Paddies Area

A young Australian man walked into this Irish bar one night and all of a sudden, everyone stopped, looked at him and started to smirk. One of the biggest, meanest looking guys stands up and shouts, "217". Well, the whole bar broke out in maniacal laughter until one of the guys sitting behind him shouts, "136". At this, the Aussie man, very confused, blushes and moves to the bar. The rest of the bar continued shouting numbers at him and laughing until some of them couldn't laugh any more. The young Aussie says to the bartender, "Why are they all shouting numbers at me and laughing?" The bartender replied, "Well, there are so many jokes in Ireland about you Aussies that we just use numbers to tell which one we mean. If you want, just stand there and shout a number..." So the young Aussie stands there and the whole bar goes silent. At the top of his voice he screams "326". At this, everybody in the bar laughs so hard that they fall off their chairs and roll around on the floor. Completely baffled, the Aussie turns to the visibly shaking bartender and asks why everyone was laughing so much. Between chuckles, the bartender replied, "They haven't heard that one before.

Pat & Mick our intrepid Irish duo decided to become adventurous and climbed to the highest peak in Ireland. When they reached the summit Pat launched himself off the cliff and was free falling when he reached into his pocket and produced a budgie which he held by the legs above his head. The little bird flapped his wings like buggery but all to no avail and **SPLAT**!! Pat landed on the rocks below. Not to be outdone, Mick launched himself off the cliff also and halfway down reached into his haversack and produced a parrot which he held by the legs above his head. The parrot flapped its' wings profusely but all to no avail and Mick landed on the rocks below **SPLAT**!! As they passed through the casualty department, Pat turned to Mick and said "This budgie jumping and parrot sailing is not all that safe, is it?"

There was a big Beer conference over in Europe one day and all of the big companies were there. After the meeting,some of the company presidents went to get some drinks together. The Budweiser guy goes to the bar and says, "Give me the King of Beers, I'll have a Budweiser!" Then the Coor's president says, "I'll have the best mountain brewed beer, Give me a Coor's." Then The Corona guy says, "I'll Have the best beer in the world, give me a Corona." Then The president of Guinness goes up to the bar, and says, "I'll have a coke." "A coke?" the bartender says. Yep. He goes back to sit down and all the other presidents were saying, "What's going on, you don't even drink your own stuff?" And the Guinness guy says, "We'll you guys aren't drinking real beer so I figured I shouldn't either."

So theres a German, a Scotsman, and an Irishman at a bar after work, each with a full pint. Three flies buzz into the bar and all of the sudden, one lands in each of their beers. The german, with a distainfull look on his face, "Ach! I no drink this now! Disgusting!" pushes the pint away. The Scots, calmly," it's a-not so baad, ye jest pull 'im out, its fine lad.", takes the fly out, takes a drink. The Irish, plucks the fly out by it's wings, holds it over the pint and yells,"SPIT IT OUT, YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!"

A man stumbles up to the only other customer in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake??? One less drinker!!!

What do you call the man In the middle of a thousand Irishmen??? Bartender!!!

The fastest woman alive is an Irish girl, Nan O'Second.

Of course, there's the only Irish state in the USA --- O'Regon.

What do you call an Irishman who steals your drink? Nick McGuinness!

How do you get an Irishman to climb on to the roof of a pub? Tell him the drinks are on the house!

Why can't you get ice in your drinks in Ireland? The guy with the recipe emigrated!

Why are Irish jokes so simple? So others can understand them!

St. Patrick's Skull
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls. "What are you doing?" asked the American. "O'im selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul.." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "God", said Bud, "What are you doing?" "O'im selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul.." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick." "Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!!"

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangle found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangle Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's north America and south America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangle said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangle gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance... God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"

St. Peter answers a knock at the Pearly Gates. "What's your name?" he asks. "My name's Sean Patrick O'Malley!" is the reply. "Yes" says St Peter, "I see your name in the book, but it notes you were a member of the IRA. You can't come in here." "Come in hell!' Is the reply. "I'm giving you ten minutes to get out!"

