A Live view of Dublin City

A guy goes to a urinal to piss. As he starts pissing he looks over at the guy next to him, the guys is 3 feet tall and has a 12inch dick. The guy says damn, yer huge! The midget says, well, I'm a leprachaun. we're all like this. The guy say's do ya think I could get one that big. The leprachaun says sure but you'll have to let me fuck you in the ass first. The Guy thinks well, it'll be sore and uncomfortable for a few days but what the hell a 12 inch dick is worth it. The leprachaun starts fucking him and after about 5 minutes the leprachaun asks how old are you anyway? The guy says 23. The leprachaun says " 23 eh, and you still believe in leprachauns!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn. When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Alabama redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Alabama redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink."Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, a regular comes in and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Paddy and Murphy were walking through their town one day and they were just passing the church when Paddy said, "Hold on dar Murphy, I tink it's about time I went and confessed me sins". So in he went and sat down in the confessional box. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned, I've been wit a women" said Paddy. "Was it the widow O'Riley" said the Priest. "No" said Paddy "Then was it Raffety's daughter then" said the priest "No" said Paddy "Then it must have been Flinn's" said the priest "I'm sorry father" said Paddy "but I can't be telling you who the women was" "Well then my son" said the priest "I can't give you forgiveness" Paddy left the church, and met Murphy outside. "Well, did you get forgiveness" said Murphy "No" said Paddy "but I got three good tips"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

An Irishman walks into a bar with a toad on his head. "What the hell is that?" asks the barman. The toad replies, "I don't know - it started as a wart on my ass and grew."

Patrick, after just moving to Kilburn in North West London, decides to find himself a Local Pub. He eventually finds one he likes and approaches the Bar Man. Patrick, with his thick Irish Accent says; "Three pints O'Guinness...Please!" The barman pours the three pints of guinness. Patrick finds a quiet spot, drinks his three pints and leaves. This trend continues every day for about two weeks when the barman one night suggests that Patrick should buy one pint at a time so that the Guinness is fresher each time. Patrick said; "Sure the reason I buy three at a time is 'cause many years ago my older brother moved to New York and my younger brother moved to Austrilia and I moved here...and we agreed that if we ever went to the Pub we would always have a drink for each other". The barman and the locals thought this was a lovely story and Patrick became popular in the Pub. A couple of weeks later, Patrick turned up in the bar and ordered two pints of Guinness. The barman was shocked and said to Patrick; "God I'm terribly sorry...". Patrick said "Sorry about what?.". The barman said "Well...has one of your brothers died?." Patrick says; "Don't be stupid...I only ordered two 'cause I'm off the beer for Lent."

An old Irish man and his wife owned a pub. The old man drank a lot, and got sick one day. He went to the doctor. The doctor said to him: "lay off the booze for a while. You should be fine". He goes home, he tells his wife, "I, Beagorra! I'll have to stop drinking to get better". After not drinking for about two weeks, he says, "What the hell, I'm going to have a little drink" He drank, he got real drunk and sick. He went to the doctor. The doctor said: "I told you to stop drinking. Now I'm telling you, drink one more drink, you'll shit your guts out". He went home, he told his wife what the Doctor said. After two weeks he was back to himself. Healthy as a young man. He thought, what the hell. A few drinks can't hurt. He got real drunk and sick. His wife helped him up to bed. She was preparing chicken for the dinner they were going to serve at the pub that evening. She thought, I'll fix his ass. While he was out cold, she rolled him on his stomach. She poured all the chicken guts down the back of his trousers. About two hours later. He came down to the kitchen. His wife said, "Paddy!, you look worse than when I brought you to bed". He replied, "Oh Beagorra!, the Doctor was right. I shit me guts out. But, with the grace of god. And the end of my hair brush, I was able to shove them all back in!".

