General Area

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

An Italian needed a couple of gansters for his maffia organisation so he put an ad in the papers. A Mexican, a Japanese and David Letterman saw the ad and decided to respond. They went over to the Italian and had to do three tests to see if they were capable of the job:
1. they had to climb a steep mountain and catch a mountain goat
2. they had to fight a bear and cut of the ears
3. they had to rape a woman
First the Mexican climbed the mountain, but half way to the top he slipped, fell and was killed. Then the Japanese went. He climbed the mountain and caught the goat. Then he fought the bear. A cloud of dust arose but the beat eat him up. Then it was David Letterman's turn. He climbed the mountain and caught the goat. Then he fought the bear. A large cloud of dust arose so nothing could be seen. It went on and went on. A large croud was starting to form. After an hour and a half David Letterman appeared from the cloud and asked the people: "OK, now where's the woman I had to cut off the ears from?".

A man walking along a road in the countryside came across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock". The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal". The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait!", cries the shepherd. "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation". The man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank", says the shepherd. "Amazing!", responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?". "Well", says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you".

The parrot of a farmer has a strange habbit of doing chickens. After a while the farmer gets fed up with this and threatens: "If you try that one more time I will rip all the feathers out of your head. The next ten days everything goes allright, but the eleventh day the parrot can't control himself. The farmer gets furious, rips the feathers out of his head and locks him up in the basement. A couple of days later the farmer invites friends and relatives to the wedding of his daughter. The parrot gets to be the servant. He should direct the people to their places. "Ladies to the left and gentlemen to the right!", cries the parrot when guests arrive. Then Gorbachev and Mitterrand arrive. "Ladies to the left and gentlemen to the right! And you chicken molestors go straight into the basement!".

Patient: Doctor, I want to live for 120 years. What should I do to accomplish that?
Doctor: It's easy. All you have to do is to stay away from alchohol, women, cigarettes, junk food, and gambling.
Patient: Can you guarantee that I will live for 120 years, if I follow those advices?
Doctor: To you sir, it will certainly seem so.

"That's OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later". Then she puts down the receiver. "Who was that?", asks the man lying besides her in bed. "My husband", she replies. "What did he want?". "Nothing, he said he would be home late today. He's somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues".

A woman has has her house rebuild after a heavy storm so she asks her neighbour if she could stay for the night. He agrees. That night they have been in bed for just ten minutes when the woman cries: "Neighbour, neighbour, are you asleep?". "Not yet", answers the neighbour. "I can't sleep because it's a little chilly. Could you close the window for me?", says the woman. The neighbour gets out of bed and closes the window. Ten minutes later the woman again cries: "Neighbour, neighbour, are you asleep?". "No", is the answer. "I can't sleep because it's so hot. Could you open the window for me?". And again the neighbour gets out of bed and opens the window. Ten minutes later again: "Neighbour, neighbour, are you asleep? I'm so cold. Could you get me a blanket out of the cupboard?". "I know something better", says the neighbour. "Let's pretend like we're married". "I'd like that", the woman says. "Allright", says the man, "Then get your lazy butt out of bed and do it yourself!".

Elvis, John Belushi and Al Capone are sitting around in heaven bored of their heavenly lives. They go to see Gabriel and ask him if there was any way they could get out. He apprehensively decides to let them go back to earth for a short while but tells them if they even think of sin, they would go straight to hell. So zap, they are on Hollywood Boulevard. As they are walking, Elvis see's a bar. He thinks for a moment and heads toward the door, the moment he touches it, poof, he is gone. The others think, Gabriel is serious. A little while later John Belushi sees a vile of crack in the gutter. He thinks for a moment and bends over to pick up the vile, poof, Al Capone disappears.

Jack is one horney guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horney but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horney again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".

An old man had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took his wife with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the Dr. told the old man to take off his shirt. The old man turned to the wife and shouted, "What did he say?" and the wife got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" The old man nodded and took his shirt off. The Dr. then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat. The old man shouted, "What?" and the the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." The old man nodded and tilted his head back. When this was all over, the Dr. said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. The old man yelled, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "The Dr. wants your underpants!"

