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"Lord, let my words be gracious and tender today, for tomorrow I may have to eat them"

Contrubited by Jackie Berdanier ( This one is for you babe...)

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave President Clinton. In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "Regret cannot  remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery. Her reply was: "My computer keeps telling me 'You've got mail'

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?" Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill. The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma." "Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?" "Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill, "and a damn cheap one too!"

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening. When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child, the bathing suit for the woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure. Boned, trussed, and reinforced, those swim suits were not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job. Today, stretch-fabric bathing suits are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped out of marble. The woman with a mature figure has little choice. She can either front up at the maternity wear department and try on a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has escaped from Fantasia - or she can wander around any run-of-the-mill bathing costume departments and try to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around. I made my choice and disappeared in to the small chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed about the bathing suit was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The lycra that goes into bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets by a sling shot. And it comes with the bonus that as long as you can lever your body into a lycra suit, you can protect your vital organs from shark attack; the reason being that any shark foolish enough to take a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer from jaw whiplash injury. I fought my way into the first suit but as I twanged the last shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom had disappeared. I found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a little longer to find the other - flattened beside my 7th rib. The problem is" today's suits don't have bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and turned to the mirror to make a full-view assessment. The suit fit all right. Unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out of the top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing an undersized piece of cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all these extra bits of me had come from, the sales girl poked her head around the curtain. "Oh, there y'all are," she gasped. "Yes, they are ALL me," I replied, looking at the extra bits. "What else have you got?" I tried on a crinkled cream one which made me look like designer tape. I tried on a floral two-piece which made me look like an oversized napkin in a napkin ring. I struggled into one of leopard skin with a ragged frill and ended up looking like Tarzan on an off day. I donned a black one with a net midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning, and I tried on a pink one whose legs were so high cut I would have needed to wax my eyebrows to wear it! Finally - success. I found the one that fit. A two piece with a short style bottom and halter neck top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly. I bought it. When I got home I read the label: "Material may become transparent in water." I am determined to wear it. I just have to learn how to do the breaststroke on dry land.

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey   seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise.  I have the same problem with his Father."

I rode home with a female coworker about five years ago.  I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people".  "People *who*?" I asked? She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box.  Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number.  Here he can find your PIN and check the balance.  This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed.  If not, he keeps your card. "If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout.  If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount.  He *then* calls all of the other brances and ATMs, tells them how much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books."

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston

You ever notice that when a real estate agent puts a "For Sale" sign on a house and includes a box containing fliers with the price and the features, it is not the buyers who come and get them? It's the neighbors. In a matter of minutes, they are all gone.

Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. Amanpreet won the sixth prize: a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Amanpreet asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, 'Preet?" "Not so good," Amanpreet confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper."

Years ago in Ireland there was a priest who was very anti- British.  Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. "Father," said the pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again." "But your grace, I - I - " the priest stammered. "No buts," said the pope. "Swear it here and now or I'm going to excommunicate you!" "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter. And the father was back at his pulpit in Ireland giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." The father continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.' Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.' "Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

Years ago, when my daughter was dating, she couldn't decide what to get her boyfriend as a birthday present. "Dad ?" she asked, "If you were going to be sixteen this Thursday, what would you want ?" "Not another thing." I sighed, "Not another damn thing."

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem. The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight". As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up"

Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company. One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday." He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do." Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills. "Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."

It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the drawing for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and gets a color TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to collect, and it's a plate of cookies. He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't understand it. You won third prize, you got a color TV. I won second prize, I got a god-damned plate of cookies." Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The plate of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife." Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!" Goldstein says, "Shh...that's first prize."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?" "Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception. The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice." The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once." The third woman says: "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us."

At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.  Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir,  but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know!  I know!  He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Ottinger, the governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night.  The governor had depended on Ottinger for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.  In addition, Ottinger had been his closest friend. So it was understandable that the governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Ottinger's job.  "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the governor muttered. At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the governor's side.  "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Ottinger's place?" "Certainly," the governor replied.  "But you'd better hurry.  I think the undertaker is almost finished."

You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful ? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child  thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing  black?"

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall. "Told you it'll be there before your dog.

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?" "I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.  "It was easy", said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour. "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ? "My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.

A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately -- for rustling.

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?" The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too." "Why do you wear that leather vest?" "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables." "Well, why do you wear leather chaps?" "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus." "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?" "That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers"

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?"  he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

Amanpreet had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know what was wrong.  "It's my wife," he replied.  "She's fooling around with other men. "Well...  I can understand your mood then." said the boss. "I wouldn't like that one damn bit either." "No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other people in our small bed."

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

CYBER BREAK UP LETTER

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.

· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.

· __ You typed your own name at the end.

· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.

· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

__ Sincerely,

__ Gleefully,

__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"

__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

__ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

A man dies and goes to heaven.  Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to.  The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here.  In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together."  He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.  They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.  "Who's in that room?" the man asks.  "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter.  "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless". They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.  "Who's in there?" the man asks.  "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door.  Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door.  Don't make a sound."  They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.  "Oh, those are the Catholics.  They think they're the only ones up here."

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:
Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their thigh....