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It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother. "Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of  the chickens is in bloom!"

He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry.  Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait.  He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?' "Sure did," the bystander said.  "But you should have waited a minute or two.  The ferry is just about to dock."

Jim was talking to Judi about the recent accidental bombing of the Chinese embassy in Kosovo.  Judi said, "That HAD to be an accident because China is NO WHERE NEAR where they're bombing!" Dawn's sister (also Judi) had decided to take a late night swim. They got their bathing suits on and as they were walking out the door, Judi asked them to hold on.  She went back into her room and came out, spreading sun tan lotion on her arms.  "I asked her what she was doing and she said, 'we're going to the pool, aren't we?'" Bruce was at the Dairy Queen and ordered a small cone.  Judi filled it, then put it on a scale . . . and threw it in the trash.  She did this *twice* before giving me a "satisfactory" one.  He looked in the trash can -- it was full of ice cream cones.  Judi explained to me, "They have to weigh the right amount.  All of those were too heavy."

Shane worked at the pizza shop.  "While a thunderstorm had knocked out the power we got a phone call asking if we were delivering.  I told the lady that we can't deliver right now because the power is out -- we're not cooking pizzas.  She said,  'Oh. Well, can I come pick one up instead, then?'"

At work Wendy asked her blonde friend Judi this joke:  "How does a blonde turn on the light when she's done with sex?" No answer.  "She opens the car door."  Judi's eyes got wide and she responded, "Well, brunettes do it in the car, too!"

Claire was visiting the United States from Ireland.  She told her roommate Judi that she was going to buy a "Furby" before she went home.  Judi turned to her and said, "That's a bit pointless, isn't it?  You'll just have to put it in quarantine to get it home."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"

A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.  "Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts.  Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky." "For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane." "Vell .ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."

A farmer is arrested, accused of bestiality. Too indigent to hire an attorney, the Public Defender comes to visit the farmer. "So," the farmers says, "are you any good?" The Public Defender responds, "Well, I'm not so good at opening arguments... and I'm not so good at summations... and, well I'm not so good at anything in between." The farmer responds incredulously, "So what are you good at?" The attorney responds, "Well, I'm pretty good at picking juries." The farmer, not having an alternative, throws his fate to the Public Defender. The day of the trial arrives, and the farmer is being grilled by the Prosecuting Attorney... "So, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that the goat in question is your goat?" "Yep, she is." "And, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that on the day in question you were seen out in the field having sex with your goat?" There is silence in the courtroom, and before the farmer can answer, over in the jury box, one juror leans over to another and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded. "Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. "Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything.""Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted. The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1 BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don't have to repeat myself)
- MINIMIZE BUTTON
- SHUTDOWN FEATURE
- SHOPPING FUNCTION
- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it won't come back
- A MONOGAMY FEATURE
- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
***** BUG WARNING ********
All previous versions of Boyfriend are inaccessible on Sunday afternoons and Monday nights during the football season. We are trying to rectify this but it seems to be a problem inherent within the programming.

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?" "My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied. The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you." The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?" "My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

Judi is speaking to her psychiatrist. Judi: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"J: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. P: "Uh ... How's that working?" J. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." P. "And why do you think that is?" J. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild  temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the kindly, white haired, soft-spoken minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"  The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his frikkin' ass to the moon."

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet, looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem.  You should have taken 'golf' lessons instead."

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.  Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.  The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.  "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.  And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO !!!" exclaimed the Nurse.  "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

John, Brian, and Amanpreet were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives. "You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid.  She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner!  Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!" The other two just howl with laughter. Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine!  We ain't got no runnin' water!"

Amanpreet wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys.  'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with.  I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?" A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ...Who was 'HE?' "

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves." I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

Instead of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four seniors spent the night partying in the house they had rented off campus. The next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished, and then made their way to class. Along the way they all put grease on their hands to support the story they were going to tell their professor. The class was almost done with the exam, when all four seniors burst into the room. They report to the professor that they had a flat tire along the way and could they please retake the test? The professor said that he was a reasonable man, so he scheduled a test date for the following week. Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week, making the most of their time. The day of the make-up came, and they were ready for anything. Each senior was placed alone in a separate classroom for the test, The first question, worth 5 points, was easy. The second question was worth 95 points, and it simply read, "Which tire?"

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over.  He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all.  I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.  Congratulations.  What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,  "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.  One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.  He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful.  He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man". The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife.  So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning.  You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house. The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de- o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble,  and meant for the other one to run. Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter.  The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him. Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.  The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?" The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?" The Oriental fellow nodded his head. "You like steakee?" The Oriental nodded again. As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English. He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the jar open!"

A man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's off you and your secretary."

Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Marriage Names

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono,she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali,she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho,she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra,she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg,(hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton,then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If JFK Jr married Elton John he really would be John-John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.  A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the nite. "Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man.  "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes." "Oh !" said the salesman.  Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house ?"

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson.  It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt.  "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip. One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness." "You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are the English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day. The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve." The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one." The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven." And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one." Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir." And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?" "With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied. And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"

It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. "It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.

Wheeze told me when once nursing her baby in a public bathroom a little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room.  The little girl asked what Wheeze was doing and grandma replied, "Feeding her baby."  "How?"  "She's feeding her at her breast."  The little girl paused and said, "I think I saw Mommy feeding Daddy like that once . . . " Marlene shows how far a sense of humor can go.  She recently left the hospital after losing her vocal cords to cancer.  When she returned to work after 3 months one brave fellow joked with her,  "Wow, Marlene -- you're every man's dream -- a woman that can't talk!"  Marlene's reply?  "A MAN??  Good grief, I just got cancer. I don't need a *man* on top of that!"

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straigt out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute! Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.