NOVEMBER

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.  He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.  After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10.." says the doctor.

"10?  10 what?  Months?  Weeks?  What?!"  he asks desperately.

"10... 9... 8... 7..."




Quick Wit:

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a Pitbull?

A dog that bites off your leg and then runs for help

Help Wanted Ads And What They Really Mean

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

   JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

   CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first days.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

   DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

   MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

   CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

   APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

   NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

   SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

   PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

   REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

   GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
 
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be  without sponges.

   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

   Remember half the people you know are below average.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is?

   Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

   He who laughs last thinks slowest.

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked  into jet engines.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

   If at first you don't succeed, destroy all  evidence that you tried. 

   The sooner you fall behind the more time  you'll have to catch up. 

   Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

   How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand...

   If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

The Birthday Gift

 A rich man was trying to find a good birthday gift for his daughter when he saw a poor man leading a beautiful white horse. He told the man he would give him $500 for the horse.
 
 The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good,"
 and he walked away.
 
 The next day the rich man came back and offered the man $1000 for the horse.
 
 The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good."
 
 On the third day, the rich man came and offered $2,000 for the horse and said he wouldn't take no for an answer this time.
 
 The poor man agreed to the sale and the rich man took the horse.
 
 The rich man's daughter loved her birthday present.
 
 She climbed onto the horse's back, urged the horse to go and the horse galloped right into a tree.
 
 The rich man hurried to the poor man's house and demanded an explanation for the horse's blindness.
 
 The poor man said, "I told you it don't look so good."

Laws Of Work
 
 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
 
 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
 
 Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
 
 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
 
 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
 
 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
 
 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
 
 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
 
 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
 a damn fool about it.
 
 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
 
 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
 
 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
 
 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
 
 To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
 
 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
 he/she is supposed to be doing.
 
 Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
 
 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
 
 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
 
 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
 
 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
 
 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
 
 Following the rules will not get the job done.
 
 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
 
 When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
 
 No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
 
 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

The Final Exam
 
 At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic  Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms  and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
 These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia andparty  with some friends there.
 
 They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
 Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
 
 The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night  and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

 He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
 
 They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."
 
 Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Properly Worded

 The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a
 pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following
 sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
 
 He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then  he deleted the word and added another, so the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
 
 Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.
 
 Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.

 "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

A Crazy New Kind Of Car

"Hey, whatever happened to your friend Pedro?"

"He got this crazy idea in his head that he's gonna make a new kind of car."

"How was he going to do that?"

  "Well, he took a motor from a Chevy, tires from a Ford, seats from a Caddy, hubcaps from a Dodge.... you get the idea?"

  "So how did it turn out?  What did he end up with?"

  "Ten years, but with good behavior, he'll be out in six!"

World War III:
 
         The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
 
         Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question:
 
                                 Attack or Retreat?
 
         The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
 
                                 YES.
 
         The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
 Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
 
                                 YES WHAT?
 
         Instantly the computer responded:
 
                                 YES SIR!

Animal Noises
 
   A group of young children were siting in a circle with their
 teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
  
  "Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
  
  "It goes moo, miss"
  
  "Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
  
  "It goes meow, miss"
  
  "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
  
  "It goes baaa, miss"
  
  "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
  
  "Errr.., it goes.. click!"

CAR TROUBLE

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

Dogs, Dogs, And More Dogs!!!

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood.  They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
 
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
 
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream.  A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything.  Let's give it a shot."

   A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
   "Doc, your plan is no good.  I'm more tired than before!"

   "I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

   "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

Pirates

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

The Widow

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light," The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Puns of the Weak

  Among the things money can't buy is what it used to. 

  A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her  turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her  question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,  can you hear it?"
  She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

  I passed by a bar with a blackboard listing the day's menu.
  Underneath "Chef's Special" was written: "The bartender's cute too."
 
  "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
  "Golfing with friends, my dear."  "What? At 2 a.m?!" "Yes, We used  night clubs."

    Donkey: Get's you into the godfathers house

  A soldier never made it back to his base because he had driven his  jeep into AWOL.

  What tool do police use when they need to round up cross-dressing  prostitutes? A dragnet  

  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you  give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your  oyster, go for it."

  I think our lonely bull needs a significant udder..

  There is an ancient Jewish proverb that says that "A Jewish wife  will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
 
  A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a
  police car with lights flashing, reads, "If you drink and drive,
  we'll provide the chasers."

    I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

  What do you do when you are born with two navels?  Give one to the  navel reserve.

  At shoe stores they believe there's dignity in de feet. 

  Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer  lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief, Holmes," said  Watson.
  "How on earth did you deduce that?" "It's a lemon entry, my dear  Watson."

    Accrue : People who work on a ship .

    My friend named his dog Herpes because the dog wouldn't heel.
 
  In 1926 the pogo stick was invented, but it made many people jumpy.
 
  Stereo speakers are made by 'high volume' manufacturers.  
  Forbidden fruit creates jams.

  A farmer wanting to kill a chicken has to move faster than a
  speeding pullet. 

    Flypaper: what kites are made of 

  Alarms : What an octopus is. .

     The televangelist had an altar ego..

