MAY

THE CIGAR LAWSUIT

A Charlotte, N.C., man, having purchased a box of very rare,
very expensive cigars insured them against fire, among other
things. Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile
of cigars and without having made even his first premium
payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the
insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars
were "lost in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion. The man sued ... and won! In delivering the ruling,
the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated,
nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without
defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and
was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted
the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he
had lost in the "fires."

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had
him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his insurance claim
and testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00
fine.

(From the 1999 Criminal Darwin Awards)

Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew  were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became  frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red  shirt!' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,  which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate  boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the  pirates were repelled.

  Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate  vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the  captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!' And once  again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled  both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

  Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
  recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain  and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the  battle?' The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain  can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does  not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight  unafraid.'

  The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As  dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were  pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The  men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his  usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my  brown pants!!!'

Big Trouble
 
 Submitted by Raven, Piscadera Bay, Curaçao
 
 A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any  mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
 
 The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
 
 The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
 
 They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
 Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

 So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
 
 The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
 
 The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

DEEP INSIGHTS INTO LIFE

 Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too
 much fraternizing with the enemy.
 
 There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
 shore like an idiot.
 
 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
 I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
 
 Don't worry about the world ending today...
 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
 (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
 
 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a
 dog, it's too dark to read.
 
 Character is what you are.
 Reputation is what people think you are.
 
 Drive carefully
 It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
 
 A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back
 to admire his work..
 
 A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if
 she winks back.
 
 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
 
 The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
 
 There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
 
 If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
 
 A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
 understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions

The whole truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth"
even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted
by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole
truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just
don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your
FATHER a big hug."

STILL LOVE ME?

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON COMPANY MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS...

 If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
 
  It's only unethical if you get caught.
 
  The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
 budget cuts.
 
  Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
  Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
 
  Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
 
    Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it  by killing all those who opposed them.
 
  We put the "k" in "kwality"
 
  If something doesn't feel right.  you're not feeling the right  thing.
 
  Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
 
  A person who smiles in the face of adversity...
  probably has a scapegoat.
 
  If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...
 then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
 
  ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE...
 
    2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
 
    If at first you don't succeed - try management.
 
  Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
 
  This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12
 years.
 
  Never quit until you have another job.
 
  TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

DINOSAUR HUNT

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.

After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can't believe his eyes.  "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.

"But it's so big and you're so small!  How did you kill it?"

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.

"How big is your club?" asked the professor.

"Well, there are about 100 of us..."

DETECTIVE TRAINING

Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special
attention, because they were not very bright. The police
chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart
enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue
with the training. Things had not gone well so far.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides
it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The
first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this
ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds
at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?"

The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because
it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you
can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he
show the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid
answer."

The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few
minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on
that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks
the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face.

"Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in
fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make
such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

MISCOMMUNICATION

Velma asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged
will you give me a ring?"

"Sure," replied Jim "What's your phone number?"

Imaginary Golf

A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied, "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."
 
 The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
 
 The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working.
 Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first golfer said, "Sure!"
 
 They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!" The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said, "No, I won. That was my ball."

HEADLINE NEWS

Little Velma was standing on the corner with a stack of
newspapers, yelling, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it.
Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper and
checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being
swindled."

Velma just ignored him and went on, calling out,
"EXTRA..Read all about it....EXTRA...Fifty-one people
swindled!"

FARMER BROWN GETS A LEG UP

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg.

"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five years ago ..."

"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"

"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was hired for doin' chores at Ol' Man Hanley's place. I finished my work, and as I'm gettin' into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."

"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"

"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin' about
and fell off the roof."

What A Deal

  A Catholic priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The Rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The Rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together.

  In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

  The priest asks, "What did you do?"

  The woman says, "I committed adultery."

  Priest: "How many times?"

  Woman: "Three times."

  Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

  A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

  Priest: "What did you do?"

  Man: "I committed adultery."

  Priest: "How many times?"

  Man: "Three times."

  Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin
  no more."

  The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest
  leaves.

  A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

  Rabbi: "What did you do?"

  Woman: "I committed adultery."

  Rabbi: "How many times?"

  Woman: "Once."

  Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." 

A Bad Day In Vegas

  A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas.
  She's down to her last $50.  Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten  luck!  What in the world should I do now?"

  A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I  don't know...  Why don't you play your age?"

