JUNE

Q:  Which side of a cat has the most fur?

A:  The outside.

A Dog's Diary
 Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron
 
 5:30am:  Started the day as a hero!  When the sound of the
 newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake!  I roused my master by licking him in the face.

  He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms.  His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired.

 Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.
 
 7:30am:  Invaders!  The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house.   Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.

 This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn.  My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily.  I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

 10:00am:  I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet.  It's not easy being a dog.
 
 1:00pm:  I have the most thoughtful master in the world!  While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter.  It was even gift- wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth.  The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center.  I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
 
 2:00pm:  Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present.  He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.
 I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.  When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
 
 4:00pm:  Spent the afternoon with the girls.  A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks.  "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto.

 We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.  Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road?
 Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack.
 I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.
 
 5:00pm:  What a treat!  On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile.
 After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill.
 Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.
 
 6:00pm:  Of all the times to get a bath!  My master, still in a
 foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering.  Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
 
 9:00pm:  Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home.  Ah, the life of a dog.

Management Quotes
 
  Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for
 people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
 
 As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
 building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
 taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
 in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales
 at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
 
 What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
 encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
 
 E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
 should be used only for company business (Accounting manager,
 Electric Boat Company)
 
 This project is so important, we can't let things that are
 more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
 manager, United Parcel Service)
 
 Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
 No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
 We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
 few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
 (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
 
 Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
 
 We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
 "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
 regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
 Affairs Division)
 
 One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
 He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
 tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
 Greeting Cards.)

More Thoughts
 
 Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.-- Max Frisch
 ================
 Don't ya just hate it when you see one of those road signs that
 says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and you don't have a pencil.
 ================
 It isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.
 ================
 SHOES: If they feel good they're ugly, if they look good they hurt.
 ================
 The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. --Oscar Wilde
 ================
 Life is a mystery to be lived...
 
 Not a problem to be solved.
 ================
 Just when you get really good at something, you won't need to do it anymore.
 =================
 All people have at least ten faults. Pick ten you can live with.
 =================
 Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for
 fish.

"Puns of the Weak"
 
  What Biblical character was fatherless? Joshua -- who was the son of Nun!
 
  Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.
 
 Undertakers usually have a grave attitude even if they are dying to get your business.
 
  Circular arguments often make the rounds.
 
  With all the dfferent types and sizes of light bulbs offered in
 those giant hardware stores, how to you pick the right one for you?
 By the process of illumination.

  How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
 
 Dark Ages: Knight Time
 
 What happens if you throw a centigrade thermometer up in the air?
 It becomes fair in height.
 
 The student who said his bible had been run over by a steamroller was stretching the truth.
 
  Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.
  They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.
  He resisted just one,
  But a pair?  Too much fun!
  So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!
   
 Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored but there was still some left for Mal who was busy with other things. When Mel was asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."
 
  
 A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called Frisky whenever it was in her room and Ballpoint whenever it was in the sty. He asked her, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" 'She replied,  "Ballpoint is just his pen name."
 
 Earning his major in music and minor in geology, the youthful
 graduate looks for a job in a big rock band.
 
 Change is inevitable, except in vending machines.
 
 Dunking: A ruler who abdicates his throne.
 
 KGB: A bee you can't get a straight answer out of.
 
 "I think I'll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo,"
 the sculptor said disarmingly.
 
 The bridge-playing musician, pondering whether to take the trick or let it go, finally decided to trumpet.
 
 
 If a clock maker owns a cat it will probably have tics. 
 
 Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
 lawyers? It's called Sosumi  
 
 
 What do you get when you cross a wolf with a polyester jacket?  A wash-and-wearwolf.
 
 If you cross LSD with birth control pills, do you win a trip
 without the kids?
 

 What are the parts of speech? The parts of speech are lungs and air. 
 
 
 Parking: Top golfer at the country club

  
 They call her "Appendix" because you only take her out once.
 
 
  A cannibal invited a friend over for supper one evening. While
 enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a mean soup!"
 The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."
 
   
 Elixir: What her dog does when she comes home
 
 
 If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself.
 

  I asked my speech recognition program "Can you recognise speech?"
 Its response was "No I can't wreck a nice beach."
 
 Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
 
 Sign at a nudist camp: Sorry - Clothed for the winter.
 
 Which of the five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of decency. 
 
 Aardvark: Strenuous labor
 
  
 What might you say to tell the cows and sheep it is time to sleep?
 It's pasture bedtime
 
  
 Burglarize:  What a crook sees with

  
 A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do you think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"
"Whoah!" says the doc. "One at a time."
 
