JANUARY

Hate Golfing With Him!

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in
the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly,
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one,
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in
the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto
the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball.
It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a
nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and
rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto
the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned pond. On
the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out
over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.

Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad
and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle
swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they
passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and
dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a
beautiful hole-in-one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with
your Dad."

In Bad Shape
 
 A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.
 
 
 Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.
 
 The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
 
 The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."
 
 The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and yours eyes will bulge."

Growing Older
 
 An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

 So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.

 The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the
 doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
 
 When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
 
 "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
 
 "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
 
 "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
 some strawberries. I can remember that!"
 
 "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
 
 "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
 
 With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
 
 Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Puns of the Weak

  "It won't be long now," said the mohel just as he circumcised the  little boy

  "Waiter, there are pennies in my soup." "Well, sir' you said you'd  stop eating here if there wasn't some change in the food."
 
  A man once told me, "Cheer up, things could be worse." So I cheered  up, and sure enough, things got worse

    On the fence of a rural farm: The farmer allows walkers to cross  the field for free, but the bull charges. 

      The formula for a happy marriage?  It's the same as the one for  living in California:  when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
 
  She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her  mind.

    Why did the Moyel retire? He just couldn't cut it anymore.
  Left bank : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
 
  When you rent adjoining rooms for a meeting at the Hilton, why do  they fill the liquor cabinets with bottles of Quinine water? Because  you have to take the bitters with the suite.

  I am the youngest of 11 children.  My mother was overbearing.
 
  Why is it that you are taller when you wake up but you are  always  short at the end of the week.

      What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil? "Stop going in  circles and get to the point!"

  What does the dentist of the year get?. A little plaque

  She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

  To become an Olympic star, a jumper will go to great lengths.
 
  In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits
  - $100, they won't last an hour!" 

  In theory, housebreaking your puppy may seem like a fine idea, but  it doesn't look good on paper. 

    I saw a cute guy at the grocery store today, buying herbs and  laundry soap. Imagine my surprise when I later saw him chasing his  runaway cart all around the parking lot. I guess it just goes to  show that thyme and Tide wait for no man.

   See saw:  a tool for cutting keyholes

  Hear about the new invention? It is a beeper that also peels
  veggies. They call it "Beeper Pared".

  Legend: The edge of a cliff

   "How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" "Well, after trying  on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, 'I think I'd look  nicer in something flowing.' And I suggested the Mississippi.
 
  Attack: Used to pin things to bulletin boards. 

    Deflower: To cut roses from the garden

    A bachelor is a cagey guy.
  He has a load of fun.
  He likes to check out all the chicks,
  And never MRS. one.
 
  Barren: A nude bird

    The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart it  was a close call. 

  A speech is like a wheel. The longer the spoke, the greater the  tire.

   When the girdle was first invented, the woman who tried it on was  asked by the inventor if it fit. Her reply "Of Corset Does!"

  In 1949 A Hall Of Fame opened to honor outstanding women soldiers.
  It was a WAC's Museum.

    Icicle: a stiff upper drip

  As the swiss cheese said to the cheddar, "I'm holier than thou."
 
    People who make motor oil are very refined. 

  "I just swallowed a fishing lure," said Tom with bated breath.
 
  What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory? Seasonal work

Magic Walls

A boy and his Father went to a shopping mall. They were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is that Father?"

The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like that in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his Father were watching, an elderly woman slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a gorgeous woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".



Quick Wit:

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
No one knows… they have never tried to do it.



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

14 Things My Mother Taught Me

   1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...        
      "Just wait until your father gets home." 

   2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... 
      "You are going to get it when I get home!"

   3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...             "What were you thinking? Answer me when I  talk to you ..Don't talk back to me!"

   4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... 
      "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 

   5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... 
      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they 
      are going to get stuck that way." 

   6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
      "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a
      good job."

   7. My Mother taught me ESP...
      "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

  8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
  When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

  9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
  "If you don't eat your vegetables,  you'll never grow up."
  
  10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
  "How do you think you got here?"
  
  11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
    "You're just like your father. "

   12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
       "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

   13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
       "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

   14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
      "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
      you.  Then you'll see what it's like."

The Blonde Pilot
 
 A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the
 owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
 
 He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
 
 After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.  "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
 
 After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
 
 A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
 
 When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!  Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
 I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

TOMMY COOPERISMS

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 Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
 The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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 Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
 Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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 "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
 "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
 "Is it common? "
 "It's not unusual."

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 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
 shorts.
 The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
 So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
 teeth.
 Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
 "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
 "No, because he's really heavy"

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 Guy goes into the doctor's.
 "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
 "How's that?"
 "Don't you start"

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 "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
 "Well you can't say fairer than that then"


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 Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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 What's brown and sounds like a bell?
 DUNG


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 What do you call a fish with no eyes?
 A fsh.

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 So I went to the dentist.
 He said "Say Aaah."
 I said "Why?"
 He said "My dog's died.'"

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 "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,
 and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

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 "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
 local swimming baths?'

 He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"


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 "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a ski outside my house.'
 He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


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 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
 are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
 either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


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 So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
 up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

 And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
 He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
 And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'


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 Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
 And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing
cabinet.'

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 So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
 you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'


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 Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the
 other "Does this taste funny to you?"

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 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

 They charged one and let the other one off.

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 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

 They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

 So that was nice."
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 A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time"
 The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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 A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
 The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


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 I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


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 My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what
 can you expect from a cross-breed.

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 I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day
 when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.

So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.


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 I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I
 couldn't find any.

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 I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
 month for the next 2 years.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we don't know where the hell she is."
     - Ellen DeGeneres

OVERHEAD AT STORES

Customer: "Excuse me, do you know where the taby thingies, thingamabobers are?"
Employee: "Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6."


Customer: "Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do."
Employee: "I think so. I saw 'em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4."


Customer: "Where's the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?"
Employee: "Hmm... that's a tough one. The closest we have is tape."


Customer: "Excuse me. Do you work here?"
Employee: "Oh... Sorry. I just dress up like this five days
a week because I like messing with people's minds..."


Customer: "Where are the little flat black things you put in
computers?"
Employee: "Hmm. I think they are in the computer section
next to the disks."


Customer: "Do you have a shopping cart?"
Employee: "I think so. Let me look in my pocket. Oh! We
moved 'em out to the parking lot!"


Customer: "Does this printer print in black?"
Employee: "Yeah, but you have to buy the white extra."


Customer: "My computer isn't working. Do you know why?"
Employee: "Oh, sorry. I don't have ESP. Let me show you to
our ESP Technician department."

Customer: "Do you carry pencils?"
Employee: "No, I'm sorry. This is an office supply store
only. We don't carry pencils; or pens for that matter."