General AreaCongress: 100 senators, 435 representatives, no clues.
Stop the slaughter -- boycott baby oil!
Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work will pay off later, but laziness pays off now.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
If there is no God, then who pops up the next kleenex?
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Cruel and unusual punishment works better.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Power corrupts and absolute power is kinda neat.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
The meek shall inherit the earth... after we're through with it.
If we shouldn't eat animals then why are they made of meat?
Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
A day without sunshine is like night.
"Police station toilet stolen, cops have nothing to go
on"
Confucious Say
Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.
Men who put cream in tart not always bakers!
Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the desert.
The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period
get caught red-handed.
He who eats too many jelly beans, farts in living colour!!
Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
Girls should not marry basketball players because they always
dribble before they shoot.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe
ballroom.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
A girls best asset is her liability ('lie'ability).
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.
Wash your face in morning neck at night.
Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean
yes. When lady say yes, she no lady
Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
He who sniffs coke drowns.
Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
Man who piss into wind get wet.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
Man who eat pussy do lip service.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons
Never eat yellow snow.
Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick all gone.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright
organ.
Confucius say too fucking much!!!
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.
Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman
have more!
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to
end up with splitting headache.
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with
pants down.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.
He who lives in glass house dresses in basement.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down.
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
Man who go to bed with diarrhoea wake up in deep shit.
Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
When in doubt, whip it out.
Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
DID YOU KNOW?
(Dont worry neither did I.)
.
Rene Descartes came up with the theory of coordinate geometry by looking at a fly walk across a tiled ceiling
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. [If all four legs were off the ground, the statue would fall ...I guess...]...:)
Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say "many things" and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -- in many places -- refers to "40 days," they meant many days
.No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression " to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village"
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. [It was recently replaced by "Yo!"]
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The original story from Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights begins,
"Aladdin was a little Chinese boy." [This will come as
a shock to
Disney fans]
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The 'y' in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pronounced with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England use the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." [This is stage 2 of an Eskimo greeting... stage 3 often produces little Eskimos]
Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tetonic destruction (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.)
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott ". [And McKoy never said, "He's ALIVE, Jim!!"]
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. [Some people just make an ass of themselves]
The flag of the Philippines is the only national flag that is flown differently during times of peace or war. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion is flown in war time.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. [Your space dollars, working for a better frogs]
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.
If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.
Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living. [And some frogs turn into handsome princes when kissed]
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen. [And credit cards aren't made of credit, or cards]
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said : "Well, give me the good news first" Smiling, God explained: "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could be bad news after such great tidings? " God looked upon Adam and said with a great sorrow : "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house. As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself. Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves. A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony. The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier. "What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?" "Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. ... That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, Son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut." The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair." To which his father replied, "You're right, son... and did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late."
On the first day of creation, God created the cat. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat. On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light
bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their
agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that
two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with
the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient
Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy,
so...
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said,"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why the hell can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for 50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or with a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "*Yours* is."
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance....
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" "John Smith," replies the woman. "Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?" The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave." "Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"
During history class Miss Dressel asked, "What happened in 1483?" "Martin Luther was born," answered a student promptly. "Correct ! What happened in 1487?" After a long pause, "Martin Luther was four years old."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time, it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order from which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
Clyde and Odell went hunting. As they came to a clearing beside a lake, they spotted a beautiful young blond lying totally naked, sunning herself on a rock in the middle of the lake. "Oh, boy!" Clyde yelled as he ran toward the water. "That gal's so beautiful I could eat her!" So Odell shot her.
Worst casual comment of the century? How about the Doctor who tried to calm his nervous patient just before his upcoming circumcision? "It won't be long now!"
A ninety-year-old man married a seventeen-year-old girl, and on their wedding night the sweet young thing jumped into bed, eager to lose her virginity. When the old man held up five fingers, she giggled and said, "Does that mean you want to do it five times?" "No," answered her husband. "It means you get to choose one!"
What do video games and "Playboy" magazine have in common? They both improve eye-hand coordination!
Why is your boss like a diaper? They're both all over your ass and full of Shit!
"During the space program, the Apollo astronauts practiced 'moon-walking' in the Southwestern deserts. The strange sight of the space-suited figures wandering around the landscape attracted several Indians. One of them could speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were doing. When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message to send to the moon. The NASA people humored him, and he scratched out a message. When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn't say anything. The NASA people couldn't read it, since it was in Indian, and they finally had to resort to paying a willing Indian- for whom they had to search, since most refused- to tell them what it said. The note said, 'Watch out for these people! They're coming to take your land!'"
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me." "I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A group of Chinese, a group of Italians, and a group of Blondes. Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the manager decided to assign each group to a different part of the line. The first task was to stand the telegraph poles. The Manager sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus. At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Manager. The Manager inquired of him how many poles had been set by his group. He replied 48. The manager was very pleased. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Chinese and the Blondes did. Next to report was the foreman of the Chinese group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the manager was delighted. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Chinese leader to remain until the Blondes checked in. A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Manager. "How many poles did your group set?" He asked. "Two." Replied the Blonde forewoman. "Two!" Exclaimed the Manager. "The Italians set 48 poles, and the Chinese set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?" He demanded. "It may be true the Italians and Chinese buried more poles than us." Replied the Blonde. "But you should see how much of the poles they left sticking out of the ground!"
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make peepee!" wailed the little boy. "All right," said the mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom." "No," said Johnny, "I want Grandma!" "Don't be silly!" said the mother firmly, "I can do the same thing as Grandma!" "No, you can't. Her hands shake!"
