Dublin has two sides

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERTIFICATE

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS ON THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME: __________________________

NICKNAME: ________________________

GANG NAME: _______________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 quid and 90 grammes to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno?s 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacker want to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grammes of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 year for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,1000 quid per month, how much money will be left when he get out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If any average can of spray paint cover 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brothers aramalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

SOUTHSIDE LEAVING CERTIFICATE

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS ON THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME:___________________________________________________________________

_____________ (IF LONGER PLEASE CONTINUE ON SEPARATE SHEET)

SCHOOL: ________________________

DADDY?S COMPANY : _______________________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y. This difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of a car was Julian driving.

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what? 

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

A few copies of the North Dublin version of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Ireland.    If you have one of the North Dublin editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The North Dublin edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads "Windoze 2000" with a background picture of a syringe superimposed on a photograph of the The Anna Livia. It is shipped with the Guinness screen saver.

Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled 'shite'
Dialup Networking is called 'all me mates'
Control Panel is known as 'the fuckin' compu'er settins'
The Hard Drive is referred to as 'big fuck-off disk'
Other Features:
OK = alroi'
Cancel = fuck that
Yes = roight
No = no bleedin' chance boss
Find = go an' get it your fuckin self
Help = I can't fuckin' do it
Start = go on ya good thing
Personal folder = all me shit

Also note that Windoze 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Windoze 2000:
Type ritor = a word processor
Cullarin book = a graphics package
Addin masheen = calculator
Choons = CD player
Dole = accounting software
Bevvy = local off-licences by postcode and price of Guinness
Porno = Microsoft Internet Explorer

And remember... If you can walk and talk, you can go to DIT. If you can use a fork, you can go to DCU. If you are a conceited, arrogant b*stard, you can always go to that snooty business school.

Two Northsiders on their first holiday to Florida are camping in the Everglades and they see an alligator with a guy's head and arms sticking out of its mouth.
Deco turns to Anto and says: "Jaysis Anto, would yez look at that flash b*stard in the Lacoste sleeping bag!"
(and apols to anyone who has either had a member of their family eaten by an alligator or who has recently purchased a Lacoste sleeping bag.)

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