "Cheese",   ""No, there's no special man in my life at the moment my career comes first."   "Yes I would consider a nude part if it was artistically justified."   "My one regret is I was too young when dey, I mean they wur filmin' The Commitments."   "All right then, a tequila sunrise."

Back to the top

WATCHES:   To be wild (probably on the cusp of something)

READS:   The Tarot.   Lord of the Rings   Hesse.   The Tibetan Book of the dead. The Liverpool Poets. Howl. Rupert Bear annuals.

HABITAT:   The Southside. Temple Bar Square. Midnight at the Olympia. Oxfam shops.

HOBBIES:   Growing mustard and cress on facecloth (organic farming). Xeroxing self penned haikus about the rain forest. Rainbow striped candle manufacture. Watching video of Magic Roundabout. Conversing with flora. Planet Salvation.

ACCESSORIES:   Nondescript dogs on string named for signs of Zodiac. Cuff-frayed over patched and embroidered. Absurd hat to cover bald patch. Grey pony tail. (Didgeridoo, cowbell, kazoo, bongos, spoons, bodhran, comb and tissue paper.) Queuing for the magic bus.

HEROES:   Donovan, Dylan (pre-electric only), Stones (Static majesties only) Floyd (Syd Barrett period only), Beefheart, (Trout Mask only), Bowie (pre-ziggy only), Jim Fitzpartick.

SAYS:   You're a Dragon aren't you?"  "Probably a Libra. I can always tell."  "You'll never enjoy the world alright till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the winds and crowned with the stars."  "Got any skins man?"

CATCHPHRASE:   "We are the people our parents warned us against".

Back to the top

HABITAT:   Your local pub.

HOBBIES:   Throwing cups made from cigarette packet silver paper up to stick to pub ceiling. Flipping beermats up from edge of bar and catching them with one hand. 'Impressions of Bottler,  Dustin,  Tommy Cooper,  James Cagney,  Basil Fawlty etc.    Throwing peanuts up in air and catching them in mouth.   Interminable tricks with coins and matches.   Jokes in accents he can't do.

HEROES:   Brendan O'Carroll ("The amazin' thing is that he done it all on his own terms").   Gerry Ryan ("You wouldn't know what he was goin' to do next").   Eamonn Dunphy ("You've got to hand it to him - he tells it like it is").

ACCESSORIES:   Biro, which if held upside down, reveals picture of scantily clad model.   Garish tie.   Beer belly. Red face. Pint. Mobile phone.

KNOWS:   Everybody.   Everything.   Who shot Michael Collins,   Where Charlie got all his money.   More than he's lettin' on.

SAYS:   " Same again " " God save all here except the cat ;"  

CATCHPHRASE:   "If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window" (laughs inanely).

Back to the top

WATCHES:   Chips flash fry in molten fat.   Flies fry on flashing blue electric wall grid.   Queue form in opposite direction to laboriously hand painted sign reading "Q this side".

HOBBIES:   Burger battering.  Barking incomprehensible admonitions to Italian staff.,  Tunelessly whistling Verdi.

HEROES:   Captain Bird's Eye   Spice Girls   Stephen Fry,   Mr. Bean.

ACCESSORIES:   Colour photo of Pope blessing vinegar works  Colour photos of fast food that look nothing like the food served    Pencil moustache.   Large number of pencil moustachioed daughters working in kitchen   Stained white coat   Small white bags designed to stick to chips.    Large brown bags designed to dissolve on contact with vinegar.

CATCHPHRASE:   "You wanta salt ana vinegar on that?"

FAVOURITE MOVIE:   " Grease ;"  

SELLS:   Ray, whiting, fresh cod, smoked cod, curry rolls, chips etc.

SAYS:   " Yes?" " Sorry no ray, no whiting, no fresh cod, smoked cod, curry rolls, chips etc. tonight"  

PHILOSOPHY:   Let the chips fall where they may.

Back to the top

HABITAT:   Colleges. Bars. College bars.

HOBBIES:   Revisionism  Sneering at Maynooth ,  Shafting colleagues,  Writing 'satirical' letters to "The Irish Times" ,  Wife avoidance    Forming cliques .   Deploring cliques .  Reading essays   Working essays into lectures,   working lectures into books,   working book into series of newspaper articles, working articles back into lectures   Drinking too much at lunchtime.   Drinking too much at summer school.   Drinking too much in the hospitality room in RTE before appearing on "Questions and Answers"   Drinking self to death on American lecture circuit.

ACCESSORIES:   Beard (often shaved into strange pattern)  Threadbare tweed jacket with leather patches on elbow.  Unpolished shoes,   Pipe repaired with elastoplast.   Glasses for glaring over, tooth tapping, ear wax excavation, flourishing, biting thoughtfully, constantly mislaying etc.

SAYS:   A lot of unintelligible waffle

HEROES:   Kingsley Amis.   The Cruiser   J Joyce.

CATCHPHRASE:   "But one can't say 'hopefully' in the German sense 'Hoffentlich', it's an adverb."

Back to the top

READS:   Horoscopes and amazingly similar problems of the heart to her own aloud to enthralled audience of other assistants as you vainly attempt to buy something.

ACCESSORIES:   Badge with name on it so she will not forget who she is.

HEROES:   Baby.   Ginger.   Scarey.   Posh.  Sporty.

HOBBIES:   Gum chewing,   Winding hair around finger,   Marvelling at tans of returned holiday making friends,   Describing failings (sexual, physical, aesthetic, intellectual) of current partner to giggling colleagues as you vainly attempt to buy something ,   Flirting with delivery staff as you vainly attempt to buy something   Criticising the actions of characters in soaps as you vainly attempt to buy something

FAVOURITE SONG:   "Dream, dream, dream"; "Busy doin' nothing", "Sleepytime Gal"

SAYS:   "Who's next?", "Got anythin' smaller", "We don't do dem"

CATCHPHRASE:   "I wooden know annythin' abou' tha', I only work here."