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were on a TV quiz show. The question (hopelessly contrived for the benefit of this joke) was Complete the following well-known phrase and spell the missing word: "Old Macdonald had a ..."
American answers: "Ranch, r - a - n - c - h"
Sorry, wrong.
Englishman answers: "Estate, e - s - t - a - t - e"
Sorry, wrong.
Irishman, jumping up and down in his excitement: "I've got it! Farm, e - i - e - i - o".

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus? Burned his lips on the exhaust.

Do you remember the Gulf War? Well, Ireland sent a battalion to the Gulf as well. Unfortunately, the Mexicans didn't know what to do with them.

How do you make an Irish man burn his ear? Call him when he's ironing.

In the days before the IRA got hold of sophisticated explosives and timers, they had to make do with dynamite and alarm clocks. One particular bomb nearly injured a British Army bomb disposal squad by making them laugh their heads off. The wires from the fuse were connected to the hands of an alarm clock. The minutes hand was bent down, so that at 12:00 it would touch the hours hand and complete the firing circuit. There was just one problem. The clock had plastic hands.

Whats the latest Irish invention? A submarine with windscreen wipers.

Whats the latest Irish invention? Fire proof matches.

Whats the latest Irish invention? An air conditioned motorcycle.

I was going to write an irish cookbook ? But you can only do so much with a potato.

How do confuse an irishmen? Put him in a circular room and tell him to dig in a corner..

How do confuse an irishmen? Put 8 spades in front of him and tell him to take his pick..

What is the latest Irish invention ? A glass hammer.

What is the latest Irish invention ? A solar power touch.

What is the latest Irish invention ? A parachute that opens on impact.

What is the latest Irish invention ? The biggest microchip in the world.

What is the latest Irish invention ? A helicopter with an eject seat.

What is the latest Irish invention ? A cement life jacket.

What is the latest Irish invention ? A spacesuit with air holes in.

Whats the latest Irish sales deal ? A bungee jump - no strings attached.

Did you see that sign in that irish shop's window ? It read: WANTED ; Boy to trace gas leaks by candle light, must be willing to travel.

A Frenchman, a Scotsman and an Irishman go into a bar and they all order a beer. By chance, each of them gets a fly in his mug. The Frenchman sees the fly, gags, and throws down his mug in disgust. The Scotsman sees the fly in his mug, stares at it for a few seconds, shrugs his shoulders and drinks his beer anyway. The Irishman sees the fly in his mug and reaches in and pulls it out. Then he starts shaking the fly and yelling "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

The Irish invented bagpipes and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. I assume you know why bagpipe players like to march when they are playing? Because it's harder to hit a moving target. "An accordion is just a bagpipe with pleats" Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments that annoy the most people in the world bag pipes and accordions - and place them in the *same band*.

A newspaper reporter, interviewing a very old Irishman who had his 99th birthday, said: `I certainly hope I can return next year and help you to celebrate your 100th birthday.' `Can't see why not, young fellow, you look healthy enough to me!'

A Letter from Mom Just a Few lines to let you know all our recent bad news. I am alive and well but don't read too fast as I can only write slow with my neumatics. Your Uncle Patrick died last week from a rare tropical disease - Frost Bite. He stated in his will that he wished to be buried at sea. Three of his friends were drowned digging the grave. As you knew he joined the Navy as a young man and was given a job as a deckhand on a submarine. Cousin Mick is now out of jail after serving eight years of a twelve year sentence for assault and battery. He got two years off for good behavior and Aunt Martha thinks it's a wonderful consolation to have such a good boy. He didn't know the house when he got back as they have moved. Your Pa was very worried last week that he had lost his old axe which he had for over 50 years. It had been fitted with only five new heads and eight new handles. Then he took the car in for a service, but couldn't get in the church door. A shocking man your Pa, for he spends very little time at home. For every once he comes in, he goes out ten times. I had a bit of an accident when I fell out of the window trying to iron the curtains, and me that broke the washing machine when I was washing the floors last year. Love from MA P.S. I was going to send you some money but I have already sealed the envelope.

