General Area

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil. "Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started." Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually youwould have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" The American laughed and said, "That's the best part When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions, senor? Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return.  The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you.  I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH?  Really?  WERE you???"

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.  After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

While attending confession, the first of three roommates admitted to the priest that she had let a man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them in holy water. The second roomie confessed that she had touched a man's penis. The priest told her to wash her hands in holy water. The two girls were busy washing at the font when their friend joined them. "Move over girls," she said. "I have to gargle."

Why do men love cars better than women? Because there's a better chance that their cars will turn over in the morning.

Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp? When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedys.

After meeting in a bar, the couple returned to the woman's apartment for a nightcap. Before long, things turned passionate and the pair headed for the bedroom, clothes flying as they went. Ten minutes later, the woman suddenly shot straight up in bed. "On my god," she cried. "My husband's coming!" "Shit!" the fellow exclaimed, trying to find his trousers. "Where's the back door?" "There is no back door," she replied. "Well," the man said, "where would you like one?"

Striking out again at the town dance, Ned began his long, lonely walk back to the farmhouse. When he was halfway home, the rounded, moonlit sides of the pumpkins in the fields reminded the horny fellow of so many shapely bare asses. Settling down next to one of the ripening vegetables, he cut a hole in the side and began to get physical with it. "Hey, pal," a voice said, "what the hell are you doin' with that pumpkin?" Ned bolted upright, saw the policeman's glinting badge, and thinking quickly, blurted, "Pumpkin? Christ, is it mindnight already?

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think guys actually care.

What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? You let the pit bull finish.

A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind." The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."

An elderly couple were watching television one night when the husband said, "Doris, inflation has eaten up our Social Security checks. The next ones aren't due for another week and we don't have enough money for food. I hate to suggest this, but you're going to have to go out on the street and hustle." "Hustle? Me?" she exclaimed. "But I'm 78!" "It's the only way," her husband concluded sadly. Resigned to the situation, the old woman went out onto the streets and didn't come staggering home until early the next morning. "Here," she said, "I made $3.05." "Three dollars and five cents! Who gave you a nickel?" "Everybody," she replied.

What's another term for lesbian? Vagitarian.

What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night when two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start raping them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does."

What Dickens character liked to squeeze tits? David Coppa-feel.

Why is a defense contractor like a hooker? The both charge $100 for a screw.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it.

What's the definition of a diaphragm? A trampoline for dickheads.

What's a birth control pill? The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from becoming pregnant.

After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his ladylove, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt. "Relax, Howard," he told himself. "You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." "No," another inner voice scolded, "but you're a veterinarian!"

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?" "I'm not really sure." "Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Extra-large condoms to the checkout. Extra-large condoms to the checkout." A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left. A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked. "Sure, but what size do you need?" "Well, I don't know." "Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout. Large condoms to the checkout." The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left. Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl at the checkout. "Yep," she said, "what size do you need?" "I don't know," he replied. She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout."

A young lady on vacation headed for the deck of the hotel's roof for some sun. Since no one was around, she slipped off her bathing suit to get an overall tan. Lying on her stomach, nearly asleep, she heard someone running up the stairs and quickly grabbed a towel. "Excuse me, miss," the flustered hotel manager panted. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunning on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you weanng your bathing suit." "What difference does it make? No one can see me up here." "Not quite true," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he might, he couldn't get it to go down. Finally he went to his local pharmacy, where he encountered a female pharmacist. "I'd like to speak to a male phamacist," he said. The woman replied, "I'm a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us." "Ok," he said. "I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?" "Hmmm," she replied. "I'll go into the back and confer with my sister." After a minute, she returned to the counter and said, "We'll give you $25,000 and half the business."

The beautiful princess frequently wandered through the woods searching for an enchanted frog who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell. One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it up, she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?" "Yes, I am, " the frog said. "But it's a hell of a spell. It'll probably take a blow job."

While teaching a course in human sexuality, an instructor was discussing results published in the Kinsey Report. The class members gasped audibly when she explained that one woman had had several hundred orgasms in a single session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?" A female voice followed. "The hell with that! Who was he?"

A little girl and her mother go toy shopping. The little girl wants a Barbie and a G.I. Joe. Her mother says, "You can get a Barbie, but no G.I. Joe. Barbie comes with Ken. The little girl says, "Barbie only fakes it with Ken, mommy. She comes with G.I. Joe."

What's more profitable, a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse? A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fucking overhead.

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything else and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?" "Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered." This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?" "Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered." Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive." "Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.

