MAY

CHILDREN'S ANSWERS IN MUSIC EDUCATION.

  These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in  the state of Missouri, circa 1989. Source:  Missouri School Music  Newsletter.

  * It is important to be able to reach the brakes on any piano.

  * Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a  pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

  * It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas.  Just grip the
  neck  and shake him in rhythm.

  * My favorite instrument is the bassoon.  It is so hard to play
  people  hardly ever play it.  That is why I like the bassoon best.

  * I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow  or  Friday be best?

  * The plural form of musical instrument is known as orchestra.

  * Tubas are a bit too much.

  * A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only the opposite.

  * The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

  * The flute is a skinny-shape-high-sounded instrument.

  * Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word used by many player-types.

  * Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets  to  be the conductor.

  * The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

  * For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every  line  of flute music.  You just watch.

  * The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in  the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person  is  elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a  violin  real good.

  * Question:  Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
  Answer:  Yes.

  * Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I  both found out and got in trouble.

  * A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

  * Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

  * Question:  What are kettle drums called?
  * Answer:  Kettle drums.

  * When electric currents go through them, guitars start making
  sounds.  So would anybody.

  * The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and
  bass  fiddle.  It has so many names because it is so huge.

* While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

* A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

* Another name for kettle drums is timpani. Or else you can just  stick  with the first name and learn it good.

  * Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

* You should always say 'chili' when you mean there are two or more  cellos.

  * A tuba is much larger than its name.

  * A harp is a nude piano.

  * My favorite composer is Opus.

  * My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

  * Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the  Hatfields  and the McCoys.

  * Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long  ago.

  * Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were  happy.

  * A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on  the odium.

  * Caruso was at first an Italian.  Then someone heard his voice and  said he would go a long way.  So that's why he came to America.

  * I know what a sextet is but I'm not allowed to say.

  * Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

  * When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any
  passing  eardrums.  But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from  hurting.

  * In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one  he  really loves.  Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all  live  happily ever after.

  * An opera is a song of bigly size.

  * Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers.  It is unusual to be contemporary.  Most composers do not live until  they are  dead.

  * Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard  of.

  * Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he  wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when  everyone was calling him.  I guess he could not hear so good.
  Beethoven expired in 1827  and later died from this.

  * Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was  rather  large.

  * John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

  * A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

  * Refrain means don't do it.  A refrain in music is the part you
  better  not try to sing.

  * Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

The Rooster Joke

  This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
  So, he goes down the road  to the next farmer and asks if he has a  rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got  this great rooster, named Kenny.  He'll service every chicken you  got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but  the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer  takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the  rooster a pep talk.  I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a  lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
  Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and  have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to  understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took  off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house -  three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the  farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in  there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by  the lake.  Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

  By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and  pheasants.  The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive  rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer wakens the  next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle  of the yard.  Buzzards are circling overhead.

  The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a  colorful and expensive  animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace  yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done  to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling  in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"Me fail English? That unpossible!"
- Ralph Wiggum

Applying For A New Job

  A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along  came Murphy. The boss thought "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman,"
  so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able  to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job  without getting into an argument.

  The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the
  number 9."  Murphy says, "Dat s easy" and proceeds to draw three  trees. The boss says,"What the hell's that?"
            _
Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine".
 "Fair enough," says the boss.
"Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Murphy stares into space for a while, then  makes a smudge on each tree.  "Der ya go, sir" he says.  The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

  Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n'dirty
  tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

  The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so
  he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but
  represent the number 100".

  Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" he
  makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There
  ya go sir 100."

  The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this  time."  He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that  represents a hundred."

  Murphy leans forward, points to the marks at the tree bases, and  says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now  you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty  tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?" 
 



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored."
- Evelyn Waugh

The Ghosts of Presidents Past

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend
his first night in the White House, but something very
strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened
by George Washington's ghost. Bush asked the ghost,

"President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,"
advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still
couldn't sleep well, and then, later on that night, the
ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson
answered.

Bush still couldn't sleep well, and much later he saw
another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?" Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

Two Sisters 
                                    
  Two nuns went out of the  convent to sell cookies.        
  One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM)         |
  and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).      
  It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

  SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

  SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

  SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

  SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
      What can we do?

  SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start  walking faster.

  SM: It is not working.

  SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do.  He started to walk faster too.

  SM: So, what shall we do?  At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

  SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way.  He cannot follow both of us.

  So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.  Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived.  Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

  SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

  SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

  SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

  SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

  SM: So what happened?

  SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

  SM: And what else?

  SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

  SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

  SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

  SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

  SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

  SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

  SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

HOW TO LEAVE YOUR LONG MARK ON HISTORY
 
 A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a
 long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder
 on his corn flakes every morning.
 
