NOVEMBER

Sayings

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

KIDS JOKES

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
A: Winnie the Phew!

Q: What did the Arithmetic textbook say to the Reading textbook?
A: "Don't tell me your sad stories, I'm the one with the problems!"

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!

Q: What did the picture say to the wall?
A: I've been framed!

Q: What did the wall say to the picture?
A: Hi Art!

Contribution

A mother gave a little boy a dollar to put in the contribution. When the plate came around the little boy slowly put the dollar into the plate and then quickly retrieved it. He put it in his pocket until the close of the service. As he was leaving, he took the dollar out of his pocket and handed it to the preacher.
The preacher asked him, "Why didn't you put your dollar in the collection plate when it came around?"
The little boy answered, "My momma told me you were the poorest preacher we have ever had."

MAKING IT NEW

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. "Oops."

2. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."

3. "Dang it, not again."

4. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for a dog!"

5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."

6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. Were going to have to cut it off."

7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."

8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?

9. "What? They're missing that too? Oh well, I guess we'll have to try how to remember how to do surgery."

10. "What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"

11. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

12. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot- the guy's got two of 'em."

13. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my
concentration off."

14. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."

15. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

16. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"

17. "Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."

18. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think it's about to choke the patient."

HOW A BLONDE TRIED TO FIX THE CAR

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.

The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out" She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

Unwanted

"I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath toys were a radio and a toaster."
--Joan Rivers

Advertising Blunders

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you''ll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit one.

7. Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale!

8. 8 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

11. Dinner special - Turkey $2.36; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

12. For Sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

15. For Sale: Three canaries of undetermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

16. Have several old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

18. Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts, ZAP does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of your family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

23. Wanted: Hair Cutter: Excellent growth potential.

24. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

25. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

26. And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Off-the-church-walls

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

"Anywhere is walking distance if you've got the time."
--Steven Wright

"I got an "A" in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist."
--Judy Tenuta

Drunk!

A Garda waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The garda, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The garda was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

SCIENCE STUFF FROM KIDS

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."


"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."


"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US

The maid picked up the phone, mumbled something and slammed it down. The lady of the house, who was expecting a call from a far off relative, asked, "Who was it, Mary?"

The maid replied, "Some man, Mr. Wilson, saying, 'It's a long distance from California.' I told him I knew that!"

More One Liners

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

Great One Liners

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Whale Talk

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.

"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!

"As a child I was very young."
-- Pro Dege




CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions.

"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"

"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.

"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.

"Certainly not in this case."

Why do they bury Attorney's 10 feet under.
Because deep down they're really good people.



Two Man Bicycle
Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.

"That was a stiff climb," said the first man.

"It certainly was," replied the second man. "And if I hadn't kept the brake on, we would have slid backward."

Employee Evaluation

Be sure to read through to the bottom...

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read
only the odd numbered lines.

Pirates

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Control Your Child

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."




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Milk Bath

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."

The Cowboy and the Little Kid

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"

"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"

"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

"That's so somebody won't think I'm a dang truck driver."

GOOD AS NEW
"You seem to be recovering," the doctor said. "These x-rays show some damage to the bone, but I wouldn't worry about it."

"Believe me," the patient said, "if your bone were damaged, I wouldn't worry about it either."



OVERRULED
One lawyer said to another, "Boy, that judge makes me so mad!
I really felt like telling her off again."

"What do you mean again?" his friend asked.

"I felt like it yesterday, too."

Depressed Woman

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."

And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...

Quick Wit:

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
-- Jonathan Winters

The Collar

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the
manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

New Alcohol Warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

KIDS ON LOVE
Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
-Del, age 6

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
-Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...
and don't worry if their parents are right there."
-Manuel, age 8

MORE OF HEY, WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF....

Insomnia:
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Narcissism:
Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Over-Protective:
I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Over-Sensitive:
How could you ask me a question like that?

Paranoid:
You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Pessimistic:
I'm sure I won't give the right answer.

Procrastination:
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Self-Centered:
Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Suspicious:
Why are you asking me all these questions?

Withdrawn:
""