APRIL

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they
notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first
thing they notice about men: they're a bunch of liars."
     - Jay Leno


"I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago ... I shot my broker."
     - Groucho Marx

THE WORRY WORT

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."

"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"

"That's his problem."

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART III

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a
dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-
of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman,
"with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police
have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a
bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand
in his pocket. Wonder what he uses for a knife?


-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thought
"I like long walks--especially when they're taken by people who annoy me."
- Anon

Big John

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started
his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the
first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and
things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big
hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler,
arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and
said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did
I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and
basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John,
but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again,
made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated
on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big
John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body
building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By
the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's
more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next
Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at
the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a
surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has
a bus pass."

ONLY THE BEST

Steve wasn't feeling well and so he went to the
doctor to get himself checked.

After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well
Steve, based on my examination, the best thing for
you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up
alcohol, and stop smoking."

"Well, to be honest with you Doc," said Steve. 
"I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"

Satisfaction Guaranteed

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see
the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm
for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter
of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the
letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for
our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very
satisfied."

911 Emergency
                                                       
  Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. 
  The 911 operator told Bubba that she would  send someone out right away.  

  "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

  Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

  The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

  There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag  her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A little gas

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
 inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent,
 suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.
 "Why, no  Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little
 gas."
 
 A few months later Father Dan put the same question
 to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her
 belly.  "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann,
 blushing a bit.
 
 On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the
 corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby
 carriage.  Looking in, the priest observed,
 "Cute little Fart!"

Having a bad day?

 STILL having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse.....

 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
 
 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
 After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

 3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantical the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
 
 4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughter house in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
 
 And finally.......
 
 5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
 Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
 
 See your day's not so bad, is it.

The Blonde and the Farmer

 There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she dyed  her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took  a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride,  she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their  beauty.
 
 She noticed the farmer just standing there watching, too. She
 walked up to him and asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one?"
 The farmer agreed. She guessed 387. The farmer said that was correct. "So, go take your pick on which one you want."
 
 She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back?"

Heart Attack
 
 A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death
experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it.
 
 God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
 
 She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.
 
 God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

What A Memory!
  
 An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when  the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him  far into the jungle.
 
 "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
 
 The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost  fifty years ago."
 
 The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years?
 Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

 "Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."