JULY

"AT THE BEEP..."

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Why women are nothing but trouble.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says: What's the problem officer?

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth woman!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

CHARM SCHOOL

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying who gives a crap' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

DUMB SPORTS QUOTES

*"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who
turned 20 a few weeks ago."
(David Coleman)

*"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
(David Coleman)

*"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the
start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
(Murray Walker)

*Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance
do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

*"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather
than lost."
(Frank Bruno)

*"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people."
(David Coleman)

*"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker)

*"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 
(Greg Norman)

*"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of
them serious."
(Alan Minter)

*"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast
they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

*"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)

*"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is
absolutely round." 
(Tony Crozier)

Don't Be An Oxymoron...

  -Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's
 just on the surface.
 
  -If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
 
  -The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
 
  -Prejudiced people are all alike.
  
 -Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
 
  -Evil is not all bad.
 
  -I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
 
  -As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring
 loyalty into question.
  
 -He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
 
  -I have my doubts about disbelief.
 
  -One should never generalize.
 
  -Avoid clichés like the plague.
 
  -On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.
  
 -I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
  
 -Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
 
  -Death to all fanatics!
 
  -An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
  
 -If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
 
  -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
 
  -I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
 
  -Rehab is for quitters!
 
  -The shortest distance between two points is how far
 apart they are.
 
  -Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest
 things ever.
  
 -My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
 
  -I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't
 enough anxiety in my life.
 
  -I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make
 me paranoid.
 
  -Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
  
 -I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar,
 but I am not sure if I believe it.
 
  -Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also
 tend to use more words than necessary.
 
  -There are only three kinds of people: people who
 can count and people who can't.

Dead Dog

One day an old lady's dog passed out on her floor. She was
used to her dog playing dead, so she thought nothing of it,
but three days passed and still the dog didn't move, so she
became worried. She took the dog to her local veterinarian. 

The vet set the dog on an observation table and began
examining the dog. A couple minutes later, the vet left the
room. Then he returned with a cage and inside the cage was a
cat. He set the cage next to the dog and let the cat out. 
The cat walked around the dog three times then went back into his cage. 

A few minutes later the vet came to the old lady and said
"I'm sorry, but you're dog is dead.  That'll be 250 dollars."

"250 dollars! For what?!" Shouted the old lady.

"Well, 50 dollars for the examination, and 200 dollars for
the cat scan."



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Funny Thoughts
"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."
- Oscar Wilde
-------------------------------------------------------------



QUICK WIT:

Bobby:  Five people board a bus, but only three bought
tickets. Why?

Mickey:  I don't know.

Bobby:  Because one was the driver and the other was the
conductor, dummy.  

Male Language Patterns
 
  "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my
 outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
 
 "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
 
 "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
 
 "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
 
 "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
 
 "It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
 
 "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
 
 "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
 
 "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
 
 "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still
 talking?"
 
 "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
 
 "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."
 
 "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
 
 "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme  song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
 
 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."
 
 "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY
 MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
 
 "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

 "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
 
 "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
 
 "She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
 
 "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
 
 "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
 
 "I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
 
 "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
 
 "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
 
 "This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."
 
 "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
 
 "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
 

  

REVENGE IS SWEET

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!"

Bathroom Scales

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand
on it and it makes you mad."

  

Visiting Grandpa in the Hospital     

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa  in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
  "Feeling fine," says the old man.
  "What's the food like?"
  "Terrific, wonderful menus."
  "And the nursing?"
  "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of  you."

  "What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"
  "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they  bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's  it.  I go out like a light."

  The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off  to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he  says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily  basis.  Surely that can't be true?"

  "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give  him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully  well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from  rolling out of bed."

TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Puns of the Weak
 
 When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
  
  Israeli in space
  Now that is really a true
  Rocket zionist
   
 The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme  
  Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
 
 Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. 
 
  If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  
 The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
 
  In today's economy, we're all looking for a profit to lead us out of the wilderness.
 
  A gossip is a person who has a good sense of rumor 
 
  What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
 
 A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked. "Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
 "How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?" "Because he won't heel." 
 
 "How long will the next bus be, Officer?" "About eight yards,
 Ma'am."

 On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was, surrounded by trees and bushes.  
 Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 

 "Miracle Drugs" by Penny Sillinn
 
 Graveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery
  
  Occult; A young horse.
 
 Philistine:  What a German bartender does.
 
 Security Breaches: Pants worn by Pinkerton agents
 Security Briefs: Worn under security breaches
 
  To get him to the alter took a little wile. 
 
 A gossip is a person who is always the knife of the party 
 
 Why was the patient annoyed by the witty surgeon? Because he was always making cutting remarks.
 
   What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
 
 A collective noun is a garbage can.
 
   Insinuate: Adam and Eve's least favorite word
 
  Cystogram:  A Cable Sent To Your Sister
 
 Euthanasia: Far East Mormon Missionary team
 
  The lawyer asked a loaded question about guns.
 
      My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?" 
 
  

Blind Flight

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
 
 The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
 Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
 However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
 
 The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
 Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
 Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
 Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
 
 Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

Bang, bang

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training. When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run  out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and  tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running  through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy,  bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."

  The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end  of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The  Sergeant tells, him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of  his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with  his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,  stab."

  Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into  real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing  craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a  real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the  heck he is going to do.

  As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at  an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang,  bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he  aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And  that enemy falls over dead!

  Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy  soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers  are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him.  Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The  other guy drops and writhes in pain.

  All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path.  Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy,  bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries  again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier  gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the  enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.

  As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy,  tank, tank, tank."

SMART DOG!

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck.  He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog.  The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher asked, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then asked, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher asked, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse.  The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog.  It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart.  This is the second time this week he forgot to tke his door key."