The O'Byrne Files ©

	The O'Byrne files on Ireland
	This page isn't supposed to be tourism promotion, but . . . Ireland - its a nice country, (perhaps with the exception of Kerry) especially for it's people. I wouldn't live elsewhere!
	A useful Guide to our national sport Hurling for Dummies (courtesy of my friends from Wasting time @ Work		An essential guide for the first time traveller
	A JOKE THAT'S ALL IN THE TELLING A couple driving a large vehicle were stopped for speeding in the gaeltacht. "Cad is ainm duit?" said the garda. "Sean," the man replied. "Agus do bheann?" "Toyota Hiace."			Here I have a warning from an experience of Hillwalking in Kerry. Do not assume that it will be trouble free, or that you will get help if you have trouble.
	You can here the Irish National Anthem here Here we have a collection of Irish Sayings and Expressions			(A quick note for overseas readers who might not understand the Irish too well: 1. "A Garda" is one Irish police officer 2. "Gardai" are two or more officers. 3. "The Garda" is three or more officers (i.e. the police force in general) 4. "The guards" is the Irish equivalent of, um, "the fuzz")
	Irish Links A good start is Ireland on the Internet From my favourite part of Ireland West Cork! Closer to home - where I go hillwalking. Wicklow If you are of a suspicious mind about what's happening in Ireland, there's The Blather and as if that's not enough try Wasting Time @ Work Do you really want your P45? seriously, I appreciate much of the work of the OPW Take a look! In Ireland the weather is everywhere Irish Weather Interested in Hillwalking in Ireland? All the Hillwalking info youl need is here! A not so well known part of Ireland Leitrim - Roscommon Carrick-on-Shannon A Virtual Tour We have alot of weather Another weather site Interested in Mayo ? A general Guide A virtual guide to Ireland An Ireland specific Search Engine from down under Search Ireland A good newspaper in Ireland is useful The Irish Times Interested in Galway ? Images of Ireland Pictures from Ireland Visual Arts in Ireland Gallery Ireland Irish broadcasting might be of interest RTE Interested in The rest of Ireland ? Fad Oh Fad Oh ...History ?? Our Past! National Archives Book Titles you are unlikely to find in Ireland "Cricket At Croke Park: A Feasibility Study" "First Take One Reindeer - The Arctic Circle Cookbook" "The Use of Multiple Personalities on the Internet by Captain Picard" "Learn to Sing Opera In One Night " "Why I Bought A Light Sabre And Decided To Live The Jedi Life" "101 Things To Do With Slurry" "Underground Shopping: Bargain Hunting While In The Garda Witness Protection Programme" "Wellies are So Yesterday (A Guide for The Fashion Police of County Cavan)" "Why I Could Never Go Back To That Hole Called Limerick" "Civil Disobedience With Tractors And Other Essays"			The Essential List Of Useful Phrases that the Irish learn in a Foreign Language Apart from "I am Irish" of course... "I am not American." "I am from Kerry." "Don't hurt me, I'm from Cavan." "Where might I find a woman of loose morals and damn generous spirit?" "What kind of animal is this?" "Where can one purchase some penicillin?" "Where's the loo?" "Do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy..." "I have euros." "Give us a pint there, young man." "Don't touch me there" "If it wasn't for us, ye'd be speaking German right now. OK, thanks to us, ye all speak German, and you'll be in the EU in next to no time." "Help. I have fallen down a deep well." (For Americans): "Where's McDonald's?" "Do not unhitch the horses; the innkeeper has been struck by lightning." "Please don't kill me, my money is in my left shoe." "How do ye land this plane?" "So how much would it cost me, for you to just 'look the other way'?" "No, I do not want to have your children." "Please to help me with my rucksack?" "Don't shoot, I'm a journalist from Newstalk 106FM" "It looks like chicken, it tastes like chicken, but...!!!" "Back off you foolish infidel, I know Karate!" "It wasn't me - it was him." "Run for the exit!"
