DECEMBER

One-liners.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls up her best friend (a brunette) one day because she is very upset.

"I can't get this jigsaw puzzle put together, and I've been trying for weeks," she cries.

"Could you please come over and help me before I go crazy?"

"What kind of puzzle is it?" asks the brunette.

The blonde says, "Well, there is a rooster on the box, but there are so many pieces, and it's so confusing. I just don't know where to start!"

Her friend is the compassionate sort and says, "I'll be right over."

So off to the blonde's house she goes.

When she gets there, she takes one look at the table and turns to her friend and says: "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Bungee-jumping

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee
jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No,
the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?"

WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT

Two elderly women were sitting together in the front row of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "Amen, Brother!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again, "Preach It, Reverend!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed, "Right On, Brother... Tell It Like It Is... Amen!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

The Interview

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a
position in his company. He wanted to find out something
about her personality so he asked, "If you could have
a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would
it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

What did the cucumber say to the jam jar?
"If you'd kept your mouth shut, I wouldn't be in this pickle."





ARMY VS. NAVY

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty."

New Exercise Program

I've started a new exercise program. Immediately after waking in the morning, I always say sternly to myself, "Ready? Now. Up. Down. Up. Down!" And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, "Okay, now try the other eyelid!"

Mercedes

A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds.
It read: Brand new 2000 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for £150.00.

She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition.

She asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?"

"Well," she said, "it's my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read:
'In Miami. Need money. Sell car'."

ACCIDENTALLY

The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired.

"Nope," was the answer.

"Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously.

"Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though."

"And you don't call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent.

"Nope; the danged varmint done it on purpose."

Volunteer Fire Truck

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

One Liners that are Even Better the Second Time!

*Did you hear about the clumsy lens grinder? He fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

*There was of course the butcher that backed into the meat slicer ....
and got a little behind in his work.

*The monkey at the zoo accidently backed up into a fan ....
details to follow.

*The dry cleaner wanted to go an a date, but found he was too pressed for time.

*The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going down the drain.

*When asked how he was doing, the elevator operator said, "life has its ups and downs."

*The glazier told his girlfriend, "I am putty in your hands..." And then she framed him. It was such a pane.

*It was shocking... the old electrician seemed to get such a charge out of his job.

*The cabinet makers wanted to form a union, but that action was always countered.

*The cement finishers union was going to go on strike, but all the workers threw in the trowel.

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.

Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.

Q: What do you call a football player with no legs?
A: Place kicker.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of
directions?
A: Lost.

Q: What do you call a group of girls with no singing ability?
A: N'Sync.

Q: What do you call a mad vicious killer with an ax and no regard for human life?
A: Long distance, if possible.

TALKING UP A STORM

Eight-year-old Debbie brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom,
"Debbie is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which may break her of the habit."

Debbie's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back, "Please let me know if your idea works on Debbie because I would like to try it out on her mother."

UNCLE BOB

Uncle Bob went to her doctor to see what could be done about his constipation. "It's terrible," he said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," he replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doc said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Yup," he answered, "I take a book."

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
deserve that either."
--Jack Benny




Q: What's the difference between a newspaper and a TV?
A: Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Gorilla

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....

...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

We're all out

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos?
Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

MAKING THE GRADE

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say aboutyour son.

Father: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

Hawaii

This intelligence-disadvantaged male person goes into the travel agency and proclaims, "I've seen your ad about a $99.00 trip to Hawaii, and I'd like to go." The travel agent says, "Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DON'T want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00."

"Oh, no you don't," says the Idiot(showing some signs of intelligence), "you're not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says `$99.00 to Hawaii,' and THAT's what I want."

"Okay," says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Idiot in the head. The Idiot wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean!

He looks around, and there's NOTHING, only he and another Idiot on the raft. "What are we going to do?" cries our hero, "surely they'll send a ship for us." --"I don't think so," responds his new-found travelling companion, "they didn't LAST YEAR."

THE PLANE TRUTH

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that"

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."

Baby

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a macarel."

FOUND AND LOST

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."

HOW FORGETFUL WE ARE...

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

Definitions

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J.Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

STAGES OF GROWTH

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.
Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the
other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

No matter what

Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief -- that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club.

As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered with a wry smile, "Your 7-iron!"

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go."
--Oscar Wilde

What do you name a dog with no legs?
Nothing, he won't come when you call him anyway!!

Prescription

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

SUNDAY STROLL

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend,"
an embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, Sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."