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SIGNS
YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN WAY TOO LONG...
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You
say "I'm grand" all the time.
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You
drink Guinness as if it's a sixth food group.
-
You
disagreed with 2. - You
believe Guinness is the FIRST food group.
-
You're
pale and white... yet compared with others your suntan
looks good.
-
You
say "Are yez grand ?" all the time.
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You
say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
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You
say "That'd be grand" all the time.
-
You
can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh, Siobhan, Aoife,
Fiachra and Kinsella.
-
You've
stopped bothering to ask how much things cost but ask "How long
will it take?"
-
Two-thirds
of the people you know are from the States or Bangalore.
-
American tourists no longer annoy you
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You see a member of Westlife on Grafton Street and find it hard
to get excited about it.
-
Somebody speaks to you on the DART and you freak out thinking
they are a stalker.
-
When you meet someone on Tuesday afternoon you tell them you
haven't been out in ages then remember that you were chatting to
that same person last night in the Mulligans
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You have no idea where Ballydehob is.
-
The countryside makes you nervous.
-
You
take five hours to get home of a Saturday night and think
nothing of it.
-
You
take three hours commuting to work each day and think nothing of it.
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You
make 60k a year, yet you still can't find somewhere to live.
-
You
make 60k a year, and you still can't find somewhere to park either.
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You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 4 euro for a pint.
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You can't remember the last time you got up to 30mph in you car
in 'towen'
-
Go
"into towen" on weekends but don't live there because you
like your car.
-
You
don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat,
bread or potatoes.
-
You
say "Yer man" all the time.
-
You
say "Yer woman" all the time.
-
Call
your mother "aul one" and your father "aul lad"
-
You
say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all
the
time.
-
You
find yourself still living with the family and having dinners
cooked for you by someone's mammy - at the age of 30.
-
You
talk about "dinners" and "mammys".
-
Diamond jumpers and Scanda Jacket essential part of wardrobe.
These compliments the tracksuits down to a tee.
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Know the Macari's or Borzza Takeaway menus off by heart.
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Anyone not from Dublin is a 'wanker'
-
Anyone from north of the Liffey is a 'Northside wanker'
-
You spend your time from June to October is collecting for
bon-fire.
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The only girls you know are all called Natalie, Jasinteh, Janet,
Imeldeh, Maggie, Sharon or Tracey.
-
The only men you know are called Anto, Doyler, Rayo, Whacker, Git
or Mousey.
-
Nearest thing to nature you have been is swimming or fishing in
Canal or swearing at culchies when they come up "from the
fuckin country".
Signs You've Been
Working In Dublin under the Celtic Tiger Waaaaaay Too Long...
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You email your colleague
at the desk beside you to ask: "Fancy going out for lunch?" And
he/she emails back: "Yeah, gimme five minutes".
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It's dark when you drive
to and from work, even in the so-called summer.
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Your swipecards for
getting through doors now outnumber your credit cards.
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Being sick is defined as
being unable to walk - or being in hospital.
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Your idea of "being
organised" is multicoloured Post-its.
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You've either sat at
five different desks this week, or you've been at the same desk for
four years and worked for three different companies.
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You get dead excited
about a 1.2 per cent wage rise.
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Your biggest loss from a
computer crash is your jokes collection
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You're already late on
the assignment you've just got.
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Your Ma describes your
job as "...works with computers".
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You only have make-up
for fluorescent lighting.
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Your employer has
redefined you as "a semi-permanent independent contractor".
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Every week another
collection envelope comes around, cos someone you didn't know had
started is now leaving.
-
You wonder who's going
to be left to put money into your own 'leaving' envelope.
Signs that the
Celtic Tiger is being tamed in Dublin
Signs that you have a
boring job in Dublin
-
You can work with over 20
windows open on your PC - but only one of them is to do with work (and
over five of them are to do with www.p45.net).
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You've now visited every
website in Ireland.
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You were the only one ready
for the rush of ticket sales for that second U2 gig.
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RTE want to hire you
for your in-depth knowledge of Breaking News.
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You can now pull staples
out of A4 paper - with your teeth.
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The image of
http://www.p45rant.com/index.html is now burned into your monitor.
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In your 10 years as a Garda
on traffic duty you've never had to write one single speeding ticket.
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You've seen that late-night
programme "Web Review" on ITV.
-
Your GP says that he's
never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his
life.
