SEPTEMBER

Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day

   1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
   2. Do I look like a f**king people person?
   3. This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
   4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
   5. I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.
   6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
   7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
   8. You!...  Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patterof little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
  10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  12. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
13. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  14. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  15. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  17. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  18. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  19. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  20. Are those your eyeballs?  I found them in my cleavage.
  21. I'm not your type.  I'm not inflatable.
  22. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery.  Why should I leave the house?
  23. Not all men are annoying.  Some are dead.
  24. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  25. It ain't the size, it's...  no, it's the size.
  26. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
  27. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  29. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  30. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
  31. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  32. Okay, okay, I take it back!  UnF**k you!
  33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.               
  34. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.  
  35. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it? 
  36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  37. I plead contemporary insanity.            
  38. And which dwarf are you?                 
  39. How do I set a laser printer to stun?   
  40. Meandering to a different drummer.

Waiter

Six months after her husband who was a waiter died, his widow went to see a psychic, who promised she would contact the dead man.
 
 During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
 
 "Honey!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
 
 A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."

Determination

   Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

THE COMPASSIONATE LAWYER

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. 

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

The $64,000 Question...                          

  Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question.  The night before the big question, he told the emcee that  he desired a question on American History. 

  The big night had arrived.  Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience.

  He had become the talk of the week.  He was the  best guest this show had ever seen.  The emcee stepped up to the mic.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your  final question.  You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer.
  Are you ready?"

  Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts.  He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question.  As you know, you may answer either part first.  As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier.  Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

  Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous.  He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank.  American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

  "I'll try the second part first."

  The emcee nodded approvingly.  "Here we go Bob.  I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

  The audience silenced with gross anticipation......

  "Bob, here is your question... And in what year did it happen??"

The Shah And His Wife 

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.  And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan.

  It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic.

  Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy today; there was not much that could be done about his condition. So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time.

  And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him. For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent.

  The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court. And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself.

  Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wrath.
  Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded...
  "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

Actual Instruction Labels

- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

- ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

- ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

- ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.



FUNNY THOUGHT
"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

Q: Why did everyone like to buy the psychic clothes for her birthday?
A: Because they knew she was a medium.
       
                                  
MIND OVER MATTER

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." 

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Puns of the Weak

The doctor who treats anorexics says, "My patients is wearingthin."

Autohypnosis: One method of making an engine stop smoking
Beethoven died in a castle without restrooms. The place was
positively uncanny.

I never like to have coffee because it just is not my cup of tea

It seems to me that outside every thin girl is a fat man trying to
get in.

A math professor in an unheated room is cold and calculating
The union boss promised the janitors a sweeping change.

           Confucius say: Man
           Who guard entry with laser
           Must have photon door!
                            
A psychiatrist on a hike fell into a depression

Why does a tiger have stripes? So he won't be spotted.

When I was young, my family was really poor.Everything I wore - socks, shirts, even handkerchiefs - had been darned over and over by my mother I wasn't the smartest or the handsomest but I sure was the best-darned kid in the neighborhood.

Actor: A person who works really hard at never being himself.

A bird watcher had a mynah problem but with no egrets.

Hypochondriac: Someone who won't let well enough alone.

An egotist is a man who plays too big a part in his own life.

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

In 1949 Calculators were first used. They were so successful, that adding machines began to multiply.

There's a repair shop for baroque musical instruments.

To a wine-lover, life is a cabernet.

If I?m not near the one I love, I love the one I?m near.

What happened when the boy porcupine met the girl porcupine? They got stuck on each other.

Nudist: A person who is never clothes-minded

London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster.
There were only two potential donors: One missed the tube, and the other came on the bus!

There's a rumor that Queen Elizabeth II of England is going to skip Prince Charles and give the crown to Prince William, Charles' son instead when she dies. Would this be considered a Coronary Bypass?

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I was a muffler. I
woke up exhausted.

                      People, like water,
                      Have their heads in clouds before
                      They come down to earth

FEMININE LANGUAGE AND WOMAN-SPEAK

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks.  This will cause
you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the
five minutes that your football game is going to last before
you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that
will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end
with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do
what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised
eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often
a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand.  She is content.  Your best bet is to
not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!: This exclamation, followed by any statement, is
trouble.  Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked
to him about what you were doing last night." If she says
"Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest
exit.  She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do
not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that
we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can say to a man.  "That's OK" means that she wants
to think long and hard before paying you retributions for
what ever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a
raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future
when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in
some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer.  A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or
reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say,
"You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman
will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at
you.  It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.

The Carrier Pigeon:
 
 In the trenches of the First World War a load of troops are hemmed in by the Germans and they're awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon.
 
 They see the pigeon approaching with a message and then the pigeon falls from the sky.
 
 The Captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get the message from the pigeon--nobody steps forward except daft Paddy. He says, "I'll go for my country".

 Anyway, he crawls out of the trench and all you hear are bullets, mortar, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks Paddy is dead.
 
 Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and everyone cheers for his safe return.

 The Captain asks, "Did you get to the pigeon?"
 
 Paddy says, "Yes".
 
 The Captain says, "Did it have a message?"
 
 Paddy says, "Yes".
 
 The Captain says, "What was the message?"
 
 Paddy says, "Coo! Coo!"

The Patient

 A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked  why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

 "Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to
 improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

 "I'm a window washer."

ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared." 

2. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." 

3. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off." 

4. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." 

5. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." 

6. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." 

7. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces." 

8. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Wishful Thinking
 
 A wife went to the police station with her
 next-door neighbor to report that her husband
 was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
 
 She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark
 eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs
 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
 children."
 
