AUGUST

Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. All of this made him... what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN -
 
 "I'm going fishing."
 Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
 stupid, and stand by a stream  with a stick in my hand,
 while the fish swim by in complete safety."
 
 "Let's take your car."
 Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger
 wrappers and completely out of gas."
 
 Woman driver."
 Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate,
 swear, make obscene gestures and has a bettor driving
 record than me."

 "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
 really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink,
 red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or
 any other color besides white."
 
 "It's a guy thing."
 Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern
 connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
 making it logical."
 
 "Can I help with dinner?"
 Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
 
 "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
 Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
 response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
 
 "Good idea."
 Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the
 rest of the day gloating."
 
 "Have you lost weight?"
 Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a
 cordless drill."
 
 "My wife doesn't understand me."
 Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before,
 and is tired of them."
 
 "It would take too long to explain."
 Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
 
 "I'm getting more exercise lately."
 Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are
 dead."
 
 "I got a lot done."
 Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every
 picture."
 
 "We're going to be late."
 Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse
 to drive like a maniac."
 
 "Hey, I've read all the classics."
 Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy
 since 1972."
 
 "You cook just like my mother used to."
 Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a
 meal timer, too."
 
 "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
  really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head
  over there is wearing a bra."
 
 "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
 Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the
 vacuum cleaner."
 
 "That's interesting, dear."
 Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
 
 "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our
 love."
 Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
 
 "You expect too much of me."
 Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
 
 "It's a really good movie"
 Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars,
 and Heather Locklear."
 
 "That's women's work."
 Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and
 thankless."
 
 "Will you marry me?"
 Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out,
 I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut
 butter."
 
 "Go ask your mother."
 Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
 
 "You know how bad my memory is."
 Really means.... "I remember the theme song to
 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
 kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
 every car I've everowned, but I forgot your birthday."
 
 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these
 roses."
 Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner
 was a real babe."
 
 "Football is a man's game."
 Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play
 it."
 
 "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
 Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but
 will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
 
 "I do help around the house."
 Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the
 laundry basket."
 
 "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
 Really1 means.... "And I sure hope I think of some
 pretty soon."
 
 "I can't find it."
 Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched
 hands, so I'm completely clueless."
 
 "What did I do this time?"
 Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
 
 "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
 Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years
 ago."
 
 "She's one of those rabid feminists."
 Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
 
 "But I hate to go shopping."
 Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the
 dressing room holding your purse."
 
 "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
 Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
 
 "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
 Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself
 into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth
 breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
 
 "I heard you."
 Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
 just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake
 it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days
 yelling at me."
 
 "You know I could never love anyone else."
 Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me,
 and realize it could be worse."
 
 "You look terrific."
 Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more
 outfit I'm starving."
 
 "I brought you a present."
 Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the
 ball game."
 
 "I missed you."
 Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids
 are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
 
 "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
 Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
 
 "We share the housework."
 Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them
 up."
 
 "This relationship is getting too serious."
 Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
 
 "I recycle."
 Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the
 money from my empties."
 
 "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
 Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to
 yourself?"
 
 "It sure snowed last night."
 Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me
 about shoveling the walk now."
 
 "It's good beer."
  Really means.... "It was on sale." 

 "I don't need to read the instructions."
 Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing
 it up without printed help."
 
 "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
 Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get
 frustrated and buy a new one."
 
 "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
 Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a
 drive-thru window."
 
 "I broke up with her."
 Really means.... "She dumped me."

    

BAD DAYS
 
 A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman
 "Give me six double vodkas."
 The barman says
 "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
 "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
 
 The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for
 the same drinks.
 When the bartender asked what the problem was today the
 answer came back,
 "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
    
 On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered
 another six double vodkas.
 The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family
 like women?"
 "Yeah, my wife..."
    

Words To Live By
 
 Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack,
 or heads will roll!
 
 Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV,
 why does it make me feel so much smarter?
 
 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing
 rubs it in like a computer.
 
 I tried to get in touch with my inner child,
 but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
 
 I have to take my paycheck to the bank.
 It's too little to go by itself.
 
  I must be following my diet too closely.
 I keep gaining on it.
 
 Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline.
 If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours,
 please remain on the line.
 
 Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by,
 I just keep to the posted speed limit.
 
 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
 
 One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
 
 If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
 why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    

Stuff To Live By
 

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
 
  Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
 
 Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.
 
 If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
 
 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
 
 Never buy a car you can't push.
 
  Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you  don't have a leg to stand on.
 
 The early worm gets eaten by the bird; so sleep late.
 
 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A REAL GENTLEMAN

A traveling salesman, whom finds himself stranded in
the tiniest town in America, knocks on the door of a
little hotel.

"Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager,
"but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed
schoolteacher, if that's okay."

"Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from
ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman."

"Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little
red-headed schoolteacher."

    

Three Friends
 
  Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday:  a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly. 
 
 They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral?  I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
 
 The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great
 educator, so  I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
 
 Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

    

Welcome To Flight Number 293
 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and                          gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and  uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on  the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I  scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant  brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of mine!"

Bible Riddles

  What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
     "Now I herd everything"

  Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
     They kept saying neigh

  What animal could Noah not trust?
     The cheetah

  What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
     Flood lights

  Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
     Noah--he took Ham with him on the ark

 
  Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
     Noah was sitting on the deck

  Who was the first canning factory run by?
     Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs

  Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
     No, he came fourth out of the ark

 
  Which animal took the most baggage into the arc?
  What animal took the least?
     The elephant took his trunk.
     But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb
     between them.

  Why weren't there any worms on the arc?
     Because worms come in apples not in pairs.

  What creatures were not on the arc?
     Fish

  Where did Noah keep the bees?
     In the ark hives.

  Who was the best financier in the Bible?
     Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in
     liquidation.

  Where was Noah when the lights went out?
     In d'ark.

  Why couldn't Noah catch many fish?
     He only had two worms.

 
  What did the cat say when the ark landed?
     Is that Ararat?