General Area

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string notices a horse with a sign that says, "Make me laugh, make me cry, win $1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants. The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular, "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps down the rest of his martini and says, "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!" At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and says, "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!" There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, "And now his brother's a dead ringer, too!" The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he asks. Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears. A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mysteriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing him instantly. Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my brother!" (Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.) An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax problem?" the solicitous bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies the red man. The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the grafitti reads: Electricians do it for the halibut. I have a haddock. Cod, I hate this. The bar explodes into spontaneous applause. A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, "57!" The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the floor beside him. A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door...

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter. Jimmy: "How did you get here?" Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?" Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack." Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

There was this guy who was in the war and during conflict lost a very important part of his anatomy, so he decided he would never be able to get married. Then one day, while he was working at his job at the zoo as keeper of the gorillas, he met this lady and fell in love. They decided to get married, and after three months, she was pressuring him to consumate their marriage. He told her, "tomorrow night." He snuck home the next day while she was out and put a gorilla in the closet. That night, they got in bed and he got up and put the gorilla in bed with his wife. He got up early the next day and sneaked the gorilla back to the zoo. About 3 months later, his wife told him she was pregnant. When it came time for her to have the baby, he was a nervous wreck. When the doctor came out, he said "Is it a boy or a girl?" The doctor said, "We don't know, we can't get the hairy bastard down off the light!"

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, and sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day. Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life. The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time !

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," responded the woman.

Guide to Programming Languages

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create twelve instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "that's me over there."

MODULA-2
After realizing that you can not actually achieve anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place RM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds

PASCAL
Same as Modula-2, except that the bullets are the wrong type and will not pass through the barrel. The gun explodes. The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

MOTIF
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

UNIX
% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o: No such file or directory % ls %

PARADOX
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

REVELATION
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

VISUAL BASIC
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

PROLOG
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

ASSEMBLY
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you load in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets you can not do anything because you have no exception processing ability.

ALGOL
You shoot yourself with a musket. The wound is aesthetically pleasing and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

BASIC
You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

ADA
You shoot your self in lots of places all at the same time and then wait for all the guns to stop. After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.

APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it with fewer characters.

Three guys arrive at the gates of heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter, who asks the first one, have you ever cheated on your wife? No sir, not ever, I was married for 30 wonderful years and I never even looked at another women! replied the man. Very good! said St. Peter, Here is a brand new Mercedes for you to drive here in heaven. To the next guy, have you ever cheated on your wife? Well, said the man, I was married for 40 years and I only cheated on her once. That is not good, replied St. Peter, but since it was only once in 40 years, here is a nice Oldsmobile for you to drive here in heaven. To the 3rd man, Sir, did you ever cheat on your wife? Well, said #3, I was married for 45 years and I only cheated twice, no, three times. You have been a bad boy, said St. Peter, but since you were honest, here is a nice Pinto for you to drive here in heaven. All 3 men drove away in their cars. A few days later the guy in the Pinto pulled up next to the guy in the Mercedes at a stoplight. He looked over and noticed that the man in the Mercedes was crying. So he asked the man, Why are you crying, you have a fine car to drive around here in heaven. You should be happy. Well, I was happy," replied the man, "but at that last light I saw my wife, and she was riding a Bicycle.

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain: "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said. "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your body." "Private, which measurement for you?" "Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!" "That's 720 pounds. Well done private." "What about you, Corporal?" "Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms stretched, sah!" The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. "Very good, corporal." "Sergeant, how about you?" "Tip of me dick to me balls, sah!" "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, sergeant?" "Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

Two farmhands went to a country dance. One of the hands, Joe, had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it. Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell it from a real eye. Bill danced nearly every dance as there was a lot of farmgirls there. Joe just didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to Joe and asked if he had danced with any of the girls. Joe told him that he had not because he was concerned about them saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl sitting across the room and told Joe, "See that good-looking girl over there? She's got a hair-lip and hasn't danced but once or twice. I danced with her once and she's an excellent dancer and real polite. Go over ther and ask her to dance. She won't say anything about your wooden eye." So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over to the hair-lipped girl and asked, "Do you want to dance?" To which she replied in a high pitched hair-lipped voice, "Would I, Would I!!!" To which Joe replied, "Hair-lip, Hair-lip!!!!"

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't." The wife yells, "Then what the fuck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

A well endowed, scantly dressed young woman came in to the yard one day, looking for a part for her car. A younger, country raised, not to worldly, employe went to help her. While she was looking over his car parts, he was looking over hers. His eyes were open with wonderment, examining all her pierced body parts. When her eyes returned to his, she found him staring, open mouthed, at her bare midriff, and a large gold ring piercing her navel. She calmly said, "That's where I hang my air freshener."

Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie." The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had 2 assholes." "What? He had 2 assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!"

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are truthful and virtuous. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

ARIES (Mar. 21 - April 19) - You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick. You like having sex in crowds and switching up on partners.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have lots of determination and work like hell. Most people think you are a snob and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist who loves oral sex.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving in incest.

CANCER (June 20 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are a pussy. Most Leos are bullies; you are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot. Most Leos have herpes.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and money gains are pathetic. Most Libra women are whores. Most Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will screw anything from a witch to a water buffalo. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are shot in the back.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) you are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There was never a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Actual article from the LA Times.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

God was just about finished creating the universe and had a couple of things leftover left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, It'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to; let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it surely seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was... well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms."

P.S. Note to the men:
If any woman ever criticizes you for peeing against a tree, you can reply that it is a God-given right!

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company chek. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company is: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.

It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant and effervescent?" "Having such a popular husband, of course." "Surely there must be more to it than that, madam." "Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc."

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty. "I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking som much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

A priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter!"