 The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is
 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is
 mean to your children."
 
 The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

GROSS vs. COOL

An English professor announced to the class: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?" 



SPARE CHANGE

A bum asked a man on the street for $5. 

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No." 

"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." 

"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" 

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"

Heavy Sleeper

A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He
explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want
you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in
Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get
off in Buffalo."

The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was
furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful
before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.

After he left, a coworker said to the porter, "How could you
stand there and let a passenger abuse you like that?"

"Oh that?" Said the porter. "If you think that was bad, you
should have heard the guy I put off the train in Buffalo!"

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

The latest survey from the Hindsighted Laughzilla Research Institute Of Unscientific Studies (HiLaRIOUS) shows that 99% of all Americans on the Internet today want more money.  The other 1% weren't asked.

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy!  No investment to make, no money to lose!  Try it now!  FREE!

Follow this simple procedure:
1)  Hold down the shift key.
2)  Hit the "4" key four times.

If you want to really see your $$$$ grow exponentially, be sure to send this information to your three closest friends, and make sure that when they forward it on, they copy you once each time they forward it.  Soon you'll have a whole pyramid of $$$$ to sit on, as you laugh your way to the bank.

The American Pizza

 An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if  there's any place around wherehe can get American food.  The  concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just  opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the  phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

  Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the  pizza.  The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing  uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put  on this pizza?"

  The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what  you ordered, pepper only."

The maid

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her own home and a strange woman answers.

WIFE: "Who is this?"

MAID: "This is the maid."

WIFE: "We don't have a maid."

MAID: "I was hired this morning by the man of the house."

WIFE: "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"

MAID: "He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

WIFE: "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

MAID: "What will I have to do?"

WIFE: "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and then gunshots, then more footsteps.

MAID: "What do I do with the bodies?"

WIFE: "Throw them in the swimming pool."

MAID: "But there's no pool here."

A long pause and the wife says, "Is this 832-4821?"

The Interviews

 There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured.
 The only permanent damage he suffered, though, was the amputation  of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual condition, he  was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
 
 Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from  the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own  business. He decided with all this money he had, he now had the  means to own a business.
 
 So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.  But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he  decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
 He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them.
 The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy.
 His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice
 anything unusual about me?"
 
 The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man  got really upset and threw the guy out.
 
 The second interview went even better than the first. This
 candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
 
 This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really  upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
 
 Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even
 better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
 
 The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
 
 Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!

 How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

The Amish Automobile
 
 An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse
 and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,
 I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue
 you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your
 buggy."
 
 "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I
 get home."
 
 "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the
 way that one rein loops across the horse's back and
 around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse.
 That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care
 of that right away!"
 
 Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband
 about her encounter with the cop.  "Well, dear, what
 exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
 
 "He said the reflector is broken," replied the Amish lady.
 
 "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.
 
 The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about
 the emergency brake."

MYSTERIOUS PHRASES EXPLAINED

The following list of phrases and their definitions might
help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to
anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
...I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
...These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"
..An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
...The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
...This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
...I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"
...Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"
...Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"
...Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
...I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
...A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
...Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
...Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"
...A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"
...I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
...They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
...Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"
...I quit.

The Voice

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.  The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
 The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
 
 The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens.  The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."  Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
 
 Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
 
 Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure.  He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
 
 The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's."  So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."  The man does as he is told.
 
 When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."  Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
 
 The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball goes.  The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
 
 The voice says, "Damn."

More Church Announcements
 
 (These are actual clippings from church newspapers It's amazing what a little proofreading would prevent:)
 
 Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
 
 Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
 
 "Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
 
 Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 
 "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
 
 "Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.
 Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
 
 The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
 
 The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus. "
 
 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
 
 Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
 
 The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy. "
 
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
 
 Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
 
 Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
 
 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
 Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
 The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
 
 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
 The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
 
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 
 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
 
 Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
 
 The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
 entertainment, and gracious hostility.
 
 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
 
 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They  may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
 This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 
 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
 would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
 next Sunday morning.
 
 Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
 
 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 
 Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
 
 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Proverbs

  A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each  kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them  to come up with the rest.  Here is what the kids came up with:

      Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.

      Strike while the.........................bug is close.

      It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.

      Never underestimate the power of............termites.

      You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?

      Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.

      No news is.........................impossible.

      A miss is as good as a........................Mr.

      You can't teach an old dog.....................math.

      If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.

      Love all, trust........................me.

      The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.

      An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

      Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.

      Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.

      A penny saved is.........................not much.

      Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.

      None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.

      Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.

      If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.

      You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.

      When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

      There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.

      Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you  have to blow your nose.



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" - Anon


"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

KIDS WISDOM

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food
will get cold...Other people care more about the food." -
Bart, 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." - Sandra, 7

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
fire. They like to order those because it's just like how
their hearts are - on fire." - Christine, 9


REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball
is pretty good too." - Greg, 8


CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because
they paid good money for them." - Gavin, 8


THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even
if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot
of bills." - Ava, 8


THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just
a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." - Will, 7

Bride On The Run

Heard today on the news that a woman
ran out of the church in the of middle
her own wedding.  No one heard her say
anything.  She just threw off her
headdress and ran out the side door
with a very determined expression on
her face.

Members of the wedding party spent the
rest of the afternoon and much of the
evening searching for the woman, who
was still believed to be wearing her
bride's dress...  but without avail.

Trip to Mars

      NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
 
 "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to
 donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
 
 The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked
 him the same question.
 
 "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a
 million to my family and leave the other million for the
 advancement of medical research."
 
 The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much
 money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,
 "Three million dollars."
 
 "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
 
 The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you
 one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."