General Area

Two sailors on shore leave are walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde, the first sailor asks his friend, "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" The second sailor replies that he has. First: "Have you ever slept with a brunette?" Second: "Why yes, in fact, I've slept with brunettes on several occasions." They walk on a litter farther and see a gorgeous redhead who makes the other two women look dowdy. First: "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and answers slowly, "Not a wink!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of feminity giving him the so-called "glad eye". In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600. "There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days." "Yes," replied the clerk, "but your wife has been here a month."

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there?The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow." The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went. They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85. When they got back to the businessman's office, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your trouble." "Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks." "One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please." "Where's that?" "Brooklyn." "No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a passenger!"

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"

Morning Prayer:

Dear Lord,
So far today, God, I've
done all right. I haven't
gossiped, haven't lost my
temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish,
or over-indulgent.

I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes,
God, I'm going to get out
of bed, and from then on
I'm probably going to need
a lot of help.

Thank you............amen

A father, and son, got into a car accident. The father died and the son was taken to the emergency room to have immediate surgery. When the surgeon walked into the room, the surgeon said "I can't work on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be if his father died?

The answer, the surgeon was his mother! If you got the answer, you don't think the world is run by men, if you didn't, you need to change your thinking!

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three persons: two men and one woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which one would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances, "they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job". "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they turn to the woman for her test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Hugging is healthy. It helps the body's immune system, it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it's invigorating, its rejuvenating it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less then a miracle drug. Hugging is all natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no pesticides, no perservatives, no artificial ingredients and 100 percent wholesome. Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof, nonfattening, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting and , of course, fully returnable!

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!" The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I tried to take a leak yesterday I came three times."

There's a little old lady on the corner, she had both hands holdin' her hat on while the wind blew her skirt up around her face. A dignified Southern Gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old, this hat is brand new!"

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it. As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless. A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt... "Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather slipped her a $500 bill which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money". By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs later that night, and asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them." "Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that thing with your bare hands just as I did your Grandfather's."

Computer Emotion Meanings...

.-] User has one eye
.-) User has one eye
-i Semi-Smiley
-] Smiley blockhead
-% User has beard
-o User singing national anthem
-t User is cross
-: User is mutant
-( Drama
-) Comedy
- User is male
-? User is smoking a pipe
-=) Older user with mustache
-\ Undecided user
-p User is sticking their tongue out (at you!)
-)' User tends to drool
-'| User has a cold
-)8 User is well dressed
-D User talks too much
-\ Popeye smiling face, for people who look like popeye
-# User's lips are sealed.
-o User is shocked
-* User just ate a sour pickle
-)-{8 User is a big girl
-s User after a BIZARRE comment
-o User is surprised
-{ User has a mustache
-| No expression face, 'that comment doesn't phase me'
-:-) User sports a mohawk and admires Mr. T
-% User has beard.
-& User which is tongue-tied
-9 User licking it's lips
-( Sad
-' User spitting out its chewing tobacco
-* User after eating something bitter
-> Hey hey
-X User is wearing a bow tie
-6 User after eating something sour
-0 User is an orator
-7 User after a wry statement
-#| User with bushy mustache
-@ User face screaming
-% User is a banker
-} User wears lipstick
-) Humor (or smiley)
-v Talking head Smiley
-c Bummed out Smiley
-x "my lips are sealed" Smiley
-@ User's beard has permanent wave or was drawn by Picasso
-| "have an ordinary day" Smiley
-e Disappointed Smiley
-< Real sad Smiley
-I Hmm
-( Boo hoo
-8( Condescending stare
-# User's lips are sealed.
-O Uh oh
-Q Smoker
-) User wears glasses
<| User attends an Ivy League school
=) User has two noses
Midget Smiley
) User has a big nose
%)% User has acne
) User's face needs a nosejob, no explanation necessary
n) User with funny-looking right nose
u) User with funny-looking left nose
;-) Winking Smiley
;-\ Popeye gets his lights punched out
'-) User only has a left eye, which is closed
(-: User is left-handed
(-) User needing a haircut
(:-) Smiley big-face
(:-( unSmiley frowning
(:)-) User likes to scuba dive
(:I Egghead
):-( UnSmiley big-face
)8-) Scuba Smiley big-face
{:-) Smiley with its hair parted in the middle
{(:-) User is wearing toupee.
}(:-( User, wearing toupee in wind.
+-(:-) User is the pope
+:-) Smiley priest
,-} Wry and winking
*-( Cyclops got poked in the eye
*:o) User is a Bozo
*<|:-) User is Santa Claus (Ho Ho Ho)
<:I Dunce
<|-)= User is chinese
=:-) User is a hosehead
=:-#} Smiley punk with a mustache....
=:-) Smiley punk-rocker
- Female
-< Mad
%-^ User is Picasso
%-) User is cross-eyed
#-) User partied all night
@-) Person submitting is Cyclops
@:I Turban
-O Birth
-) Hee hee
-D Ho ho
-) User is asleep (boredom)
-P Yuk
0-) User wearing scuba mask
8-) User wears glasses
8 Infinity
8-| Suspense
8-# Death
8:-) Glasses on forehead
8:] Normal smiling face except that User is a gorilla
B-) Horn-rims
B-| User is wearing cheap sunglasses
g-) Smiley with ponce-nez glasses
o-) User is a cyclops
P-) User is getting fresh
[:-) User is listening to Walkman radio
[:|] User is a robot

