DECEMBER

Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings...

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love  them. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without  spitting. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. 
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Good News - Bad News                                    

   An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. 

"I have some good news and some bad news," the owner replied."  The good news is that a gentle man inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."  "When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

   "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
   "What's the bad news?"                           

   "The guy is your doctor..."  

From The Mouths of Babes


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8



"And the #1 Favorite is........"


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

A Tough Golf Game
 
 A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not  arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game.
 
 As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

 "What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
 
 "Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
 
 "Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
 
 "I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "

Survival Skills
 
 
 At the site of the crash, one lone survivor sat with his back  against a tree, chewing on a bone.  As he tossed the bone onto  a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team.  "Thank  God", he cried out in relief.  "I am saved!"
 
 The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the  pile of human bones beside this lone survivor.  Obviously he had  eaten his comrades.
 
 The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head  in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted.
 
 "I had to survive.  Is it so wrong to want to live?"
 
 The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head  in disbelief.  "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary  to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

Results

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
 
 "I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter.  "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
 
 "Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained.
 "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
 
 "Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
 
 "Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."

A Fable
 
 There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to  town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went  along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for  the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
 
 Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real  shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided  that maybe they both should walk.
 
 Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
 
 
 They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
 
 As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he  fell into the river and drowned.
 
 The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will  eventually lose your ass.

CHRISTMAS CAKE

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit



Sample the vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl,check the vodka again.



To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.



Add one teaspoon of sugar.



Beat again.



At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.



Try another cup .... just in case



Turn off the mixerer.



Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick fruit off floor.



Mix on the turner.



If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.



Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.

Check the vodka.



Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.



Add one table.



Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.



Greash the oven.



Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.



Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and Kick the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

God


A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...

"Is Michael Jackson God?"

Deep Thoughts

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Is there another word for synonym?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?



Quick Wit:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Office Posters

   1.  Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

   2.  If you can stay calm, while all around you there is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
            __
3.  Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
 
  4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

5.  A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6.  Plagiarism saves time.
 
  7.  If at first you don't succeed, try management.

   8.  Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

   9. TEAMWORK: means never having to take all the blame yourself.

   10. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

   11. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

   12. We waste time, so you don't have to.

   13. Hang in there, retirement is only 50 years away!

   14. Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes; that way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!

   15. A snooze button is a poor excuse for no alarm clock at all.

   16. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

   17. INDECISION: is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

   18. Succeed in spite of management.

   19. Aim Low, Reach your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

The Genie
 
 A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
 
 The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return will grant you three wishes."
 
 The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
 
 POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
 
 He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari."
 
 POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
 
 He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
 
 POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Puns of the Weak
 
 Today is May the 4th. So, May the fourth be with you!
 
 A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
  Wise-Crack : A comedian with a PHD.
 
   Divorce: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

 You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be
 great.
 
 Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
"Without water."
 
 The streetwalker bought a bicycle. Now she's peddling it all over
 town. (Keith Martin)
 
 First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
 
 Zits are a part of pop culture.
 
 As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
 
 The following was a reply to a church advertisement: 'I am responding to your ad for an organist and choirmaster, either a lady or a gentleman. I have been both for many years.' 
 
 After investigating the greenhouse plot, two detectives were
 accused of planting evidence.
 
  The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will  you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
 
 I went to see our doctor last week. I was coughing and sneezing. He said, "Flu?" I said, "No, I came on the bus."
 
 Headline: Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
 
 Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the
 surface.
 
  The computer revolution is over - the computers won!
 
 If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
 Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. 
 
  Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
 
   Saw makers losing money have to make lots of cuts 
 
 Have you heard about the new airline for old people? Its called Incontinental.  
 
 Did you hear about the fire at the clock factory? Nobody died but several people suffered from second hand smoke. 

 A budget is an attempt to live below your yearnings.
   
 What do you call a smart clock? Clockwise
 
 When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time. 
 
 July: Didn't you tell the truth?
 
 A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs
 financial assistance. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man
 says. "I can't see myself going to work."
 
  Taxidermist: A man who knows his stuff

 A smart man covers his butt, a wise man simply leaves his pants on.
 
 If I can say the word "sooth" does that make me a soothsayer?
  
 "Our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "'You're lucky, every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank." 
 
 Clothes Hanger: What the airport worker does to keep the planes dry
  
 Metronome: A tiny New York bus driver
 
  Charter flights to nudist colonies are the only ones which include a takeoff on landing.  
 
 He was often breaking into song but couldn't find the key
 
   Jesus Saves. Moses Invests. 
 
 Cigarette lighters were given as prizes to tennis players who won a match.
 
 Have you heard about the new computer screen that fixes itself?
 It's a Christian Science monitor.

  The well-dressed gentleman with scuffed shoes lacked polish.
  
  When checking for gas leaks, always remember to use SAFETY MATCHES to prevent accidents.
 
 One good turn gets most of the blankets. 
 
 Malaria: Several Shopping Centers close to each other
 
  A maiden at college,  Miss Breeze,
  Weighed down by B. A.'s and Lit. D.'s
  Collapsed from the strain,
  Said her doctor, "Its plane,
  "You're killing yourself by degrees.
   
  A couple of ambulance drivers are a paramedics.
 
 Paying for college is often a matter of in-tuition.

Did you hear about the college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck?  He was grading papers on a curve.
 
 The multilevel marketing of the first calculator-watches was a huge success as so many people were eager to take a well-calculated wrist.
 
 Roy Rogers was Trigger-happy.
 
 A classical music station invited listeners to fax their requests with the caution, "If it ain't baroque, don't fax it."

  What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car in it, man!
  
 Scurvy: Description of a winding road
 
  When a duck is feeling down he might just be happy.
 
 Having children is a heir raising experience. 
 
  Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at UCLA, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knewwhat Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."
 
 Conscience is a faults alarm.
 
 Show me a jittery monarch and I'll show you a nervous rex.  
  How's your job at the clock company?  Only time will tell.
 
 Every time I think of a caterpillar, I get a worm fuzzy feeling
 
 As the X-Ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her,  "Wonder what she saw in him?"
 Weathercocks are vain creatures. 
 
 Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying, "There goes Dad again,
 making fountains out of mole hills."
 
 A baker's motto: "It's nice to be kneaded." 
 
 Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade
  
 "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" a man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm say, "Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks? I'm desperate." The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem, your arm is broke!" 
 
 Dim Sum: What you get when your calculator batteries run low.
 
 Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
 
 My friend says his dog goes down the road a mile every day to pick up the mail but that seems a little far-fetched.

The flight to Egypt

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"



Quick Wit:

A Child's Prayer overheard..."Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....".



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...."

What Hit Me?

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

ON SUPERSTITIONS

Danny said, "I wonder if it's really bad luck to have a black cat cross your path."

Jillian said, "That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse."



Unicorn Hunter

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk.  One of them
asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really?  How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her.  When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find.  I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

Windows

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer. "Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment."  "But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months."

Detective

Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives.
 If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far.

 To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

 The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
 The Chief says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

 The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
 The chief angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

 The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

 The chief is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

 "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

 "That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Swerving car

A State Trooper pulls over a swerving car on a lonely back road and  approaches the blonde lady driver.

 "Ma'am," he says, "is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"

 The woman replies: "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I
almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
 I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, tapping the blonde's windshield,
"that's your air freshener."