General Area

A group of men were discussing there wives.... when Rick spoke up..."Well, I have no problem, my Wife is an angel." "Oh," said Bob, "you're lucky ...mine is still alive."

Contributed by Jackie Berdanier

Trojan, lying on physchitrist couch: " I SAID, DOC, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY NOBODY LIKES ME, AND WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU PAY ATTENTION IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU BIG DICKHEAD!!

Contributed by Jackie Berdanier

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
UNLAWFUL is to comit a crime..
ILLEGAL is a sick bird......

Contributed by Jackie Berdanier

A priest and a nun were walking through Ireland one day when it started to get dark. The nun said "Father we've got to find some place to spend the night" Father said "look there is a farm house over there. Maybe they can put us up for the night." The farmer says "Sure. I've got a room but it only has a double bed. Is that OK?" Father says "Well Sister what do you think?" The nun says "I think we are mature enough to handle this Father." So they go to bed and in a little while the priest says "Sister I"m so cold" And Sister says" I'll get you another blanket Father." A little while later the priest says" It's no good Sister I'm still cold. Do you think we could make believe we're married?" he nun says "Sure Father. Go get your own fucking blanket!!!!"

Contributed by ( Never gave their name)

What did the blonde say when asked "how many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A:i guess just 2,but i don't know how they get in there.

Contributed by ( Never gave their name)

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend??? about 45 mins!!

Contributed by Debbie Roberts

Mom's Letter to Redneck Son

Dear Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom

Contributed by

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school.  Both come from good families.  Both are equally attractive and well spoken.  It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"  In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.  "I don’t understand why I was rejected.  When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.  What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands?  What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!"

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to conside carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

John never got a reply.

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.  He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.  Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.  "Doc," he says, "I'm worried.  It's that dream.  I'm having it again." "What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention. "You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia.  Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains that they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist. "Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2.00 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

What do a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Two dogs were out walking through the park when one told the other that his humans had thrown him out of the house. "What for?" his companion asked. "For pissing on the rug." "Big deal. They piss in your water bowl, don't they?"

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "How do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a grad student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a grad student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a grad student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"

Why are educators so concerned about the graduating class of economists? Because the majority believe Prozac ended the great depression.

It seems Bill Gates was seen in the company of Divine Brown. She charged him the basic rate, plus $99.95 for the upgrade, manual and customer support.

The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed, "What happened, honey?" "Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

What goes "Clip, clop, bang, bang, clip, clop?" An Amish drive-by shooting.

Two men on death row were scheduled for back to back executions. On the appointed day, the warden asked each if he had a last request. "Yes, sir," the first man said. "I'd really like to hear 'Achy Breaky Heart' one last time." "And you?" the warden asked the other. "Please," the second man pleaded, "kill me first."

An Eskimo brought his disabled snowmobile to a mechanic for service. "Looks like you blew a seal," the grease monkey said. "Oh, no, no," the Eskimo replied, "that's just frost on my mustache."

The beautiful mistress of the house told James, the butler, that she and her much older husband would be out very late that night. He was free to retire early if he liked. Arriving home alone, and much earlier than expected, the mistress called James to her bedroom. "Please close the door," she said. He secured it behind him. "Now take off my dress," she said. He did so. "Now my bra and panties." He obeyed. As the tension in the room mounted, she fixed him with a stare. "Now," she commanded, "don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

The novice parachutist desperately clawed at his reserve chute when his main chute failed to open. At 10,000 feet, falling helplessly to earth, he met a woman coming up. "Do you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted franticly. "No!" she yelled. "Do you know anything about gas ovens?"

A New Jersey suburbanite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel to Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want -- your wildest fantasies -- for $100. But you have to tell me in three words." The man thought for a moment and replied, "Ok. Paint my house."

Two tribesmen, depressed over recent laws fobidding the practice of cannibalism, were strolling through the jungle when they came upon an abandoned archaeological dig. One noticed a stack of Playboys left behind by the departed scientists and began stuffing the pages into his mouth. "What are you doing?" his astonished friend asked. "Try it," the first man urged, handing over a centerfold. "This dehydrated stuff is pretty good."

Rumor has it that the American Kennel Club's latest newsletter reports the developement of a new breed of dog, half pit bull and half collie. After it rips your arm off, it runs for help.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. "Whatya do that fer?" he asked. "Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A man walked up to the counter of an auto parts store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo." "Sure," the clerk replied. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."

A visitor was being shown around the farmhouse. "Built this place with my own hands -- the hard way," the farmer boasted. "See the floor? Didn't use no nails; whole thing is dovetailed. The hard way, don't you know. See the ceiling? Didn't use no columns; hangs from a flying beam." Just then, the farmer's striking daughter walked into the room. The visitor arched his eyes quizzically at his host. "Yup," the farmer said. "Standing up in a canoe."

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?

What do politicians and porn stars have in common? They're both experts at changing positions in front of the camera.

Why can't midget women use tampons? They keep tripping over the strings.