	I get asked lots of questions at O'Byrne Files HQ. But the most Frequently Asked Question of all is: "Will you ever buy me a drink?" No, sorry, hold on, apart from that I'm always being asked is for a typical Irish expression to say to a girl that you love her. You know the kinda thing, How do you follow "Howrya" And here are the top 10 ones that didn't get past my ever-vigilant Quality Control assessment: Want a cod an' chips? Would ye like to be buried wid my people? I'd eat mushy peas outta your knickers Nice wellies, fancy a quickie? Are you me cousin? I've tickets to de World Cup I love you and I want you to have me babies Ever have your belly button licked? From de inside? Ya don't sweat much for a fat bird Get your coat, ye've been pulled! I suppose a ride is out of the question? Would ye like a lift home on the handlebars? The Rose of Tralee rocks. Here's a sneak preview of next year's final... THE TALLAGHT ROSE: Laura wore a lovely blue shoulder-less number that nicely showed off her tattoos (on both shoulders). For community service she gave lessons at the local boxing club. Unfortunately, her talent (breaking into an 'E'-class Mercedes live, on stage) didn't impress the judges. THE BALLSBRIDGE ROSE: Siobhan was looking grand in her slinky euro 2,400 dress (from a designer shop in the Powerscourt Centre), and her community work of sending 3,000 parcels of "The Body Shop" camomile massage oil and exfoliating body towels to Ethiopia had gone down a storm. However she resigned in disgrace when it was revealed her daddy had asked the local TD to intervene in the judging process. THE BRAY ROSE: Despite being able to touch her tongue to her forehead and make rolling motions with her belly, Anna didn't make it to the final - accepting the prize would have meant violating her parole conditions. We never got to hear her rousing rendition of Garth Brooks's "Friends in Low Places". THE LIMERICK ROSE: Was disqualified for stabbing the Leitrim Rose. THE CONNEMARA ROSE: Bríd make a lovely dress out of sea shells and was ready to sing on stage the dance anthem "Sandstorm" (she had recently heard it in one of the lovely new bars in Galway city). But she didn't make it to Tralee because her tractor (laden with bog - might as well take a load along on the same trip) broke down only halfway along the N21. THE RATHMINES ROSE: Kim had it all - charm, sophistication, community awareness and a stunning voice... but the Rathmines Rose actually turned out to be a man, and ran off to elope with his escort (they'll be starting their honeymoon trip with Bingo in The George this Sunday). THE KNOCKLYON ROSE: Dressed in a tasteful but plain dress with no special features or noticeable personality, the Knocklyon Rose stood quietly in the crowd between the Rathfarnham Rose and the Tallaght Rose while judges tried to find her. After a half hour of searching the judges gave up and moved on. THE BALLYFERMOT FOSE: Shardin was a lovely girl, styled in a lovely white silk dress with matching Nike Swoosh that blended very well with the Air Max. Wearing a collection of sovereigns, spangly 12" earrings and sporting the Mr T collection around the neck all outside the dress, she had the judges all in awe. Shardin let herself down though, being disqualified for jumping on some poor 14-year-old girl on the way in with her 12 mates and claiming it was a fair fight. THE CLONTARF ROSE: Elizabeth refused to go, as daddy got last summer's style Hilfiger Dress after she had maxed out all nine of her Access, Dinners Club, Visa and American Express cards. THE CLONDALKIN ROSE: Susan never made it as she mugged the bus driver and was subsequently arrested. The Oath Of Allegiance To The Irish State (operative since 1937) clear throat I [insert your name here] hereby swear my allegiance to the Irish nation, to God and I promise to begrudge those who succeed, sneer at those who struggle, and strip off at the first sign of sun. I shall mock any of my fellow countrymen who have the sheer unmitigated audacity to go abroad and make some money or achieve even a sliver of success. I promise always to have a poor mouth no matter how much money I have stashed away, and will always have a stone bag of potatoes in the garage/utility room. I will admit to knowing nothing at all times, even though, by my Irish powers of deduction, I often know more than I have been told. I will know everyone else's business but keep my own closely guarded. And whatever you say, say nothing. I will wear green on St Patrick's Day and will go to Dublin on December 8th to do the Christmas shopping, stopping off at Wynne's Hotel for a big pot o' tae and a rake of hang sangwidges. I promise to uphold and defend the three great icons of our great Irish State, namely: milky Lyons tea, Burdocks chipper, and Stout (Guinness, not that stuff from Cork). I also promise never to reveal the following state secrets on pain of death : * The secret of how the figs get in the figrolls; * The real identity of the blokes who played Zig and Zag; * The secret of the brown envelope. I do hereby solemnly swear to uphold the great traditions of the Irish people, in all my actions, deeds and thoughts. Namely, I shall be a narrow-minded begrudging bigot in the face of simple facts; I shall lie, cheat, steal, scam and cute-hoor my way through every business transaction that I ever conduct; I shall have memory lapses the size of a black hole when presented before any member of the judiciary. I shall demand the right to be treated