Back to the top

HABITATS:   Stalled car in traffic during 'rush' hour, (so called because nothing is moving faster than a snail on valium)

ACCESSORIES:   Fluffy dice,   Nodding head dog (though seeing eye dog would be more appropriate,   Un-re-foldable maps,   Cassettes (stored on floor for ease of breakage,   Stethoscope casually draped across back of passenger seat,   £10 note folded into driving license,   Humorous stickers

HOBBIES:   Blasphemy.   Road rage.    Men Shaving,   Women Fixing makeup and hair using rear-view mirror    Both Talking on mobile phone,  Ignoring kids washing windscreen,   Smoking,   Picking nose,   Falling into trance.

SAYS:   "Come on, the lights have been green for the last ten minutes?", "Christ missus, will you ever look where you're going", "They are releasing too many of them into the community"

HEROES:   Baby.   Mad Max.   Marc Bolan.   Sterling Moss

CATCHPHRASE:   "Why aren't you people out catching murders instead of harassing motorists?."

Back to the top

HABITATS:   Ahead of you in the doctor's waiting room describing his case to a captive audience ("The doc said he'd never seen a case like it").   Behind you in the cinema, coughing.

READS:   Grays Anatomy,    All the medical books in the local library,   The obituary column.

HOBBIES:   Taking temperature.   Taking pulse.    Taking week off work.   Catching cold.    Blowing nose into well used handkerchief and examining the contents.   Developing pain in neck.   Being a pain in the neck.   Coughing, sniffing, wheezing, groaning, moaning etc.   Outliving everyone else.

ACCESSORIES:   Hot water bottle,   Slippers,   Lucozade.

SELF DIAGNOSIS:   Brain tumour (headache),    Myocardial infarction (indigestion),   Leprosy (dandruff),   Alzheimer's (forgotten appointment),   Cerebral haemorrhage (nosebleed).

CATCHPHRASE:   "There's a lot of it about"

Back to the top   

HABITATS:   Temple Bar, though it has been sighted as far afield as Baggot Street on sunny afternoons. The incident room, Pearse Street Police Station. The Mailboat.

HOBBIES:       Drinking lager,     howling like a rabid pig, bawling Oasis songs off key, harassing women,  dropping trousers on street     displaying bottom,     blacking groom-to-be's genitals with boot polish,     blacking out,     appearing on mindless documentaries doing all of the above.

ACCESSORIES:     comic tee-shirt ('Sex Machine - To Operate Turn Handle Below ),    handcuffs for affixing naked groom-to-be to lamppost;    rubber breasts worn outside tee-shirt (you gotta laugh entiyou?).

HEROES:   Neanderthal man,)   Oliver Reed,   Bernard Manning,   Manchester United,   Hurricane Higgins.

SAYS:  &nbspGet another round in,"    Get it down ya!"   

CATCHPHRASE:   "Oh gawd me'ead. Never again"   

Back to the top   

HABITATS:    Classroom, Common Room, Public Transport, and Padded Cells.

HEROES:    Herod. WC Fields MR. Chips. Teacher's Whiskey. Roddy Doyle.

HOBBIES:   Beating clouds of chalk dust from cape. Fawning over inspectors. Crawling to headmaster. Amateur psychoanalysis (especially useful at parent - teacher meetings) Abnormal psychology (especially useful if teaching C stream) Correcting 500 essays on the French Revolution Attempting vainly to dry coat on freezing radiator in common room. Chain-smoking. Sighing. Uncontrollable weeping. Alcoholism. Apoplexy.

ACCESSORIES:    Cane in glass labelled 'Them was the days' Microscope (for counting salary). Nit lotion. Socks with holes in them, disguised by inking ankles. Tweed jacket with holes in elbows. Foul pipe. Prodigy CD and packet of Durex (Confiscated) Expression of existential despair which after class blossoms into mere gloom.

FAVOURITE SONG:    Bye bye Blackboard.

CATCHPHRASE:   "Why me, why me?"

Back to the top   

HABITATS:    Everywhere, but especially patches of greenery prominently marked 'No Dogs Allowed'.

HEROES:    Rin-tin-tin, Lassie Linda McCartney

HOBBIES:    Removing hairs from soup.  Hovering hairs from sofa, beds, carpets. etc. Hovering hairs and sand from ear after walk at seaside. Blow drying saliva soaked slippers. Throwing sticks. Throwing ball into canal for dog to retrieve. Retrieving ball. Throwing dog into canal with cries of encouragement. Apologising to passers-by for dog shaking canal water all over them.  Throwing fit.  Shouting heel.  Shouting obscenities.  Pretending not to notice as dog strains on lash to foul pavement.

FAVOURITE SONG:    Walkin' the Dog.

ACCESSORIES:    Flea powder. Dog Deodorant that doesn't work. Worm powder. Dog whistle (inaudible to dogs). Pooper scooper never used.

FAVOURITE SONG:    Walkin' the dog.

SAYS:    How's the boy then? Does he want to go walkies? Don't show him you're afraid of him. They can sense fear Part Doberman, part Irish Wolfhound, that's right. Strong as a horse. Had the leg off the piano yesterday. And intelligent? Knows every word you say to him. GET DOWN YOU STUPID LUMP. Those marks will come out if you soak it, it's only mud. His breath. I suppose it's a bit on the strong side, but you soon get used to STOP THAT AT ONCE, BAD BOY. I'm terribly sorry. New trousers were they? Only the bitch next door is on heat and he does get a bit frisky etc etc

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    Launderette.    Express checkout of supermarket.    Local chipper.    'Adult' section of video library.    Off-licence, Leeson Street.

HEROES:    Martin Clunes, Kate Moss Liz Hurley, Posh Spice.