 
 Fat chance I'll join Weight Watchers!
 
 A TV antenna installer met a lady TV antenna installer on a rooftop They fell in love and decided to get married. The wedding was nothing special, but the reception was fantastic!
 
 They had wanted to hold the reception on the moon, but decided against it as there would be no atmosphere
 
  
 "Look over there!" said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?" To which the second skunk calmly replied, "Let us spray."

Religions

Capitalism
  He who dies with the most toys wins.

Hare Krishna
  He who plays with the most toys wins.

Catholicism
  He who denies himself the most toys wins.

Anglican
  They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox
  No, they were OURS first.

Polytheism
  There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism
  The toys made themselves.

Baptist
  Once played, always played.

Church of Christ Scientist
  We are the toys.

Communism
  Everyone gets the same number of toys and you go straight to
  hell if we catch you selling yours.

Baha'i
  All toys are just fine with us.

Amish
  Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism
  The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Hedonism
  To heck with the rulebook. Let's play!

Hinduism
  He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses.

7th Day Adventist
  He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses.

Church of Christ
  He whose toys make music loses.

Calvinist
  Once played, always played.

Jehovah's Witnesses
  He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins.

Pentecostalism
  He whose toys can talk wins.

Existentialism
  Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism
  Once a toy is dipped in the water it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism
  We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with
  them.

Atheism
  There is no toy maker.

Agnosticism
  It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
  difference.

Branch Davidians
  He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.

Mormonism
  Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo
  Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Apathy
  Toys? Why do I need toys?

Judaism
  I'm selling toys. You buying?

Church of Scientology
  Toys 'R' Us.

The Gifts
 
 Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

The Boss
 
 A bullied husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"you don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."

Of course, the husband takes the doctors advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from ME. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes.
Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay home where you belong. AND another thing... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," says his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Painfully Bad Analogies
 
 From The Washington Post's Painfully Bad Analogies contest:
 
  
  --The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
 Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
 
 --She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
 room-temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
 
 --Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
 (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
 
  --The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
 
  --Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
 (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

 --She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
 
  --It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
 
  --Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

 --She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
 
 --It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
 
 --Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a
 first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
 tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
 
 --A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant.
 (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
 
 --Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Harry's Sins
 
  There was a tradesman, a painter called Harry, who was very
 interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.  As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches.
 
 Harry put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the
 planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
 
 Well, Harry was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job
 nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Harry clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.  Harry was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh God!  Forgive me!  What should I do?"  And
 from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
 
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 "Repaint! Repaint!  And thin no more!"

KITCHEN PLAQUE SAYINGS

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious

* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT

* Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

* My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending
machines.

* No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

SAYINGS

1.   Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand...you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10.   The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
28.  How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

A chuckle a day keeps the doctor away

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

      A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was
         liquidating.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
      A. That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
      A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
      A. Honda; because the apostles were all in one Accord. (Acts 2:1)

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
      A. Samson; he brought down the house.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
      A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out of their garden?
      A. They raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
      A. He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
      A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
      A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
      A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most notable lawbreaker in the Bible?
      A. Moses, because he broke all Ten Commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
      A. The area around the Jordan; there, the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
      A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
      A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
      A: Because Noah sat on the deck

  Solve this riddle.

   It's more powerful than God.
   It's more evil than the Devil.
   The poor have it.
   The rich need it.
   If you eat it you will die.

   Believe it or not, 70% of elementary school children quizzed solved the riddle, and only 17% of college age people figured it out.

   Good luck.




     The answer is NOTHING -

Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. After swimming for a few hours, the magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another, and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer: "OK," she said, "I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"

BLONDE STRIKES BACK!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A Final Tribute
 
  A member of the "mob" had recently died, and all
 of his close friends and associates had gathered
 at his funeral to pay tribute. It was customary
 for his closest friends to show their "respect"
 by putting some money into his casket.
 
 Ten of them stopped by to visit, and as each one did,
 he put a crisp $1000 bill into the casket.
 
 The last one stopped at the coffin, and some people
 noticed him putting something in and apparently taking
 something out as well.
 
 After the funeral service, one of the other friends
 asked him what he put in the casket.
 
 He replied: "Well, Joe was one of my closest and dearest
 friends. I didn't want to be shown up by all the others,
 so I put in a check for $20,000 and took back $10,000
 in change."

