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Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr.Karen Bouncer Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Bouncer. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years." Dr. Bouncer says she would advise males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low-budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible. The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.

Man:"Haven't we met before?"
Woman:"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man:"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman:"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man:"Is this seat empty?"
Woman:"Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."

Man:"So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman:"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man:"Your place or mine?"
Woman:"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man:"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman:"It's in the phone book."
Man:"But I don't know your name."
Woman:"That's in the phone book too."

Man:"So what do you do for a living?"
Woman:"I'm a female impersonator."

Man:"What sign were you born under?"
Woman:"No Parking."

Man:"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman:"Do not enter."

Man:"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:"Unfertilized!"

Man:"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman:"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man:"I know how to please a woman."
Woman:"Then please leave me alone."

Man:"I want to give myself to you."
Woman:"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man:"I can tell that you want me."
Woman:"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you - to leave."

Man:"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman:"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man:"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man:"May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman:"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man:"Your body is like a temple."
Woman:"Sorry, there are no services today."

Man:"I'd go through anything for you."
Woman:"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man:"I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman:"Yes, but would you stay there?"

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.

Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.

Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation.

Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways.

Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.

Brits: Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.

Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Lorne Michaels (SNL producer), Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue (SNL writer), the Kids in the Hall, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans: Think that these people are American!

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.

Brits: Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadilloes.

Americans: Are obsessed with the President, his family, and even their cat.

Canadians: Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a Canadian girl.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

An 80 year old man goes to a whore house and slaps down his money for a "good woman." He's led to his purchase -- the whore takes one look at him and thinks, "This old fools lucky if he even gets it up...this ought to be a real snore..." The old man takes his clothes off, then pulls out a rubber and rolls it on. Then he sticks cotton in each ear and up each nostril. The whore is perplexed and can't resist asking what the cotton is for. The old man replies, "Bitch, there are two things in this world I can't stand: the sound of screaming women and the smell of burning rubber."

A couple was traveling across the US to see the wife's sister in California. They stopped at a gas station to fill up. The attendant came out and asked the husband "How ya doin?" "Fine" he replies. The wife yells out the car window "What did he say?" The husband says "He just asked how I was doin?" "Oh" she says, sitting back down. The attendant said "Where you folks from?" The husband says "McAlester, Oklahoma" The wife yells from the car again, "What'd he say?" This time the husband yells back "He asked where we were from, I told him McAlester!" "Oh" she sits back down. The attendant adds "I was in McAlester once, got laid there, it was awful!" The wife yells from the car again "What'd he say?" The husband replies "He thinks he knows you!"

So this horse walks into a bar, The bartender looks at him and asks "So,.....why the long face?"

Did you hear about the Brixton library burning to the ground last night? Apparently it was a total loss. Both books were destroyed, and one of them hadn't even been colored in !

A man got a job on a ship. When looking around he noticed a barrel with a hole in it. When he asked the captain what it was he explained that they used it instead of women. "Just stick the dick in the hole." "Great", said the man, "Can i use is as often as i like?" The captain looked at the duty roster and said, "Yes you can, except on Tuesdays, when its your turn to sit in the barrel."

The teacher was doing her vocab section where each student would have to use a word in a sentence to show they knew what it meant. "Little Suzy," said the teacher, "Use the word definitely in a sentence." Little Suzy then said "I definitely will eat lunch today" Little Johnny shot up his hand and yelled, "Teacher,teacher,farts have chunks" The teacher then said, "No Johnny they don't." "Then teacher," proclaimed Johnny, "I definitely shit my pants!"

A young girl visits the doctor for the first time. He slips her top and bra off....places his stethescope on her chest and says...."BIG BREATHS!" "YETH", she replies "....AND I'M ONLY THICKTHTEEN."

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window? Swim.

How do you know if you've passed an elephant? Can't flush him.

What's pink and hard ? A pig with a flick-knife

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb??? Two, but I don't know how they get in there.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire fixes itself.

Two nuns were riding on a train. One of them was doing a crossword puzzle while the other read. The first one is stumped for an answer and asks the other for help. "Whats a four letter word ending in u-n-t that means 'woman'?" The other considers and says, "aunt". The second one says, "Oh! Can I borrow your eraser?"

Two nuns wanted to paint their room in the convent, but knew that the Mother Superior would get upset if they got paint on their habits so they decided to take off their habits to paint. After they had begun painting, they heard a knock on the door. Panicking about being seen naked they asked "Who is it?". The man at the door replied "Blind man." The sisters figured it was ok to let the blind man in since he wouldn't be able to see them so they opened the door. The man walked in and said "Nice tits sister, where do you want the blinds?"

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out the water?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience chrysalises in their stomach?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Is there another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

How can there be self-help *groups*?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, when you can't legally drink and drive?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had haemorrhaged some sort of faecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,"Why do you want to know?".
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's:Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon Now, here's the FUN part!

A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain ?" said the counsellor, "You're still getting the same service !"

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband. But look at me. My husband is Foolish, Lazy and a Coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?"

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her." One of his friends asked, "And when you are angry, what do you do ?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back."

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out : 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem ?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful ? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?"
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you.
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one ?'

Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I think I'll go into the ministry when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But why did you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "You make me to go to church on Sunday anyway, and it will be much more fun to stand in the pulpit and yell than to sit still and listen.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the nightwith her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send acheck for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!

He paid the $500 RENT.