HOBBIES:    Football.    Hurling (especially after a long night in a pup).    Worrying about weight.    Worrying about male-pattern baldness.    Ponytail cultivation (3 years too late).    Jogging (ten years too late).    Trying to impress secretary.    Impressing secretary as idiot.    Giving girl with hayfever flowers.    Being refused in pub.    Being refused by girls in club.    Refusing to leave.    Refusing to come quietly.    Being refused bail.    Etc. etc.

FAVOURITE DISH:    The cleanest one.

SECOND FAVOURITE DISH:    Satellite

ACCESSORIES:    Mobile phone.    Fridge containing: jar of mayonnaise, sausages, sour milk.    Unidentified frying object on stove.    Packet of Durex (all past use by date).

READS:    Loaded, FHM GQ, Esquire, Maxim, Playboy (for the interview).

SAYS:    " The happiest moments of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife; My Mother!"

WATCHES:    'Baywatch', 'Men Behaving Badly' (but does not get the joke), 'The Playboy Channel (for the interviews), Fake Rolex.

CATCHPHRASE:    "I don't like yours"

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    The Point Depot.    Midnight at the Olympia. The National Stadium. The International Bar.

HEROES:    John Peel, Dave Fanning, Peter Pan.    Bob Harris (if of a certain age)

HOBBIES:    Getting it together, Staying cool.    Chilling out.    Telling it like it is.    Keeping Ireland safe for Rock and Roll.
Sneering at established religion Balding.    Posing.    Talking about intimacy with 'Philo' (if of a certain age).    Forming unsuccessful group.    Despising U2 for selling out (if of a certain age).    Knowing famous rockers when they were nobody.    Seeing through commercial money grubbing society.    Trying desperately to get work on radio, TV or the papers.

ACCESSORIES:    Raybans (for evening ware).    Hissing walkman with bootleg tape by name band.    Stack of CDs for review / resale.    Year old 'access-all-areas' laminate on T-shirt.    Pierced ears, nose, privates etc. (if of as certain age).    Beard, (especially if prematurely balding).    Funny hat, (especially if prematurely balding)

PHILOSOPHY:    You gotta stay young, you can never get old.    It's the golden age of Rock and Roll

SAYS:    "John was a lovely man, man.", "Diamond, nice geezer, bless him".    "Cosmically speaking, the cosmos is kinda cosmic really bless it".    "Whom the gods love (bless them) die young"

CATCHPHRASE:    "This is the hospitality tent, isn't it?" "I don't understand, I was assured my name would be on the guest list, . . look, I know people drinking in there, do you realise who I am? Etc. etc.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    Magic grotto in shop opposite cardboard cut-out of Humphrey Bogart holding list of bargain videos with caption 'Here's lookin' at yule kids'.

ACCESSORIES:    Midgets disguised as elves.    Cotton wool beard.    Waterproof trousers (for nervous kids).    Barrel of cheap gifts.    (In trendy shop) An assistant called Santa Spice ("Tell her what you want, what you really really want")

HOBBIES:    Sweating.    Eating mints.    Downing whiskeys during breaks

KNOWS:    If you've been sleeping.    If you're awake.    If you've been good or bad.

DO:    Be good for goodness sake

SAYS:    "Of course I got your letter.    Its just when your a million years old you forget things" "All beards in the North Pole look like cotton wool"

CATCHPHRASE:    "This is the hospitality tent, isn't it?" "I don't understand, I was assured my name would be on the guest list, . . look, I know people drinking in there, do you realise who I am? Etc. etc.   

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    The Kitchen.    The alley behind the restaurant having a smoke.    Five tables away with his back to you.

HOBBIES:    Still life.    Amnesia.    Recommending dishes that are not selling well.    Scowling.    Pretending to be impressed when you go through the nonsense of sniffing the bouquet of whatever red ink the house is currently attempting to unload.    Sneering at your accent (if in a French Restaurant)

ACCESSORIES:    Cloth of unexplained function carried over arm.    Bow tie.    Peppermill for histrionic sprinkling with flaying elbows.    Four-o-clock shadow.    Tray of delicious food for adjoining table who ordered 20 minutes after you did.

FAVOURITE SONG:    "Why are we waiting?"

SAYS:    "Yes Sir, an excellent choice (stifles laugh).    Yes sir, gratuities at the customer's discretion.    Thank you very much sir"."

CATCHPHRASE:    "I only have one pair of hands."

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    The lobbies of the larger hotels.

HOBBIES:    Giggling.    Not shaving under arms (girl power).    Posing for dull photographs in social columns.    Breaking glass.    Passing 'round funny cigarette.    Passing out.    Losing Keys.    Losing memory.    Losing escort for better looking friend.    Failing to lose virginity.    Drinking in late night bars where she embarrasses barman and escort by asking for cocktail neither has heard of.    Falling asleep in phone booth trying to call home at 7 am.

ACCESSORIES:    Low cut dress which stays up (miraculously) all night with a little help from Kleenex.    Wilting corsage.    Disposable camera - disposes of by losing.

HEROES:    Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary, Sporty, Peter Carvosso

SAYS:    " I shouldn't reely.    Oh all right then, just a Southern Comfort." " I shouldn't reely.    Oh all right then, just a Bacardi." " I shouldn't reely.    Oh all right then, just a Tequila."

CATCHPHRASE:    "I swear to god Ma, I wasn't drinking."

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    In pub driving friends insane.    At home driving family insane.

HOBBIES:    Chewing nails.    Chewing gum.    Chewing out family.    Wheezing.    Trembling.    Insomnia.    Overeating.    Hypnosis.    Acupuncture.    Weeping.    Wondering what to do with hands.    Scrubbing nicotine stains off fingers with pumice stone.    Looking in mirror every few hours to see if skin has improved yet.   

ACCESSORIES:    Nicotine patch.    Chocolate.    Toffees.    Nicotine gum.    Paperback entitled "Quit in ten days"

EX ACCESSORIES:    Lighters.    Lighter fluid.    Matches.    Ashtrays.    Snuff.    Cigarette box.    Cigar cutter.    Smoking jacket.    Cigarette papers.    Cigarette holder Smoker's toothpaste.