An Irishman is wandering along a beach one day when he sees this bottle lying there with a cork in it. Curious, he picks it up and pulls out the cork KAZZZAAAM!!! a genie appears. "Oh thank you effendi," says the genie. "I have been locked in that bottle for many thousands of years and at last you have freed me. I will grant you three wishes" The Irishman, a bit perplexed at this turn of events sits down and thinks for a bit. "OK, Oid loik an everlasting pint of Guinness." "No problem," says the genie, and in a flash of light a pint of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand. Somewhat cautiously he sips it, finds it's good, and slowly drinks the whole pint, whereupon, to his amazement it fills up again. Well, once again, he sips it then slowly drinks the whole pint, and what do you know - it fills up again. After 7 or 8 pints the genie is starting to get a little impatient. "Well, effendi, what are your last two wishes?" "Oh to be sure," says the Irishman, "Oi'll have two more of dese please!"

The Top 15 St. Patrick's Day Toasts

15 May the roadkill rise up to eat you.

14 May you never be as unhappy as a Catholic in Belfast.

13 Hey! You! Wake up and drink this!!

12 May the green of your vomit tomorrow echo the green of your eyes tonight.

11 May your codpiece always be a size too small.

10 Here's shrapnel in yer eye!

9 May the wind always be at yer back... less'n o'course, you're a mime.

8 May the grass grow green in your fields, may the sun shine warmly at your back, and may you be back home in your apartment a half-hour before you start puking your guts out.

7 May you never have to hear that caterwauling lass from The Cranberries screech ever again.

6 Git yer hand off me arse or I'll rip yer head off and puke down yer throat.

5 May Erin go bra'less.

4 May you have the hair of Bono and the balls of Sinead O'Connor.

3 May Pamela Lee fondle your blarney stones.

2 Here's to not trippin' over a Kennedy.

and the Number 1 St. Patrick's Day Toast...

1 May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by a gas explosion only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was shorter than that."

Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"

A zoo acquires at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a paticularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla. So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "Firstly, dere's to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic." The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask. "Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars..."

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys." Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are. "Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job." Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you." Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."

What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture!

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."

An Irishman dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter says heaven is really crowded now and if he wants to get in he must first answer 3 questions. "All right, that's fair. What's the first question?" St. Peter says, "How many days of the week contain a T?" The Irishman thinks a while and then says, "6" St. Peter says "Six. How do you get six?" The Irishman says "Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, yesterday, today, and tomorrow." St. Peter says, "OK I'll let you have that one. But the next one is a little bit harder. How many seconds are there in a year." The Irishman thins a bit more and then says "Twelve." St. Peter wants to know how he got that. "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." St. Peter says "OK I'll let you have that one too. But the last one is really hard. What is God's first name.?" The Irishman thinks for a long time and finally says, "OK I think I've got that one too. His first name is Andy." St. Peter is really perplexed at this one. He says to the Irishman, "ANDY. How in the world did you get Andy." The Irishman says, "From the hymn. 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me"

Waiting in line outside of St. Peter's gate one day were three men and their daughters who all died in a huge car accident. There was a Jew, and Irishman and a Greek. The Jew was first in line, and as he came up to the desk, St. Peter shook his hand effusively and welcomed him to Heaven. "Ah, Isaac! I am so glad to see you here. You have been a good man in your life, you have abstained from liquor and been kind to people. You may go on in. Oh, by the way, what is the name of your lovely daughter?" The Jew proudly replied, "Penny." St. Peter exploded. "All you jews are the same. All you do is think about money. You even name your kids after it! Go to hell." And the Jew and his daughter began to walk dejectedly to hell. Next in line was the Irishman, who was also greeted with a friendly handshake. "Patrick, my friend, you have been a good, kind man in your life -- giving freely to the poor, I would like to welcome you to
Heaven. By the way, what is your daughter's name?" "Brandy," the Irishman replied. Once again, St. Peter exploded. "All you Irishmen are the same! All you think about is liquor! You even name your kids after it! Go to Hell." As the Irishman and his daughter started on the path to Hell, the Greek turned to his daughter and said, "Fanny, I think we're in trouble now!"

How can you tell an Irishman at a cock-fight? He's the one with a duck.