Jon, a somewhat simple minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went into a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him, "Sure we can pamper you enough, but as to how much is dependent onto how much money you have with you." Looking into his wallet Jon stated, "Well all I have is $10." Laughing, the madam exclaimed, "Well for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself." Looking a bit depressed, and obviously let down having expected more, Jon went outside. After a few minutes, he returned. A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him, "What are you doing back here?!" Jon said, "I'm finished and would like to pay. "

Why is sex like air? It's no big thing unless you're not getting any.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender tells them that no dogs are allowed. The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about dogs," to which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims, "Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer!" They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation. After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 bill to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and let him keep the $20 for his trouble. The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar. When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him. The man runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle. Shocked, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!" The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before!"

When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

A man comes home and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He grabs the stranger, drags him into the garage, puts the guy's dick in a vise that's mounted on a huge metal workbench, and locks the vise tight. He then runs into the house and comes back with a very old, very rusty, very dull razor blade. The stranger says, "You're not gonna cut off my prick are you?" The man smiles and says, "No, I'm going to set the garage on fire. You're gonna cut off your prick."

A woman decides to get artificially inseminated. She goes into the doctor's office, and he starts taking off his clothes. "What are you doing?," she says. The doctor says, "I'm all out of that bottled stuff, so you're gonna have to settle for draft."

What's the definition of a nice Greek boy? A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before he fucks her brother.

The wife says, "Harry, you're a sex maniac." Harry says, "Get out of this bed, and take your fucking sisters with you."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding."

Norris has a date to meet a hunchback on the beach. He gets there at the arranged time, and she isn't there yet. So, he occupies himself while he's waiting for her. He waits, and waits, and after a few hours it's obvious she's not coming. On the way home, Norris says to himself, "She stood me up. Damn. I had the hole dug and everything."

Harry goes up to a whore and says, "How much for a blow job?" She says, "A hundred bucks." He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred. Then he starts to jack off. She says, "What are you doing that for?" He says, "For a hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade.

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her." The boss says, "You fuck your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

What's a female bisexual? A lesbian with car trouble.

What do you call a pregnant virgin? A fucking liar.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
2nd: "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
1st: "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! "
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Old man: "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
Clerk: "That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! "
Old man: "Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"

A NY Jewish Princess complains to her friend that her husband, when he comes, he screams and shouts. "That's great, what's wrong with it ?" asks her friend. "He wakes me up."

George took his friend John to town. They visited some bars and had a good time. John saw a beautiful girl and asked his friend if he knew who she was. "Yes, that's Dolores. $ 30.00." "And that one over there ?" "That's Jane, $45.00." "And who's that girl, sitting over there ?" "She's Gloria, $ 40.00." "My God, aren't there any nice and decent girls in this town ?" "Sure", George replied, "but they're too expensive for a guy like you."

A lady went to her minister to ask his advice about her upcoming wedding. "I'd like to wear white at my wedding, but I'm not sure if it's OK to do so. I've been married 3 times before, but I'm still a virgin." The minister looks at her and says "You're still a virgin???? How is that possible????" She says, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it." "My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it." "And my third husband was a gourmet"

A young couple hadn't been married for long when, one morning, the man came up behind his wife as she got out of the shower and grabbed her by the butt. "Y'know, honey, " he said smugly, "if you firmed these up a little bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Her feelings were so hurt that she refused to speak to him for the rest of the day. Only a week later he again stepped into the bathroom just as she was drying off from the shower. Grabbing both breasts,he said, "now,honey, if you firmed these up a bit,you wouldn't have to keep wearing a bra." The young wife was infuriated, but had to wait till the next morning to exact her revenge. Waiting till her husband stepped out of the shower, she grabbed him by the penis and hissed "Y'know, honey, if you firmed this up a little bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

Why do Rednecks have sex doggy style? So they both can watch wrestling.

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He`d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail road tracks one day,he hears this whistle-Whooee da Whoee! but doesen`t know what it is. Predictably,he`s hit-but,only a glancing blow-and is thrown,ass-overtea-kettle,to the sideof the tracks, with some minor internal injuries,a few broken bones,and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering,he`s at his friend`s house attending a party,one evening. While in the kitchen,he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling . He grabs a baseball bat from the nerby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend,hearing the ruckus,rushes into the kitchen,sees what`s happened and asks the dessert man: "Why`d you ruin my good the kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man,you gotta kill these things when they`re small."