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...' Bubba laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?"

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office. So as Thibodeaux waited, Boudreaux sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the lady there. "And what was your former occupation?" she asked. "Me, I was a crotch sticher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied. So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week." "Hot damn, you mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted. Then Thibodeaux sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thibodeaux looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was a diesel fitter." She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits." "WAIT A HOT DAMN MINUTE!" Boudreaux shouted. "How come he gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I told you I used to be a crotch sticher; you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you done there. And Thibodeaux here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more than I'm making?" "Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oilfields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got it all wrong. Yeah, Thibo's a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that after I do all the fine work on the lady drawers, he picks them up, looks 'em over and streches them this way and that, and then says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"

FOUR strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old-who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his
position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language." "Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way." "Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service. "I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign. It reads "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES". He pays no attention to it an drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES" and thinks it over. When he drives past a third sign saying "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT", his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business". "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: 'GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY'.

A guy walks into a bar and offers $100 to anybody that will make his horse laugh. One guy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh! The following week, the guy is back in the bar and offers $200 to anybody that will make his horse cry. The guy who won the $100 last week, takes the horse off to the bathroom. The horse returns from the bathroom crying his eyes out! Amazed the horse owner asked the guy how he did it? The guy says: "The first week, I told the horse I have a bigger dick than him and today I showed it to him!"

This farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs. So onemorning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster in an effort to get hishens back into an egg laying mood. He names him Jimmy. That first day Jimmy lays every hen on the farm and at the end of the day the farmer finds Jimmy trying to make it with his horse. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "You've gotta slow down or you're going to kill yourself!" The next day Jimmy lays every hen again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make it with his cow. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "I told you, you better slow down or you're going to kill yourself." The following morning Jimmy lays every hen again, but this time, he lays all the other farm animals as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion. In the middle of all his animals is Jimmy, laying with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Jimmy and says, "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Jimmy opens one eye, looks at the farmer and says, "Shhh... buzzards."

Do you know the advantage of having a Japanese wife? Your in-laws live in Japan

What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife? A prostitute says: "Aren't you done yet?" A mistress says: "Are you done already?" A wife says: "Lets have the ceiling whitewashed."

A bachelor expresses his fear: "Before you know you're married. You whisper a few words at the altar and you're committed for the rest of your life." His friend disagrees: "Don't worry. You mumble a couple of words in your sleep and you're divorced in no-time."

A woman says to her friend, "Today I was in a very generous mood. I gave a poor beggar $25." "What will you husband say about this?", says her friend. "He said: thank you".

A train is approaching the station when suddenly it leaves the track and zigzags through the meadow. After a couple of minutes it returns to the station. The station manager asks the driver: "What happened over there?". Driver: "There was a Pollock walking on the track". Station manager: "That's strictly forbidden! I would have run over him!". "I tried to", said the driver, "But I had go all the way into that meadow to get him".

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant: Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic depressive: It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?", to which God replies: "so that you would find them attractive". Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?". To which God replies: "So that they would find you attractive!"

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

At the end of the third round the boxer says to his trainer: "Do you think I can beat him?". "I'm sure", says the trainer, "If you keep waving your hands through the air like that he will surely get a pneumonia by the end of next round".

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Public service announcements from around the world:

USA: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?"

A letter from mom:

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

A drunk in a bar is bragging about girls: "I wish I had a buck for every girl I ever had sex with". "Why?", says the man mext to him, "Would you like to buy a news paper?"

.A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "Whem I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!". "Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic. "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!". Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"