Battle ZoneBattle of the Sexes................
And some battle it is...:)
Men are like.......
Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory
Men are like chocolate bars: Sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight for your hips
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom
Men are like cement: After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard
Men are like snowstorms: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,or how long it will last
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends
Top 10 things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day;
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they can finally do the splits
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.... Before closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without sleeping first.
3. Go to the Gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed a pray for breast too...
And the number one thing men would do if they woke up and had a Vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot..................
Top 10 things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day;
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6.Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a mans eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement .
1. Repeat number 9...................
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
"Women are like horses. But for their men putting halters on them and taking them in the right direction, they will run wild!"
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN.
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you...
What A Guy Really Means.....It's a guy thing.": There is no rational thought pattern connected to it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. But its true.....
"Can I help with dinner?" Means: Why isn't it already on the table? "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take to long to explain." Means: I have no idea how it works. "I'm getting more exercise lately." Means: The batteries in the remote are dead. "We're going to be late." Means: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard." Means: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. "That's interesting dear." Means: Are you still talking? on't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Means: I have a severed limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt. "I do help around the house." Means: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Means: I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon. "I can't find it." Means: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless. "What did I do this time?" Means: What did you catch me doing? "I heard you." Means: I haven't the foggiest idea what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me. "You look terrific." Means: Oh, God! Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving! "I missed you." Means: I can't find my sock drawer and we're out of toilet paper. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are." Means: I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again. "We share the housework." Means: I make the messes, you clean them up. "This relationship is getting too serious." Means: You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck. "I don't need to read the instructions." Means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear One Woman Say to Another Woman ......
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't just look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty goodtime. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... . ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....'' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policyregarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET: WOMAN
Analysis: Element Woman Symbol WO2 Discoverer Adam
Atomic Mass Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45 to 225 kg Occurence Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements found in many others Physical Properties
1 Surface is usually covered in powder or painted film
2 Boils at nothing, freezes for no reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4 Bitter if incorrectly used
5 Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material to commen ore
6 Yields to pressure applied gently toselected points
Chemical Properities
1 Has a great afinity to gold, silver, platinum and most precious stones
2 Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3 May explode spontaneously, without warning for no reason
4 Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water
5 Activity increases with saturation in alcohol
6 Most powerful money reducing agent known to mankind.
Common Uses
1 Highly ornamental
2 Can be a great aid to relaxation Tests
3 Pure specimen turns pink if seen in natural state
4 Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
Differences between good girls and bad girls.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary postition. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'. Bad girls say.......... 'when?'