SAYS:    " Yea, it's been 72 hours and eleven minutes since I've had one.    Can't see what all the fuss is about.    Matter of willpower, pure and simple.    After five years your chances of a coronary go down by 50%.    That's only four years, eleven months in my case.    Funny thing I don't miss them.    No go ahead, have one, it doesn't bother me at all.    And there's the saving, easily nine quid a week, less the cost of the gum, patches, book, acupuncture and hypnotherapy.    As for the weight, I think it looks good on me.    I have to say I have never felt better (cough, cough, wheeze)"

CATCHPHRASE:    "No thanks, I've given up.    Oh all right then, just give me a drag of yours.    One drag can't hurt.    God I needed that.    Hey barman, give me twenty of them etc. etc."

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    Pubs where flat larger, vodka and Mi-Wadi cocktails, chicken in baskets, and the sort of punters who like that sort of thing are found.

ACCESSORIES:    Cowboy hat.    Much patched fringed Levis.    Boots.    'Gee tar' much battered and covered with peeling stickers.    Helsinki Hootenanny runner-up prize 1979, Gdansk Kontrifest Golden Turnip Award 1983.    Garish poster of younger self with blank space to clumsily hand write next gig into.    Cassettes of live show.

SAYS:    " One, two, one two, wonderful to be with you (strums guitar breaking string).    "A little number now I call 'Tu-Ning'".    "Anyway, hi there y'all".    "T'is here's a little toon I heard whall tourin' th' east coast . . . .of Wicklow (Pauses for non-forthcoming laugh).    But seriously folks, I put my own words to it in an ab thank that any of yew out there who've known the lurve of a child will know how it feels whain this here happens. And folks, it happened ta me".

SINGS:    A lot of songs that sound the same.

CATCHPHRASE:    "What's that? An encore?".    " Here's one you can all join in on - 'You are the wind beneath my wings'"

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    (A)  On hearing of the event - cloud nine     (B)  One month later - The Twilight Zone

ACCESSORIES:    Jacket stained with regurgitated milk.    Shirt stained in manner best not described.    Fingers stained with new 40-a-day habit.    Rattle.    Security blanket.    Baby powder.    Baby Power.

HOBBIES:    Waking up every 45 minutes through the night to rustle up milk for gourmand heir.    Dozing on bus.    Dozing at office.    Dozol in hope of getting a few hours sleep.    Falling asleep standing up.    Growing beard (five minutes extra sleep in the morning.   Sterilising milk.    Contemplating own sterilisation.

HEROES:    Dr. Spock    Teletubbies.    The inventor od Disposable Nappies.   The inventor of Valium.   The inventor of Disposable Income..

SAYS:    " I'm convinced that noise he's making is 'Da Da'.    "Better get his name down for third level education now - there's no point taking chances".    "I don't like the sound of that cough.  I don't care if its 5 am,   I'm calling the doctor.   You can't be too carefull".

CATCHPHRASE:    "Never again".

Back to the top   

Back to the top   

HABITAT:    Behind cluttered desks everywhere

HOBBIES:    Sellotaping 'Love Is clippings from paper to computer case.    Making Coffee.    Spilling Coffee on important documents.    Painting and filinf nails.    Filing.    Making up list of appointments for boss.   Making up reasons for a three hour lunch break.    Making up.  Collecting money from everyone in the office to buy a cake for a departing colleague,

ACCESSORIES:   Office boy.   Magazine.   Packet of buscuits  Walkman.    Dried-up Tipp-Ex   Baby powder.    Baby Power.

HEROES:    Dr. Spock    Teletubbies.    The inventor od Disposable Nappies.   The inventor of Valium.   The inventor of Disposable Income..

SAYS:    "He's not in   "He's on another line, can you hold?".    "Your holding for ???  He's just gone into a meeting.   He's on holiday this week".

CATCHPHRASE:    "The cheque is in the post".

Back to the top   

BORN:    Shaltona Queen of the Incas, 4000 BC, but now works as a typist in the Corporation.

READS:   Your mind, The Leaves, Palms, The Tarot, The National Enquirer.

HABITAT:     Temple Bar Square. Midnight at the Olympia. Oxfam shops. Flea Markets

HOBBIES:    Avoiding black cats   Opening bible at random and acting on advice therein..    Tree hugging   Seeing Auras.   Walking around at night hoping to be abducted by aliens.    Spending Friday 13th in hiding.

ACCESSORIES:   Ancient amulet (Woolworths 1959).  Magic wand.   Lucky rabbit's foot (unlucky for rabbit!)

HEROES:   Scully and Mulder   Donovan   Nostradamus

SAYS:    "Youre going to meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger".

CATCHPHRASE:    "Its written in the stars".

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Skips

ACCESSORIES:   Thick Gloves.  Hard Neck   Large Bag (In extreme cases a handcart)   Fly Repellant   Gas Mask

HOBBIES:    Talking about skips.

HEROES:   Steptoe and Son,   Skippy the bush kangaroo

SAYS:    "See this, they don't make 'em like that any more".   "Cost nothing - found it in a skip"

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   In front of you at the express 10 or less checkout with a trolly of 89 items.

ACCESSORIES:   Retires husband with food stained clothing who wanders about in bemusement.  Trolly containing howling child.

HOBBIES:    Dictating medical history to lone butcher with queue of 40 behind.  Forgetting to weigh vegetables causing delay at checkout,   Playing didgem with trolly cart.  Being the slowest moving item in the supermarket..

SAYS:    "Forget me own head if wern't screwed on".   "Between Saddam in Iraq and the mad cows, your taking your life in your hands these days"

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   St Stephen's Green, Temple Bar, Grafton Street, the bench in front of the O'Connell Monument.

ACCESSORIES:   Studs.  Safety pins.  Torn vest.  Dat-glo hair.  Nazi memorabilia.  Girlfriend who looks exactly like him.  Battered pram containg miniture version of self.

