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Zippergate

Monica Lewinsky's Official Public Statement

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial with the following quote:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, and that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face." "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how...head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until my name has been wiped clean. I will not be stained by this dirty affair."

Thank you.
Monica Lewinsky

"President Bill Clinton's Speech"

Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.

[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions,
both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky.
While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

In fact, it was wrong.

[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t...]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

[I lied like a rug.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

[Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.


[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.']


The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

[I didn't think there was a chance in hell things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar. Like my tie?]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God.

[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!
I wonder how many extra cruise missles we have in the middle east?]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen
NOTHIN' yet!! Maybe if I fired off a few I could get you to thinking I was Presidential]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.

[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.

[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up... I better call the petagon before I leave]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.

[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade. Yea, thats it call the pentagon and see if I can come up with a REAL smoke screen]

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.

[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching.

[Sorry you had to see this.]

And Good Night.

Bill......

Saturday, 31 January 1998 (Washington, D.C.) A bedeviled White House press secretary Mike McCurry arranged for a Monica Lewinsky look-a-like Kate Reed, to hold a press conference in the White House press room. McCurry explained that he had to give the press something to write. He was painfully bitten twice yesterday by reporters having a unsatiated Friday feeding frenzy.

Press: Monica, how many times have you had sex with Bill Clinton?
Monica: Never! I would consider him if he was single, asked me nice like and brought me a nice dress from Nieman-Marcus. I've always thought he was a hunk.

Header: NEW BIMBO SAYS SHE'S WANTS CLINTON
Press: Are you Monica Lewinsky?
Monica: No. I'm Kate Reed. I'm from Reston, Virginia. I only look like Monica Lewinsky.

Header: WHO IS THE NEW BIMBO? ANOTHER WHITE HOUSE SMOKE SCREEN
Press: Did President Clinton advise you to change your name?
Monica: No, I've never met President Clinton. My name is Kate Reed. I'm sure the President would want me to use my real name.

Header: CLINTON SAID TO HAVE ADVISED WOMAN DON'T CALL YOURSELF LEWINSKY
Press: Have you been subpoenaed to testify before the Whitewater grand jury?
Monica: I have not been summoned and I hope I will not be called. I have nothing material to provide the Whitewater grand jury.

Header: FAKE MONICA TO ADOPT STONEWALL STRATEGY
Press: Will you testify voluntarily to the grand jury, or are you going to demand immunity?
Monica: I would want complete immunity. I understand that Kenneth Starr wants to hold me in contempt of court because I go out into public looking like Monica Lewinsky.

Header: ANOTHER WOMAN SEEKS IMMUNITY IN CLINTON SEX SCANDAL
Press: Who is your lawyer?
Monica: I don't have a lawyer.

McCurry: Maybe you should find a lawyer who looks like William Ginsburg. (Laughter)

Header: WH PRESS SECRETARY ADVISES BIMBO TO GET LAWYER
Monica: Well, I don't know anybody who looks like Mr. Ginsburg. I have a uncle to runs a drug store outside of Richmond. He sorta looks like James Carville.

Header: CARVILLE LINKED TO DRUGS IN EXPANDING CLINTON SEX SCANDAL
Press: Have you ever talked with Linda Tripp?
Monica: Yes, a woman calling herself Linda Tripp started calling me shortly after I mailed in my Rutherford sex questionnaire. I thought she was terribly forward. All she wanted to talk about was having sex with Bill Clinton and Al Gore. She told me they'd had a threesome. I knew better than to believe her.

Header: CREDIBLE EVIDENCE OF GORE SEXUAL FANTASY; SHOCKED KENNETH STARR ASKS FBI TO INVESTIGATE
Press: Do you agree with Mrs. Clinton that there is a right-wing conspiracy to destroy President Clinton?
Monica: Well, I brought Hillary's nice book as a Christmas present for granny. She said it was a real good book. I suspect Mrs. Clinton knows what she's talking about.

Header: LATEST BIMBO SYMPATHIZES WITH HILLARY'S PARANOIA
Press: Mike, will President Clinton visit with Ms. Reed before she leaves the White House.
McCurry: No, he will not. The President isn't even aware of Ms. Reed's press conference. He has a full schedule today and he would not be able to meet Ms. Reed in any case.