Blueroom Area

The Blue Room

I know, this is the page you have been waiting to see. This page contains jokes with an adult theme, so if you are a nipper or are easily offended, as Eddie Murphy once said: get the fuck out..:)

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more. The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

There were these three guys at the lake, a german, an englishman and an african. The german took out his dick, put it in the water,waited a while and told the others: I can feel the water it's a 24 degrees Celsius. The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: To be more exact, the temperature is 24.7 degrees Celsius. At last the black man said, Let me have a try. So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 6 inches deep.

What not to Name your dog Everybody has a dog called "rover" or "rex" I called my dog sex. When I went to city hall to but a licence I told the clerk that I wanted to buy a licence for sex. He said "I'd like one to". But then I said "This is a dog". He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "you don't understand I've had sex since I was 9" He said " you must have been quite a kid". When I got married and went on our honey moon I took the dog wiht me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me, my wife and one for sex. He said "all the rooms are for sex" "You don't understand" I said "sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "me to". One day I entered sex in a contest, but before it began the dog ran away. Another contestent asked me why I was just standing around. I told him that I planned to have sex in the contest He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said "I planned to have sex on T.V. He called me a show off When me and my wife got divorced we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said "Your honour, I had sex before we were married" The judge said me too. Then I told him that after we were married sex left he said "me too". Last night sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came up and siad to me " what are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning" I said I was looking for sex

My case comes up Friday.

Two young boys, ages 10 and 11 are walking down the street on afternoon and these two adult men are walking toward them with a purposeful stride. Just before the reach the boys they turn into the short walkway to a large house. The house is a brothel. The boys watch as the men walk up to the door, ring the bell and see the madam answer almost immediately. She's a tough looking gal and says, "So? What do you two want?" They respond, "You know what we want!" "Oh, yeah! You got twenty bucks?" They hand her the money and are ushered in. The boys watch in fascination as another man walks up to the door and goes through the same routine. And then another, and still another. Finally the younger of the two says, "What do you suppose is going on in there, Tommy?" Tommy says, "I don't know, but it costs money to get in. You wanna go see?" "Sure, but we don't have twenty bucks." How much do you have, Jimmy?" Jimmy searches his pockets and comes up with four dollars. Tommy has three dollars and says, "Well, we're just kids, maybe we can get junior prices. But I'm the oldest so let me do all the talking'." So up to the door they go. The grumpy ol' madam opens the door and says, "What the hell do you two want?" Tommy says bravely, "You know what we want!" She smiles to herself and says, "Have you got twenty bucks?" "No, we haveonly seven dollars. Can we get "junior" prices?" The old madam is really amused at this. She smiles warmly and says, "Sure kids, come on in." They step inside to a dimly lit vestibule where the madam turns and says, "Give my your money boys." Tommy and Jimmy are standing next to each other as Tommy hands over the money. She reaches out, takes the money and stuffs it into her more than ample décolletage'. While the boys are staring at her cleavage, she reaches out and takes a hold of their heads and smacks them together soundly, opens the door, throws them out on the street unceremoniously and slams the door shut. Little Jimmy, holding his head, says, "Boy, Tommy, I'm sure glad we only had seven dollars. I don't think I could have taken twenty dollars worth of that."

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Newly Weds! A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before." The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it." "My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was.................God I miss him!"

Three worst Chinese torture tests A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying some one is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning" The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only beenlost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout out the meal. That night, the man sneaked into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room, later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too damn far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost"

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person, but recommends against it. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb bitch who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..

A biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found. One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him. After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, "Those are sperm cells."

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"

The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

A man with a 24-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place. The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story. "Witch, my penis is 24-inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 24-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog says NO, your penis will be 4-inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4-inches shorter! "WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 20-inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?". The frog rolled it's eyes back in it's head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4-incher shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!" He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 16-inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Sixteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought, "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time." Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog was getting really pissed off at this guy now and shouted back at him "Leave me alone, stop bothering me, watch my lips...... I said NO! NO! NO!....and for the last time, NO!"

An elephant walks through the jungle when all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. He realises that he is going to die, so naturally he starts to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle for help. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Mercedes (1998 model). He throws a rope from the Mercedes into the pit and the elephant ties it around himself. The King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking through the jungle and hears a chicken screaming for help. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (This is too much of a coincidence, I don't believe this!) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However his tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his penis. Success! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a Mercedes to get your chick................"

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet.I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermateolegical abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes!"

What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You can't gargle with sand

What does parsley have in common with pubic hair? You push both aside before you start eating.

Why's pubic hair curly? So it doesn't poke your eyes out

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw...... "Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?" The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years... I wonder how the girls are doing?" As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are NOT the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients. But, another voice kept reminding me, "You're a veterinarian!"

