Lawyer

 
 
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into he lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his silk suit jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Train

   A young boy was playing with his toy train in the living room. After a few
minutes his mother who was in the kitchen heard the train stop. The boy said
"O.K. all you bas***ds who want off, get your ass off the train now this is the last
stop and all you bas***ds who want to get on get your asses on seats as the
train is pulling out now".

His mother came in and said you mustn't use that type of language in
this house. "Go to your room immediately and stay there for two hours. When
you come out you may play with your train again but you must use nice
language".

He went to his room and emerged after two hours and immediately began
playing with his train again. After a few minutes his mother heard the train
stop.
The boy said
"If you are disembarking we thank you for travelling with
us and hope you enjoyed your trip. Please remember to take your personal
possessions with you and we look forward to your company on future trips.
If you are boarding please stow your hand baggage under the seat, sit back
and have a pleasant and relaxing trip.

If anybody has any problems with the

TWO HOUR DELAY

see the fat bitch in the kitchen.
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Mouse
This is where we become very cultured and lapse into poetry.
Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
"Bring on the goddamn cat!"
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Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to
test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made.
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked
as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed
through the control console, snapped the engineer's
backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of
the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield,
and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence,

"Thaw the chickens."