Only
in Dublin . . .
- Only
in Dublin - can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only
in Dublin - are there handicap parking places in front of a golf
club-house.
- Only
in Dublin - do pharmacists make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front of any shop.
- Only
in Dublin - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
diet coke.
- Only
in Dublin - do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the counters.
- Only
in Dublin - do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds (euros if you
like) in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- Only
in Dublin - do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk
to in the first place.
- Only
in Dublin - do we buy hamburgers in packages of four and buns in
packages of six.
- Only
in Dublin - do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures.'
- Only
in Dublin - do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
- Only
in Dublin - are the least useful professions (politicians, TV
personalities & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much
compared to people with normal jobs.
The Announcements
We'd Really Like To Hear At Heuston (Railway)
Station in Dublin:
- "The train approaching Platform 3 is on
schedule."
- "Due to overcrowding on the train to
Kilkenny, extra carriages are being added. We apologise for the
delay."
- "The new high-speed TGV link to Paris is
leaving in 15 minutes."
- "We would like to announce that all small
obnoxious children on the Cork train will be sedated."
- "Would Thomas the Tank Engine please come to
the Diary Room, thank you."
- [Putting on Ringo Starr voice] "Choo-choo
went Thomas as he went through the tunnel... The fat controller would
like to apologise for the late departure of the Galway train."
- "It's my turn to do it! No, my turn. Gimme
that f***ing tannoy mike, or I'll nut ye!"
- "Pueden todos los estudiantes espanoles
conseguir por favor del piso?" (Could all Spanish students please get
up off the floor?)
- "The direct non-mobile phone service from
Dublin to Cork, is now departing from platform number 2."
- "Heuston we have a problem..."
- Yep, we're getting there, but we're not
there yet!
Did you know?
- "Jack" or "Jackeen" is a
disparaging name for Dubliners, based on the waving of Union Jacks
during a visit of Queen Victoria to Dublin in the eighteenth centaury.
For other 'Dublin Facts' try here!
- To predict the
weather in Dublin: If you can see the Dublin Mountains, it's going to
rain. If not, it already is.
- In 1759, Arthur Guinness
took over a small brewery on the then outskirts of Dublin. After
signing a 9,000-year lease at an annual rent of 45 quid, Guinness
started brewing ales and a relatively new beer called porter, so named
because of its popularity among the porters of Covent Garden in
London. Apparently.
- In a properly poured pint of Guinness, there
are bubbles that work their way down the glass instead of up.
Scientists at the University of New South Wales in Australia recently
did some computer-simulated fluid dynamics research and found that the
largest bubbles are in the centre - where they are hidden - and do
rise. Only the smaller bubbles at the edges are pushed to the bottom
of the glass by theose larger ones!
DUBLINERS' PRAYER
AT BEDTIME
We believe in one drink, Guinness the almighty
Makers of cans and bottles
Of all that is drunk and un-drunk
We believe in one brewer, Arthur
The only son of Guinness
Eternally begotten of the hops
Hops from hops, barley from barley
True drink from true drink
Begotten not made
Of one distillery of the Father
Through it all things were made
For us men and our salvation
It comes down from St. James Gate
By the power of the market he became incarnate
And was made a rich man
For our sake we are crucified under Pontius Prices
Bad pints, suffer hangovers and A.A. meetings
On the next day we rise again in accordance
With our scruples and ascend into oblivion
We come again to judge the living and the dead
We believe in one alcoholic beverage
Brewed and bottled under one licence
We acknowledge one Arthur, son of the almighty pint
Conceived in heaven and sold on earth
Blessed is the one drink through one father and many sons
Sold under one label and distributed throughout the world
We look for the resurrection of new drinks
And a cure for hangovers.
Amen
BEER WARNING
Gardaí warn all
clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay
cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date-rape drug on
the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting
men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available
almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex
with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a
few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached
sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several
"beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on
horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as
"a relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam
after "beer" is administered and sex if offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you
know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
Sad news about beer.
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but
the evidence seems irrefutable.
Yesterday, scientists for the Irish Department
of Health suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take
a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer
within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over
nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when
wrong.
or
The
Evils of Drink
A
chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 12 year old students a lesson
about the evils of dink, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of Guinness and two worms. "Now, class. Observe
the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the
water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. The second worm, he put into the Guinness. It writhed
painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now,
what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Sean,
who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink Guinness and you won't get worms."