 The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
 
 When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of
 the crematorium.

EXPLANATION OF GOD

It was written by an 8 year old, Danny Dutton of Chula
 Vista, CA, for his third grade homework assignment.
 The assignment was to explain God.
 
 
 "One of God's main jobs is making people.  He makes
 them to replace the ones that die, so there will be
 enough people to take care of things on earth.  He
 doesn't make grown-ups, just babies.  I think because
 they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't
 have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk
 and walk.  He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
 
 "God's second most important job is listening to prayers.
 An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like
 preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God
 doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of
 this. Because He hears everything, there must be a
 terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought
 of a way to turn it off.
 
 "God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere
 which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting
 His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking
 for something they said you couldn't have.
 
 "Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't
 think there are any in Chula Vista.  At least there
 aren't any who come to our church.
 
 
 "Jesus is God's Son.  He used to do all the hard work
 like walking on water and performing miracles and
 trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn
 about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching
 to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and
 kind, like His Father and He told His Father that
 they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive
 them and God said O.K.

 "His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done
 and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't
 have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in
 heaven.  So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by
 listening to prayers and seeing things which are
 important for God to take care of and which ones He
 can take care of Himself without having to bother God.
 Like a secretary, only more important.

 "You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to
 help you because they got it worked out so one of
 them is on duty all the time.
 
 "You should always go to church on Sunday because it
 makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to
 make happy, it's God. Don't skip church or do
 something you think will be more fun like going to
 the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't
 come out at the beach until noon anyway.
 
 "If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist,
 you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go
 everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is
 good to know He's around you when you're scared in the
 dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into
 real deep water by big kids.
 
 "But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can
 do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take
 me back anytime He pleases.

 And...that's why I believe in God."

"Puns of the Weak"
 
 If you do not wish to get to the point, you should not play leap
 frog with a unicorn.
 
 What's a Hindu? She lays eggs. 
 
  Miners with illuminated helmets say it makes them feel lightheaded.
  
  Imagine the thrill of the first caveman to tap a stalactite and
 discover rock music.

  The self-centered trumpet player liked to toot his own horn.
  
  The police arrested one nudist but they couldn't pin a thing on
 him.

  An itinerant preacher went about on horseback, delivering the
 sermon on the mount.
 
 "Sea Birds" by" Al Batross
 
 The first king was crowned in a reign coat.  
 
 Two cans of paint got married. Three months later she snuggles up to him and says, "Honey, I think I'm pigment!"
 
 Two cannibals were sitting by a fire.The first says, "Gee, I hate
 my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."
  
 Willie Nelson sings a commercial for a Japanese car: "Honda Road Again!"
 
 Fad: Something that goes in one era and out the other. 
 
  Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
 
 "Goodbye, and thanks for the radio", said Tom with a short wave.
 
 "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
 
  The conductor who didn't pay his orchestra had to face the music.
 
 The librarian refused his dinner offer because she was booked.
 
 In an election year many politicians engage in acts of outrageous promise-cuity. 

 My nudist girl friend and I split up. It seems we were seeing too much of each other. 

   If George Washington were still alie today, he'd be dead.
 
 When complaining about foreigners, it's not a case of who has the greener grass but who has the bigotry.
 
 When my wife found out about my other wife, she wanted to leave me, but I was able to convince her that supporting two wives was big o' me.
 
 Using a cellular phone in Italy can cost you astronomically because of Roman charges.
 
 "Slimming" by Lena Boddy
 
 From the public's perspective, an obnoxious king might be
 considered a royal pain.
 
 Tired of listening to a lengthy plea for clemency on behalf of a
 man condemned to be hanged, the judge said, "I think we had better let the subject drop!"

 A pharmacist and a patient had a pill owe fight 
 
  How can you sing so high when you are solo?
 
 What could you call a device that causes rapid mutating to occur? A Gene Wilder
 
 What did the nasty patient do to the dermatologist? Got under his skin.
 
 Abundance: Big party held in a bakery
 
 My no-fault insurance does not cover earthquakes.
 
  If cows eat grass, can you get high on milk?
 
 "Doctor, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other  mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse." "Hmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
 
 Why can't you hide from Pokemon? Because it will Pikachu.  
 Arch criminal: One who robs shoe stores 
 
 Money Talks: In Japan it yens for attention.
 
 A cryptographer takes pictures of tombs.
 
 When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it.
  
  A lone calf should be scene, not herd.
 
 Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down. 
 
  KGB: A bee you can't get a straight answer out of.

  Ever since a lawyer joined our nudist colony he hasn't had a suit.
 
 My plumber often takes time off for a leak.
 
  Parking lot:  A place where arguments start from scratch. 
 