Bubba and Hoss, two neighboring farmers, were having a beer and talking after a long hard day in the fields. "My mule's feelin' poorly and running a fever," Bubba said. "What did you give that old mule of yours when he got sick?" "I gave him cottonseed oil," Hoss replied. A few days later Bubba spotted Hoss in the field and said, "Hey, I gave my mule that cottonseed oil, and it killed him!" "Yep," Hoss muttered. "It killed mine, too!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.

What's the definition of an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwartzeneggar? They're trying to create a bullet-proof Kennedy.

What's the difference between a nun and a nurse? A nun serves only one god.

What does a Deadhead say when he runs out of pot? "This music sucks."

Three monks are deep in the Himalayas, meditating. One year passes in silence, then one of them says, "Pretty cold here." Another year passes and the second monk says, "You're right. It is cold." Another year goes by and the third monk says, "If you two don't stop your bitching, I'm gonna leave."

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, "please let her be having an affair."

Dog breeders have developed a hybrid that's part poodle and part pit bull. It doesn't attack, but it's a vicious gossip.

How do you get three little old ladies to say "Fuck?" Have another little old lady scream, "Bingo!"

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? It's ass.

Why can't gang members become doctors? It's too hard to spray paint a prescription.

How would you locate O.J. Simpson on the internet? Type slash, slash, backslash, slash. . . escape.

What has four legs and works at McDonalds? The rest of Nirvana.

How did Captain Hook die? Crotch itch.

After a long, hard day on the road the traveling salesman stopped at a farm and knocked on the door. "Excuse me, sir," he said to the farmer, "but is there any possibility that I might stay for the night?" The farmer scratched his head. "Y'can," he said, "but it'll be a little cramped. Ya'll have to sleep with my son, Luke." The salesman frowned. "Just my luck," he said. "I come all this way and I'm in the wrong damned joke."

Jack Kevorkian recently applied for a gun permit. Do you know what this means? It means that the drive-thru is now open.

What do you get when you cross an artist with a really rude person? Vincent van Go Fuck Yourself.

How are an actor and a rabbi different? You might want to take a look at the actor's collection of clippings. . .

Did you hear about the hemophiliac who tried to cure himself with acupuncture?

The man says to his hair stylist, "My hair is falling out. What can I use to keep it in?" The stylist replies, "Might I suggest a shoebox?"

At a United Nations cocktail party, the Mexican ambassador walked over to a group of his colleagues. "Pardon me," he said, "but what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American scratched his head. "What shortage?" The Pole frowned. "What's meat?" The Russian shrugged. "What's an opinion?" And the Israeli demanded, "What's 'pardon me'?"

After hearing a shot, Todd ran next door and found his friend Jason crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Todd asked. Jason sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Todd said, "My God! Was he mad?" Jason replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly thrilled."

What happens when you drink red wine with fish? The fish tend to get very abusive.

Two morons went hunting in the woods. Before long, however, they realized that they had no idea how to get back to civilization. "Not to worry," one of them said. "When you're lost, all you have to do is fire three shots into the air." They did so and waited. An hour later they did it again and still, no one came. Finally they decided to try a third time. "This better work," one man said to the other. "These are our last three arrows."

Why doesn't Saddam Hussein get hemorrhoids? Because he's a perfect asshole.

What do you call an attractive woman in Russia? A tourist.

Two men walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.

What do alligators eat? Valu-jet passengers.

Why are sheep really better than women?
1) No gag reflex.
2) Nuttin' beats mutton!
3) They don't want to settle down.
4) Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5) Doesn't care about attention given to it's siblings.

Bumper Stickers

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Grow your own dope . . . plant a man.
Jesus loves you! (everyone else thinks you're an asshole)
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
Thank God for the I.R.S.; Without them, I'd be stinking rich!
I don't suffer from insanity . . .I enjoy every minute of it!
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Defecation eventuates.

Parent's Dictionary
1)Amnesia: A condition causing a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
2)Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
3)Full Name: What you yell at your child when you're mad at him.
4)Independent: What we want our child to be as long as they do everything we say.
5)Look Out!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
6)Ow! or I'm telling!: The first words spoken by children with older siblings.
7)Show Off: Any child more talented than yours.
8)Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
9)Two Minute Warning: When the babies face turns red and it begins to make those familiar grunting sounds.
10)Whoops: An exclamation that roughly translates into "Bring me a fuckin' sponge!"

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain? It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it!

A southern woman on a trip up north stops in for a drink at a local bar. She asks a group of women sitting near her, "Where y'all from?" One of the women says, "Were from someplace where we don't end our sentences in prepositions." The southern woman replies, "Ok, where y'all from, bitch?"

What's the difference between pussy and parsley? Nobody eats parsley.

After taking his seat on a plane, a businessman was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him. When the man asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, the parrot squawked, "And while you're at it, get me a whiskey, you cow!" Though insulted, the flustered stewardess dutifully brought back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgot the coffee. As she turned to correct the omission, the parrot drained it's glass and squawked, "And get me another whiskey, you bitch." The rattled attendant came back with another whiskey, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decided to try the parrot's approach. "Look," he snapped, "I've asked you twice for coffee and twice you've come back without it. Now go get it or I'll smack you one." Moments later both he and the parrot were wrenched from their seats by two burly stewards. As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the passenger and hollered, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.

