Lotto

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway,
runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her
lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says.
"Just get the hell out."
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History of the bagpipes.
Concerning bagpipes:
The Irish invented them
and gave them to the Scots as a joke,
but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

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Trapped
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when
Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "I'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick.
"Next to the Strong Muldoon, I'm the strongest man in Erin,
and I'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled
to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to
Paddy, "Shure, an' I can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do
it alone, mebbe, but I'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
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Dumb blonde
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said "concentrate".
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make
up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DONT WALK".
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"..
she put "Sagittarius".
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test ...and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare centre.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted),
she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
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