 Shakespeare married an Avon lady. 
 
 We were worried last week. With those higher temperatures came quite a bit of flooding.  But that's all water over the bridge.
  
 "Don't ya just hate it when you see one of those road signsthat
 says 'Draw Bridge Ahead' and you don't have a pencil."

 Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker and Jessie Jackson are working together on a book to be titled, "Ministers Do More than Laypeople."
 
 Coffee: A brewed awakening
 
 "I'm on a light diet," she said.  "I eat from daylight on!"
 
  "Postulate," I complained to my tardy mail carrier. 
 
 What do you say to a Wildebeest who just became a parent?
 Congratulations on your gnu baby.
 
 My dog has only one nostril. He is a half-breathe. He also
 underpants. 
 
 "Addicted" by Nick O'Teen
 
  Festival: I have geography homework to do tonight, but festival I'm going to watch TV.
 
  Zealots:  Vhat zee German real eztate dealerz try to do.

 The difference between our legal system and a skating rink, is one is justice and the other is just ice.
 
  Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom
 
  Country Song of the Year: "I Used To Kiss Her On The Lips, But It's  All Over Now."
 
  I don't like people who don't have all 10 digits on their feet I'm lack toes intolerant.
 
 Defect in a donkey: Ass Fault

 Genealogy: Chasing your own tale
 
 The postman delivered to the Chinese vessel junk mail. 
 
 Someone robbed the wig factory. I've been combing the area for clues.
 
 A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad

2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

3) Robert: Dad's New Wife

4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her

7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8) All Cats Go to Hell

9) The Little Sissy That Snitched

10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?

11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.

12) Grandpa Gets a Casket

13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool

14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17) Strangers Have the Best Candy

18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19) You Were an Accident

20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

22) Your Nightmares Are Real

23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?

24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown

25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots


  1.  Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
      man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
      (counterfeit) $16 bills.


  2.  A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
      49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
      while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
      head.


  3.  A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
      safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the
      use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
      Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents
      was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries
      in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others
      fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his
      head falling off a chair while watching the film.


  4.  The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
      nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
      one within city limits.


  5.  A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
      St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
      fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
      complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.


  6.  Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
      years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
      the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
      reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
      confused the copier with the shredder.


  7.  A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a
      few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
      robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
      see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his
      name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car
      he had stolen over the lunch hour.


  8.  Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
      suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
      connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
      The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
      police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
      suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie
      detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


  9.  When two service station attendants in Ionia,
      Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
      robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
      refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.


  10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
      walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
      chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
      vehicle to a stop.

White collar crime

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison
 because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
 
 "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm
 in here for a white collar crime too."
 
 "Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I
 was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
 
 "Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the
 convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."

Ventriloquist Cowboy

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an  Indian sitting on a bench.
 
 Cowboy: Hey, cool dog.  Mind if I speak to him?
 
 Indian: Dog no talk.
 
 Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
 
 Dog: Doin' all right.
 
 Indian: [Extreme look of shock]
 
 Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
 
 Dog: Yep
 
 Cowboy: How's he treating you?
 
 Dog: Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me  great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to  play.
 
 Indian: [look of disbelief]
 
 Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
 
 Indian: Horse no talk.
 
 Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
 
 Horse: Good day to you Mr. Cowboy.
 
 Indian: [extreme look of shock]
 
 Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
 
 Horse: Yep
 
 Cowboy: How's he treating you?
 
 Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me  regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the  barn to protect me from the elements.
 
 Indian: [total look of amazement]
 
 Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
 
 Indian: Sheep lie!

New Ranch

This New York lawyer had always dreamed of owning his own  cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
 
 "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend
 when he flew out to visit the ranch
 
 "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new city cowboy. 
 
 "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the
 -Double R Lazy L Not For Profit Trust, Ltd. Ranch-. "
 
 "Wow!" his friend was impressed.  But looking around he saw  no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"
 
 "None of 'em survived the branding."

Marriage Insight

 Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
 our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." --Kathleen Mifsud
 
 The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft
 
 Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal
 partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
 --  Bill Cosby
 
 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
 marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
 
 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
 
 My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
 
 My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield

 A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 -- Milton Berle

 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 -- George Burns

 What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
 
 When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
 -- Elaine Boosler
 
 I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
 
 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
 
 My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
 --Rita Rudner
 
 The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
 
 People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
 
 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are
 beautiful.
-- Anonymous

POLLY WANTS A WHAT?!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

COME AGAIN?

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about his new hearing aid. He said, "This hearing aid is so good that I can hear a pin drop to the floor 60 feet away."

The friend said, "What kind is it?'

The old man looked at his watch and said, "It's two thirty."