  He walks away.  Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great  commotion at the roulette table.  Maybe, she won!  He rushes back to  the table and pushes his way through the crowd.  The lady is lying  limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

  The man is stunned.  He asks, "What happened?  Is she all right?"

  The operator replies, "I don't know.  She put all her money on 29.
  When 36 came up, she just fainted!"
 

Blind Dogs

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher
 and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the
 Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over
 to that restaurant and get something to eat."
 
 The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
 We've got dogs with us."
 
 The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow
 my lead."
 
 They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the
 Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and
 he starts to walk in.
 
 The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets
 allowed."
 
 The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't
 understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
 
 The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
 
 He says, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good
 and he protects me from robbers, too."
 
 The man at the door says, "Come on in."
 
 The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck,"
 so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk
 in.
 
 Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets
 allowed."
 
 The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.
 This is my seeing-eye dog."

 The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
 
 The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua???
 Those jerks gave me a Chihuahua?!?!"

SAVING THE EASTER BUNNY

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

To Home With Love
 
 Dear Dad,
 
 $chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$
 and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply
 can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like,
 you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ Iwould love to hear
 from you.
 
 Love,
 Your $on.
 
 
 Dear Son,

 I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are  eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget  that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you  can never study eNOugh.
 
 Love,
 Dad

Jelly Bean & Smartie

A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.  After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?"

and the Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at JellyBean and start kicking him,
punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Bean pulls his battered jellybean body over to the
table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie,
"But those Lockets are fecking menthol!"
 
Submitted by John McConnell

Actual Signs From Around the World

 In a Tokyo Hotel:
         Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. 
  If you are not a person to do such thing,
  please not to read notice.
 
 
 
 In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
        The lift is being fixed for the next day. 
        During that time we regret that you will
        be unbearable.
 
 
 
 In a Leipzig elevator:
        Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
        when lit up.
 
 
 
 In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
        To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
        If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
        should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving
        is then going alphabetically by national order.
 
 
 
 In a Paris hotel elevator:
        Please leave your values at the front desk.
 
 
 
 In a hotel in Athens:
        Visitors are expected to complain at the office
        between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
 
 
 
 In a Yugoslavian hotel:
        The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
        job of the chambermaid.
 
 
 
 In a Japanese hotel:
         You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
 
 
 
 In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
 monastery:
         You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
  Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
  buried daily except Thursday.
 
 And...
 
 In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
        Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of
                repose in the boots of ascension.
 
 
 
 On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
         Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
 
 
 
 On the menu of a Polish hotel:
         Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
        dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let
                loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's
                fashion.
 
 
 
 Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
         Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
 
 
 
 In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
         Drop your trousers here for best results.
 
 
 Outside a Paris dress shop:
         Dresses for street walking.
 
 
 
 In a Rhodes tailor shop:
         Order your summer's suit.  Because of big rush we will
         execute customers in strict rotation.
 
 
 
 From the Soviet Weekly:
         There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
         Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were
         executed over the past two years.
 
 A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
        It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping
  site that people of different sex, for instance, men
  and women, live together in one tent unless they are
  married with each other for that purpose.
 
 

Phone Call

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the
heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the
coast was clear."

 

SCHOOL TEST ANSWERS

These are reported to be actual test answers from various
schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well
endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains
the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

The Feminist
  
 A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her,
 a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
 
 A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

 

The Blind Date
 
 Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you
 like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
 
 "I want to get weighed," said Sandra.
 
 They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.  She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
 
 Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,  Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get  weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
 
 The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured  she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
 
 Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
 

What to Name a Baby

A chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. the nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and said  ...."Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong
 

Modern Interpretations

 A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their
 teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
 
 First she asked, "Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
 
 He responded, "It goes moo."
 
 The she asked, "Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
 
 Alice replied, "It goes meow."
 
 Next she asked, "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
 
 Her response was, "It goes baa."
 
 Finally she questioned one last child, "Jennifer, what sound does
 a mouse make?"
 
  She replied, "Er, it goes ... click!"
 

IS IT REALLY THIS BAD?

An American man, a Russian man and an African man were
all up in a hot air balloon together.  After a few minutes,
the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said.  "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through
the clouds.  "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand
through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed.  "How do you
know all of that?!" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up.  "My watch is missing."
 

SOFA KING

Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an
   upholstery machine?

A: He's fully recovered.