HOBBIES:    Eating junk food.  Collecting dole,   Getting Tattooed.  Not getting served in pubs.  Being photographed by tourists.  Body piercing.  Economising on dental bills.  Gaping, Sneering, Scowling.  Slumping in doorways.  Unplanned obsolesence.  Unplanned parenthood.  Getting bollixed on cider.  Rejecting bourgeois values.  Sneaking home to parents at weekends for a hot dinner.

HEROES:    Sid. Nancy, The guy who topped Lennon, The Minister for Social Welfare.

SAYS:    "'s a clash of cultures innit?".   "Er, got ten pee pal?"

CATCHPHRASE:    "No more heroes anymore"

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   The streets of Dublin.

ACCESSORIES:   Luminous tape (so moterists can see him to knock him down at night).  Walkman.  Hip Flask containing Johnny Walker (medicinal).

HOBBIES:    Taking stones out of shoes.  Scraping dog mess off shoes.   Avoiding getting drenched by spray from moterists speeding through pools of water.  Contortionist weaving to avoid eye being gouged by women with umbrella still up ten minuted after rain has stoped.  Recovering from myocardial infarction as teenage daredevils on motorcycles race on footpath.  Begger aversion.  Accidenttally kicking busker's hat full of coins across Grafton Street.  Having treatment for pram shattered ankles.

FAVOURITE FILM:   Walkabout.

HEROES:    Dr Marten, Dr Scholl.

SAYS:    "Best exercise of the lot, walking, I get six miles a day in".   "The streets were never designed for this traffic "   "LUAS how are you, too little too late "   "Traffic lights are all rigged in favour of the motorists, pedestrian button just a placebo."  "Still raining? Any chance of a lift if you'r going my way? "

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Habitat, buying furniture you can't afford.

ACCESSORIES:   Double glazing.  Weedless lawn.  Two storey bird-bath.  Embarrassing house name on kitsch sign.

HOBBIES:    Cycling.  Recycling.   Political correctness.  Voting Green.  Living within income.  Remembering anniversaries.  Writing DIY column for parish newsletter.  Getting second job at night to put polite well behaved children through college on the off-chance that they don't all get scholarships.

FAVOURITE FILM:   The Sound of Music.

HEROES:    Dr Marten, Dr Scholl.

SAYS:    "I don't drink. Only the other day I read in the newspaper about the number of days lost to overindulgence".   "Cigarettes are worse, just burning money that is"

CATCHPHRASE:   It's nice to be nice.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Local library beside radiator reading newspaper for nothing.

ACCESSORIES:   Zimmerframe and false beard for free travel.  Toilet tissue of newspaper squares.  Vice to squeeze the last from the toothpaste.  Confirmation money.

HOBBIES:   Cutting corners.  Smoking OP's.  Reusing tea-bags.  Taking tips left by others in restaurant.  Contacting Masonic Hall when building an extension to look for a free mason.

FAVOURITE FILM:   The Sound of Music.

HEROES:    Fagin.

SAYS:    "Drink? that's kind of you. I'll have a double if that's all right".   "It's a shame it's gone closing, I was going to buy you a round."

CATCHPHRASE:   "Sorry lads, I seem to have come out without my wallet".

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Somewhere in your office.

ACCESSORIES:   Cheap aftershave.  Braces.  Pot belly.  Shirt with sweat stained underarms.

HOBBIES:   Making chains out of paper clips.  Sending office boy to buy glass hammer and striped paint.  Doing impression of boss.  Pretending to be taxman and ringing nervoud colleague about undeclared nixers.  Getting pissed at lunch.  Leering at female colleagues.

FAVOURITE FILM:   The Sound of Music.

HEROES:   John Belushi.  Cannon and Ball.  Jerry Lewis.

SAYS:    "Hey girls, mine is twelve inches long, but I don't use it as a rule".

DRINKS:   Gallons of fizzy larger.

EATS:   Burgers, pizzas,take-away curries from chineese restaurants where he always asks for flied lice.

SLEEPS:   Off lunch with phone off the hook every afternoon.

EATS, DRINKS, and SLEEPS:   Soccer.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Detached house in suburbs with silly name on kitsch sign.

ACCESSORIES:   State of the art strimmer.  Power lawnmower that makes the sound of a crashing jumbo.  Plastic gnomes.

HOBBIES:   Complaining about greenfly.  Complaining about weather.  Complaining about backache.  Growing potatoes the size of his own blisters.  Hanging out bird food which the birds ignore in favour of redcurrants, strawberries, rasberries, and gooseberries.    Talking to plants.  Tracking mud all over the house.

FAVOURITE STOREY:   The hard winter when the heating failed and he was found nearly frozen next to a marrow.

HEROES:   Adam,   Percy Thrower.

SAYS:    "OK boys, I know when I'm licked, just concrete the f****** thing over".

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Under the trees on the cycle path by the canal bank in summer.

HOBBIES:   Spouse avoidance.  Waiting patiently through the humid afternoon hoping for a bite.  Anointing bites with soothing medication.  Enduring endless questions from children who scare the fish away.  Holding arms out at full stretch to indicate the size of the bill charged for the equipment.    Dozing.  Catching fish to be presented to wife (who will present it to cat).

ACCESSORIES:   Super silicon rod and reel with two thousand pound breaking strain (strain of paying for it).  Net big enough to hold a bull walrus.  Hat with colourful hooks for catching fingers.   Box of wriggling maggots Identiical box for lunch (No. don't even think of it).

CATCHES:   Supermarket trolly,   Pile of green weeds,   Condoms,   Traffic cone,   Cold,  Bus to local pub,   The barman's eye too often,   Hell from wife when he gets home.

HEROES:   Captain Ahab,   Captain Nemo,    John West,   Captain Birdseye,   The bloke who catches the shark in 'Jaws'.

SAYS:    "You should have seen the one that got away".

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Forget it. You wouldn't even get past the gate lodge. Probably somewhere in Dalkey.

