SYMPTOM:   Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT:          It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:        Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM:   Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT:          Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:        See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM:   Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:          Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:        Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:   Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:          Improper bladder control.
ACTION:        Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM:   Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:          Glass empty.
ACTION:        Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM:   Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:          You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION:        Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM:   Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT:          You have fallen forward.
ACTION:        See above.

SYMPTOM:   Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:          Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:        Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM:   Floor blurry.
FAULT:          You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:        Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM:   Floor moving.
FAULT:          You are being carried out.
ACTION:        Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM:   Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:          Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION:        Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM:   Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT:          Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:        Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM:   Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:          You are dancing on a table.
ACTION:        Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM:   Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT:          You have been in a fight.
ACTION:        Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM:   Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:          That lager is too weak.
ACTION:        Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:   Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT:          Beer is just right.
ACTION:        Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM:   Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT:          Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION:        Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM:   Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT:          You've been walking into things.
ACTION:        Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM:   Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT:          You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION:        Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM:   Bed is bumping around.
FAULT:          Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION:        It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.