APRIL

THE BEST BANK IN TOWN

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Velma should get
something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open
a savings account for you?" Velma was delighted.

"It's your account," Velma's mother said as they entered
at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Velma was doing fine until she came to the space for
"Name of your former bank". With just a slight
hesitation, she put down "Piggy."

WHY AGING ISN'T SO BAD:

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.




Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

 

WISH WISELY

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!  Me first!" says the secretary.  "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!  She's gone.

"Me next!  Me next!" says the paralegal.  "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, a really good book and the love of my life." Poof!  He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch." 

Parrot and the Magician

 A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
 The audience would be different each week, so the
 magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and
 over again.
 
 There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
 the shows every week and began to understand what the
 magician did in every trick. Once he understood that,
 he started shouting in the middle of the show:
 
 "Look, it's not the same hat!"
 "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
 "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
 
 The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it
 was the captain's parrot after all.

 One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
 found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
 ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They
 stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
 
 This went on for several days. After a week the parrot
 finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
 
 

Kids' Test Papers
 
 These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:
 
 * "When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe,
 you expire."
 
 * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
 caterpillars."
 
 * "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
 
 * "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
 even deader."
 
 * "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
 instead of the bull."
 
 * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and  makes them perspire."
 
 * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
 
 * "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
 
 * "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
 
 * "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
 out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the
 skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
 
 * "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
 
 * "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
 
 * "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
 
 * "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
 
 * "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
 
 * "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
 
 * "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
 
 * "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead, or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

 * "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
 
 * "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

SYRUP

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole
outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa
mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm,
I smell sausage!"

The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and
said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but
couldn't get past the two bigger moles.

Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is
molasses."
 

YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY, BUT...
 ----------------------------
 The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
 
 They say the house didn't float very far at all.
 
 We're all amazed that you go on living each day.
 
 Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
 
 The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you.
 
 The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
 
 The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.
 
 At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
 
 Jerry Springer wants you for this "secret admirer show."
 
 The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
 
 At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.
 
 The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T-Bird.
 
 The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
 
 Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
 
 The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work peronally.
 
 Just imagine if you're ex-wife had had a good lawyer.
 
 Look on the bright side, those fertility drugs worked 6 times
 better than expected!
 

Truths?

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
 
 I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
 therefore I am perfect.
 
 I married my wife for her looks...
 but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
 
  "No one ever says "It's only a game,"
 when their team is winning."
 
  "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
  I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
 
 "How come we choose from just two people
 for president and 50 for Miss America?"
 
 Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
 cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
 about being broke and not feeling well?

 On my first day of school my parents dropped
 me off at the wrong nursery.
 There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
 
 Marriage changes passion...
 suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
 I earn a seven-figure salary. 
 Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
 
 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 
 My wife and I were happy for twenty years
 ...then we met.
 
 Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
 Mom's wise words:
 "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
 
 Home is where you can say anything you
 like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
 
 I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
 me here.
 
 Dyslexia means never having
 to say that you're yrros.
 
 If flying is so safe, why do they
 call the airport the 'terminal'?
 
 I see your IQ test results were negative.
 
 Regular naps prevent old age.....
 especially if you take them while driving.
 
 Sex is hereditary. If your parents never
 had it, chances are you won't either.
 
 I don't approve of political jokes...
 I've seen too many of them get elected.
 
 I think your problem is low self-esteem.
 It is very common among losers."
 
 The most precious thing we have is life. 
 Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
 
 I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
 you might as well keep the first.
 
 If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
 if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

92 Year old

 A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A  few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

 The man replied,  "Just doing what you said Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

 There was a moment of stunned silence and the Dr. said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

The Wish

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
And he turns into a woman.

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building
you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak
with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the
television on.




QUICK WIT:

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of
Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
 
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

CONGRATULATIONS

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival.
The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

The Lean

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."

Puns of the Weak

"My doctor told me to get a hearing aid." "That's sound advice."

I stayed in a foreign hotel that had no bathroom. It was uncanny.

Why do chess champions usually court Bohemian girls? They always want a Czech mate.

Pharmacy: Cultivating the ocean floor

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Pacifist: What one cannibal said to the other at lunch.

A plastic surgeon's office is the only place in the world where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

Drive-in movie: Wall-to-wall car petting.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend.

A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said thirty-five children is enough for any woman!

What might break out if a bunch of prowlers stumbled into poison ivy? A rash of burglaries.

The electrician's favorite subject in night school was "current" events.

The convicted architect discovered that prison walls were not made to scale.

A friend of mine told a religious joke and got put on the Sects Offender's List.

The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going down the drain.

What do you call a dog that throws up in the house? Homesick!

Part of a certain church's simplicity theme during Lent was not to play the church organ during the season. One Sunday a visitor asked a regular why the massive pipe organ wasn't played during the service that morning The regular replied, "It's Lent." The visitor exclaimed, "Who did you lend it to?"

Why did the minister get arrested for holding spring break services by the ocean? He was charged with having sects on the beach.

Those who choose not to eat, slowly get hungry, and fast.

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Should I deliver mail for a living? No. It's very difficult to be given the sack every day.

I know the difference between sadist and masochist, but you're going to have to beat it out of me.

Being Baroque is when you're out of Monet.

"Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're two tents."

If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame.

He was a Hindu
Not because of mystic faith but just by sheer chants

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,"I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Doing sit-ups is just waisting time.

The dry cleaner wanted to go an a date, but found he was too pressed for time.

Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Bhuddist Monk to hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."

Laws of Teaching

* Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.

* A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.

* The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.

* A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.

* The problem child will be a school board member's son.

* When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.

* If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.

* New students come from schools that do not teach anything.

* Good students move away.

* Murphy's Law will go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.

College Humor

A college is truly a fountain of knowledge, and a great many go there to drink.

College never hurts a young man -- unless, of course, he meets his future wife there.

One thing that keeps a lot of people from going to college is high school.

What this country needs are colleges that teach everything the students think they already know.

Going to college won't guarantee you a job, but it'll give you four years to worry about getting one.

A father is often a man who is working his son's way through college.

Nothing irks the college student more than shaking out the envelope from home and finding nothing but news and love.

Education is what folks have left after they've forgotten most of what they learned in school.

It's what we learn after we know it all that really counts.

HONEST ANSWERS

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he
came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he
wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered
in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

FARMER BROWN GETS A LEG UP

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg.

"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five years ago ..."

"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"

"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was hired for doin' chores at Ol' Man Hanley's place. I finished my work, and as I'm gettin' into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."

"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"

"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin' about and fell off the roof."

Cure Me

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

I can't do that

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

K-9

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a tight leash.

The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned.........

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

TOOTING MY OWN HORN

A man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants
in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly,
"Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout 'til
midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied,
"Not really, because I usually stay up and practice my
trumpet 'til about that time most every night anyway."

Mower

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, Jane kept hinting to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed, but somehow the message wasn't sinking in.

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention. Well, he was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks.

Welcome To Flight Number 293

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it
isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

PICTURE PERFECT

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our
local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line
inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead
of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented
to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up
looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then
reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look
when the cops pull you over anyway."

Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like know that your horse is about dead outside"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims. I do, what's wrong with him this time? The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...


"Nothin', but you left your Injun running!"

Duct Tape

Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together. The
only difference is that "May The Force be with you"
sounds a lot nicer than
"May you be covered in duct tape."




Ski weekend

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!