Any group that loves word play and drinking as much as the Irish is sure to raise making toasts to a classic art. Here are a few examples of the Irish toast: May those that love us, Love us. And those that don't love us - May God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, May he turn their ankles So we'll know them by their limping. May the road rise to meet you may the wind be always at your back the sun shine warm upon your face the rain fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again May God hold you in the hollow of his hand. Heres to you and yours and to mine and ours and if mine and ours ever come across you and yours I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours as mine and ours have done for you and yours.
[ Try saying that after a pint or two ! ]
Here's to a long life and a happy one
Here's to a good wife and a faithful one
Here's to a swift death and a painless one
Here's to a good beer and another one!
Here's a health to your enemies enemies.
"May you be in heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead."
May you live to be a hundred years with one extra year to repent.
May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks,
May your heart be as light as a song,
May each day bring you bright happy hours, That stay with you all the year long.
May your neighbours respect you, Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you, And heaven accept you.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped on the moss and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

One evening in London's West End a charity show was being held. The packed auditorium was patiently waiting for 'Bobby - The Ventriloquist' Eventually, he came on and proceeded to tell Irish jokes. After a constant barrage of Irish jokes ringing through the crowd for about 30 minutes, a big, huge Irishman stood up in the front row and shouted: "Hey, you... if you tell one more Irish joke and insult me and me kind, why I'll jump on the stage and kick the crap out of ya." After a short, stunned silence the Ventriloquist stood up and said; "I'm very sorry I did not mean to insult you... " The Irishman stood up again and said; "I'm not talking to you.. I'm talking to that little Bollox on your lap!"

A Bishop from County Offaly, Ireland, has come up with a way to minister and to help pay for restorations at his church: a "healing and confession line". For one pound a minute, callers can choose to talk to the Bishop, connect with a "healing line", or say their confessions. "There is a genuine need for a service like this, especially for people who are housebound or living in isolated areas," Fr. Cox said. However, a spokesman at the Vatican didn't think so. "Anyone who believes that by participating in this form of confession is having a valid sacrament is mistaken. Personal encounter is part of the sacrament of confession by definition," he said. 'Please enter the number of the Commandment you have broken, followed by the number of times you have broken it...

An Irish fishing trawler has reported it got a particularly good catch. "We were fishing off Whitehaven and hauling the nets aboard for the last haul of the day," a crewman said, and found "bottles and bottles of whiskey and wine" in the net. "We were quite pleased," he added. "It was well tested before we got home." The haul was likely from a cache of 120,000 bottles of booze washed overboard from another ship 18 months earlier. Several other fishing boats have reported similar hauls, but none of the men will say exactly where the stuff is being found. Of course not!

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"

Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Tim Kelly was walking thorough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a damn in a fight."

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Michael Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Michael Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th. hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon waking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th. hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods & goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

It was New Year's Eve when three lads were riding in their car down the road, drinking Guinness, having a grand ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our Guinness? We'll get a DUI." "No, no," the driver says, "just do this: Pull your labels off of your beer bottles and stick 'em to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull their labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You lads were swerving a wee bit down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "No officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic, why" "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and the shot him"

Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker then exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case someone looses them.

First time Patty was ever on an aeroplane and he is noticed by the stewardess who can see he is quite afraid of flying. "Is there anything wrong sir" she asks "No missus" he replies "Just the first time I ever flew, I'm from Ahoghill, near Ballymena and the first man in the town ever to fly" So she leaves it at that and gets on with he her duties. When the plane is due to land she goes back to the passenger "Well sir were you comfy?" she asks. He looks around at her and answers "I telt ye that afore, joost oot side Ballymena.

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name andaddress?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Damn! There goesanother one!"

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy wasshorter than that."

Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"

One morning Mrs. Murphy was telling her husband, Pat, how poorly she was feeling and Pat said "Well, why doncha git yourself to the Dr., gal. So later that day Mrs. Murphy got dressed up and went to see the family doctor.... When she returned home, Pat said, "Well, what did he have ta say"? Looking perplexed, his wife said, "He wants me to bring in a specimen tomorrow, but I dunno what he means by a specimen" "Well", said Pat,"go over to your widow friend, Mrs. O'Brien, she knows everythin'....ask her" So Mrs. Murphy ran next door to talk to her friend, Mrs.O'Brien, and was gone a terrible long time.....When she came back she was a mess, Her hair was all over her head and her dress was torn. "And what in the hell happened ta you" Pat asked. "Well," answered his wife, "I asked her what a speciman was and she said, "Go Piss in a bottle"..... and I said, "Go Shit in yer hat" and the fight was on!!!!!"