Dublin is a tough city on the face of it. Island life has led to an instinctive wariness of strangers by the average Dub. This can be misinterpreted as aggression. Most of the aggression is ritualistic, so for the safety of the innocent it is essential to learn to know how to deal with street encounters.

If confronted by these characters, you could be in deep shite. The best way out is to pretend you are Danish (you are very lucky if you really are Danish). This should have them baffled for long enough for you to leg it like jayzis to the nearest pub for safety.

Dublin pubs, like American fast-food restaurants are to be found everywhere. Each seeks to create an atmosphere redolent of the city. Only a few succeed.

Drinking has become synonymous with Dublin, with images of debauchery and hangovers requiring hospital care and weeks off work. This is however a myth, perpetuated by a desire to attract tourists, most of whom are known to be alcoholics.  Drinking in Dublin is a very public hobby. It is done in a 'Public House' known as a 'Pub', which is nothing more than an extension of a Dublin home, supporting a wide variety of homely activities like; conversation, eating, drinking, dancing, and even sleeping. It does not exist for the disposal of brain cells. It is a vital Dublin amenity, more important than any library, school or playground. It is the forum for discussions ranging from the earnest, through the incomprehensible, to the trivial. The pub permeates all social activities between birth and death. This is culture, Dublin Culture. To partake in this culture, a few phrases would be useful.

First, some warnings.   Sobriety is regarded in Dublin as a pitiful affliction which can only be remedied by copious quantities on miscellaneous stouts and ales.   Dubliners are also invariably suspicious, especially of foreigners or culchies, and are constantly on the look out for being set up in conversation in the pub.

Conversations in a Dublin pub are always lively, and frequently argumentative.   Dubliners constantly question the veracity of suspicious statements with a contemptuous negation as the following example illustrates

Pub Etiquette

The crucial thing here is the "round" system, or way drinks are bought in pubs.   Each participant takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual; you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may appear only too happy to substitute for you.   But make no mistake, your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed.    People will mention it the moment you leave the room, referring to you as a tight-ass bastard - or worse. The reputation will follow you to the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well.   In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family nickname.

One you have your drink, you can talk about it if nothing else comes to mind.

Late on in the evening you might heat someone shout "last drinks" accompanied by flashing of all the lights in the pub.   This is not to signal the onset of a Dublin nightmare of a drink shortage.   Instead this nightly event signals when you will probably be served more quickly at the bar.

Related to the pub scene

Mystery Bus:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter (someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints) in your bed instead.

Food is relatively unimportant to real Dubliners as it frequently reduces time available for the pub.  There are however some important Dublin food-groups that the visitor must be aware of.

Irish Traditional Music

Many visitors to Ireland make the mistake of thinking of traditional music as mere entertainment. In some parts of Ireland this may even be an accurate impression. However, in certain fundamentalist strongholds such as Clare, traditional music is founded in a strict belief system which has been handed on from generation to generation. This is overseen by bearded holy men, sometimes called "Mullahs", who ensure that the music is played in accordance with laws laid down in the 5th Century. Under this system, "bodhran players" are required to cover their faces in public. Other transgressions, such as attempting to play guitar in a traditional session, are punishable by the loss of one or both hands. A blind eye may be turned to the misbehaviour of foreigners, but it's best not to push it.   As a result a conversation guide on the matter is left to a braver soul!

There are two main kinds of Irish dancing:
(1) Riverdance, about which everyone is talking, which is now simultaneously running in every major city except Ulan Bater and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic boom; and
(2),Real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the adjudicators.   For this reason it is rare that conversation arises

Sport

In contrast to other locations, where it is the taking part in sport is what counts, in Dublin, taking part in conversation about any sport is taken very seriously.   Every move or incident is discussed, and a question you're likely to hear often is "Were ye at the match?"

Dublin has two time zones: (1) Greenwich Mean Time and (2) "Local" time.

Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind GMT, depending on the position of the earth and the whereabouts of whoever has the keys. Again, the Dublin concept of time has been influenced by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can only be measured by reference to another body and can even be affected by factors like conversation. For instance, a policeman entering a licensed premise in Dublin late at night is a good example of another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is fact closing time. When this happens, a short conversation about departing is the advised option. Shockingly, the relativity of time argument is still not accepted as a valid defence in Dublin courts.

Shopping

Religion

Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct answer is:
"I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change the subject.

School (pronounced Skew-elle)

Clarification

"Right"
This is an all-purpose expression of determination or clarification. "Right, is that a gin & tonic for you and a pint for your friend?" or "Right, you'll be coming home with me then?" 

Back to the top   

Go back to the O'Byrne Files © - Guide to Dublin English

Go back to the O'Byrne Files © - My Dublin page

Go look at O'Byrne Files © - My Humour page

Go to the O'Byrne Files © - Homepage