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY

   DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on  hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered  an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
 
 
   CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
   If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there
   is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
 
 
   BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not  necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
 
 
   HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are  the rules for "hampering."
 
   1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
   the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
 
   2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
 
   3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the
   most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
   knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.
 
   4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
   income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in
   mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked
   on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering  them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
 
   5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
 
   6)  When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay  in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress!
 
 
   WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when
   they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
   first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination
   skills.
 
 
   BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot  move around.
 
 
   When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out
   of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
   between their toes.
 
 
   Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they  love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do  come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you  will probably get a treat.

The Cure... It Aint!
 
 A Blonde was having some physical problems and her doctor
 told her that she had to drink warm water with Epsom salts
 one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week she returned
 and the doctor asked if she was feeling better. The Blonde said that she actually felt worse.
 
 "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each
 day?" the Doc asked.
 
 "No," replied the Blonde somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could
 only do about 15 minutes!"

THE SUCCESSFUL PAINTER

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

Signs That You Are Too Drunk
 
 * Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
 
 * You fall off the floor.
 
 * You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
 
 * You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the
 earth.
 
 * Job interfering with your drinking.
 
 * Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

 * The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
 
 * Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
 
 * 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think
 not!
 
 * You can focus better with one eye closed.
 
 * The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
 
 * Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
 
 * Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
 
 
 * Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
 
 * You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom,
 you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?
 
 * Roseanne looks good.
 
 * That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
 
 * Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
 more attractive.
 
 * You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
 Alcohol, and the opposite sex.
 
 * Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a
 glass.
 
 * The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
 
 * You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the
 night.
 
 
 * Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
 
 * You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your
 Oldsmobile.
 
 * Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as
 you blew out your birthday candles.
 
 * Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
 
 * Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the
 Vodka.
 
 * For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.
 
 * Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt
 Bea's pancakes.
 
 * For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the
 car.
 
 * You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast
 shakes made with Jim Beam.
 
 * Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in
 the shape of a bottle.
 
 * Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit
 Man!"
 
 * The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you
 to find your pants.
 
 * Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity
 into a pan of frying onions.
 
 * Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the
 goat.
 
 * You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan
 and not a personal challenge.
 
 * You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a
 merry-go-round.
 
 * You sound like you're speaking a different language and get
 irritated when others don't understand you.
 
 * You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have
 real small peckers?"
 
 * You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.

SEEING-EYE POOCH

Bill and Derek are out walking their dogs -- Bill has a German shepherd, while Derek is trailing a Chihuahua. They've been out for a while and Bill suggests stopping in at cafe for some coffee.

"We can't go in there with the dogs," replies Derek.

"Sure we can," says Bill. "Just follow my lead."

Bill puts on his sunglasses and walks into Starbucks. A barrista stops him and says, "Sir, you can't bring a dog in here."

"This is my seeing-eye dog," says Bill, and the barrista lets him in.

Derek watches this exchange, shrugs and puts on his sunglasses. The same barrista meets him as soon as he gets in the door. "Sir, you can't bring a dog in here."

"This is my seeing-eye dog," says Derek.

Skeptically, the barrista says, "Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?"

"They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!?!?!"

The Old Cowboy

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a  cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and  chaps went to a bar and ordered a               drink.  As he sat sipping his whiskey,   a young lady sat down next to him.
                                                
  After she ordered her drink, she  turned to the cowboy and asked him,   "Are you a real cowboy?"                 
                                           
  To which he replied, "Well, I have  spent my whole life on the ranch,  herding cows, breaking horses,  mending fences.  I guess I am." 
                                        
  After a short while, he asked her what she was.  She replied, "I am a lesbian.  I spend my whole day  thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of  women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me  think of women."

  A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
  A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
  To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out  that I'm a lesbian."

THE MOLE FAMILY

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Debt Collector

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor
 
 "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
 
 "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
 
 The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
 
 "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
 
 When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred
 is gone for cotton again,?"
 
 "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
 
 Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided
 to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But
 sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this
 inscription: . . . "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Airline Safety
 
 While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered,
and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed,
"one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their
seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked
by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other
side.
 
 The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crewmember attached the package to their backs.
 
 "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
 
 The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about."

 "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."

Two rules for life:

  1. Don't tell people everything you know.
  2.



THE RULES

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she
must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a
flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did
or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express
written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any
time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the
Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male
know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at
all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female
meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he
can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void
and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily
harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must
refer to Rule #5.