It was a cold, hard Dublin winter, and it was Brian McLonegan's last. He finally had succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver, the traditional trail of farewell for those who subsist on the Irish Liquid Diet. His casket was being carried down the steps of the church by the six pallbearers (none of whom was any too steady) when one of the lead men slipped on the ice and sent the whole bunch, with the casket, sliding down the street. The men managed to stop themselves with little difficulty, but the casket carrying the mortal remains of Brian McLonegan continued on down the icy way. At the end of the street was the local Apothecary shop, and a man was coming out the door as the casket jumped the sidewalk. The man saw the juggernaut coming, leaping aside just in time, as the casket shot through the open doorway. It scraped across the floor, coming up against the druggist's counter with an authoritative "Thump!" The lid popped open, and the stiff of Brian McLonegan sat upright. "Top o' th' mornin' to ye, an' how can I be helpin' ye?" inquired the druggist. Said McLonegan's stiff: "Can ye be givin' me somethin' for this coffin?"

An Irishman is walking along a beach and what else but find a bottle. As he picks it up to see if it has any booze it, a genie pops out and tells him he can make 3 wishes which she will grant. Well first he says that he would like a bottle of Irish Whiskey that is never empty. *Poof* a bottle suddenly appears in his hands. Popping the cork, he downs the entire bottle, but lo and behold it fills back up in front of his eyes. He tries it again 3 times and each time it fills back up again. The genie getting impatient asks him what he wants for his other wishes. Well he says I'd like 2 more of these bottles.......

Paddy and Mike were the best of friends, grew up in the same neighborhood, stood up for each other when wed, stood as Godfather to one another's children, aged together and, in general, were best of friends all of their long lives. During one particularly long bout with a bottle of stout, they began to think of their mortality. The saved a weeks wages and purchased an expensive bottle of quality Irish Whisky and made a vow over it's unopened seal. They promised that, whichever passed the great void, the other would make certain that the bottle accompanied them. Well, as worse would have it, Mike passed to his reward first. Late one night, just after the wake, an acquaintance passed the cemetery only to see Paddy peeing on Mike's grave. Shocked, he asked Paddy why the disrespect. Paddy, a bit woozy from the wake, assures the acquaintance that he is only fulfilling his blood oath to his best friend Mike. "We promised to bury the bottle...but I din' make no promise not to process the contents first!"

Two Irish Micks were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

Milligan: 'Boy did we throw a big party in our cellar last night!'
Gilligan: 'You don't say! Was your cousin Flaherty there?'
Milligan: 'Was he! He was the big party we threw in the cellar!'

There were the two Irish bank robbers. They had decided to avoid suspicion by learning to speak with upper class British accents. After weeks of intensive training, they were ready. Into the bank they went. "I say, old chap, rather hate to do this to you, but, would you mind terribly putting the money in this bag?" So the tellers comply, and everything is going just great, but the manager all of a sudden says: "No offence meant, gentlemen, but...you chaps wouldn't happen to be Irish by any chance?" "How did you guess?" "I couldn't help noticing you'd sawn off the wrong end of the shotgun."

An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister." The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister." The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now." The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."

Paddy and Sean were walking down the street when Paddy sees a syringe full of heroin lying in the gutter, and bends over to pick it up. "Don't do that!" says Sean, horrified. "You might get AIDS!" "No I won't;" replies Paddy "I'm wearing a condom".

Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

An Irishman was talking to his wife and he said 'You should always look at the bright side of things. Remember all that gold jewelry I gave you last Christmas? Well you should be glad it turned green in time for St. Patrick's day!'

A Pom went to the doctors to be made into an Irishman. The doctor told him that to become an Irishman he would have to remove one quarter of his brain, to which the Pom agreed. After the operation the Doctor told him that there had been a little mistake in the theatre and that they had accidentally taken out three quarters of his brain. Replied the Pom: "She'll be right, mate."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew everybody else. One Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. The priest after hearing Timmy's sins said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that you're fooling around with one of the married women in the parish." Timmy protested his innocence but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy" ,he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?" "No father I hardly know the woman!" "All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?" "Mrs. O'Connell, father she the wife of one of my very best friends! I would never lay hands on her!" "Timmy, this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience, is it Mrs. O' Hara?" "No Father I wouldn't dream of...". "TIMMY! I don't want to hear it. You've come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess who it is to me." On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the confessional. The friend asks Timmy, "Is the Father in a good mood today? Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off and three good leads."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Anthems from around the World