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Men and Women showering..
How to shower like a woman!
Take off clothing and place in a sectioned laundry basket, according to
lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown.
If partner is seen, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, loincloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with
83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamprey conditioner
with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 mins.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 mins until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa-cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 mins to make sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area or decide to get it waxed.
Scream loudly when partner flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots - attack with nails/tweezers.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If partner seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom.
Spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to shower like a man!

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk b*****k naked to bathroom. If partner seen,
shake k**b at her while shouting Wahey!
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of k**b in mirror, scratch b*****ks and
smell fingers for one last sniff, get in shower.
Don't bother to look for washcloth-don't need one.
Wash b*****ks and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on the soap.
Wash armpits.
Wash face.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Rinse off.
Get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor caused by shower curtain
being outside bath for whole of showering time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of k**b again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist, leaving wet footprints on carpet.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, grab k**b, go "yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.

  1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. EVER! Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
  1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your own oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first four months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

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