Why was the Masters golf tournament Rodney King's favorite TV show? Because he got to see a black guy beat a bunch of white guys with a club.

What happened when the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took him a half hour to get the drummer out.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a supermarket bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous to children; the other is used for carrying groceries.

What's written on Karen Carpenter's tombstone? I STILL THINK YOU CAN'T BE TOO RICH.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? No one cries when you cut an accordion in half.

What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? A sadist has newer magazines.

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?" "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." "Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked. "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him. "Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?" "A rose?" offered the neighbor. "Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway-department truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and got back in the truck. Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half- dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doin'?" he asked. "We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."

What's a good sign you're on a great first date? You ask her to dance and she climbs up on the table.

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas and an Indian comes along on a horse and gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yaaaaa-Hooo!," and gallops off. "My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?" "Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn." "Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

What's the difference between the United States and Eastern European countries? The United States still has a communist party.

A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud knock at the door. The man answers and finds a 6 foot stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the hell is this?" he shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious attack in a flurry of kicks and punches - then leaves. The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but is naturally not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries. Finally, one day he tells a doctor what happened but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is sympathetic. "I understand," he says, "there's a nasty bug going around at the moment..."

Thad's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Thad enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son," his dad replied. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce the name of this place?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?" The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?" "We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?" The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!" "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!" "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she to the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come".

A banjo player and an accordion player were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst, and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they saw that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The accordion player blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. "Great move," said the banjo player in disgust. "It was bad enough before; now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppy was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaawd..." replied the yuppy, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!!!!"

There are three bunny rabbits living in the forest, named Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot. They were happily bounding around the forest when one day Foot states that he isn't feeling well. Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot take him to visit the doctor. Foot goes into the office and a few hours pass. Finally, the doctor comes out and speaks to Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot. Doc says, "I'm afraid it doesn't look good for your friend Foot." As expected, several days later Foot passes away. Again, Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot are happily bounding around the forest. Suddenly, Foot-Foot doesn't feel good, so Foot-Foot-Foot takes him to the doctor. Doc gives Foot-Foot an extensive examination, and when finished says to Foot-Foot-Foot, "I'm afraid it's the same diagnosis as Foot...I don't expect him to make it." Foot-Foot-Foot is deeply concerned and says, "Doc, you gotta do something...I've already got one Foot in the grave!"

Three men were due to be executed one day -- one American, one British and one Irish. The American was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, "Tornado!" The guards all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall. Next in line was the British guy, now confident that he too will be able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, "Flood!" The guards turned around and he too managed to escape. Now was the turn of the Irish man, wondering what disaster he could use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were about to shoot, he shouted, "Fire!"

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. "May I help you, sir?" The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some fertilizer for my lawn." So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertilizer. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag." "Why is that?" "The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered. "Fine, " the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder." "Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?" Rake? What do I need that for?" "Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil." "All right then. I'll get the stiff rake." "Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?" The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, "Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertilizer. What do I need a sprinkler for?" Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood." This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. "OK, then. I'll take all this." "Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that," asked the supervisor. Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. "LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertilizer. You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!" Calm as ever, the supervisor said, "Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbors! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way." Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!" "Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you." After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could do that?" The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer. The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?" The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife." Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! "Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?" "Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?" "Well sir," the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass."

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself. They watched him for quite awhile until finally one of the boys said, "I wish I could do that." The other little boy said "He'd bite you."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A guy's walking down the street and sees little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

A man and his daughter were on their way home by train. The train got hijacked. Everyone on the train was instructed to empty their pockets and take off their jewelry. The daughter said, "Dad, give me your money and your jewelry. I'm going to hide it." The dad did so. The robbers searched everyone but did not find the jewelry. After they got off they got off the train the dad ask his daughter where she hided the jewelry. At first she would not say. After an hour of her father's begging she said she hid it in her pussy. Then the father said, "Too bad your mom wasn't here. We could have hid the luggage too."

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Nurse! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant." He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front line in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

What do tight pants and a Southern Baptist church have in common? No ball room.

Why do animal activists worry so much about the use of fur and not leather? Because it's safer to harass rich old ladies than bikers.

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The location of the dirtbag.

After a long, hot ride across the plains, the Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped to have a beer in a small town saloon. They tied their horses up, went in and ordered themselves a round. A short while later a cowpoke came in and asked who the white horse outside belonged to. The Lone Ranger turned and said, "He's mine." The man said that he should get his horse some water and shade because the horse wasn't looking too good. The Ranger said he'd take care of it. Some time (and a few more beers) had passed when another man came in, asked about the white horse and gave the same advice about water and shade. The Lone Ranger then told Tonto to go outside and run around and around the animal to cool him down. The Indian went outside. After a few minutes another cowboy came in and inquired about the owner of the horse. The Lone Ranger, a bit irritable now, replied, "He belongs to me! So what?" "Calm down," the cowboy said, "I just wanted to tell you that you left your injun runnin' ."

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he asked the nurse, "is it nighttime?" The nurse replied, "No, it's just that there's a three-alarm fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up thinking the operation wasn't successful."

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo? A Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the scientific name. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.