General Area

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. Thewoman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." said the woman Again,the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. 15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my darn boots!!!"

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice...Have you got a license for that thing?"Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "Okay," he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted,.... "STOP! Have you got a valid tax permit for your vehicle, Madam?" Ethel dug in her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand. "Oh no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful attorney. So, the volunteer in charge of contributions called on the lawyer in hopes of persuading him to contribute. "Our research indicates that out of an annual income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long incapacitating illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uhh . . . no." "Second, that my brother, a disabled U.S. veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way volunteer began to stammer out an apology but was cut off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a tragic automobile accident," the lawyer said, his voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three small children?!" The humiliated United Way representative slumped in his chair, completely beaten, and replied simply, "I . . . I had no idea . . ." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off one final time, ". . . and I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

On the street I saw a small girl cold and shivering in a thin dress, with little hope of a decent meal. I became angry and said to God: "Why did you permit this? Why don't you do something about it?" For a while God said nothing. That night he replied, quite suddenly: 'I certainly did do something about it. I made you."

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never before. Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago-or any time since that I can remember." The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON

stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if, the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ashipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out a plane?

If fire fighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID:

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You bend over just once to get multiple items.
You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie.

A man went to the Police Station to talk to the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre relates this story. Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

A Wal-Mart employee tells of this experience, while working for a spell at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who was seeking a divorce. "Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband." The wife was explicit: "He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!" "Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions." "Prove it??" demanded the woman...."everybody knows it" "If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?" "I didn't know it before I married him." The husband interrupted angrily: "Yes she did too," he shouted. "She knew!!"

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was backon dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day. "Can't replied the farmer. "At night I haul water to the
mudhole."

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No," says Carlos. Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No," says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"

Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!" As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail. "Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed coworker. "Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"

How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's the one with the sesame seed buns!

What's the last thing a drummer says to his band members? "Hey guys I wrote a song!"

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles? "Sparky"

What do you call a man who has lost 99% of his brain? A widower.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

What do you call two indians on a bike? Organized crime.

How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.

What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm in a shark's mouth? Lefty!

How does a high school boy propose marriage? "You're having a what?!?"

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? Kids won't eat broccoli.

How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

What bowl can you wash thousands of times, but it's still not clean enough to eat out of? A toilet bowl!

Everyday for quite a while a young boy brought raisins to his teacher, until one day he suddenly stopped bringing them. After a few days without raisins the teacher was curious and asked why he had stopped, and he replied: "I'm sorry. My rabbit died."

How are a chicken and a grape alike? They are both purple... except for the chicken.

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later the bartender is making conversation and says, "Ya know, we don't get many gorillas round these parts." The gorilla replies, "At those prices I'm not surprised."

Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words!

Where does a general keep his army? In his sleevy.

A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?

How do you catch a unique animal? Unique up on him!

Why did the wagon train have to stop in the desert? Because it was having "injun" trouble!

Borage is a European herb (Borago officinalis) with bristly stems, silvery-gray leaves, and blue or purple star-shaped flowers. It is also known as tailwort. Its leaves, which taste like cucumber, can be used to flavor drinks, and its flowers are sometimes candied. The name goes all the way back to Arabic, where it was called abu'araq, which means father of sweat. This was a reference to the plant's use as a sudorific (a substance which induces sweating, used to break fevers). The Arabic name, shortened to bu'araq, migrated into Medieval Latin as burago. From there, possibly influenced by the Late Latin burra (shaggy cloth, a reference to the leaves) it became Old French bourage, and then the English borage.

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday? Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt. Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope? Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums.

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa my boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?" Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa my boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?" The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa my boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"

Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for her annual physical. He examines her thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got good news and bad news for you." Mabel said "What's the good news?" The doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you." Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?" The doctor said "You're pregnant!" Mabel flew out of his office. She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!" After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another class returned from a trip to a working farm: My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip. "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers." "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?" "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk" "but who said they were called, er, fuckers?" "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?" asked the attendant. "Yes, I'm fine." said the man. Sometime later the attendant noticed the man moaning, and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" "Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "Whats wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men," she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?" "Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and just took a sleeping pill."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

A Letter from Your Computer...

You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and... and... what? Ok...well, will you at least think about it? I'm so embarrassed,

Signed: Your Computer.

A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have stopped laying'" The vet says "really, how do you know?" The farmer says "I just ran over the bastards in me tractor."

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."