MARCH

Locked Car

A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice.

"No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car

Little boys

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised." he replies.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

The Zoo

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.

In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.

Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time.

"Bloody hell," roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again."

Effeciency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"
The expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Golf

* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

CAN'T TOUCH THIS

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you
can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me
an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

Definitions

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \e-klips'\:
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.

HOME ALONE

A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was
opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is
your Mother or Father at home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the
carpet, and asked, "What do you think?"

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," claims Little Red Riding Hood. Again, the surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm just trying to take a dump!"

ON THE CONDITION OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.

I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.
I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...
scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."


Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, connsidering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Q: What do you get if you cross a river and a stream?
A: Wet feet.




"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit.
There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
--W.C. Fields

What Love is all about

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9.

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7.

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8.

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9.

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7.

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10.

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8.

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8.

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8.

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
Bobby, age 9.

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold...Other people care more about the food."
Bart, age 9.

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
Sarah, age 9.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8.

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
Dave, age 8.

FUNNY (and real) SIGNS

On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van; Cincinnati area:
"A flush beats a full house!"

This is what is on a sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan:
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection."

In the Key West International Airport's souvenir store:
"Unattended children will be sold into slavery."

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store
"We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI:
PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

MORE WISE ADVICE FROM CHILDREN

"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants."
- Ari K, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
- Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs
at you."
- Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
- Steven B, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from."
- Susannah K., age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off."
- Jon G., age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
- Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
- Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing."
- Emma B., age 4

Cliffdriving

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your brand-new Porsche.




The Car

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Fighting

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?

After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.




Parents' Dictionary

DUMBWAITER
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS
The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL
When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF
A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL
Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT
None of the kids that live in your house

Seniors Golfing

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"

What's Wrong With Me?

"I have a problem, Doc. When I drive to work on the country lanes, I start singing 'Green, Green Grass of Home', if I see a cat, it's 'What's New, Pussycat?', a girl is 'She's a Lady'... Even when I'm asleep... Last night I started singing 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused! What's wrong with me?"

"Well," the doctor replied, "it appears that you've contracted Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Well, I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the patient.

"It's not unusual..." replied the doctor.

A Shorty!

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."

Thanking?

Recently I was reading one-on-one with a first grade student who encountered the words "thank you" for the first time in print.
Hoping she would use some of her newly learned reading strategies,
I gave her plenty of time to work out the word herself. After a few moments, I decided to tell her the word "thank." When she didn't respond, I said more emphatically, "Thank."

She responded, "I'm thanking. I'm thanking."

SUNDAY SNOOZE

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."




My Memory's Gone

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

"Nobody drove me to drink...
but they had to drive me back."
-- John Barleycorn




DON'T MESS WITH THE IRS

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.

The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

MORE SAYINGS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

She's got her finger on the problem....

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6000 for these, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'"

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportioned to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.

Get Out...And Don't Come Back!

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later,...the shipping clerk askes the owner, "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"

THE PERFECT MATE

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady,
what you really want is a television set!"

Ring

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.
A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?"
"Yes," came the reply.

"Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."

A Couple of Shorties

A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft.

They stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, is that a U-boat?"

"No," he replied "shesa belonga to da government".

~~~

Far more ominous than the sound of a riot is to hear a bunch of kids go suddenly quiet.

Keep Smiling!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
[Mark Twain]

Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.
[Donald J. Morgan, Columbus, Ohio]

I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
[Rev. Denny Brake]

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
[Rev. Denny Brake]