General AreaMore...............
How did the blonde try to kill the bird...She threw it off a cliff.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves ...She fell out of the tree.
How did the blonde die drinking milk... The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose ... Bobbing for French fries.
Why do blondes like lightning... They think someone is taking their picture.
Why do blondes have more fun... They are easier to amuse.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer... Frosted flakes.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase... A branch manager.
What do you call a smart blonde... A golden retriever.
What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes... The back of her head.
Why were blondes created.. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge...
Why did the blonde call the welfare office... To see how to cook food stamps.
What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen .. Far-From- Thinking.
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios... Oh look donut seeds.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra... Spot.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs... They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air... She missed.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear... Data transfer
One Liners
1.Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
2.We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
3.I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
4.He who laughs last thinks slowest!
5.Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
6.Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
7.Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
8.Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
9.Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
10.I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
11.Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
12.I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
13.I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
14.Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
15.The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16.When there's a will, I want to be in it.
17.Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
18.Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
19.I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
20.All generalisations are false, including this one.
21.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
22."Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
23."90% of all statistics are made up"
24."A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
25."Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
26."Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"
27."If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
28."It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.
29."You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
30."Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove ill doubt."
31..... Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
32.A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
33.A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
34.A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
35.A day not wasted is a day wasted!
36.A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
37.A dirty book is rarely dusty.
38.A friend in need is a pest indeed...
39.A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
40.A mind is a terrible thing to ugh.. I forgot.
41.A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
42.All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
44.Alone: In bad company.
45.Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
46.Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
47.An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
48.Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
49.Any fool can criticise, condemn, & complain. And most do.
50.As I said before, I never repeat myself.
51.As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
52.Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing.
53.Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
54.Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
55.Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
56.Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
57.Constant change is here to stay.
58.Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
59.Do steam rollers really roll steam?
60.Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
61.Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
62.Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
63.Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
64.Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
65.Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
66.Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
67.Floggings will continue until morale improves.
68.Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
69.Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
70.Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
71.Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
72.Gravity doesn't exist.The Earth sucks.
73.Grow your own dope... plant a man.
74.Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
75.Gun control is being able to hit your target!
76.Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
77.Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
78.How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue!
79.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
80.How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
81.I Still miss my ex-wife.....BUT, My aim is improving
82.I bet you I could stop gambling.
83.I can resist anything but temptation.
84.I feel likea fugitive from the law of averages.
85.I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet explains that they will stop standing around and, instead, will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man gives it some thought and eventually comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and has sex with all of them. When he is done his deed, he returns home with the sheep. The next morning, he awakens to find that the sheep are still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and so he loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, and then returns home with the sheep. The next morning, he awakens to find that the sheep are still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and he proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, later that evening, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to see if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." :-)
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. was robbed by an unknown group of people
A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news." The man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor. The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??" "I couldn't reach you yesterday."
A major tabloid reports that Charles Manson said that if the Spice Girls ever visited him, he'd be willing to kill himself. "So, apparently, he's not crazy after all."
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ... A complaint was received by a major car manufacturer: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new car and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about your car that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever get any other kind?'" The President of the car company was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes real.
When three of my grandchildren acquired a half-grown mongrel I agreed to help them build a dog house. As we began the project, I knew that keeping them involved was going to be a challenge. Much of my energy was spent calling them back to the job and finding parts of the project that could be handled by small children. I held to my initial determination that building this dog house was to be a group project. Early in the project I had promised the grandkids that we would roast wieners in the back yard as soon as we finished painting the canine residence. Selecting three of the largest house-painting brushes I could find, I supervised the painting of our homemade structure. Kids and paint. How could I have forgotten the potential mayhem that such a combination can create? After cleaning up the paint mess - kids, brushes, carport - I suggested that we would probably eat earlier if we just asked Gramma to heat the wieners in water on the gas range. A pain of guilt came over me as I realized I was trying to weasel out of an earlier promise. As Jamie, Jeffrey and Kimberley looked on, I built a first- class fire in our back yard pit, whittled some roasting sticks, and prepared for the outdoor cooking event. When we finished eating I leaned back on the cool grass and watched the last flickering remnants of our fire. Six-year-old Jeffrey was leaning back against my chest, and I began to think about what it meant to be a Grampa. The silence was broken when Jeffrey quietly reflected, "Know what Grampa?" And without breaking his gaze at the dying embers he continued, "This is the best day of my whole life." After a few moments of continued silence he glanced up and said, "Are you crying, Grampa? You've got a tear on your cheek." Clearing my throat I explained that it must be from the smoke.
Office Prayer Lord, Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage To change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom To hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, Help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the ass That I might have to kiss tomorrow ..............Amen.