like a king in any country that I visit, and rain down a dictionary of curses on any foreigner stupid enough to stand in my way whilst in Ireland. I shall drive my car at breakneck speed through a one-donkey boreen after skulling my own body-weight in alcohol and then complain that it's the state's fault for curtailing drinking laws when I get nicked. I shall, like a brain-dead, bovine f*king automaton without the basic ability to concentrate on anything more complex than Fair City, vote for the craven scumfcks in Fianna Fail; I shall do so fully knowing the history of Liam Lawlor, Charles Haughey and myriad other criminal bstards that populate their ranks. I shall do absolutely everything within my power to see that no social progress of any description whatsoever is made, through a lengthy letter-writing campaign to the Irish Times waffling about the "rare ould fking times". I, a child of Eireann, do swear all of this by the rusted bullets lodged in the walls of the GPO, and witnessed by all who were in the Dandelion Market when U2 played their first gig, and in the full sight of the one true Catholic God who shall smite his northern heathen bstard enemies when his son comes riding into town opening up a can of biblical whoop-ass on their screeching orange asses. Ar anam De etc etc [your name] Ireland may be expensive, but at least while you're here, you get a free trip around the sun once every year			JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures 4. He lived at home until he was 33 5. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was convinced he was God But perhaps the most compelling evidence... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS AN IRISH WOMAN She had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food She kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT Even when She was dead, She had to get up because there was more work for her to do.
				W_a_r_r_a_n_t_y WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED IRISH GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Dear Customer, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Irish Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Irish Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence. 1. Which of our fine products did you buy? __ Minister __ Other TD __ Senator __ County Councillor __ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) 2. How did you hear about your Irish Government Official[tm]? Please tick all that apply __ TV ad __ Magazine / newspaper ad __ Shared cell in "open prison" with __ Former law partner of __ Drinking crony of __ Procured for __ Related to __ Recommended by lobbyist __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories on the Internet __ Solicited bribe from me __ Attempted to seduce me 3. How do you expect to use your Irish Government Official[tm]? (Please tick all that apply.) __ Obtain planning permission __ Obtain broadcasting licence __ Obtain lucrative government contract __ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress / other relative __ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse / mistress / other relative __ Obtain legal pardon for self / associates / spouse / mistress / other relative 4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply) __ Performance of currently owned model __ Reputation __ Price __ Appearance __ Party affiliation __ Professed beliefs of Irish Government Official[tm] __ Actual beliefs of Irish Government Official[tm] __ Orders from boss / superior / foreign government __ Blackmail __ Celebrity endorsement 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Irish Government Official[tm]? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models __ Excessive operating / maintenance costs __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model __ Defect in current model: __ Dead __ Senile __ Subject of Inquiry __ Prosecuted __ Convicted __ Resigned __ Switched parties / beliefs __ Outbribed by competing interest. Thank you for your valuable time. And remember: in choosing an Irish Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy! Aer Lingus's rules of the air The Irish airline has recently issued its 20 essential rules of modern aviation... 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 7. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 8. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 9. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 10. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 11. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 12. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 13. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 14. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 15. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 17. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 18. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 19. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 20. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.


	Lepracaun dance?		My zip file collection of Celtic, Irish and other stuff. (Please let me know of problems) Some Irish stuff for you!
		and a bit of orish to finish . . . . .			There are however Some things just not quite right about the country that really bug me!
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The Rose of Tralee rocks. Here's a sneak preview of next year's final...

W_a_r_r_a_n_t_y

The Rose of Tralee rocks.
Here's a sneak preview of next year's final...