ACCESSORIES:   Chauffeur driven car with bumper sticker reading "All my other cars are Porsches too, eat your heart out.  Enormous cigar.  Enormous self confidence.  Enormous bank balance.  Enormous wife, Supermodel mistress

HOBBIES:   Taking the bread out of the mouth of the unfortunate working man.  Holding the country to ransom.  Money laundering.  Insider trading.  Trying to figure a way to take wealth with him (where it would only melt anyway).    Giving presents to Government Ministers.

SAYS:    "When I started out all I had was the shirt on my back and the million the boss left to his daughter". ;  "Kids today have it easy. Take my daughter. She's notions of being an artist. There were traes in her eyes when as I threw her into the street. Someday she'll thank me for it".

HEROES:   C. J. Haughey,   Citezen Kane.

FAVOURITE TV SHOW:   The Twilight Rezone.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Bedroom (painted black) in family home, or college bar.

EATS:   Anything.

DRINKS:   Anything.

GETS UP:   Only after being called for the fifteenth time.

ACCESSORIES:   Naff celtic new-age blue tattoo on forearm.   Pierced eyebrow.   Stud in tongue,.  Ring in lip.  Other ring in **** (Family viewing page!).  European soiled clothes mountain  Scowling gum chewing friend.  Abandoned keep fit equipment.   Abandoned musical instruments

HOBBIES:   Narcissism.  Truculence.  Being misunderstood.  Violent mood swings.  Agnosticism(not going to mass).   Treating home like hotel.   Treating mother like skivvy.   Treating father like cash dispencing machine.   Treating acne with vast range on naff products.   Sitting up all night discussing the meaning of life.   Failing to discover the meaning of life.   Sitting up all night discussing sex.   Failing to have it.   Sitting up all night cramming year's work into four hours.   Failing.   Sitting up all night drowing sorrows.   Discovering the meaning of blinding hangover.

SAYS:    "Ehh . . . yeah . . cool".

HEROES:   No more any more.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   The pond in St Stephens Green.

ACCESSORIES:   Metal identity tag on leg.  Down.

THINKS:    "Oh God, here she comes, that aul wan with the stale rolls. Me beak was bent outa shape last time I pecked one of those" ;  "Thanks be to God the hot spell is over. The carry on of that office crowd you get here of a lunch time would make a stone image blush for shams. You wouldn't know where to look. The ducklings don't be long about finding out about the humans and the bees these days if you get me meaning".

HEROES:   Daffy,   Donald  Daithi Lacha,   Drake.

VILLAINS:   Your dog,   The inventor of orange sauce  Chinese restaurants.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Comic Shops.   Star Trek conventions.   Their rooms

ACCESSORIES:   Anorak.  Bottle end glasses.   Baseball cap worn forwards.   Wrong haircut.   Wrong trainers.  Radio that looks like a hamburger.  Scooter (with "L" plate)

HOBBIES:    Blinking ;  Blushing.   Collecting Stamps.   Collecting beermats.  Collecting phone cards.   Collecting Dole.   Surfing Internet.   Failing Internet personality test. Unsuccessfully attempting to join MENSA.   Portable chess.   Knocking over stack of cans in supermarket.   Knocking over pile of books in book shop.   Knocking over driving instructor with scooter.   Buying aphrodisiac body spray that does not work.   Failing to pluck up courage to call phone sex line.

WATCHES:   Own video taped complete collection of 'The Twilight Zone',    'Prisoner',   'The Fugitive',   'Baywatch'.

HEROES:   Chuck Norris,   Bruce Lee.   Mad Max,   Posh Spice.  Mr Spock.  Judge Dredd.  The Mammy.

SAYS:   Godzilla? Cool or what?,    Armageddon Cool or what?,    The X-Files? Cool or what?.    The O'Byrne Files? Cool or what?,

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   The heart of the Hibernian Metropolis

ACCESSORIES:   Bicycle clips.  Repair kit.   Dynamo to reduce speed in half.   Wicker basket strapped to carrier.

HOBBIES:    Locking bike to lampost, returning to find that the front wheel has been run over by a truck. ;  Squeezing inner tube in bucket of water to locate unrepairable puncture.   Wrecking a number of forks as levers to remove and replace tyre.   Getting hands filthy replacing chain which fell off in puncture repair operation.  Losing ball bearings.   Losing patience.   Locking bike to railings with heavy chain, returning to find wheels gone.   Locking wheels to railings with several chains, returning to find frame gone. Locking bike with armory of anti-theft gadgets including burglat proof combination lock. Forgetting combination and having to walk home in the rain.   Catching fingers in rat-trap like rear carrier.   Catching emphysema from traffic fumes.   Catching bottom of white trousers in chain.   Discovering in the dark that the lights do not work.   Resolving to buy a car.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   All over the place.

ACCESSORIES:   Cold Nose.  Fleas.   Fur coat with plastic collar.

HOBBIES:    Knowing every word you say ;  Being almost human.   Being just like one of the family (which one never is specified).   Worrying about the absence of sheep to worry.  Howling at the moon.   Chasing cars.   Chasing cat.   Chasing postman.   Chasing own tail.   Running out in front of car causing driver to either crash or have a heart attack.   Shredding carpet.   Interring bone in neighbour's flower bed.   Begging.   Bringing owner newspaper and slippers, then bringing owner to nervous breakdown by refuding to do any tricks for guests.   Molesting visitors leg.   Falling asleep to form death trap on floor.   Being nothing but a hound dog.   Not being any friend of mine.

HEROES:   Bozo,   Lassie.   The man who invented lamp-posts,   Rin Tin Tin.

PHILOSOPHY:   Life's a series of bitches and bones, then you die

Back to the top   

BORN:   Dublin, Arizona.   Dublin, Texas.   Dublin Illinois, etc. etc.

