JULY

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


FUNNY THOUGHT
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes."
-- Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.  "This young man agreed to marry my  daughter," said one.

 "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

 And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

 "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

 "Sounds good to me,"said the first lady. But the other woman said,
"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

 The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant
 must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. 

 "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
 king's court.

 "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

3 Bears


It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family
 are just waking up.
 
 Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
 the table. He looks into his small bowl and it's empty.
 "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
 
 Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
 He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
 "Who's been eating my porridge!?" he roars.
 
 Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
 kitchen and screams, "How many times do we have to go through
 this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

My Mind


"Oh," sighed the wife one morning,  "I'm convinced my
 mind is almost completely gone!"
 
 Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented,
 "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it
 every day for twenty years!"

Gone with the Wind


Two mice go into a warehouse looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
 
  "What did you find?" he asks.
 
 "I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of
celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
 
 "And how is it?"
 
  "Nothing much. The book was better."

A Lesson In Grammer

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

CAT FOR SALE

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

Hiring A New Cashier
                                                         
  The bank manager was in the final stages of 
  hiring a cashier and was down to two final  
  applicants -- one of which would get the job. 
                                                      
  The first one interviewed was from a small  
  college in upstate New York. A nice young man,  
  but a bit timid. 
                                                
  Then he called for the second man,
  "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of  himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought  the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

  He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they  would let him know.

  Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry  yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
  However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."

  Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get  your financial education?"

  "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."

  "That's very good ... excellent. Your hired!"

  "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called."

  Jim answered" I don't care ...Yim ... or Mr. Yonson."

At The Convent

   The nuns at the local convent had their daily 
   announcement session.  The mother superior walked 
   out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious 
   frown on her face. She began to speak... 

   Mother Superior: There has been a sinful deed  
   committed here yesterday.   

   99 nuns: Oh, no!                                
   1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.                                
                                                     
   Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's    
   underwear.                        

   99 nuns: Oh, no!
   1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

   Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

   99 nuns: Oh, no!
   1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

   Mother Superior: And it has been used!

   99 nuns: Oh, no!
   1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

   Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

   1 nun: Oh, No!
   99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...

The Diet

   "My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.

   "What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.

   "That's easy. I only eat pool balls."

   "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the
   trouble.  What kind do you eat?"

   "All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and   orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple  and black for dinner."

   "I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't
   been getting any greens!" 

Library Complaint
 
 A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
 have a complaint!"
 
 "Yes, ma'am?"
 
 "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
 
 "What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
 
 "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
 
 The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. You must be the person who took our phone book."

Mental Hospital

 John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they  were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

 The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He
 immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental
 hospital, as he considered him to be okay. The doctor says, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom and died."

 David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry.

DUMB SPORTS QUOTES
 
 "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who
 turned 20 a few weeks ago."
(David Coleman)
 
 "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
 (David Coleman)
 
 Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do
 you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables:
 "I think it's 50-50."
 
 "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people."
 (David Coleman)
 
 "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
 behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker)
 
 "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
 father." 
(Greg Norman)
 
 "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of
 them serious."
(Alan Minter)
 
 "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast
 they are running."
(Ron Pickering)
 
 "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)
 
 "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is
 absolutely round." 
(Tony Crozier)

Seriously bad joke time.
 
 An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

 The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
 
 This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"
 
 "Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
 
 "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious  Burns Unit."

ITTY BITTY BIKINI

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"

Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"



BRAGGING RIGHTS

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." 

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm not religious." 

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment. Apparently they hired him.

NAME -
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION -
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY -
$285,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer. Obviously I am a desperate man.

EDUCATION -
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD -
Target for middle management hostility.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT -
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING -
Fired for stealing pens and post-it notes.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising"

Acts 2:38

  This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen.  He was all loaded down  with the things he was going to steal.  She had no weapon and was all  alone.  The only thing that she could think to do was quote  scripture.  So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!!!"
                                                          
  The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes   to the point that she is able to get to the   phone and call 911 for the cops.  When the  cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in  place.  They are very much surprised that a   woman alone with no weapon could do this.  

  One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?"

  The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."

  The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the scripture that had  such an effect on you?"

  The burglar replied, "Scripture!  What scripture?  I thought she said  she had an ax and two 38's."

Reporter

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Maniac Loser Kills Beloved Family Pet."

DUCK HUNTING

A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop
where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen
Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare
at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two
continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first
American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we
should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."




"I spilled spot remover on my dog-now he's gone."
-Steven Wright

A NICE SURPRISE

Montague came home to his noble estate, only to find his new bride sobbing at the bar.  "Penelope, what's wrong?" he asked, tiping the tears from her eyes, gently.

"Oh, Montague darling, I wanted to surprise you with a nice martini when you came in the door," she gulped.  "I started out by rinsing the ice cubes in hot water, and now I can't find them..."

MEMORIAL

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Kids statements that are a little ... off track:

* God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!

* 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama
with a band-aid on my knee!

* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

* He carrots for you.

* Yield Not to Penn Station.

* Dust Around the Throne.

* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all
creatures, HERE WE GO

* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
names.

* While shepherds washed their socks by night

* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

1999 Darwin Awards - Criminal Category

The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards - Criminal Category have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon that individual, who through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.


RUNNER-UP # 8 Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


RUNNER-UP # 7 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.


RUNNER-UP # 6 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


RUNNER-UP # 5 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.


RUNNER-UP # 4 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.


RUNNER-UP # 3 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.


RUNNER-UP # 2 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.


RUNNER-UP # 1 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


THE WINNER A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Confucius say,

 "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money"



FUNNY THOUGHT
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

THE INTELLECTS

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

DOUBLE MARTINI

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."