Dr.Seuss explains computers
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situsion's hopeless and your system's gonna crash. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as i'm a poet,the suckers gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

There was this man out playing golf one day and this genie pops up out of the rough. The genie tell this man that he has three wishes he needs to give away. The man replied that he really didn`t need anything. That his golf scores were pretty good and that he had just got through paying all his bills although he didn`t have any money left over he had had enough. He was really satisfied how things were going. So he went on and finished his round and the genie hid again in the rough but nobody else came by and it was getting late. The genie decided that the man he had met earlier had been pretty nice so he would just go ahead and grant him three whishes. He decided that everyone could use a better golf score so he granted him the wish to improve his game. The genie thought some more and dicided that he knew this man didn`t have a lot of money so he granted him the wish to have some money left over the next time he paid his bills. The genie thought some more and dicided that their wasn`t a man around that didn`t need a better sex life so he granted him that wish also. About a month had went by and this genie see this man playing golf again. He ask how things were going. The man replied that things were good. Since the last time he had seen the genie his golf score had improved and that he had just got through paying his bills and had some money left over. He also said that he had a sex life like he had never had before and that he guessed he would have to leave the priesthood.

Summary of the world-with only 100 people
If we could at this time shrink the earth`s population to a village of precisely 100 with all existing human ratios remaining the same,it would look like this:
There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere(North & South America),and 8 Africans. Seventy would be non-white, 30 white. Seventy would be non-christian, 30 christian. Fifty percent of the entire world would be in the hands of only 6 people, and all 6 would be citizens of the United States. Seventy would be unable to read, 50 would suffer from malnutrition, and 80 would live in sub-standard housing.
Only 1 would have a college education. When one considers our world from such an incredibly compressed perspective, the need for both tolerance and understanding becomes glaring apparent."

How God created the world

IN THE BEGINNING
(to justify Gods ways to the 21st century)
#In the beginning was the computer. And god said
:Let there be light
#You have not signed on yet.
:God
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m.,Sunday,March 1.
Let there be light.
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m.,Sunday,March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m.,Monday,March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again. :Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m.,Monday,March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m. Tuesday,March 3.
#Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string spesification! Try again.
:Create dryland
#Done.
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday,March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m. Wednesday,March 4.
:Create lights in the firmanent to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, moon, Stars.And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m.,Wednesday,March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday,March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done
:Create fowl.
#Done
:Run fish`nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after it`s kind and every winged fowl after it`s kind. 0errors
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday,March 5.
#Approx funds remaining: $45:00.
#and God signed on at12:00 a.m.,Friday,March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done!
:Create creepy things.
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type! Try again
:Create man
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands! Try again
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated 5 errors
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors
:Copy woman from man
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert women into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again
:Insert man into woman
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man`nwoman being fruotful and multiplying in the Garden..
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man`nwoman being fruitful and multiplaying in the Garden.
#Warning no time limit on this run. 1 errors
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cansel, or ask for help
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed
#Enter replacement, cansel, or ask for help
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man`nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Garden
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors
:Create good`nevil.
#Done
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man`nwoman not in Gard.En
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man`nwoman.
#Search failed
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS:COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. you must destroy old files before new ones can be created
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth. Please confirm
:Destroy earth.confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God sign off at 11:59 p.m.,Friday,March 6.
#And God saw that he had zero funds remaining

Farmer takes his female pigs to the farmer next door to breed them. While they`re doing their thing he asks his neighbor how he can tell if "it took". The neighbor informs him that if the pigs roll in the grass, it took, and if they roll in the mud, it didn`t take. The next morning, all the female pigs are rolling in the mud so the farmer takes them back for a second try. Again, they roll in the mud. So, again he loads them in the truck and takes them to the next farm. The next morning he asks his wife if she can see the pigs She can. He asks if they`re rolling in the grass or in the mud. She says no, they`re in the back of the truck, and one of'em blowin' the horn...

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says,"Bartender! I whant to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down After she`s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will by a lady a drink?" Once again , the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy that ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It`s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies,"Sir in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A few days before christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he`s looking for! A beutiful parrot named chet that sings christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agreeds that chet certainly is pretty, but doesn`t seem to much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under chets left foot. Immediatly chet starts singing "silent night, holy night" The husband is very impressed with chets singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath chets right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle bells, jingle all the way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he`ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrots special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chets left foot and the bird sings"Silent night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of"Jingle bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mishievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chets legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the birds legs, and the bird begins to sing... "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire!"