HABITAT:   Grafton Street.   Temple Bar.   Trininty College, and so on

ACCESSORIES:   Ludicrous shirt.  Bermuda shorts.   Risible hair do.   Paunch.   Enormously complex and amazingly expensive camera.  Enormously complex and amazingly expensive wife.  Enormously non-expensive off-spring with enormously expensive complexes

HOBBIES:    Seeking roots ;   Guessing he has some Irish in blood some way back.   Expressing amazement at presence of McDonalds, Budweiser, Time magazine and other essentials of civilisation in sleepy backwater like Dublin.  Describing personal life at top of voice to startled strangers in pub.   Drinking Guinness before it settles.   Overtipping.   Looking at Book of Kells and wondering what the heck is a Kell. Snoring through play at Abbey.   Marvelling at unarmed police, hospitality of the Irish, and the famed wit of the Dubs ('get up te yard ye humpty c***').   Enjoining everyone to have a nice day.   Keeping world safe for democracy.

HEROES:   Patton,   Parton.   Clinton,   Lewinsky.  Belushi.  Butthead.  Al Bundy.

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Bus queue howling for bus.   Supermarket howling for sweets.   On four hour journey howling 'are we there yey?, are we there yet?

ACCESSORIES:   Imaginary friend.  High chair for spitting half chewed food from.   Broken squeaker.   Mr. Blanket, (best not described).   Parents on the edge of a nervous breakdown

HOBBIES:    Eating solids (coal, dog buscuits, soap etc,) ;  Refusing to eat delicious liver, spinach, treacle, despite poor children everywhere are starving.   Licking chocolate off buscuits.   Licking paint off toys.  Dressing up.   Refusing to get dressed.   Mastery of complex video recorder.   Mastery of home computer.   Preferring box to educational toy that came in it.   Art (drawing on walls).   Just waiting 'till father gets home, that's all.

THINKS:   A few piercing screams should rattle Dad's hangover really good,    A few dribbles of chewed up crisps down the shirt should make it look better,   'Its fun to drink Coke and let it bubble back down my nose',   'Parents love to be woken at 5 AM with a friendly jump up on to the bed'.

SAYS:   'Mummy, wow, I'm a big kid now'  'Mummy, look, I'm on top of the world'

Back to the top   

HOBBIES:   Early rising.  Cold baths.   High fiber diet.   Chewing garlic to sweeten breath.   Chewing parsley to counteract garlic.  Herbalism.  Hydrotherapy,  Hypnotherapy,  Hypnothertherapy,  Alliteration,  Jogging,  Cycling,  Recycling,  
Acupuncture,  Yoga.

EATS & DRINKS:    Pruns and carrot fritters ;   Bran & bean burgers.   Yak yoghurt.  Nut sausages.   Kentuckey Fried Chick Peas.   Sun dried tomato ketchup.   Brown rice pudding.   Tofu apples.   Milkless tea, after first checking whether the surface vibrates in tune with biorhythm (Earl Grey Whistle Test).

SAYS:   (As you emerge from the supermarket)  'That's not steak I see?   Have you not heard of Cruezfield Jacobs disease?   And eggs too?  What with e-cola sweeping the country.   Them fish are no good either.  The Irish Sea' just like Hiroshima after the bomb!   You'll see yourself in the dark if you eat that!

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Edge of neighbour's fish pond.  Roof of neighbour's car.   Neighbour's birdtable.   Neighbour's flowerbed.   Outside neighbour's window at night.  In neighbour's waste bin.   In your best chair.

ACCESSORIES:    Eyes    Paws.  Claws.  Meow.   Fleas.   Flea collar.   Furr.   Whiskers.   Dead fish breath.   Basket   Flap.

HOBBIES:   Sitting on mat  Deciding which way to jump.   Jumping up.   Jumping down.  Knocking things over.   Chasing tail.  Paying off nine insurance policies.   Purring over spilt milk.  Getting the cream.  Being cool, hip, honkey, etc..  Sleeping on best chair.  Sharpening claws on best chair.  Shredding best chair.  Being de-clawed.  Eating dog's dinner.  Eating mouse.  Eating smoked salmon prepared for cocktail party.  Throwing up on best chair.  Throwing self on toy mouse to impress visitors.  Climbing tree to sulk.  Getting stuck in tree.  Emitting ear splitting cries at 4 am.  Being taken mewing, scratching and flinging self around carrier as if insane to vet on a bus.  Being spayed.  Inheriting fortune (if owner is a rich lady of a certain age).  Going to sleep.

HEROES:   Big Tom    The Celtic Tiger.  Mr Pussy.  The cat that eats all the catfood on TV adds.   The inventor of the best chair.

Back to the top   

BORN:   100 years old, of course (pay attention them there at the back!).

HOBBIES:   Twinkling. Inimitability. Being 100 years young. Anecdotage. Attributing great age to (a) Avoiding salt; (b) A feed of rashers every morning;   (c) Total abstinence;   (d) A ball of malt every half hour   (e) Not smoking;   (f) Eighty non filter a day an' it never done him bit of harm.   He seen down three doctors that told him to give them up;   (g) Honest toil;   (h) Total indolence.   Looking for own name in obituaries.   Losing hair, Steradent, spectacles, pension book, bus pass, hearing aid, slippers, zimmer frame, toupee, mind etc.etc.   Group sex (if he can find another person).   Watch winding.   String saving.   Going around switching fights off.   Writing snorters to paper rubbish that passes for entertainment wireless nowadays.   Sticking in the mud.   Old age travelling.   Drinking Sanatogen, alcopops. Asking strangers how old they think he is.   Belief that things have gone to dogs since his time - "Show me the building that's, lasted as long as an old one -_things a lot more like they were then than they are now.   I can remember when tricycles only had three wheels'' Giving the dog a bone.   Coming rolling home.   Wearing the bottoms of trousers rolled.   Raging against the dying of the light.   Gnashing denture's and telling family that they'll be sorry when he's gone. (cause he's altering his will.)

