General Area

A Blonde who was a rather a well-proportioned secretary, decided to spend some of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, a joke?"

Three men died and went to heaven. At the gates of heaven St. Peter was questioning each person before they could go through. The first man walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter looks at his record and says "well you've never been unfaithful to your wife, so you get a Porche." The man thought this was kind of weird, but a Porche appears, the man hops in, and drives away. The second man gets up there and St. Peter is looking at his record and says "well you only cheated on your wife once, so you get a Ford truck." The truck appears, the second man hops in, and drives away. The third man gets up there and St. Peter looks at his record and says "you've been not so good, unfaithful for the last few years of marriage. You get a motor scooter." The motor scooter appears, and the third man drives away on it. Some time later, by chance, the three men met again. The man who had recieved the Porche was crying, so the other two asked him why, since he got the biggest, badest, best car out of the three. The man looks up and says "I just saw my wife, and she was riding a skateboard!!!"

A curious man once asked God, "God, I was wondering...how long is a million years to you?" God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you." So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you?" And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you." So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?" And God answers, "Just a second son."

Confusious say: Boy who lay girl on ground have peace on earth.

Confusious say: Man who walk through door sideways is going to Bangkok.

A salesman for a new firm had had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting takeoff. At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inches, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck's going to change. She also still had a name tag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, MASRA. Are you traveling alone?" She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for "Midwest American Sexual Response Association." "Keynote, huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?" "Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please women. I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions, is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all. One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American, basically because as a group they are so well built 'that way.' The third are the men from down south because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up a long time. And by the way, my name is Wanda. What's yours?" "Hi, Wanda. I'm Tonto Weisenberg, but all my friends back home in Atlanta just call me Bubba."

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples not 10.

4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

5. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."

6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"

10. Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the Cherry."

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze and says, "In America, we call this a hug." She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss." She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Later that evening, after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to screw her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich." She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America
>asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he
>gives her a little squeeze and says, "In America, we call this
>a hug."
> She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
> A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In
>America, we call this a kiss."
> She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
> Later that evening, after quite a few drinks, he takes her out
>on the campus lawn and proceeds to screw her, and says, "In

Leroy is a 15 yr old 9th grader. Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did:


1. RECTUM...I had 2 cadillacs but my old lady rectum.
2. HOTEL...I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
3. ODYSSEY...I told my bro, "You odyssey da tits on dis ho!"
4. STAIN...My mother-in-law asked if I was stain for dinner.
5. SELDOM...My cousin give me 2 tickets to da Knicks, so I seldom.
6. PENIS...I went to da doctor and he gave me a cup and told me to penis.
7. CATACOMB...Don King was at da fight the other night...man, somebody get that catacomb.
8. FORECLOSE...If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
9. UNDERMINE...There's a fine looking ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. TRIPOLI...I was gonna buy my old lady a bra, but I couldn't find no tripoli.
11. DISAPPOINMENT...My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment he gonna kill me.
12. INCOME...I just got in bed with this ho and income my wife.
13. HONOR...At the rape trial, the judge asked my buddy, who be honor first.
14. FORTIFY...I asked the ho how much? She said fortify.
15. ISRAEL...Alfonso try to sell me a Rolex, I say it look fake. He say NO, Israel.


Leroy got an "A ".........And who said that Yanks are thick.?........:)

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.-Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.-Winston Churchill

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.-His reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers. "Now that's entirely false." she cried. "I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice."

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Edward who works at a Wal-Mart. One day an older gent asked him, "Where are Depends?" I took him over to the adult incontinence under- garments and then his face turned red with embarassment. "No," he said, and took an ink pen out of his pocket. "I want da pens."

Karyn told me about the guy who was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." The guy said, "Officer, I have *contacts*." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care *who* you know -- I'm giving you a ticket."

Geoff tells me when he was in the hospital waiting room he heard about the two butchers brought into the emergency room. They both had their left hands bandaged. "What happened?" I asked the first one. "I was cutting some meat when the cleaver slipped and cut my hand." I asked the other one how he had been injured. "Oh, I was showing the other guys what *this* guy was doing and I did the same thing."

IQ wanted me to know there's more than one "Judi" out there. Her husband's secretary (Edna) one time shredded her (Edna)
own paycheck. Then she booked her boss on a flight and said, "I even got you a window seat because I know how you like to smoke."

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? Being fingered by Captain Hook.

What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you one!

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. You don't eat your bowling ball

Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and that is gonna be painful as hell to get out." So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1am, 2am, 3am and no sign of Cinderella. Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon? I've been worried sick about you." "Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named Peter-Peter."

A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure -- what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure -- what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs, so excited that he does not know whether he is coming or going. She unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3." (Kleenex!!!!!!)

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell "paradigm."

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline's fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just
"issues" and "improvement opportunities."

12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."

15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re- engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."

16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.

17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO."

20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.

21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.

27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.

29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss...
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work:
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss said to me,
"What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution : " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

Human Resource Manager to job candidate :
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry :
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!!!! Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there.... Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Happy aging!

The head salesman of a huge department store in the city was interviewing a young lad for a sales job. "Have ever worked as salesman before?" yes said the new recruit I was a salesman in my small village. Ok said the Boss you can start tomorrow and I will come and see you at 5. It was a long day for the young man and sharp at 5 the Boss was there. "How many sales did you make today?" said the Boss. "One" said the young lad. Only one said the boss, most of my sales employees make 20 to 30 sales a day. "How much was this one sale worth?" the boss asked "Five Hundred Thousand, Six hundred and forty Two dollars" said the young lad. "Wow, How did you manage that" said the flabbergasted Boss. Well this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, a medium fish hook then a really large fish hook. Then a small fishing line, a medium fishing line then a really huge fishing line. I asked where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took to the boats department and sold him the 32 foot schooner with the twin engine. The guy then realized that his car won't be able to pull it, so I took to the car department and sold him the Range Rover with the 6 LTR engine. The Boss was astonished "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "Hell No" said the salesman, he came in for a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him.... "Well your weekend is certainly screwed, why don't you go fishing"

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so mad I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE. The man gulps down the drink and says, "Gimme another ONE!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?" So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!" "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door." "The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'" "So, I opened the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me." The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at that point." "Well, just wait, I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been sleeping with now?' " The girl says "Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down." Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' 'I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have made me mad for SURE." "No, that didn't BOTHER me that much. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are ANGRY." "No, that WASN'T what really made me mad." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally make you mad?" "Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and. "I WAS ONLY ABOUT 5 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"