General Area

Things adults learn from kids

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect) .

Contrubited by Majvor Rosen

The traffic on the main highway along side Andrews Air Force Base, where Air Force One lands, is backed up for miles. A State Trooper moves from car to car explaining the situation The driver rolls down his window as the trooper approaches. "Soory, Sir, but it seems that President Clinton is upset over all the hooplah over Monica Lewinsky and, the impeachment hearings. He`s doused himself with gasoline and is threatening to set himself on fire unless the House stops the hearings!" "Oh my God, that`s horrible. How long do you expect traffic to be backed up?" The state Trooper smiles. "Until we can find a match."

A man finds a bottle on the beach opens the bottle and a genie appears. I will grant you a wish says the genie. The man pulls out a map from his pocket and shows the genie the state of Israel on the map He tells the genie "I would like peace to this little country from it`s neighbors" The genie tells him thats too tall an order "What else could he wish for? He thinks a moment and asks to get oral sex from his wife that night! The genie thinks a moment and asks to see the Map of Israel again!

To weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and i wasn`t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me She didn`t even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.I said, well,Thats wives for you. The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word When i started to the office i was feeling pretty low and despondent. As i walked into my office, Janet said. Good Morning, Boss--Happy Birthday and I felt a little better someone Had remembered.I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said you know it`s such a beautiful day outside and it`s your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me I said, by George, thats the greatest thing i have heard all day. Let`s go. We went to lunch.We didn`t go where we normally go we went out into the country to a little private place We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, you know, It`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do you ? I said,no,I guess not. She said, Let`s go to my appartment.After arriving at her appartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, Boss,If you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.I allowed her to do so as i didn`t mind at all.She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday, and there I sat...with nothing on but my socks...

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill Bill wake up". Bill stays sleeping.Hillary continues,"Bill, Bill wake up" Bill finaly wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds,"I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says,"Please tell me you didn`t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says,"No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Little Johnny and his dad were out in the garden one day when they spotted a little bird lying on it`s back with it`s wings spread out and it`s legs sticking stiffy upwards "Daddy, daddy,"sniffed little Johnny," whats happened to the birdie?" Gently , the father explains that the little bird was old and tired so it lay down and ask God to take it to heaven, which he did, and now it was dead. Little Johnny is happy that the bird died so peacefully and they both bury it in a quiet corner of the garden Next day when his daddy is comming home from work, little Johnny rushes to meet him at the gate "Daddy, daddy" he cries,"mommy almost died today." "Wha...What happened?" asked his father in despair. "Well," says little Johnny,"today I woke early from my nap and came downstairs. I went into the lounge and mommy was lying on the couch stark naked with her arms stretched out and her legs in the air shouting,'OH GOD I`M COMING"', and if MISTER Wilson from next door hadn`t been lying on top of her, I think she would have went!"

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the pearly gates. After knocking at the gates, St.Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St.Peter. "Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton." "And what do you whant?" asked St.Peter. "Lemme in !." replied Clinton "Soooo," pondered Peter." What bad things did you do on earth. Clinton thought a bit and answered,"Well, I snoked marijuana-but you shouldn`t hold that against me because I didn`t inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn`t hold that against me because I didn`t really have sexual relations. And I lied,but I didn`t commit perjury." After severel moments of deliberation St.Peter replied, "OK,here's the deal.We'll send you someplace where it is very hot,but we won`t call it hell.'You`ll be there for an indefinite period of time,but we won`t call it eternity. And don`t 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don`t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.The doctor told the husband that they couldn`t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However,the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. she looked more beutiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

1.All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous
All that Glitters is not Gold

2.Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
Beggers cannot be choosers.

3.Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
Dead men tell no tales.

4.Neophite`s serendipity.
Begginer`s luck

5.A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
A rolling stone gathers no Moss.

7.Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
Birds of a feather flock together.

8.Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity
Beauty is only skin-deep.

9.Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to rectitude. cleanliness is next to Godliness.

10.It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid
Don`t cry over spilt milk.

12.Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion
Spare the rod and spoil the child

13.The stylus is more potent than the rapier
The pen is mightier than the sword.

14.It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers
You cant teach an old dog new tricks.

15.Surveillance should precede saltation
Look before you leap

16.Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim. (not a proverb)
Twinkle twinkle little star

17.The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation
One who laughs the last, laughs the best

18.Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
All work and no play makes Jack(?)a dull boy.

19.Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles
Those who live in glass houses shuld cast no stones

20.Where there are visible vapors having their proveniance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
Where there is smoke, there will be fire.

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year`s resolutions:
1.You reuse last year`s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2.You steal light bulbs from your neighbor`s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if the neighbor`s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3.You have dressed a dog or a cat as Santa Claus elf helper or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4.You put out last year`s stale candy canes for children (1 points for each piece of sticky candy). if you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points

5.You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale`s or other prestige box to impress your friends(5 points for each infraction).

6.You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on a Christmas day(5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), you are stuck in a phone booth

7.At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home(5 points, 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8.You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points

9.After an invitation to a friend`s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.(5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10.Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no(20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful chocking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast The first Texan said to the other "Think we ought to help?" "Yep,"said the second Texan. The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. "Can you speak?" he asked She shook her head no again. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt.She was so shocked she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe,with great relief. The first Texan turned back to his friend and said,"Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time

Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking.  She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.  She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey". After about a week, I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.  "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,  the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of mine!"

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she will die.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes, sir ... what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow ... that's really big." "Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "Hows about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 ... double D." "Wow ... that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well ... I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes, sir ... what size?" "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied. "Wow ... that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she crooned. "Yes, ma'am, I spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir, what size?" "Nine and five-eights." "Wow ... that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." Well, the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money ... she asked, "Sir could I ask you a ... question?" "Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is ... and the answer is ... four inches." She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across, ma'am?"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!" "Because I want to stay up here with you!"

Lorne meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, she still lived with her parents, but they were out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when Lorne walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, Lorne turns to her and asks "So ... how was I?" She says "....Well, ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

Mick went to the KFC and ordered two buckets of chicken.  One extra crispy and one regular.  Judi behind the counter said they weren't allowed to sell a whole bucket of extra crispy because they were promoting their regular chicken.  Then Judi offered, "But I can sell you a bucket with 1/2 crispy and 1/2 regular!"  Mick said, "Ok, sell me two of those."

Sushi was playing some poker recently and laid down the winning hand.  "One of my friends asked, 'How did you get four queens?'  I replied, 'I hang around gay bars.'"

Peter dated Judi one time.  They were all eating some chicken wings and Judi, dead serious, asked, "What part of the chicken do the 'chicken wings' come from?"

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.  When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.  They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.  As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.  Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.  He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.   Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.  So, what she did is this:  she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."  Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.  So, what he did next was awesome.  He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents.

A priest and a minister walked into a bar.  After sitting down,  ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there  are no women in this bar?"  He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar." A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do.  The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear.  The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks.  What did you tell him?" The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.  The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"  The groom says "I'll look for a bug."  He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!"  Under the rug was a disc with four screws.  He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".  The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.  The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.  In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the  boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh?  What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night.  Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. They clear off the bed and go at it. Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?" She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"  Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor.  The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow!  Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.  If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.  The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting. The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back.  There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.  The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third guy started, "I was an undertaker.  One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection.  I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that.  So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down."  He paused.  The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"  The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.  All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.  When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."   A little later they ask to see the baby again.  Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries."  And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.  "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah !  That's a good idea." the fellow said.  "Please bring up a postcard."

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.  Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."