HEROES:   Abe Simpson.   Alf Ga nett.   Clive Dunne.   George Burns.   Dev. 'Victor Meldrew.   Kingsley Amis.   The Pope (If only he wasn't such a woolly liberal.)   Richard Ingram (The young whipper snapper.) The inventor of Viagra ("Just because- there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's no fire in the living room!)

CATCHPHRASE:   "I'll see yez all down yet"!

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Planet Hollywood.

HOBBIES:   Attending premieres where he shouts "Yo Neil" and Michael my man " at Neil Jordan and Michael Dwyer, neither of whom have the faintest idea who he is.   Standing for hours in front of' bathroom mirror saying "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? cause I don't see anyone else here." while rest of family bangs vainly on door.   Posing for photo with arm around bronze commissionaire at Screen in D'Olier St.   Spending years on unintelligible screenplay.   Referring to the famous by first names, i.e. 'Bob' (de Niro).   'Ollie' (Reed), 'Johnny' (Gielgud) etc. etc.

ACCESSORIES:   Shorts.   Raybans.   Fake L.A. accent.   Mobile phone.   Director's chair.   Signed picture of Norman Wisdom in "'es at is again Sarge".   Pile of dog eared copies of Empire and Premiere magazines.   Equity membership. (2,397th man in crowd, Michael Collins.)

HEROES:   Barry Norman. Dave Fanning. Jim Sheridan, Gerry Stembridge. Jerry Lewis.

SAYS:   "You gotta see this (Brandishing grubby video) It's a bootleg of the outtakes of the director's cut of Russ Myers' "Supervixens meet Little Women," with a cameo by Jack Nicholson as Jo.   Leonard Nimoy. has a scene where he sings-I want a genie in a magic bikini - with Dion and the Belmonts that's actually overdubbed by Vincent Price and The Three Stooges.   It's on Beta but I've bought a system specially to watch it.   And how about this for a second feature?   Scorsese's little seen final student project - "Mutt and Jeff go to Mars" - with Laurence Olivier as King Jeremy. A must see if you're into Noir. Etc. etc.

CATCHPHRASE:   "Cut to the chase"!

DON'T:   look now, here he comes!

DO:   be afraid. Be very afraid!

Back to the top   

HABITAT:   Own stool in local.

HOBBIES:   Waking in bed with shoes still on.   Swaying.   Clutching brow.   Groaning.   Cutting self shaving.   Abandoning attempt to shave.   Brushing teeth with pile ointment.   Staggering to early opener for cure.   Running slate.   Telling life story to unriveted barmen.   Slurring.   Telling unriveted companion same joke seven times.   Attempting to flirt with unriveted barmaid  . Reading two day old tabloid from cover to cover.   Becoming expert on daytime TV.   Gazing into glass, as though it were a mile deep.   Sighing.   Burning holes in coat with cigarettes.   Ordering sandwich.   Eating sodden barmat by mistake and not noticing difference.   Catching last bus and waking up in garage.   Finally falling in door of house starving.   Finding old pizza.   Attempting to play it on stereo.

ACCESSORIES:   Beer belly.   Cigarettes.   Bloodshot eyes.   Stout-scented coat.   Sweating, tingling palms.   Air of nameless anxiety.   Coated tongue.

HEROES:   W.C. Fields, Kingsley Amis, Scott Fitzgerald, Jeff Barnard, Keith Moon, Oliver Reed, Father Jack, Shane MacGowan.

SAYS:   "Do I seem drunk to you? Because zha amazin' thing ! ih zha no matter how much I drink I never show it. Ishn' zht am azin'?' Y'know you're a lovely woman. Zha mind me shayin'? I like your tights. Zha know how many drinks I'm after havin' today? Eighteen pints. Shee zha hand? Steady ash a rock. Nobody can drink like me becaush" . . . (falls off stool spilling table of drinks.)

CATCHPHRASE:   ":(Sung) 'if I ca' make, it zhere I'll make it annywhere HIC Shup t'you NEEW YORK NEEW YORK What are you lookin' at, you ****"!

Back to the top   

ACCESSORIES:   Rumpled David Byrnesque suit worn over tee shirt, mobile in belt, Little wire rimmed glasses with coloured lenses, Big earring, Mountain bike, Wine rack South Park mouse mat.   Red sports car on tick, Laptop on lap, Designer girlfriend on Prozac.

HOBBIES:   Prioritising.    Networking.    Contextualizing.   Going for it.   Power breakfasting.    Window creation.   Design lunch   Dosing ulcer Chilling out.   Getting lateral Talking a great game Putting things on hold. Worst case scenario avoidance Damage limitation. Running it up the flagpole to see if anybody salutes. Giving good meeting, Working all the hours God sends.    Developing campaign for FMCG (Fast Moving Consumer Goods) client fuelled by industrial quantities of marching powder of Old Bolivia, case of Bud and case of Miller, Developing case of CRAFT (Can't Remember a F***in' Thing).   Developing unsaleable screenplay.   Earning astronomical salary. Why? Because he's not worth it.

HEROES:   : Mr Kipling,   Mr Proper,   Mr Sheen,   Captain Birdseye.   Man from Del Monte

SAYS:   "Hi. How'd it go? Client went for it big time? Client had an orgasm? NOT? Client bombed it? No problemo, I've had a notion, yeah' I figure with the right people on board it has the legs to 90 into development as an idea for a potential scheme. if we run with this we could be talking concept here Anyhow cut to the chase, what're the parameters here time frame wise sort of thing? Yesterday? Yeah, I can live with that.   Get back to you. Done deal.   Ciao, (Panics, calls freelance in to bail him out. Takes two Valiant)

CATCHPHRASE:   ":Hi! What's new and improved?   Ha ha!

Back to the top   

Go back to the O'Byrne Files © - My Dublin page

Go look at O'Byrne Files © - My Humour page

Go to the O'Byrne Files © - Homepage

Thank you for visiting

Go back to the O'Byrne Files

Go to the Top of the Page

Copyright © 1999 N. O'Byrne