Mrs. Jones' husband has lost interest in her sexually, so she goes to the local lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless panties. That night, when her husband comes home from work, she yells down from the bedroom, "Honey, come upstairs...I have a surprise for you." When he opens the bedroom door, she's lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties. She spreads her legs and says, "See anything you want?" He says, "Why would I want THAT? Look what it did to your underwear."

Three slags sitting in the pub one night decided to see who has the biggest cunt. They each put a fiver on the table as a prize foe the winner. The first stands up, nestles onto the glass table while the other two take a measurement, not bad they say. The second slags stands up nestle down on the table again while the other two measure her cunt, bigger than yours she says. The third one stands up and nestles onto the table, stands back up and takes the fifteen pound, the other two say hold on you haven't even left a mark. to which she replies " Smell the rim"

A man goes into a pet store and says, "I want to buy a pet for my wife birthday. What do you recommend?" The store clerk points to the monkeys, "These are unusual and smart". The guy buys one and takes it home. When his wife gets home that evening, she comes into a house that has been well-cleaned. There is a dinner on the stove, the dishes are clean, the floor has been polished, and the monkey is in the bathroom power-scrubbing the grout. "What's going on here?" she asks. The husband says: "I bought this monkey for your birthday. As soon as it learns to give a blow job, you're outta here."

Ok, so this guy and girl... call them Jack and Jill.... So Jack and Jill are getting kinda hot and heavy and Jack decides he's going to go for it.... and stick it in.He doesn't even have half the head in when Jill says "Oh wait stop, it hurts, it hurts" So Jack thinks for a second and runs into the bathroom and grabs the good old Vasoline. After putting some on his dick, he goes back into the bedroom and tries again... He barely gets it in a bit further then the last time when Jill says "Oh wait, stop, it hurts, it hurts." So again... he runs back and put some more vasoline on his dick and returns... And again Jill says "No wait... stop, it hurts, it hurts" By this time Jack is getting kinda ticked off... so he runs into the bathroom and jams his entire dick into the jar of vasoline, getting it nice and greased up... Upon returning he goes back to trying to get laid... But again he gets it a tiny bit in and Jill says "No, wait stop, the pain is excruciating!" Jack stops and looks Jill in the eyes with a surprised look on his face and says... "My god thats a big word for a three year old."

Two men are sitting at a table, and one of them has a short beard.Suddenly the other one leans over and strokes his friends beard. "That's funny, your beard feels just like my wifes pussy" he says. The bearded one, stroking his chin replies, "Yeah, your'e right!"

A widow is asked by the undertaker how her husband is to be presented for burial. She asks for him to be dressed in his best suit and for his penis to be amputated and stuck up his anus. The undertaker thinks this is odd, but carries out the widow's request. She goes to see him lying in his coffin some days later. He has a tear emerging from his eye. She leans up close to him and says : "Fucking hurts doesn't it you bastard ?"

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says "Hey kid. If I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car. To which the kid replies "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

A bus pulls up at a stop and a nun gets on. Seeing that she is the only passenger, the nun approaches the driver. "I wonder if you could do me a special favour, Mr Driver" she asks. "Of course, sister" replies the driver. "Well, I have a rare and incurable disease and I'm going to die soon" says the nun, " but before I do, I want to have sex. Will you help me?" "Yes, I will" says the driver. "There are two conditions, though" continues the nun, "first you must be single, because I cannot commit adultery; and second, it has to be anal sex as I must die a virgin." The driver agrees and they go to the back of the bus where the driver gives the nun's arse a good going over. Afterward, the driver is racked with guilt. "I'm sorry, sister," he says, " I have to confess that I'm married." "That's okay, Mr Driver," says the nun, sweetly," I too have a confession to make. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party!"

Little Johnny walks in late for class one morning. "Where have you been?" asks the teacher. "Well", replies Johnny, "I found a frog on the way to school and I was playing with it." "Ok, but I hope you didn't bring it to class with you" says the teacher. "No Miss, I put a firecracker up it's arse and killed it", he tells her. "That's RECTUM Johnny", admonishes the teacher. "Wrecked him!!, Miss, it blew him right apart!", grins the youngster. At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard." Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of bread. Little Johnny was coming home from the store, swinging the loaf of bread in one hand with the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thought to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and said, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father." Little Johnny was watching his mother in the bath and pointing to the slit between her legs asked "what' s that, mummy?" His mum, a little surprised, said "that's where daddy hit me with the axe",
"Good shot ", said Johnny " right in the cunt!"

What's the difference between a Oral thermometer and a Rectal thermometer? The Taste!

What's the difference between shit and diorrhoea? You can't gargle with shit

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg a women to blow your paycheck.

What is it called when a women is paralyzed from the waist down? MARRIAGE!!!!!!!

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? It's Braille for "suck here."

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breast that a 25 year old doesn't? Her Navel.

Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

What's the best thing about oral sex? Ten minutes of silence.