JUNE

TOY DISCLAIMERS

* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this
product.

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish
glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* Some dismemberment may occur.

* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended. *Do not
attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to
make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

* NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace"
assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which
spawned it.

* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

You Were With Me

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know  what?  You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got  fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you  were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the  house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you  were still by my side...You know what?"

  "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill  with warmth.

  "I think you're bad luck."

Following In His Footsteps
 
 On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

 "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!"
 
 Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?"

LOSING YOUR GUT

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."



EYEWITNESS

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like
a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

THE BRIDE GAME

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold  or not.
 
 Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
 
 Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
 
 So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
 
 "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
 
 Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
 
 "Absolutely, we made a study," the weather man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Funny Thoughts

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn



QUICK WIT:

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

A BLONDE'S BET

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."


The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." 

MEMORABLE TOMBSTONES

These are "reported" to be actual epitaphs on tombstones:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.   (Ruidoso, New Mexico)

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.   (Silver City, Nevada)

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.  (Ribbesford, England)

Margaret Daniels
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.   (Richmond, Virginia)

Anna Hopewell
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
(Enosburg Falls, Vermont)

Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.    (Albany, New York)

An anymous tombstone:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.       (Stowe, Vermont) 

"Lost at Sea"
 
 Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat
 following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
 rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
 This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
 
 Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
 "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
 
 Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
 After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
 Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." 

"The Brothel"
 
 Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

 Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
 
 Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill." 
  
     

"Water to Wine"
 
 A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
 
 "Just water," says the priest.
 
 The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" 
 
 The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

"You've Been Out Drinking Again"
 
 An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender  finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to  leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same  result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and  maybe that will sober him up.
 
 Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided  to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood  up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
 When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
 
 He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
 
 Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
 
 "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
 
     

THE SEARCH FOR PEACE

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. 
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes, please" she replied.  "Tell him my mother didn't come over after all."

  

Irish Prayer
 
 Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket  when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

A HARE WITH ATTITUDE

A young woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's
dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit clearly
does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on
another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman,
embarrassed. But Fluffy only squats in the middle of the
room and does its business.

The rabbit then starts a fight with someone's cat pursues
it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest
of the customers in the waiting room and says, "Pardon
me... but I just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

Making War On Iraq

 Hello Mr Hussein," a heavily Irish accented voice says, "This is
 Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!!"
 
 "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This is indeed important news! Tell  me, how big is your army?"
 
 "At this moment in time," says Paddy, after a moments calculation, "there's myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - that makes 8!"
 
 Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have more than a million men in my army waiting to move on my word."
 
 "Oh sh**!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
 
 Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
 
 "What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.
 
 "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
 
 Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
 
 "Bejaize!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
 
 Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
 
 "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get  ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Ted's cropsprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit .... and the bridge team have joined us as well!"
 
 Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand MIG 109 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air missile sites. Oh! By the way, since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
 
 "Oh b******s!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
 
 Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
 
 "Right Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
 
 "I'm very sorry to hear that" says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"
 
 "Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can  cope with 2 million prisoners!"

Actual Employee Evaluations
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
 
 * Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom  and shows signs of starting to dig.
 
 * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
 curiosity.
 
 * I would not allow this man to breed.
 
 * This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
 of a definitely won't be.
 
 * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like  a rat in a trap.
 
 * When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change  whichever foot was previously in there.
 
 * He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
 
 * This man has delusions of adequacy.

 * He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve  them.
 
 * This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
 
 * This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
 
 * Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
 
 * Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds
  it together.
 
 * A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
 
 * A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
 
 * Bright as Alaska in December.
 
 * Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using  it.
 
 * Fell out of his family tree.
 
 * The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't  coming.
 
 * This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
 
 * If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
 
 * Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
 
 * If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
 
 * If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
 
 * It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
 
 * Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
 
 * Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Maths

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to
let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. 
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you
get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes
intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me
the answer to this.  What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it
right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"


Funny Thoughts
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
- Woody Allen


QUICK WIT:
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

Q&A

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing 
an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."

23. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

24. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

25. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

26. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan.

27. Q: Where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

28. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

29. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

30. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo.

"Hey! Wanna Hear a Blonde Joke?"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

JOB DESCRIPTIONS
 
 An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both
 ends and is now growing in the middle.
 
 A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
 
 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when
 the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it
 begins to rain.
 
 An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why
 the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
 
 A statistician is someone who is good with numbers
 but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
 
 An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a
 plane, because that decreases the chances that there
 will be another bomb on the plane.
 
 A programmer is someone who solves a problem you
 didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
 
 A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking
 for a black cat that isn't there.
 
 A topoligist is a someone who doesn't know the
 difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
 
 A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word
 document and calls it a "brief."
 
 A psychologist is someone who watches everyone
 else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
 
 A professor is one who talks in someone else's  sleep.
 
 A consultant is someone who takes the watch off
 your wrist and tells you the time.
 
 A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes
 hours.

One Liners...
  
 Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
 
 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
 
 Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

 Chastity is curable, if detected early.
 
 Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
 Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
 
 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
 you.
 
 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 
 Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
 
 A good pun is its own reword.
 
 Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
 
 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
 
 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
 
 If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
 
 Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
 
 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
 
 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 
 I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

ADVICE TO GIVE YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.