FEBRUARY

Too Many

Four guys are driving cross country together-- one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Afraid of the Dark

A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.

"You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called

"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

MORE OF THE FACTS OF LIFE

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Time

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

Getting Married

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, "Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila.

"Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son. "She's Catholic."

"Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son.

"Ok, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I too will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises, "What is her name?" implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"Ok, then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, "Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"

Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says Moisha. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah.

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?

"Whoopi," says Chutzpah.

THE FACTS OF LIFE

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The Spy

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code.
"The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."

Family Tree

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.

The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death came as a real shock."

The Moles

Papa Mole, Mama Mole,
and Baby Mole
are in their nest.

Papa Mole runs up the tunnel
and sticks his nose out
the entrance and says
"I smell pancakes".

Mama mole runs up the tunnel,
sticks her nose out of
the entrance and says
"I smell pancakes".

Baby mole runs up the tunnel
and says...

"All I smell is Molasses".

Artificial Insemination

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

She replies, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."

BETTER THAN SHERLOCK HOLMES

The stockbroker received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career..."

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.

* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

MORE SAYINGS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

OLDIES

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Accident

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Puns

Why do you call winter "Musical Weather?"
Because if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat!

Undertakers are nice. They're the last to let people down.

It may be garbage to you, but it is bread and butter to the garbage collector.

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it!
Have you heard about the secretary who was making it with her boss when his wife walked in?
She had to change her position.


Walking her to the door, Keith said to his date, "Will I see you pretty soon? "What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering

What award winning book and movie is the story of a songbird who weighed almost four and a half pounds?
Two Kilo Mockingbird

Arctic sailors often go with the floe.

The Hara Krishna couple fell in love after a chants meeting.

Does the plaster of paris manufacturer treat his clients fairly?
No, he gypsum.

Commenting on some delicate trade negotiations involving bananas, the BBC commentator said that the decision would be allowed to stand for fear it would fall on appeal.

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

Real Names: The "Lear" family, who named their daughter "Chrystal Shanda"

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

Have you heard about the two nudists who split up?
They were seeing too much of each other

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

One very popular flower is violets, but I don't know why--I'm opposed to violets! There is too much violets in the world already...we have violets in the schools, violets in the workplace!

The glazier told his girlfriend, "I am putty in your hands..." And then she framed him. It was such a pane.

These days, even a cat with kittens is considered litterate.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

The janitor's union called for sweeping reforms.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

"I just got a sex change," said Tom, feeling rather disorganized.

Test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers,but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Things you wish you could say at work

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

SAYINGS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

25th Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

WORLD ACCORDING TO FRANK & ERNEST

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV,
Why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence,
but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child but
he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank.
it's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely.
I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by,
I just keep to the posted speed limit.

"You should communicate with your muscles."
"I don't talk to strangers."

Scripture

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!"
(..turn from your sin...).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

At The Bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

Dinner

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

The Service

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

FUNNY DEFINITIONS

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.