  In 1888 chains were made to attach pocket watches to trousers, for  people who couldn't afford to lose time

    Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot  water will not make them tender.

    Give some people an inch, and they want to be a ruler.

    Homogenous: A brilliant gay

THOSE WHACKY ATOMS!

Two atoms were sitting in a bar, and the first atom says to the second atom, "I think I lost an electron."

The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

The first atom replies, "I'm positive."



"Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Been there, done that and done that and done that and done that."

Truth In Labeling: Toy Disclaimers
 
 Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
 
 Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
 
 Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
 
 Some dismemberment may occur.
 
 In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.
 
 Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
 
Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

 Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
 
 NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
 
 Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Questionnaire for Bad Drivers
 
  The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams  given by the California Department of Transportation's driving  school.
 
 Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
 A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
 
 Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
 a four-way stop at the same time?
 A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
 saying,  "Guns don't kill people. I do."
 
 Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
 A: Always wear a condom.
 
 Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
 A: Your car.
 
 Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
 A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
 
 Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
 A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

 Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
 no longer drive lawfully?
 A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
 
 Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
 A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
 
 Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and  a flashing yellow traffic light?
 A: The color.
 
 Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
 A: Heavy psychedelics.
 
 Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
 A: Carry loaded weapons.

Heart Murmur

An old hearing-impaired gentleman was visiting his doctor. The doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"



Quick Wit:

What's the difference between genius and stupidity?
Genius has its limits.

GOOD MEMORY?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. 

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." 

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" 

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

CRAZY, DOC

A patient said to his shrink, "Doc, you've got to help me!  I'm losing my mind.  I can't remember a thing, not what happened last year, or even yesterday.  I am going crazy!"

"How long have you had this problem?" asked the doctor.

Replied the patient, "What problem?"

Puns of the Weak

  Forest:  The purpose behind sedatives
 
 "I suggest you stick to painting, Mr. Van Gogh, you sure don't have an ear for music.
 
 Vampires hate Crosswords.
 
  People, like water,
  Have their heads in clouds before
  They come down to earth
   
 Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a water bed. then they started drifting apart.
 
 "I'm going to kill Dracula!" said Tom painstakingly.
         
  If you're Russia round and Ukraine your neck don't Crimea river.
 
 A young man in Iowa went to the circus one hot summer's day. When he returned, his parents asked him, "How was the circus?"  To which he replied, "It was great, but the heat was in tents."
   
 Bachelor:   One who never makes the same mistake once. 
 
 My inexperienced masseuse had great difficulty locating my sore spots. She did not feel very well.
 
 Everyone hates Cross Pens. They're so unpleasant to work with.
 
  She considered her sculpture a "touchy" subject.
 
 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 
 
  Miser- A person who lets the world go buy.

  A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
  Who was in court for a horrific crime,
  Said, "Your honor, oh no!
  It cannot be so
For I was a broad at the time.
 
 Luftansa has the most Otto pilots. 
 
  What does a computer eat when it's hungry? It eats its chips, one byte at a time.
 
  What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look a little
 flushed.
 
 Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand even when the watch is brand new?
 
 The swimming instructor was sick one day so they sent the golf pro to take his place. I almost drowned. He kept telling me to keep my head down.
 
  A golfer has to have good fore-sight.
 
 All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
  
 It is okay to kiss a fool; it is okay to let a fool kiss you; but
 never ever let a kiss fool you.
 
 A girl knitted her boyfriend a sweater, remarking that it would put mohair on his chest.

  Success is a relative term It brings so many relatives .
 
 The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
  
 Doctors operated on the wrong side of a man's brain. The patient says he has half a mind to sue.
 
 Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
  
  This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman
 pulls him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."
 "'Bout what?" the redneck replies.
 
  Foreclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money
 foreclose.
 
  Nylons give women a run for their money
 
   To be fully appreciated, this story must be read in the nude so, please, bare with me.
 
 Bird walks into a bar and asks for a drink.  The bartender says,
 "Sorry, I can't serve you.  You're a Mynah."
 
 The railroad agent told the Navajo, "The coming of the Iron Horse will bring great prosperity to the Redman," but the Indians had reservations.
 
  One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a sole-mate.
 
 In China, where boats are often used by the postal service, you get a lot of junk mail.
 
  My wife claims I'm a basball fanatic. She says all I ever think of is baseball. I told her she's way off base.
 
 Car salesmen are always trying to sell for the lease amount.   

 Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe.
 "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
 
 Girls tend to give painters the brush off.
 
  What do get when you cross a rabbit with a spider? A hare net!
 
  A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?"
  
  A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves. The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
 
 Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
 
 How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 Two: one to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a
 surprising twist at the end.
 
  Is a misspelling on a tombstone a grave mistake?
 
 When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach.
  
  The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
 
  Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.
 
 Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell the word "straight,"
 Little Johnny did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
 Johnny answered, "Without a mixer." 
 
  I went to a psychiatrist and asked him if he could give me a split personality.  The doctor asked me why.  I told him, "I'm lonely."
  
  The price of food is going out of sight.  My supermarket is turning into a temple.  I see people walking up and down the aisles shouting, 'Oh, my God!
 
  According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

FLYING HUNTERS

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."