OCTOBER

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye:
$100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."



Quick Wit:

What's the difference between a contractor and a puppy?
The puppy will stop whining after about six weeks.

The Signalman

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local
railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal
box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What
would you do if you realized that two trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever
down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the
phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and
use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and
get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do
that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

The Differences Between Men and Women

  SUCCESS: 
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  STYLE:
  Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

  MONEY MANAGEMENT:
  A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. 
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she  doesn't want.

  HAPPINESS:
  To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a  little. 
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
 Men marry because they are tired. 
Women marry because they are  curious. 
Both are disappointed.

  MARRIAGE AND THE  FUTURE:                 
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

  MEMORIES:
  A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry  her. 
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

  UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
  There are two times  when a man doesn't  understand a woman:  before marriage  and after marriage. 

  WHAT A WOMAN WANTS: 
  Only two things  are necessary to  keep one's wife happy: 
    One is to let her  think she is having  her own way.. 
  The other is to let  her have it.

  LONGEVITY: 
  Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

  MISTAKES:
  Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

  THE BATTLE:
  A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Puns of the Weak_

 A scientist kept a close ion her equipment.
 
 She considered her sculpture a touchy subject.
 
 What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice? A Religious Movement

 An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

 I suggest most cross dressers have hidden a gender. 

 A maternity hospital is a heirport. 
 
 Priests who think themselves good at their job have an altar ego.
  
 Cloud bank: a place to save money for a rainy day
 
  Two cannibals sat down at a table in a cannibal restaurant. The waiter said, "All we have left is a missionary from Prague. You can each pay for half." "Okay," said one of the cannibals, "We'll split the Czech."
 
  Supersedes: When you need to have to grow very powerful plants 
 
 A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 
  When he accidentally peed on the cash register, the monkey said,  "This could run into money!"
 
 Why are frogs so happy?  They eat whatever bugs them!
 
   Barrister to Long John Silver: "Frankly, you don't have a leg to stand on."
 
  I got up this morning to watch the sun come up and suddenly it dawned on me.
 
  The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit
 card.
 
 Why was the little ink drop crying?  Because his father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence was gonna be! 
 
 It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.
 
 Did you hear about the Indian who drank 12 gallons of Lipton's?
 They found him the next day, dead in his tea-pee.
 
 Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a
 large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said.
 "Thanks," his friend said,  "I'm gonna miss her."

MEN BASHING Q&A

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling
around on the ground, in pain?
Shoot him again!

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and
the noose.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a man in handcuffs?
Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for
breath, and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after
mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
By renaming the mail folder to "instruction manuals".

TO GOD FROM THE KIDS

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? -Amy

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Puns of the Weak

  Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath'
 
  Hairdresser's: A place where some women go to dye.

 An undertaker always puts a customer in his place.
 
 They had to fire the Massusse at our country club. She was rubbing people the wrong way.
 
  A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say history." The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject!"
 
  They're a perfect match. She's a mathematics' teacher and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
 
  A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserter. 
 
 Gardening is man's effort to improve his lot 
 
 The National Weather Service: A low-pressure work environment.
  
 When does a joke become a father? When the punch line becomes apparent
 
 Bad flower jokes are a pollen.
 
 I asked my son if he understood the meaning of the word "obey." He said, "Yeah, it's a place to go shopping on the Internet."
 
  Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it
 doesn't matter.
 
 The date soldiers wait for is March Forth.
 
 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
 nothing and then they marry him.
 
  Letterbox: Permission for a woman to fight
 
  An artist without a palate makes paintings without taste. 

  They're are a perfect match. He's an airplane pilot and she has friends in high places.
 
 My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding. She called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the plumber.
 
   Trade Secrets: What women do
 
 A Zen master once said to me "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
 
 We should have cake on our birthday and fudge on our age.  
 When dressing up for a masquerade, disguise the limit.
 
  When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.  
  Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
 
 Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
 
  Its better to be looked over than overlooked.
 
 They're a perfect match. She's a cowgirl and he's full of bull.
  
 Maybe: A stinging insect found in late spring
 
 When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.
 
  "I've donated my brain to science," said Tom absent-mindedly.
  
   Some guys view marriage as a matter of wife and debt.
 
 My wife puts popcorn in her pancake batter so the pancakes will turn over by themselves. 
 
   If it's not baroque, don't fix it!
 
 Ski vacations start on a high but go downhill from there.
 
 Some girls string a guy along, only to see if he's fit to be tied.
 
 A glass blower inhaled and got a pane in the stomach.
 
 Join the Surgeon General's team. We run a hell of an operation.
  
 I don't like electrons; they've always had a negative influence on society.
 
  They're a perfect match. He's a night watchman and she never worked a day in her life.
 
 When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
 
  I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
 
 Police can do a search if it's Warranted. 
 
 Castanet: What a fisherman does to catch fish.
 
 "I lost my job because of illness and fatigue" "That's a shame,
 what happened?" "My boss got sick and tired of me."
 
  Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking
 females.
 One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her."Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm...
but is this stool taken?"
 
  Swimmers have to be careful not to get into deep trouble

  Biology: Study of shopping habits
 
 Some people are wise, some are otherwise
 
 They're a perfect match. She's a real estate broker and he has lots to offer.
 
 If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?
 
 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  
 When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
  
  Smoke dynamite, and really blow your mind.

Cats in Physics

                                 Law of Cat Inertia
 A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
 some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
 
                                 Law of Cat Motion
 A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
 reason to change direction.
 
                                 Law of Cat Magnetism
 All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
 proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
 
                             Law of Cat Thermodynamics
 Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
 
                              Law of Cat Stretching
 A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the
 nap just taken.

                               Law of Cat Sleeping
 All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
 
                              Law of Cat Elongation
 A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting  on it.
 
                            Law of Cat Acceleration
 A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
 ready to stop.

                          Law of Dinner Table Attendance
 Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
 
                           Law of Rug Configuration
 No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

 
                             Law of Obedience Resistance
 A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
 
                            First Law of Energy Conservation
 Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore, use as little energy as possible.
 
                          Second Law of Energy Conservation
 Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

                         Law of Refrigerator Observation
 If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
 along and take out something good to eat.

                         Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
 Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
 speed of light.

                          Law of Random Comfort Seeking
 A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
 
                            Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
 All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
 
                                 Law of Cat Embarrassment
 A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

                            Law of Furniture Replacement
 A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the
 cost of the furniture.
 
                       Law of Cat Landing
 A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
 
                       Law of Cat Disinterest
 A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
 amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

                           Law of Pill Rejection
 Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
 velocity.
 
                          Law of Cat Composition
 A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

INTERSTATE LOVE 

4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The Nebraskan replies,

"Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Fighter Pilot Chips
 
 How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He  holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
 ---
 How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.
 ---
 What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't  think he's a fighter pilot....
 ---
 What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
The pig  doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.
 ---
 What do fighter pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.
 ---
 What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A  jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.