The Best Beer

  After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery  presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits  down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a  Corona."

  The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

  The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,  give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

  The bartender gives him one.

  The guy  from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky  Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."  He gets it.

  The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

  The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

  The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't  you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, I  figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

The Cynic's Guide to Life

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
 
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses.
 Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
 
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
 Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
 Do not walk beside me, either.  Just leave me                     alone.

 4. If you don't  like my driving, don't call anyone.  Just take another road.  That's  why the highway department made so many of them.

  5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
  gets the message across like a good mooning.
                                                  
  6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. 
  It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 
                                               
  7. It's always darkest before the dawn. 
  So if you're going to steal the neighbors's newspaper,      
  that's the time to do it.

  8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
  That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

  9. Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually when your car
  windows are down.

  10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors's car.

  11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

  12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.  It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

  13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your  land.

  14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to  get off and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up

The Family Resemblance

 The following ideas about science were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions.  Most were from 5th and 6th graders.

 Q:  What is one horsepower?
 A:  One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

 * The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
 
 * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.  When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
 
 *  South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
 
 *  Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
 
 *  Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.  There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
 
 *  There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.  Finding them all means living forever.
 
 *  Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
 
 *  Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
 
 *  Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
 
 *  We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
 Evaporationg ets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
 
 *  To most people solutions mean finding the answers.  But to
 chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
 
 *  I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
 
 *  Water vapor gets together in a cloud.  When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
 
 *  Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
 
 *  Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
 
 *  It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live
 in other places.
 
 *  Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
 
 Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the
 Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror.  If you stand in
 front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish.
 However, if you tell a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
 
 A redhead of questionable looks walked into the Ladies Room and stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.
 
 Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said,
 "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallowed  her.
 
 Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the mirror and said, "I think..." *POOF*

Fishing
 
 A blonde is driving on the highway. She looks over and sees another  blonde in a wheat field, rowing a boat. She stops and gets out of  her car and says, "What are you doing out there?"
 
 The blonde in the wheat field replies, "Fishing."
 
 Blonde #1 says, "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and kick your butt."

The Deal

 Two sisters inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after
 just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to
 keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to
 purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.
 
 The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their  last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale.  Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister,
 "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you
 to drive out after me and haul it home."
 
 The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and  decided she did want to buy it. The man told her that he would  sell it for 599 dollars, no less. After paying him, she drove to  the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

 She walked into the telegraph office, and said, "I want to send a  telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our  ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and  drive out here so we can haul it home."
 
 The telegraph operator explained that he'd be glad to help her,  then added, "It's just 99 cents a word."  Well, after paying for  the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that  she'd only be able to send her sister one word.
 
 After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
 
 The telegraph operator shook his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
 
 The sister explained, "She'll read it very slowly."

But Why?
 
 A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
 balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"  stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then  takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
 
 His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding  man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out  1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
 
 "But why?" asks the man.
 
 "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A Bad Day
 
 There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink.
 He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making
 truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,
 and just drinks it all down.

 The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man,
 I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
 stand seeing a man crying."
 
 "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
 fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage,
 fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was
 stolen.
 
 The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and
 when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards
 there.

 The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there,
 I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to
 this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
 you show up and drink my poison..."

Heaven
 
 A nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate.
 St. Peter starts asking him all the usual questions
 required to get into heaven.The accountant, it seems,
 has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and
 embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks:
 Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally
 unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?
 
 Well says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady
 being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers.
 So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your
 own size" and then I kicked all their hogs over, all six of
 em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second
 and she managed to run also.
 
 St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life,
 and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"
 
 The accountant replies "About five minutes ago".

Favorite Hymns
 
 The Dentist's Hymn
 ...Crown Him With Many Crowns
 
 The Weatherman's Hymn
 ...There shall be showers of Blessing
 
 The Contractor's Hymn
 ...The Church's One Foundation
 
 The Tailor's Hymn
 ...Holy, Holy, Holy

 The Golfer's Hymn
 ...There is A Green Hill Far Away
 
 The Politician's Hymn
 ...Standing on the Promises
 
 The Optometrist's Hymn
 ...Open My Eyes That I might See
 
 The IRS Agent's Hymn
 ...I Surrender All
 
 The Gossip's Hymn
 ....Pass It On

 The Electrician's Hymn
 ...Send the Light
 
 The Shopper's Hymn...........Sweet By and By

One Liners...

 Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 
 Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
 
 Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf."
 
 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
 An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
 
 Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
 
 As I said before, I never repeat myself.
 
 As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
 
 Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
 
 Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
 
 Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
 
 Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
 
 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 
 How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
 
 Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
 
 I bet you I could stop gambling.
 
 Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
 
 I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
 
 I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
 
 I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
 
 I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?