Due to increasing products liability
litigation, Irish beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear
better looking than they actually are. (not to mention the lighting
wonders for their looks)
WARNING: consumption of alcohol in females may cause extreme bloating in
a 9 month period. (oops)
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you
can't remember
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.
Because of the ever rising
"compo culture", in Dublin some well-known nursery rhymes have Dublin
versions to reflect this new era...
A:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And got €50,000) a year (50,000
euros) thereafter in quarterly instalments.
B:
Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one
And down he run
Straight to his solicitor to claim stress induced by a noisy and highly
unsafe environment that contravened all the workplace safety laws in the
book.
C:
Itsy Witsy Spider climbed
up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed poor Itsy out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And Itsy settled out of court for €50,000
gain.
There is also the famous case of
Humpty Dumpty. The rhyme gives no suggestion that such a fall
involving multiple fractures and permanent incapacity could be worth
millions if properly litigated. Not only was the wall
manufacturer clearly liable, but the authorities who treated the injured
plaintiff were also culpable. I like to hear someone explain
how 'all the King's horses' qualify as authorised medical practitioners.
The Rose of Tralee rocks. Here's a sneak preview of next year's
final...
THE TALLAGHT ROSE: Laura wore a lovely blue shoulderless number that
nicely showed off her tattoos (on both shoulders). For community service
she gave lessons at the local boxing club. Unfortunately, her talent
(breaking into an 'E'-class Mercedes live, on stage) didn't impress the
judges.
THE BALLSBRIDGE ROSE: Siobhan was looking grand in her slinky euro
2,400 dress (from a designer shop in the Powerscourt Centre), and her
community work of sending 3,000 parcels of "The Body Shop" camomile
massage oil and exfoliating body towels to Ethopia had gone down a
storm. However she resigned in disgrace when it was revealed her daddy
had asked the local TD to intervene in the judging process.
THE BRAY ROSE: Despite being able to touch her tongue to her forehead
and make rolling motions with her belly, Anna didn't make it to the
final - accepting the prize would have meant violating her parole
conditions. We never got to hear her rousing rendition of Garth Brooks's
"Friends in Low Places".
THE LIMERICK ROSE: Was disqualified for stabbing the Leitrim Rose.
THE CONNEMARA ROSE: Brid make a lovely dress out of sea shells and
was ready to sing on stage the dance anthem "Sandstorm" (she had
recently heard it in one of the lovely new bars in Galway city). But she
didn't make it to Tralee because her tractor (laden with bog - might as
well take a load along on the same trip) broke down only halfway along
the N21.
THE RATHMINES ROSE: Kim had it all - charm, sophistication, community
awareness and a stunning voice... but the Rathmines Rose actually turned
out to be a man, and ran off to elope with his escort (they'll be
starting their honeymoon trip with Bingo in The George this Sunday).
THE KNOCKLYON ROSE: Dressed in a tasteful but plain dress with no
special features or noticeable personality, the Knocklyon Rose stood
quietly in the crowd between the Rathfarnham Rose and the Tallaght Rose
while judges tried to find her. After a half hour of searching the
judges gave up and moved on.
THE BALLYFERMOT FOSE: Shardin was a lovely girl, styled in a lovely
white silk dress with matching Nike Swoosh that blended very well with
the Air Max. Wearing a collection of sovereigns, spangly 12" earrings
and sporting the Mr T collection around the neck all outside the dress,
she had the judges all in awe. Shardin let herself down though, being
disqualified for jumping on some poor 14-year-old girl on the way in
with her 12 mates and claiming it was a fair fight.
THE CLONTARF ROSE: Elizabeth refused to go, as daddy got last
summer's style Hilfiger Dress after she had maxed out all nine of her
Access, Dinners Club, Visa and American Express cards.
THE CLONDALKIN ROSE: Susan never made it as she mugged the bus driver
and was subsequently arrested.
Perspectives:
* Earth to Mars: Approx 77 Million km
* Nasa Spirit Cost: Approx 321 million
* Launched: 10-06-2003
* Landed: Jan 2004
* Status: Working
Luas:
* Length of first two lines: Approx 25 km
* Luas cost so far: Approx. 675 million
* Construction of Line A commenced in: September 1999.
* Status: Not working yet
If
you are interested in the weather in Dublin, well here it is!
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