There was a foursome of doctor golfers of which one was a guest. One by one the three were "beeped" to their respective offices so the guest was left alone to finish out his round. When he finished, he went to the locker room. Upon leaving the shower, he heard female voices and he realized he was in the wrong locker. He decided to put a towel over his head so no one would see his face. But as he was running out of the locker room, three women golfers see him. The first one says, "He's not my husband!" The second says, "He's certainly not my husband!" The third one chimes in, "Hell, he isn't even a member of this club!"

Once in the west, in a bar full of low life, two gentlemen with business suites walk in, one of them takes out an antenna fron his hat and starts talking to someone , after a minute when everybody is staring at him he say's "i was just talking into my state of the art cellular hat". Now it was the other guys turn he took out his pen opened the cap and started talking into it , he said " i was just talking into my state of the art cellular pen". all the men in the bar were impressed by the two men, these two gave those bums a look as if saying they are better cause they are richer. In a moment one of the bum burps and says "quick paper anyone, i got a fax coming in"

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer software engineer were riding in an old car when it suddenly coughed, backfired and completely broke down. "It's probably a valve or a piton problem," offered the mechanical engineer. "Nonsense," said the electrical engineer, "it's most certainly either a bad spark plug or faulty ignition." Then the software engineer chimed in brightly, "I know. Let's all get out of the car and get back in again!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided that he would try to make amends and phoned home. After many rings, the wife finally picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinon!"

Twas the night before release date and all through the house, not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in dispair, with hopes that a miracle soon would be there. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of working codes danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a super programmer with a six-pack of beer. His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. On Menu, On Report, On Procedures And Delete, On Monitor, On Batch-jobs, On Functions Complete. His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen A wink of his eyes and a twist of his head, soon made it clear we had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk; And laying his fingers upon the (enter) key, the software came up and worked perfectly. The menues, they menued, the deletes, they deleted, the reports they reported and the batch-jobs completed. He tested each whistle and tested each bell, with nary a stack dump and all had gone well. The software was finished, the tests were concluded, Our users' last minute requests were included. Then the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, IT'S JUST WHAT WE ASKED FOR, BUT NOT WHAT WE WANT!

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never before. Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago-or any time since that I can remember." The woman says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!"

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed." In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated,he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police. In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . .

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped. "Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this." "Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday." Jon says, "Why not Thursday?" The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address. Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car. Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later. All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened. Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road. Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor. Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way." Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?" To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

It was a mid-July day in Peoria, Illinois, and Johnny's mother had invited several of her friends over for dinner. Just before time to eat, she took Johnny aside and told him to say the blessing. "But what'll I say, Mom?" "Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many times." The boy stood with the other folks around the table and when his mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good Lord... why did I invite these people on a hot day like this?"

Definitions..
Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife.
Antelope: How she married my Uncle.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.
Castanets: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend.
Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.
Concert: A breath mint for inmates.
Consist: A growth on an inmate.
Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.
Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his or her pupils.
Decrease: De fold in de pants.
Demote: What de king put around de castle.
Despise: De persons who work for the CIA.
Detention: What causes de stress.
Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.
Dilate: When a person lives longer.
Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.
Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.

Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Good," Amanpreet said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale. The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK

Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that." So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz." Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course." "Do it right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?" Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?" The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?" The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life." Hiram says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Jason said he was at an Irish pub. I wanted a Ham & Tomato toasted sandwich. After about 10 minutes the waitress came back and apologized. "We don't have Ham and Tomato toasted sandwiches but you can have the 'Special'." I asked what was in the Special. "Ham, Tomato, Cheese . . . " Chuck was shopping and saw the Hi-C candy canes. "I thought they'd taste good so I looked at the flavors." The box said there were four: Cherry, Orange, Lemon, and Green. Green???

Jenn says her husband worked with this guy at the high school. The guy wanted to measure the wall and he asked Mike (my husband) for some assistance. Mike said, "why not use the yardstick over there?" The guy looked at Mike and, very serious, said, "I can't use that. The wall is longer than the yardstick." Michele's son (must be "son" day, huh?) was attending the Cub Scout meeting. One of the other parents there asked what was going to happen Thanksgiving week-was there going to be a meeting or not. The Scout Leader replied, (no kidding), "We'll just have to see what day Thanksgiving falls on this year."